Quote from: RobinGee on August 18, 2014, 09:47:45 PMI don't really hate anybody. I've just gotten a lot of flack. I'm talking about people dismissing me fo not jumping on the transition train.
The fact also remains that I'm not totally sure where my gender comfort zone for myself is. I'm somewhere between gender nonconforming straight male and non-op lesbian transwoman. I might be bigender, or gender fluid or whatever.
My wife has said she'll support me no matter what. But losing a lot of what makes me male makes her very sad. She has said that if I needed to completely be female including SRS she'd end our marriage but remain friends. She's not sure how far she's wiling to go less than that. We're in a non medical exploration period and I can be as open as I choose to be with the exception of three people for specific reasons. Unfortunately we live with two of them right now.
Hi Robin,
Your situation sounds familiar to my own in many ways. I also do not see myself entirely at either end of the gender spectrum. If I have a destination at all, then it would be somewhere in between. My wife has also been very supportive thus far, although she too has some caveats on what she feels capable of accepting. One big difference is that you are currently living with people to whom you cannot yet be completely yourself around.
My wife is also sad to see her husband slowly vanish, yet she has been & continues to be very supportive of me. She does have limits on what is able to accept, and I have been keeping that in mind with each decision I have had to make regarding taking steps to transition.
Shortly after I accepted that I might be trans, but before I had started HRT (or anything other than therapy), I was given some advice that has helped me tremendously in coping with the question: "How much should I do ? How far should I go ?"
I was told that, when it came to transitioning, I should be doing the least amount that I have to do in order to quell the dyphoria sufficiently so that I can enjoy my life, ie:
"The most that I should be doing is that least that I can get away with doing." For the first few months I tried not taking HRT. That did not work out too well for me. My 'least' included HRT.
My initial acceptance that I needed to address the issue came through a visit to the ER after I self-medicated on herbs. For me, it became clear that I absolutely had to go on HRT if I was to avoid another trip to the ER. My wife was very much against this initially, stating (among other things) that she would not be able to share a bed with boobs that weren't hers. That proved to be a line in the sand rather than written in stone. Quite possibly because not taking HRT had become an obvious threat to my health.
Part of what helped was that (after the my initial stupidity & visit to the ER) she could see that I was seeking & taking medical advice. We had joint sessions with both my therapist & hers. When I had a medical appointment, I always invited her to join me. She usually accepted, and she could see that I was being truthful with her about what was being discussed.
Once my wife started viewing HRT as just another medication that would (hopefully) address my OCD behaviour, my depression, etc., then she became OK with me at least trying something to see if it helped. HRT did help. A lot. So much that even though she still wants back the husband she married, she is quite unwilling to let go of the improvements in my behaviour. My OCD around being trans has gone, as has my depression. I have become more able to function in the world, and have not only been able to get a job that pays enough to pay the bills, but I am receiving & being told about emails from managers complimenting my work (this has never happened before). The improvement from HRT in my emotional & mental stability has been undeniable. It has even been obvious to my parents from 3,000 miles away via phone & Skype.
The visit to the ER that started me on this journey was in Jan 2013. I started HRT in Jun 2013. I did nothing else towards transition until Mar 2014.
After some discussion with my wife, I decided to go for laser treatment for my face in Mar 2014. This has removed most of the dark hairs, leaving me with no 5 o'clock shadow & many, many white beard hairs. I subsequently started getting electrolysis for the white hairs on my neck last month. Her reasoning for being OK with it was that she always preferred when my face was clean shaven. I am not doing anything about any of my body hair. I have not felt it necessary to do so. (It is not part of my 'least'.)
I am still presenting a male front to the world most of the time, even at home. I do not have the same restrictions at home as yourself. The other two people who live with us know about me being trans. My wife has told me that she does not mind how I dress when I am at home. I do sometimes wear female clothing, but I mostly wear clothing in which I feel comfortable leaving the house.
There is still no discussion, or even thoughts, of surgery. I do think that FFS or SRS surgery would likely be a marriage-ender. This is not my only reason for not considering surgery, I am also quite loth myself to volunteer for any surgery that is not absolutely necessary. For me, for now, my dysphoria is not compelling me to consider trans-related surgeries regardless of the consequences. I admit that I am hoping that that continues.
Both my wife & I realise that I may reach a point where the changes from HRT will induce "male-fail". At that point it is likely that I will need to consider socially transitioning my gender. I think my wife may be more prepared for that than I am. Until then, what I am doing is working, so I am not in a hurry to change it.
My journey is mine. No-one else has to live it. No-one outside my family & myself have to live with it.
When someone tells me that: "It's only a matter of time before ..." whatever ... I just leave them be and look to another person for support. I am fortunate to have many friends (cis & trans) who are willing to support me even though their journey is quite different from mine. Friends who are willing to acknowledge that what works for one may harm another.
You did request suggestions, so:
[1] Speak to a therapist who has experience with trans patients.
[2] Consider HRT. There are some here at Susan's who have found low doses of HRT sufficient to provide relief from the emotional anguish without incurring any major physical changes. Discuss that with a medical professional & with your spouse.
[3] If occasionally presenting as female alleviates your dyphoria, then find ways to accomplish this safely.
[4] Keep talking. Keep talking with your spouse. Keep talking with friends who support you. Keep talking here. Bottling things inside myself provided much fuel for the suicidal thoughts that would get at me all too often.
[5] Be honest with yourself. Really honest. Even (ie: especially) when you do not like what you find. And then talk to someone about it.
I won't go on anymore. That is more than enough.
Do keep talking to people. Get some phone numbers. There will be friends who will listen to you. They do not have to be trans, or even know anything about being trans. They just have to be willing to listen. For example: One of my greatest such "sounding boards" is a childhood friend who knows almost nothing about being trans, but he knows me very well & he is willing to listen to me for an hour or two when I need someone.
I hope you find something helpful in what i have written.
Be well,
Tessa
