I am 32 years old and I just came out to my dad and sister about my entire "trans" issue. They took it really well, my sister even said "now everything is clear." Like some others, I hid behind a veil of machoism, but my sis saw through most of it.

Anyway, I am tall 5'11" and I have big feet, size 11 in mens which is around 13 in ladies. I am worried I am gonna look like a circus freak. Ethnically, I am half black and half white (American) and I am fearful that I won't look as good as white/asian girls. I look like such a guy, Adams apple and all, plus at 32 I am OLD.

My voice is deep, this testerone has worked for over 30 years to ravage what should have been a feminine frame. I have always been told I am handsome, but I just wanna be pretty.

There is too much to learn but since I am 32 I feel like this is a race against the clock. I am worried hormones are gonna shorten my life.

Like many I read about, I have known I was like this since I was a very young child. I stole and wore my sister's panties before I even hit puberty, watched my sisters do their nails, tried making my own with scotch tape, I HATE having to use my penis when I am with women, I even hate looking at it to pee. But as it stands I am just some ugly man.

What a curse. I know I'll never be a GG, but I don't even think I can sound like one. I just wanna cry, seriously. I just wanna be a woman and go live my life without having to spill my medical history to everyone. Oh wait, I can't. See back in 2004 I got convicted of a FELONY (Theft) messing around with my girlfriend. Now I am in the system as a guy.

I am sad and angry writing this. I am so ugly, damn man tattoos, black, 5'11" size 13 shoe man. There is too much to learn.

If I go through with transition I fear that I will be stuck in some nether realm, not male not female - maybe I can take it because like I said I am half-Back and existing in some space between the so-called races may have prepared me some.

Help. I just wanna exist as a woman, which is in my heart, but I am so scared of being killed, looking like a quasi-woman, or just having to endure a life of being messed with. I worry, in short, if with transition I'll be jumping from the an into the fire.

Sorry for any typos or rambling, I just keyboard bombed that out and I am gonna submit it without proof-reading. So bad. <3

I never read much into trans issues, but I am learning transpeople are the most hated letter in LGBT. How do you girls endure that? Feminists hate us, homophobes hate us, straight men hate us - the majority will never view us as female, will they? Not in our lifetime, I bet. I am so very frustrated. Live in a body I hate, or endure tons of physical and emotional pain to be laughed at and hated by gays, straights, bi, men and women of all races.

At this stage how much could my body be corrected into that of a GG? I do wonder, years after my transition if I say, accidentally hit my thumb with a hammer, would I cry out in my man voice? 

How REAL is a vag after SRS? Does it smell like a GG vagina? Smell is EVERYTHING. I see work from some of these docs, even the world famous onces and getting a pretty looking flower seem like hit or miss! I saw one by that good doc outta Arizona (Meltzer?) and it just looked like a stab wound, and this was a fair time after her SRS. I would be devastated.

How good will I feel compared to a GG woman? I bet a man would be able tell the difference, ESPECIALLY if he went down on me and had a keen sense of smell.

Will I have to go around "hello, btw I am a transexual" for the rest of my life?

I know it seems like I may be trolling, but I swear to you my heart is pure. Please forgive any language that is insensitive. If I said any such thing please let me know and I will avoid it in the future.

It's odd that I have been like this my entire life, I always knew what a transexual was, but I had absolutely no contact with members of the TG community.  So forgive any ignorance

Transition is overwhelming.

Results vary widely and hormones/surgery are only part of it. It takes a LOT of work.

You seem very results oriented and that might lead to disappointment, especially early on since transition is a second puberty and there tends to be an awkward phase which can be lengthy.

The thing is hormones may change the opinions you currently have and your priorities may change, probably for the better.

Keep doing your research. It is not a decision to make lightly. I wish you all the luck in the world, and welcome to Susan's.

I am sure others will chime in to answer more of your questions. I don't know enough about surgical results to be of any help there.

Thank You, Tori.

Yes, I am very results oriented and that's not necessarily because I am shallow, but it has more to do with the fact that I don't want to be bothered or hurt. I am a very shy and quiet person, I am scared someone is gonna see me on the street, clock me and do god knows what to me.

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 02:56:55 AM
I never read much into trans issues, but I am learning transpeople are the most hated letter in LGBT. How do you girls endure that? Feminists hate us, homophobes hate us, straight men hate us - the majority will never view us as female, will they?

So what? I did not transition for them. I transitioned so I could stop hating myself.

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 02:56:55 AM
At this stage how much could my body be corrected into that of a GG? I do wonder, years after my transition if I say, accidentally hit my thumb with a hammer, would I cry out in my man voice? 

Maybe. It depends how much hard work YOU are prepared to put in to this. Transition is a number of things that have to come together but most of it is relearning how to move, how to think, how to speak, how to interact, how to dress, etc etc. Hormones sort out your skin, smell and boobs and stop the hammers of hatred banging in your head, but the rest is up to you and you alone.

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 02:56:55 AMHow REAL is a vag after SRS? Does it smell like a GG vagina? Smell is EVERYTHING. I see work from some of these docs, even the world famous onces and getting a pretty looking flower seem like hit or miss!

Do you remember at the start of puberty when you where taken to the secret Male Lodge and taken into the Inner Sanctum and shown the photos of The Perfect Penis? Without The Perfect Penis you would be less than a man, deformed, outcast, ridiculed. Do you remember that? No? Because it never happened did it? There is no "Perfect Penis" to measure yourself up to, is there? Well, here is the shocker - there is no Perfect Pussy either.

GG Pussies come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, "flapiness", smells and so forth. Anyway, who are you expecting to examine it and stamp "Pass" or "Fail" on it?

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 02:56:55 AMHow good will I feel compared to a GG woman? I bet a man would be able tell the difference, ESPECIALLY if he went down on me and had a keen sense of smell.

Wise up

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 02:56:55 AMWill I have to go around "hello, btw I am a transexual" for the rest of my life?

Only if you want to. I never do and I am a lot older than you.

Hi Petti 

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I won't lie, getting clocked is a real possibility, especially early on. Also, where you live could greatly impact your safety. Passing takes time and practice for most people, and mistakes will be made.

I have had some creepy encounters but that is also part of being a female, not just a trans thing. Most people can hide their transition for a good while by presenting as male, but I respect you if that is not your thing.

Clocking can happen from a distance, but depending on how you present, it tends to happen more often up close.

How you dress can draw unwanted attention. I enjoy dressing up but I blend in and get fewer looks when I dress casual. Finding a style that works for your body takes some trial and error, but when you find something that works, people's responses can improve remarkably.

Also, most people are really cool and supportive. Be prepared to make new friends. At times, I am fighting new friends off with a stick. People are attracted to happy people, even when they are trans.

Quote from: Tori on August 12, 2014, 03:54:55 AM
Also, most people are really cool and supportive. Be prepared to make new friends. At times, I am fighting new friends off with a stick. People are attracted to happy people, even when they are trans.

I agree 100%

I live in the Washington, DC area. It's pretty darn liberal around here. I've heard DC called the East Coast's San Francisco. That may be true to a degree.

Sorry about all this concern and just bombing you girl with questions in posts that seem more like rants. I feel like a basket case.

Is it unethical to not tell people I am transexual? Like what if a woman starts crying on my shoulder about sexual abuse, is it right for me to not tell her I was born in a man's body?

@ aagat "Wise up" is precisely what I am trying to do here. That's why I ask these things. I have not been able to find much on smell besides a bit here and there.

My main concern is that I'll be trading a host of problems for new ones. I know, I know - transitioning won't fix everything, but I am just afraid that I'll miscalculate. I have secretly wanted to transition into a woman my entire life, but now that I am reading up on this stuff it's like an information overload.

My sincere apologies. I humbly approach you all. I just seek help/support. As I said my sister and dad took to my coming out, but my dad is in denial. I asked him to come to grips with the fact that his son has always been his daughter, but I think that hurts him. He's old and conservative, and although he's very open-minded as in saying "I still love you" he's not one to talk to since he's not exactly the academic type who would learn all this stuff. My sis is in my corner 100% but she is so busy. Oh and I told a friend (who likes transexuals) but he pleaded with me to "not cut [my] dick off."

It's like strangers on the internet is all I have for these lonely times alone in my room at night.

I really hope you all understand. Forgive my intensity.

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 02:56:55 AM
I never read much into trans issues, but I am learning transpeople are the most hated letter in LGBT. How do you girls endure that? Feminists hate us, homophobes hate us, straight men hate us - the majority will never view us as female, will they? Not in our lifetime, I bet. I am so very frustrated. Live in a body I hate, or endure tons of physical and emotional pain to be laughed at and hated by gays, straights, bi, men and women of all races.

And that effects me how? Oh, that's right, it doesn't really.. And I have no issues with being seen as a woman, hell, I've had people refuse to believe I was trans when I mentioned it. I'm still waiting to actually find someone that hates me for being trans..

QuoteAt this stage how much could my body be corrected into that of a GG? I do wonder, years after my transition if I say, accidentally hit my thumb with a hammer, would I cry out in my man voice? 

Have a real good look around and you'll discover something astounding. Women come in all shapes and sizes, quite literally.

QuoteHow REAL is a vag after SRS? Does it smell like a GG vagina? Smell is EVERYTHING. I see work from some of these docs, even the world famous onces and getting a pretty looking flower seem like hit or miss! I saw one by that good doc outta Arizona (Meltzer?) and it just looked like a stab wound, and this was a fair time after her SRS. I would be devastated.

What does this magical perfect vag look like? Or smell like? Because I don't think I've ever come across 2 that looked or smelled the same. In fact, I've known the same vag to have many different smells. (and tastes.) Porn star vagina's are not a good thing to use as a standard.

QuoteHow good will I feel compared to a GG woman? I bet a man would be able tell the difference, ESPECIALLY if he went down on me and had a keen sense of smell.

I got $10 that says you are wrong..

QuoteWill I have to go around "hello, btw I am a transexual" for the rest of my life?

Only if you want to.. I don't mention it all that often and only to people who already know..

QuoteI know it seems like I may be trolling, but I swear to you my heart is pure. Please forgive any language that is insensitive. If I said any such thing please let me know and I will avoid it in the future.

It's odd that I have been like this my entire life, I always knew what a transexual was, but I had absolutely no contact with members of the TG community.  So forgive any ignorance

Trolling? No, just a lack of knowledge and experience..

Oh sweetie!! The first thing you need to do is take a deep breathe. Just calm down because you are putting way too much on your thought plate. The best advice I can give you is take transition in steps or it will suck the life and joy right out of you. You are over analyzing things to the extreme. First, A great Therapist is a must. They are the rock to start any transition on and can be an instrumental force for success. If you are diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and HRT is suggested then move up to that step. Until then there are so many things you can do to occupy your time and not get so overloaded with heavier issue's. Go to YouTube and see the real life experiences of people's transitions. See their before and after's which can be really astounding. Watch makeup videos and tutorials on movement, voice, etc. You will have plenty of time to learn the politics, terms and how to respond to different issue's. Right now just start on the basics and try to relax or you will self destruct big time. You have us in your corner now so don't be scared to use us or ask anything you want to know. You don't have to learn everything overnight as we will be here a while. Look at all the really heavy questions you posed and pick one at a time to ask and get opinions and advice here. We will get you there. 

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 04:33:45 AM
Is it unethical to not tell people I am transexual?

Unethical? To be yourself?

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 04:33:45 AMLike what if a woman starts crying on my shoulder about sexual abuse, is it right for me to not tell her I was born in a man's body?

What?

If she wants a shoulder to cry on then she wants a shoulder to cry on. If you (or she) are not comfortable with that then tell her to cry on someone else's shoulder.

You are under no obligation to be some sort of martyr. A transsexual is a person just like everybody else. You live, you breathe, you feel pain, you feel happiness just like anyone else. Shakespeare summed it up 400 years ago

"If you prick us, do we not bleed?
if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison
us, do we not die? ...."


If you decide to transition then you are still a person, a human being with the same right to privacy and life as any other person alive.

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 04:33:45 AM@ aagat "Wise up" is precisely what I am trying to do here. That's why I ask these things. I have not been able to find much on smell besides a bit here and there.

I'm sorry, but having people smell my genitals to detemines my physical sex has never been high on my agenda. Or anyone else's I would think..... 

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 04:33:45 AMMy main concern is that I'll be trading a host of problems for new ones. I know, I know - transitioning won't fix everything,

Transition will solve ONE problem - dysphoria. You will still have all your other ones to deal with

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 04:33:45 AM...but my dad is in denial.

You have had years to think about this, to come to terms with it. He has had a few days. Give him time. Lots of time, possibly years.

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 04:33:45 AMOh and I told a friend (who likes transexuals) but he pleaded with me to "not cut [my] dick off."

The contents of your underwear are none of your friends business or anyone else's business. I advise you to keep it that way and tell people that your genitals are private but if they wish to talk about genitalia then you will be happy to discuss theirs....

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 04:33:45 AMIt's like strangers on the internet is all I have for these lonely times alone in my room at night.

I really hope you all understand. Forgive my intensity.

Intensity is fine, we all go through it. You are not experiencing anything that has not been experienced by most of us here.

Just never forget that being transsexual does not mean that you give up being human, nor should you allow people to treat you as anything other than a normal person. Being transsexual is a private matter and you do not have to disclose to anyone you do not want to. Your life is yours, not theirs to manage.

Thank you Jessica (that post meant a lot to me), and thank you all.

@ Kelly: Yes vaginas are varied just like noses, hands, eyes or any other body part.  I know this. I do, however, know how a vagina doesn't look and I saw some of that looking at SRS results, and I am just worried that I would get something like that.

Let me be clear to everyone here please, I would rather be a woman who society at large views as ugly than be a guy that society views as handsome. What I fear is not that I won't turn out some supermodel (I don't CARE about that), but that I'll just be someone who everyone looks at and says, "oh, that's just a ->-bleeped-<- guy."

My emphasis on looks revolves around being left alone with respect to snide comments, whispers, or even being killed. I know I would have to face that stuff as a passable woman, but I would imagine tgirls get it worse.

Look, I'm not contemplating this stuff to get a sexual rise
nor to curry favor with women
nor to join some trend

I am just TIRED of living as something that I am not, I am tired of looking away in the mirror, I am tired of looking away from my penis like someone looks away from a turd in the toilet, a disgusting thing that's just there.

I just want to go through my transition and quietly live my life, not at LGBT rallies, not as a champion of rights, but as someone who just got a medical issue corrected. I apologize if that makes me an uncaring jerk-face.

I didn't even know this stuff was in the DSM. I read through some of that stuff and some of these stories like "OMG, really." Like I totally met every single point in the DSM save the one about "a strong rejection of typical toys/games typically played by one's sex." I enjoyed boy toys/games so long as they weren't rough. I have been a gamer my entire life (playing girl chars, btw).  When I go to a therapist, if I am honest (and I will be, rest assured) they'll probably say I have serious gender issues that need to be corrected. I just thought I was a bisexual, rather feminine dude and that transexualism was something guys did motivated primarily by sexual desire, that is until I started looking at old home movies, pictures, and thinking back on how I stole my sisters clothes/makeup/toys and how it see the boys in the neighborhood chased me as much as the girls, albeit in secret. After learning what probably amounts to .005% of what I need to know, I have learned enough to put the pieces together and begin to realize who I am.

I do not necessarily care about being pretty, I just want to be a woman. I want to just be able to dress (I am not a flashy dresser anyway), and go out to do my thing without getting a bunch of bull->-bleeped-<- from people, see. I am bad dealing with bull->-bleeped-<- because it makes me cry. I so envy you girls who are like "so what what they think."

Harsh though it may be, I'll tell you this: I don't want or expect some Gianna Michaels vagina, but I don't want something that will make me gasp when I look in the mirror. I am not sexually active, fact is I don't even like sex that much - I dunno if that will change in the future, but I don't want any part of my body to look mutilated.

So yeah, my lack of knowledge and experience is as big as the Pacific, and just as dangerous to navigate it seems. That's why I am here, Kelly - not to be reminded I am ignorant and inexperienced, but to work on remedying that ignorance.

I have been lurking on these boards for about three days STRAIGHT, all your stories and pictures and I sometimes wonder if I have the strength to do this. I want to, I want to so bad, but I have never been the strongest person.

I trust you all understand where I am coming from with all this. Sorry to be psycho.

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 06:00:46 AM
@ Kelly: Yes vaginas are varied just like noses, hands, eyes or any other body part.  I know this. I do, however, know how a vagina doesn't look and I saw some of that looking at SRS results, and I am just worried that I would get something like that.

The couple I've seen 'up close and personal' I wouldn't have known unless I'd been told.. OK, one did have a visible scar, which I recognised for what it was, but I'd highly doubt 99.9% of the cis male population would read it the same.

And look at it this way, the pics the surgeons have are only those where the patient has consented, so they may not be representative of the full scope of their work..

QuoteI just want to go through my transition and quietly live my life, not at LGBT rallies, not as a champion of rights, but as someone who just got a medical issue corrected. I apologize if that makes me an uncaring jerk-face.

Here and a trans chatroom I help Mod are the only places I regularly associate with other trans people. I'm not a huge activist. I came out, started transition and wandered off and got on with the rest of my life. I don't think I look particularly feminine, but it seems others see me differently.

QuoteI do not necessarily care about being pretty, I just want to be a woman. I want to just be able to dress (I am not a flashy dresser anyway), and go out to do my thing without getting a bunch of bull->-bleeped-<- from people, see. I am bad dealing with bull->-bleeped-<- because it makes me cry. I so envy you girls who are like "so what what they think."

Are you a woman or do you want to be one? Either way, Nike had it right, Just Do It. There's going to be a stage where you get odd looks no matter how you are dressed. We all go through it.

QuoteHarsh though it may be, I'll tell you this: I don't want or expect some Gianna Michaels vagina, but I don't want something that will make me gasp when I look in the mirror. I am not sexually active, fact is I don't even like sex that much - I dunno if that will change in the future, but I don't want any part of my body to look mutilated.

The issue is though, is that you wont know what it will look like until after it is done.. And what you get is partly the surgeon and partly what they have to work with. It's a crapshoot..

QuoteSo yeah, my lack of knowledge and experience is as big as the Pacific, and just as dangerous to navigate it seems. That's why I am here, Kelly - not to be reminded I am ignorant and inexperienced, but to work on remedying that ignorance.

Apologies if I seemed a little blunt, but I've seen too many new members with unrealistic expectations and unrealistic fears..

QuoteI have been lurking on these boards for about three days STRAIGHT, all your stories and pictures and I sometimes wonder if I have the strength to do this. I want to, I want to so bad, but I have never been the strongest person.

I trust you all understand where I am coming from with all this. Sorry to be psycho.

I don't know that I was all that strong.. Bloody minded and wanting to avoid death are probably better options.

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 06:00:46 AM
Let me be clear to everyone here please, I would rather be a woman who society at large views as ugly than be a guy that society views as handsome. What I fear is not that I won't turn out some supermodel (I don't CARE about that), but that I'll just be someone who everyone looks at and says, "oh, that's just a ->-bleeped-<- guy."

Many of us aim for exactly that. It CAN be done. The key is confidence, self-belief and preparation. That is it. HRT helps but is not necessary. Surgery is irrelevant unless you plan to walk around with no underwear and trousers.

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 06:00:46 AMMy emphasis on looks revolves around being left alone with respect to snide comments, whispers, or even being killed. I know I would have to face that stuff as a passable woman, but I would imagine tgirls get it worse.

My experience is that you get treated as you expect to be treated. If you expect to be treated as a woman then you will get treated as one providing that you behave like one and look a bit like one. Ideally sound a bit like one too. Voice training is tedious but it yields great advantages.

I started my transition in my 40s. I lived socially as female for 12 months before I started HRT. I lost weight, grew my hair, had my bristles treated (still doing that one.....) and learned to talk and move in a more feminine fashion. Once I started believing in myself I was treated as a woman even by those who read me so it can be done but it will take months.

You have to learn to become a woman just like becoming a man. Girls spend all their life at it and teenage girls are notoriously bad at it until they learn to get it right. People know that teenage girls will make fashion faux-pas and be silly and air-headed. Teenage boys are not men, but they learn as they grow and lose most of their bluster and pig-headedness to exercise more responsibility and compassion. We have to learn all this much later and much faster but it can be done.

Quote from: Petti on August 12, 2014, 06:00:46 AMI just want to go through my transition and quietly live my life, not at LGBT rallies, not as a champion of rights, but as someone who just got a medical issue corrected. I apologize if that makes me an uncaring jerk-face.

Well then do that. You do not have to be an "activist" any more than anyone else in society. It is not required.

Stop overthinking all this stuff. Just be you. That is the whole point of transition - to become "you", the authentic "you", the "you" that has been hidden all these years. Stuff what other people think, your life is YOURS to live, they all got one of their own so yours is yours to live.

Once again ladies, thanks a ton.

@Kelly, when you asked am I a woman, lemme clear that up:

Inside myself I have always felt feminine, womanly - but I can tell you that with respect to phenotype/genotype or whatever the techno term  is for appearance, I am  a man. Just like I asked my father and sis when I unloaded all this stuff on them, "When have either of you EVER heard me refer to myself as a man?" They sat there quiet as church mice because there was never such a time. Now when I say "I just wanna be a woman," that means I want my outward manly appearance to reflect who I am on the inside. Inside, yeah, I am a woman, outside I am a tall, slim dude with a goatee I cant razor off because it'll set my skin on fire. But yeah, That's how I am treated, like a man - so on a level I have to accept that I am, outwardly, a man. That's what I mean when I say I want to be a woman.

Oh and Kelly, Kelly, I don't think you're being blunt or rude, I know you are here to help me and I appreciate that more than these little words can show, okies!

@ Aaggat: Thank you so much for the kind words. That is really inspirational stuff. I guess with that my main reason here is outted - I just need inspiration from other girls, that's all.


I am so afraid which is natural, I suppose. I am going to get a bit of sleep, but thank you all for writing to me and thank you for the warm welcome as well. Maybe if I work up enough courage I'll post a pic of myself and see what you all have to say about HRT.

EDIT: for clarity

It can work, been on hrt for 10 months now, pre op. I have had no ffs done or anything.

Body chemistry has changed to that of a cis female so I actually already smell the same as a cis female does, down there.

I'm the girl on the right with dark hair.

I knew ppl who turnedout well older than 32 so you should be fine

I agree with Jessica about the therapist, the right one can do wonders for your peace of mind. I'm 43 and am still looking for the right one which is tough in my area. (my previous therapist isn't able to help me with this part of my life, but she did save me from myself so I could reach this point.
You have come out to your family which is more than I have so you have that support as well, and you can always ask your sister for makeup advice and help.

Hang in there, I know its not going to be easy, I've always been one for instant gratification so I am going to have to learn patience during my transition but I know that the day will come when I can walk out the door as the real me, head held high and ready to face the world.  You will get there too.

As some have stated above take your time, there is no race against the clock. There have been plenty of girls who transitioned at a much later age and look wonderful!

I just turned 31 so I am only a year younger then you. You are already doing better then me since I haven't got the nerve to come out yet. Take it one step at a time, at the speed you want to take it.

Just keep swimming!

Your age, height, race and shoe size are not your biggest problems. They are not much of a problem at all really - I'm 5"11 and size 12 shoe, and started older then you - its no big deal, I do just fine. Others have transitioned with less going for them and live good lives. 

You might be jumping into a fire if you don't plan things out though, and really look at your expectations.