Warnings: suicide, mutilation and other stuff
clarification: Talking about it and thinking about it not doing it.

Don't worry I'm not going to cut myself or kill myself just yet. Been seriously considering checking myself into the hospital because of my depression though.

Well these are my raw thoughts. I'm not going to bother filtering through them or checking them because odds are I'd delete them and not post this. I needed to vent a bit and have no one I can talk to so I came here. I'm sorry if this bothers anyone I know this isn't the type of thing you should share but maybe someone can offer me some advise or something. Sorry if I shouldn't of posted this.


Well I'm almost 8 months on hormones now and they honestly haven't done much of anything for me. I have no growth at all... My band measurement is 32 while bust is 33. I dress full time which is a pain because I don't look very female. Most people seem to try and avoid gendering me at all but as soon as they see anything that hints male they seem to feel they have to let everyone know. I find it hard most days to resist cutting off my own damn genital and already destroyed my male form of ID so I'm without any ID right now. I just want to destroy who people thought I was so people will finally see me but I can't seem to do it. I can't be seen. I'm forever hidden and invisible behind HIM. I've been wanting FFS so people would stop seeing him when they look at me but I'd never be able to afford it. I've thought of cutting my face so instead of seeing him they'd only see the scarred remains but resisted so far. I'm alone and lonely with no one to talk to. Only one person seems to care about me and I feel like they're using me as some form of redemption for them not saving me from my moms abuse. I know they care about me and that's the only reason I haven't decided to kill myself but I can't help but wonder why I'm bothering to go through this pain? I'm useless and crippled socially. I live off SSI and even if I could save money for surgery they stop paying me anything after I save 2000 dollars. Either I have to commit fraud or get insurance to pay for it. Everyone tells me it's impossible that my insurance would pay for it and that I'm lucky they pay for my hormones. I need something to take my mind off these things or find answers to my problems. I've been really good about avoiding drug use but I feel like if I don't do something I'll be dead either way. Does it even matter if I die? Barely anyone knows I even exist and those that do would be much happier with him instead of me. I know I need help but I don't know where to get it. I've thought of checking myself into the hospital but I'm afraid they'd stop giving me my hormones or start forcing some other drug on me. My mom forced me to take drugs and I can't do that again.

Hey there!
Firstly... Hugs! I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so wretched and unhappy about everything.
Secondly, I'm glad you are thinking about getting some professional help for your depression you sound very unhappy with your lot in life at the moment and maybe need a circuit breaker to jolt you out of it.
Suicide and self mutilation are not a solution to anything. If you believe you have nothing to live for or that nobody (now or in the future) would miss you then you are very very wrong. You have plenty to live for and plenty to give, just because you don't feel that now doesn't mean it isn't true. Please someone about your feelings and depression as soon as possible, be safe and be well.
Love
Grace

Quote from: ToxicFox on August 08, 2014, 11:34:30 PM
Does it even matter if I die?

Oh sweetie, yes it matters!!  If you were hospitalized they would still have to give you your HRT meds because a doctor has ordered it. So please don't worry about that. Have you addressed any of these concerns with your Therapist?

My career showed me that all life is valuable and should be protected. The biggest regret people had before they died was remorse in not living how they wanted or had not done what they dreamed about. Unfortunately they only realized how valuable life was when it was about to be taken from them. Please do not find out I speak the truth on this. Please go to the hospital or whatever you have to do to be treated. Being trans is very hard I give you, but finally freeing your mind and living how you were meant to is the most wonderful thing in the world. We have all struggled in one way or another and that includes me. There were days I did not want to go on, but now that I am on the path my life should have taken all that is in the past and my new life, even with the problems, is so worth it. While I did not really know what was around each corner in my journey I have discovered the most honest and open people in this community of ours. Trans people I have learned are not fake at all because when you let others in your life on this deep a level there is nothing else in the world to discover because we have seen into each others hearts and minds. Most cis people I know are constantly making themselves seem so perfect and only strive to keep up with each other. They are not living, but competing on a daily basis. Most will never drop their protective shields and reveal themselves fully to others. In our community there is none of that, just the desire to help others overcome this issue with caring and compassion. The people in my real life support group have not only become friends, but true family members some of which I will keep close to me forever. If you have not please try to find a real life support group as it made all the difference to me. This forum is excellent and wonderful, but a real life support group allows you to blossom and develop fully. It is nice to get real hugs when you are down as well and going out with them builds a load of confidence. I would suggest getting your levels checked and make sure they are where they should be. That could be one of the reasons you have not had any effects yet. Please get help however you have to, please? I guess what I am trying to say is there is always hope. There are always things to try and experience. Take care sweetie! 

Thanks for the support. I'm not seeing any therapist and don't even think there is one that has experience with trans ppl here. I'm a bit of a rough case because my mom used the mental health community as a threat against me so I'm very reluctant to go ask them for help. I had to sit there and look at my old therapists number for over 3 months before I finally called and as far as a hospital goes I still can't think of going to one without thinking of my moms horror stories about them. I looked for support groups but couldn't find any here. That's a lot of the reason why I came on here to vent that and I'm more comfortable online. I rarely ever talk to people I don't know and it takes over a month seeing them on a regular basis for me to get comfortable talking around them. I honestly want to avoid going to the hospital but I don't see much of a way around it right now. I don't want to die and promised someone I cared for that I wouldn't make any more attempts but the pain gets to me and he doesn't talk to me anymore. I need to find someone I can be open with that won't freak out on me to be around or just something to distract me from everything. I don't own a car so I'm stuck home all the time and don't even have a drivers license yet. I'm left with nothing but time to dwell on all my flaws and abusive past.