For the past few nights I've been crying myself to sleep. This seems so hard. Worse I feel like I've been cheated out of 25 years of my life not being female. I feel like I'll never get the time back and that I wasted my childhood and adolescence not being able to be who I really was.

I'm hung up on who I could have been not who I could be

I realize I'm much much younger than many of you but it cuts me like a knife to know that Ill never know what it was like to grow up as a female.

I feel totally robed like something precious has been stolen from me.

I don't know it's hard to see the horizon when you're just taking the first steps

I'm sorry to hear this, hon. Without presuming to know what you've dealt with beyond what I've seen from your other posts, you and I are similar in age, and I've had those crying nights, too. I've even had moments of suicidal ideation when the depression went too deep. I've felt like the girl inside me is in a cage, and when I want to present as female but can't, I imagine I'm being forced to push her back down into a terrible cramped space. It sucks.

But the other side of this is that we're still actually pretty young. I tend to feel like I'm old when I stand in front my teenage students or by my younger cousins, yet the reality is that we are still not old. Many people, moreover, transition decades beyond where we are now--and they look great, and are happier. And regardless of age, when we begin presenting as female, it's like a kind of rebirth. Obviously, we aren't literally regaining lost youth, but we are gaining a chance to live life from here on as we always wanted to--and we get to begin to experience the things we hadn't. The first time I went out in a dress and leggings, I walked in front a man by mistake, and he stopped, stepped back, smiled, and bowed to let me pass. It was silly chivalry, and yet it meant the world to me; I was always the guy doing that myself, and suddenly, I had become the girl on the other end. And when I went shopping with a friend to Sephora once, and we got called "ladies"--well, even if they were just being nice and had read me, they had read me correctly as a lady in the right sense, and it meant so much to me.

Being trans* means struggling for almost all of us--but the rewards will be worth it, I hope, even as the struggle will continue. I am struggling so much with coming out and with family issues all set alongside heavy schoolwork, yet I take joy from the little moments where I see the girl in me--and others do, as well, because she is no longer the girl in me but the girl-who-is-me.

I'm there if you ever need to rant or anything, and there are many other people in this age range on here, too. If you stay strong, I hope you'll get through. Take the small moments--and go from there.

I was just about to make a topic about this as I have been having the exact same feelings. I can't count the number of nights i have cried my self to sleep with this on my mind and still do. Growing up I was always jealous of my female friends and talked about their lives from day to day things to important events in every girls life wishing I was part of it all too.

Now I'm trying to make sure no more of my life gets stolen by 'him' but my anxiety, depression and low self esteem are making that really hard on me. only some of my friends know I'm a girl but only a few actually treat me like one every one else treats me like 'him' and I don't know how to make them stop. Never once have I been seen as a woman in public when I wear my feminine clothes. its really hard on me some times and I dont know what to do.

If it makes you feel any better at all this is a totally normal feeling.  I look back at the 40 years I wasted myself. I know I will be alone the rest of my life because I have zero chance of finding love or living a cis life as the real me. I don't dwell on it though because if I have nothing else ever I am happier, healthier and at peace with myself internally for the first time in my life. I can live with that. 

You can't beat yourself up over these things.  What happened, happened, and there's nothing you can do to change the past. 

You can move forward and pack as much happiness into however much time it is you have left on this planet. 

I only started to truly live at the age of 43.  I intend on living life to the fullest and experiencing as much happiness as I can, and treating each day of life I am granted as a precious gift that is never again to be squandered.

Screw the past, it's all about the present and the future.  Be happy.  Live, love, and enjoy.

I am sitting out here a little more then Jill and Jessica.

Sad part we can not change the past.

Yes it would be nice to have done this at a very young age as many are getting the opportunity now.

Just what good does it do to keep dwelling about the past.

As you do that you are loosing out on the future.

Never give up on LOVE, it can be found no matter where you are in the process if it is what you want.

I remarried at 45 and that was * years ago.

So look at today and tomorrow as your life to live and do the best to make it as happy as you can.

Take it from someone that grew up more around girls and was way more girly than boy'ly. Everyone that lived close, family and friends were girls. I was the freakin' baby and the youngest boy that lived around me was 10 years older than me and the youngest male family member was 15 years older. So I had nothing but girls to play with and socialize with. It's really no big deal. You just grow up. Yeah it sux that we couldn't grow up female but some things I am just glad I missed. First period when you don't know what the hell is going on and the embarrassment of having blood leaking through your pants or shorts with no way to hide it while you walked up and asked the teacher if you could go to the bathroom. Hopefully you didn't wear white bottoms that day. Talk about embarrassing, I heard all about it except for two that it happened at home over the weekend.

Best thing to do is look to the future, embrace who you are now, because a lot of cisgirls had just as hard of a time growing up as we did. For that matter cisboys did too. The past is the past and it is done and over. The present we can be who we want to be and the future is full of potential. So focus on now and what is to come.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 13, 2014, 03:50:07 PM
If it makes you feel any better at all this is a totally normal feeling.  I look back at the 40 years I wasted myself. I know I will be alone the rest of my life because I have zero chance of finding love or living a cis life as the real me. I don't dwell on it though because if I have nothing else ever I am happier, healthier and at peace with myself internally for the first time in my life. I can live with that. 

Sis, give yourself some credit. You don't know what the future holds and Mr. Right may not want a ciswoman or even care but just wants a loving caring woman in his life. Never give up. I won't let you.

I understand, I did the same thing during my first attempt at transition and, apart from being jealous of cis women, it was about the most unproductive and harmful thing I inflicted on myself. I'm totally with Jill on this. The past is the past. It's gone and nothing is bringing it back. And don't forget that a cis gender childhood is not a ticket to happiness. I know plenty of cis women who would rather forget their childhood altogether.

Don't be the person who, in another ten years time, realises they've spent the last ten years of their life worrying about what was or wasn't in the previous twenty. Live your life for now and plan for a great future. Be the person you can be and should be.

I'm transitioning at 51 and I know about those thoughts of regret. Like others have said we can't dwell on the past; it's over and done with. We can, however, control our future. I've decided to live my new life to the fullest with no regrets about happened the first part of my life; even though those years were wrong they helped shape the person I am today.

It is very easy to squander your future by constantly looking back into the past. Please don't do that.

I discovered that I was transgender just recently at the age of 26. I often feel lousy that I didn't figure it out sooner, but I am glad I discovered it now than later. What bugs me the most now is that I haven't done much to transition. So don't worry about what you missed out on and focus on not letting any more time pass.

QuoteI know I will be alone the rest of my life because I have zero chance of finding love or living a cis life as the real me.

Jessica please don't give up on finding love. I recently discovered I was pansexual, and if I can accept anyone for who they are then there is someone out there who will love me for who I am.

I posted a thread about Nick vujicic who was born with no limbs. In his video he stated that he was saving his virginity for his wife and then he said he didn't know who his wife was. The amazing thing is that when I watched his video, I had no doubt he would find someone that would love him. He is such an amazing person. Now he is married and has a beautiful baby boy.

You can see it here if your interested https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,171197.0.html

For what it is worth - this happens to many people at about age 25, not just trans people about not being able to grow up the right way

It is the 'quarter life crisis' and cis people and trans people alike can be attacked by it, so you may indeed be getting the double whammy of both experiences simultaneously

It's very easy to think that the time which has passed has been wasted when it could have been lived as you wanted to live it.

But the truth is: you have not wasted any part of your life.

You were not able to express yourself... but your experiences, thoughts, feelings, perceptions, goals, hopes and dreams have all been affected by that time. And will influence your future, even if you can't see it yet. Your past has gone some way towards shaping who you are.

No, you may not have had the life you wanted. But the life you had can affect the life you want. Not too many people know themselves like trans people know themselves. Not many have spent the long nights soul searching, understanding, resolving, and accepting who they are.

Believe it or not, this aspect is a blessing. It gives you a knowledge that your life is your life. Proactive, not reactive. You can't live a life of your own making until you know who you are. In that, you have an edge. A chance to take control and make your life what you want it to be.

I have had these thoughts myself. But one way to get beyond them is to accept that if the real you is female, then the real you has always been female. And whatever you did, how you looked, your experience... you did grow up as a female. Just someone with different challenges than a lot of other women. Challenges that you can, and have overcome. No, you may not have looked the way you felt you should have, or had the right socialisation, or whatever the case may be. But that fundamental essence of what makes you... you. That core identity that you have tapped into and realised now... she has always been there, and always been you. You have grown up as you, as who you are, because whatever layers life has placed upon you... beneath it all there is still that fundamental truth.

Once you realise that, you can incorporate the past into the present, in order to create a future.

*hugs*