I'm not really new, just giving it a second shot. I just want to leave my past behind, all that confusion and frustration, don't want it anymore. I'm no closer to figuring myself out or what's best for me, but I feel like I've overcome a dark period in my own life. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't resort to doing something stupid. I had a few friends who helped me get through this phase.

After months of soul searching, I'm no longer desperate to be grouped together with other people anymore,  when I was a kid, I tried really hard to fit in with the cis crowd, and I spent the last two years or so trying to fit in with trans people, now I realize I'm unique. I'm glad there are a lot of other people like me and I'm not alone.

I like the idea of being 'non-binary', I pretty much am, but I cannot lie, I'm inclined towards one side, and that is the female side. It's kind of a spiritual thing for me, and I'm not really spiritual per se. I wish I could just feel 'normal' for one day, I want to have a day where I don't think about gender, identity and things like that i.e, A day without gender dysphoria and identity issues. I battle depression, and I think that is my most immediate concern for now,

I have strange, frequent mood swings, I was optimistic and looking forward to change when I started writing this post, but now I realize I'm pretty much the same, maybe I'm just desperate to make myself believe that I'm getting better. Maybe I'm just trying to force optimism and it's just not happening for me.

Hardest part of living as a closet transgender seems like family to me, they've known me as a male (albeit a sensitive one) for over 20 years, and overall, I seemed pretty fine to them, I can sort of understand them if they don't support me if I decide to make some 'changes' to myself to better reflect how I feel inside. I don't know how I'm going to convince them that this is more than just a 'fetish' or an alternative lifestyle, because they've seen me happy before, sometimes I was really happy, other times I was just 'faking it'.

All I want is normalcy..... and I don't know if acceptance is a reality or not in my case. I'm trying really hard to accept myself and open up to people I know, but If I suffer a personal setback, I could go back in the closet again, and I don't want that. I wouldn't be doing myself any favors.

Hey Cin

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

It's not easy trying to figure where we fit into a cis-centric world and certainly the gender policing that goes on by many folk doesn't help much. Plenty of people here trying to figure stuff out too.

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Cheers

Grace

Welcome Cin to the family.

We all deal with things on our own pace.

You will work out all the things needed.

Thank you, I have a lot of figuring out to do, still, and not enough time? I feel like I'm thousands of years old sometimes, lol.

Hi Cin and welcome to our family!

Hi Cin, and welcome to Susan's

I believe this is an appropriate vehicle to assist you in your endeavours, those concerned with finding your stride on this journey. I certainly have found it to be an excellent adjunct to my regular sessions "on the couch". The narrative here is enlightening, and often encouraging, and I would be remiss if I failed to note that the sense of community we have is a great comfort.

Cin, normalcy is a statistical construct. It is not really relevant. I think what you need is to discover the protocol that will enable you to be comfortable in your own skin. Have you seen a therapist? It helped me. A lot.

I am confident that your quality of life will be improving, Cin. After all, you're here, it's a wonderful group, you will find yourself

(((hugs)))
-ellie