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Currently at a crossroads

Started by Empty Miroir, August 18, 2014, 12:38:02 AM

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Empty Miroir

August 18, 2014, 12:38:02 AM
Or on the verge of coming to a crossroads. Regardless, I've been lurking here on and off for the last couple of years, and I finally felt the need to really get involved in this community. I'm transmasculine, that's the closest I can get to labeling "it". I've been wanting to remove my breasts since I was 14, I'm now 23, its almost been a decade since I've come to realize who I vaguely am, yet I'm still pre-everything. But I feel that it's going to be changing soon.
My dad (who knows about my gender identity issues) is moving to British Columbia from Manitoba next year, and he expects me to move with him. My parents are divorced, and my siblings aren't going. I don't think I can though. I love the idea of moving out of my crappy hick town to beautiful BC but I want to go out on my own. My dad also isn't exactly on board with my transitioning, he's no where near hostile, and I know that both he and my mom love me, but he thinks it's a "phase". I know I'll never be able to comfortably transition living with him. I having to tip toe around the gender issue because neither of my siblings know and he goes awkward and quiet the few times I brought it up.
I feel like I'm abandoning him. He has his sister and her family living already in the city he's moving at, but I don't want him to be alone. I think he sees me as his only company and I'm his favorite child, as he admitted on a few occasions. But I can't live like this anymore, I've become a recluse and a shut-in because I don't want to live life in this female role.
Any advice on how to deal with parents on these issues? I just want to live life as myself and not be shamed or ostracized into silence.   
"He's leaving you behind. And by the time you catch up, he'll be a different person." -Vanitas
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Julia-Madrid

#1
August 18, 2014, 01:12:34 AM
Hiya

Your situation isn't easy, but I believe that dialogue is the only way to at least move forward. 

You've at least got the immensely positive point that he sees you as his favourite child.  Arrange a time to talk seriously about where you are and how you are feeing.

Good luck!
J

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Taka

#2
August 18, 2014, 01:22:04 AM
you're ten years older than my dad was, when he figured it was about time to leave his parents and go live on his own. it's not really the child's duty to relieve their parent's loneliness, and neither can a child fix their parents' problems. and your father might just find the perfect companion when he's suddenly all on his own, for all you know now. you can still call him every day if you're worried.

go live your own life, if your parents and siblings are all that's holding you back. give them a chance to be part of your life, but not in the way of having anything to say in your decisions. unless you truly want their advice on something. the best would be if you could spend quality time with them every time they or you visit.

you have a right to set conditions. it's possible to just inform your family of your own decisions. and then if they want to talk more about the way you choose to live your life, you can tell them to drop it if their discussion ends up as just criticism. you'd have to be mentally prepared for this though, so you can handle it in a calm manner rather than respond emotionally if they get too emotional. like, you don't have to feel sorry or guilty just because someone else is upset, especially if they're upset about something that you know is right for you.
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Jera

#3
August 18, 2014, 02:10:27 AM
It's not a black and white thing, if you leave to try to make your own way, live on your own, that doesn't necessarily mean you're abandoning your family. You can still keep in touch, talk to, support, or do whatever else you want to do with them, without being in their presence 24/7.

If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that you cannot live your life entirely defined by someone else. At some point, you really do have to just do for you, or else you'll never really be happy. Likewise with shame. The only way people can make you feel shame is if you give them the power to make you feel that way.

Sometimes the next step we need can be a sort of leap into the black. Will you be happier when you land? Maybe, maybe not. But there's only one way to find out.
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