sorry if i posted this in the wrong place

i've always been a tomboy, i dressed like a boy as a kid, i played with boys, i did typical boy stuff.
when i got to an age where i started puberty i would daydream about being a boy instead, i would have a boys life in my mind where he would do general boy things like have girlfriends and stuff, i would live this boys life in my mind.
i wanted to be liked by girls the same way boys are, but the thing is im attracted to men not women, i think i want girls to like me and see me as a boy because thats how boys are seen. i think if i were a cis male i would probably like both men and women, but the thought of being with a woman now (as i am in a females body) makes me feel really disgusting (i dont think lesbians are disgusting but it just feels horribly wrong to me personally, sorry if i offend anyone) but if i were to imagine myself as a boy being sexual with a girl, i like the idea of it. I dont like the idea of me as a female being sexual with a male either but i like the idea of me as a male being sexual with another man. but what really confuses me (the next part may be too much information for some people) but when i masturbate i pretend im a man having sex with a woman which makes NO sense to me at all because right now im attracted to men and not women, even though the idea of sex with either men or women as a female makes me feel disgusting. I have no idea whats going on in my mind but im jealous of men and how they're seen. I don't want to be sexualized the way women are i dont want to be pretty i want to be handsome. i'm sorry if this is all really scattered and makes no sense but thats how my mind is right now. do i sound transgender to you? i dont try to pass or look like a boy because i never came to the realization that im trans until recently, ive always lived as a girl, makeup, long hair, girls clothes, but in my mind i have always lived this imaginary life of a cis male because thats been my escape from mu female life, a life in my mind where i can be who i want to be. it makes no sense. I have dysphoria about my female parts, i wish they were gone, i wish i had a penis not a vagina, im uncomfortable touching down there unless i pretend im masturbating as a male, if that makes sense.

my main issue, if i am trans, i never want to transition because i would ruin my life, i would loose friends and loose the life i have right now, even though i want to be a male i know my life is better as a female in terms of having friends and being popular etc etc, which is why i have doubts about being trans because trans people seem to have it figured out, they want to transition but i don't because im scared of what people will think and how my life will be so more worse because now i have it fairly easy i have lots of friends and people like me, trans people face such transphobia etc that it makes me feel suicidal when i think of transitioning.

im sorry if this makes no sense, i just dont know, i feel trans, 100%, but then i have doubts and its scary

A lot of what you said in the first part sounds like me a few years ago. Personally, I'm no longer at a place in my life where I could stand not being myself for anyone else though. Turns out being me is great for me since I've actually been having a much easier time with friends since coming out as trans and being myself and I feel I am much closer to living the life I want. I understand that I'm very lucky though and not everyone is.
Whether you transition or not is up to you and doesn't make you any less trans.

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Safe passage on your path
Izzy

I have more friends now than I ever did before I transitioned and I am way more popular.. I was scared to transition, but doing so has made my life much easier..

Not going to sugarcoat what transitioning would mean: you stand to lose people, family, and a job but that can be avoided once you have a plan set out. In any case, you will gain more by becoming the person you always were meant to be and you'll gain confidence and start to come into your own, attracting people around you and doing stuff you've always wanted to but never did.

I'd recommend seeking a gender therapist to help you figure this out and what next steps to take.

All of your experiences and feelings and doubts and worries are normal. I second (third, fourth, a million times) the advice to seek out a gender therapist. Transition or even just identifying as trans can be a really big deal. Keep in mind that you can take any steps or no steps as you feel comfortable, and you don't have to cannonball into the deep end.

You sound very young to me by some of what you've said. 

I also agree that you may need to consider seeing a therapist with whom to discuss these feelings.  You may not be trans at all - you may be genderfluid, asexual...I don't know.  No one here can tell you whether or not you're trans. 

Don't get too caught up in labels, or trying to fit yourself into a box.  Mind you, I'm not at all discounting your questions.  What you said does make sense, and your doubts and fears are reasonable. 

I don't have a simple answer.  As other have said, a therapist would be immensely helpful.  You've got a lot of big questions.  You could be trans or non-binary or an occasional cross dresser.  There is a difference between wishing to be a boy and actually identifying as one.  The fact that you currently present as female does not rule out trans, nor does sexual attraction to men.

If you come to the conclusion that you are transgender, do not feel pressured into transitioning just because that is supposedly what "real trans" always do.  Every person and every situation is different. 

Definitely talk to a good gender therapist.  Whether or not you transition is totally up to you.  And only transition if YOU feel you absolutely HAVE TO, and are doing it for YOURSELF.

Transition sucks.  It's hard.  That in-between phase is difficult.  Coming out is hard.  Having to reveal something deeply personal is hard.  I'm lucky in that I didn't lose anyone or anything and my life has been amazing.  Living the dream as ME.  But that's me.  All that I know who have transitioned are so much happier being themselves.

I'm one who cannon-balled off into the deep end without looking back.  I needed to be fully male ASAP.  Others need time to process the idea and need to go much more slowly.  And some find transition will not be for them.  There is no one right way to be trans, if in fact you are trans.  There is no one right way to transition, if you decide you need to transition.  Take your time.  there is no rush to do anything.


Jay