I really am having a confusing life at the moment it seems, like last month I was almost certain that I wanted to start therapy and hopefully start HRT in the next few years, but I guess I have been trying to suppress my feelings about all of this. It did work for a bit, thought about living my life completely as a male, but the feelings just keep coming back, usually leading to me considering suicide.

What makes it worse, is reality just hit me, and I now remember that this really is the last year of high school for me, and I have no idea what I am going to do after it... Really am afraid of what comes after graduation for me. I also now realize that if I did come out, and my family doesn't accept me, they really can kick me out of the house.

Only reason I am posting here right now, is because I had a really weird dream last night... which now that I typed that, seems like a really weird reason...

But yeah, I have been kind of going back through my mind and reanalyzing certain moments in my life I guess, trying to figure out who I am... again. Anyways, I keep thinking that maybe my parents are just waiting for me to come out, since I do think that my mom knows.. she has caught me crossdressing a few years ago..

Honestly, I don't know if this makes sense to anyone reading, since it doesn't even make sense to me, my thoughts are literally everywhere right now...

I do think though, even with all of the negatives that may come with it, that just accepting myself as a MTF transgender(that is the correct term, right?), would be best in the end. It really feels like that if I do accept it, my social life would eventually be much better than the way it is now. Right now, I have no friends, and I have no idea how to act around people anymore, I feel like I am doing something wrong when I do act more female, but when I act like a male, I hate myself for weeks after.

Leaning more toward the accepting myself thingy, I have looked in the mirror a lot more recently, and think with HRT I really could pass as a female, or at least my face and hair could.....

I was going to post a bit more, but I kind of forgot what I was typing, got distracted. But, I am starting to really wonder if I will actually make it to the end of this year without doing something really stupid and dangerous..

Avinia,

Oh dear, you remind me of me, actually, when I wasn't in a very good place

As someone who also started transitioning as I was leaving high school, I can tell you that one of the most important things to have (and I know this is going to scare you) is to have a plan.  You need to be able to go somewhere where you can surround yourself with a community of like minded people, and more importantly, you can't have this be the only element in your life.  You are not just your gender.  In order to start your journey, it can really help to have a fixed destination, not just the right vehicle to travel in, if you get the metaphor.

Best wishes,
Sasha

Avinia

I hear you and I understand what you are going through. Its tough there's no doubt about that. I tried to go through transition when I was in high school (I'm 25 Now) and people found out. Well it was rough, I got bullied and hazed all the time. It made me hate myself. I was afraid to go to school to the point of dropping out.

Unfortunatly I don't have that good of advice for you. I waited 7 years to start transitioning again. That's 7 years I wont being getting back. 7 Years I've been unhappy. 7 Years I've hated myself. I wish I had had the courage to spend those 7 years transitioning and I would already be 7 years there you know?

The only really thing you can do is accept yourself. I wouldn't wait. Its wasted time. These feelings are REAL Avinia! There not going to go away if you ignore them, they're only going to get worse. They only way to address it is to go forward and become the person you need to become.

Its scary but don't you're parents love you? Would they really kick you out if they knew? Are you sure their reaction wouldn't be more positive than you could ever hoped?

It may seem hopeless and that you have nowhere to go but that is absolutely NOT true! The only person who gets to decide what to do with your life is YOU.

Don't give up. Good things are ahead. 

I don't think my parents would actually kick me out thinking about it, since they have kind of acted neutral with all of the LGBT stuff going on in the world right now(I guess it does kind of help that at least 2 of my cousins are gay)... Especially after today when my mom pretty much addressed part of my social issues, which is because my younger brother is constantly putting me down.. And my parents are pretty okay with my long hair already, since my mom just bought me a straightener for it.

Plus I guess on the bright side, my parents are almost always trying to get me to go to a local Catholic church because one of the people there is very supportive of the LGBT community... actually making me think more that my parents at least suspect something is up with my gender identity..

But yeah, spent most of last night just thinking like I usually do, and think that this is really what I was meant to be, I actually have thought that for the last year, but I also don't want to hurt my family by coming out and transitioning...

I am thinking a bit more about starting to transition without hormones.. at least just a little bit until I gain enough self confidence to talk to my parents.

Moving on, I remembered last night, an episode of Degrassi mentioned PFLAG, so I looked that up, and found a group that meets about an hour away from me... Not that it really helps me at the moment since I don't have a driver's license, and obviously no one to take me to one of those without a lot of explaining.

All I can think of at this moment..

I agree with what ->-bleeped-<-26 said about having a plan.  To that I would add being 100% honest with your mom.  My mother's acceptance and support saved my life.

Having a plan might entail transitioning in an orderly and coherent manner and might involve doing things in an orderly fashion.  One important issue which should be addressed is the cost.  How will you pay for what is manifestly an extremely expensive series of procedures?

I waited almost 4 years after high school while I completed college and accumulated the needed $$$$$.

Avinia

Your stress will likely increase until you take a step and start your journey.  You don't necessarily need to know where you will end up but you do need to feel empowered and able to choose the pace and direction of your travel.  A gender therapist would be great and a support group would be a real bonus.  Understanding, accepting and expressing yourself does not happen overnight.  Don't over think this.  A step at a time will do it.

Safe travels

Aisla

Just a perspective from someone in a similar boat but much older.  I truly don't regret the past its done and I cant changed that however in one way I wish I did not do one thing,  Which was realize that I was I will just say different for a broad term.  For most of my life starting more so when I was 16 or so till now that I am 42 I basically drove it down into myself and kept busy with work life etc.  The big but part is that now I am older smoke and fatter which does not help but that is me and a struggle I must overcome.  For you be thankful you realized this a lot younger then myself and yet I will also say do think things through and as said plan things through.  Really take it at a pace you want not what other want.  I also got caught by mom crossdressing which she seem to ignore and now I finally came out to her and her response was she already knew I was different perhaps you mom is similar.  Just tell her in your own way and be honest it will be nerve wracking but once it is done and you settle down you will be at least more at home with you and a mother will always be there in some way but be easy on her too:)
This is just really advice from someone who has not transitioned yet but just a little experience if you will everyone is different as are their significant others (parents/friends/etc)  You know these people treat them as yourself if in their shoes and most likely you have a good idea how they will react if not try something subtle first.

Sorry for the late response, have been a bit busy with school lately..

For coming out, just due to a lot of confusion on how my parents would react, I shall be do more subtle stuff to see how they would react I guess...

Kind of hoping that something will come up on the news or in a book that I could use to bring up transgender stuff to my mom(too afraid to mention stuff about it to my dad, since he seems to be a bit more close minded about this stuff).

This is just a suggestion but if you can recall something you did younger that didn't fit your birth gender like say something like hey mom did I play with dolls or something like that you would know better and perhaps maybe something not so obvious as well:)  I am sure we all have done something when really young that didn't fit what our birth gender is even cis peoples:)

Hey there Avinia,

the good thing about finishing high school is that you're kind of finishing one phase of life and entering another. I don't know where you will be after high school, but if you are on your own somewhere--at college, at a job away from home, etc.--you have a chance to meet new people who don't know the old you and to start with a clean slate. Even if you have to return home periodically, you may still have an opportunity to present as female wherever you may end up going and continue presenting as "male" at home, until you are able to come out to them. And you should be careful coming out to them; make sure you have some measure of security and/or a backup plan for the worst-case scenario if something bad happens.

But, of course, I don't know your parents. Sometimes, testing the waters can help, like the ways you mentioned in your last post. Do you think you could test things out with them by mentioning, say, a news story involving a transgender person, and see how they respond? Or pretend you have an assignment involving a transgender character/media figure and you're wondering how to do it?

You can also look into things like finding a counsellor or gender therapist who you can speak to; at my university, you're actually able to meet with counsellors for a certain number of free sessions each semester, and I went to see someone at the counselling centre when I was at my lowest point not too long ago. I was almost suicidal; I felt terrified of presenting as female, yet could no longer suppress who I was. But I found a lovely person there who I began to tell my story to, and she helped me see that I could embrace my trans* identity. Also, just having someone to talk to so freely around made such a difference to me. I don't know if there is something similar at your high school or wherever you are, but you can look into this, as long as you make sure this person does not need to contact your parents for their approval or anything first.

I hope something in here helps. Best of luck with everything. And embrace who you are! 

Gabby

Yeah... still kind of planning on only doing subtle things for now...

One issue I think that I forgot to mention, is that I am homeschooled... So kind of hoping that something will come on the news maybe, or that my parents will bring up LGBT for me like they have in the past(my mom is constantly telling me about how a girl at a nearby Catholic church has ideas about gay people and all of that).