I was watching a documentary on transgender children and found it incredible that they not only had that self-awareness but also the drive to instigate change in how their world perceived them at such an early age. A friend casually mentioned to me a few weeks ago about a three year old she babysat for who demanded to wear his pink dress and sing the song 'Let it go' from Frozen on loop throughout the day. Was that boy transgender, i don't know, but he sure knew what he liked and what he wanted and the people around him don't see it as a big deal. I thought to myself why didn't I do the same at an early age? Is it a difference in personality? Was it simply not knowing or being rather confused with gender in general?  There are of course a number of issues and circumstances that no doubt influence such an early decision, but it does make you think. I try to recall back to the time when i would wear dresses, heels and makeup from a young age and my mum thinking it was something that all children do. My dad on the other hand was very worried and would thrust upon me action figurines and cars, as well as asking some of the older boys in the neighborhood to play with me. I didn't mind at all.

On the other hand whilst i didn't make my stand as a child, i simply can't progress any further as an adult in my birth gender. I tried so hard to push my dysphoria to one side and hope that a typical life path would help me. Family, job, house etc etc. But i couldn't do it. I worked out incredibly hard, i went on dates, but whilst i was/am attracted to other women i can't bring myself to even consider penetrative sex. I never thought of myself as a gay male and couldn't understand why i simply could not entertain the idea of penetrative sex with a woman. I've always known that i would have to transition, i just didn't want it to happen. I've come to a point now where i simply can not take many more steps as a male in this life.

So to the question. To those who transitioned later in life, i fully appreciate that times are different and that their was a lack of information and awareness on being transgender, but how did you manage to potentially start a family and push on so far into adult life as your birth gender?

Maybe we all tried to varying degrees at an early age and got told (with varying degrees of forcefulness) "only girls wear dresses", etc. Sounds like that child has received no negative gender reinforcements and kids that age just do what they want if they are able.

It came down to always putting others needs in front of mine and stuffing it back in.

Just i did not know what i was stuffing other then the feeling of being a girl and wanting to live as a girl.

Had no clue what it was called.

You find ways to lie to yourself and just keep on keeping on.

Me i was a workaholic and that keep my mind on other things.

I'm seriously about to crack. This journey is so incredibly isolating and so so so hard. Anyone know of a good therapist in the UK who doesn't charge an extortionate fee?
My family don;t wnt to know. i can't talk to friends about this. My bf dropped me out of the blue. I am not out at work and live every day of my life having to hide and conform. I can;t do it anymore. i just can't. I just need someone to listen

Go to your GP and tell them this.  They can  refer you to a therapist.  I got my Therapy free from the NHS by surprise after I'd attended a sexual health clinic and told them I was transitioning.  A few days later they phoned me and said oh by the way we offer this therapy if you're interested.

While dysphoria does vary, I think everyone's coping mechanisms and circumstances do as well.  Some people can speak up about it easierly, some have to hide it out of fear of being hurt or disowned.  I am terrified of other people and fear offending or upseting them in anyway because of what it can cause.  At age 23, I realized that continously living this way isn't healthy and my self hatred needed to be confronted.  At some point you got to start to live a bit for yourself and stop fearing the world.   But even though it took me some years to get here, I wouldn't say the dysphoria wasn't bad.  In fact, my dysphoria as a teen during early puberty was harder than some of the stages before my transition.

How I came this far, let's see...

I was such a coward during my childhood and adolescent years, for everything. I almost came out when I heard of the concept of a "sex change" and I think I even told them I wanted one and my parents laughed it off. Even if I came out, they'd never pay for it. The most prominent trans person from my country is Jowelle De Souza, and everyone pretty much scorned her. It's only now that LGBT rights are more mainstream that people respect her.

But I always acted girlish. I would play girls' games like hopscotch (which was predominantly a girls' game where I grew up). My kid pictures were always in girlish poses, hips to one side etc. My hair was long too. My mom even bought me a girl's outfit (with pants, but it was pink and had a crop top) for one of my birthday parties. Maybe she didn't know it was, but I was thrilled. My dad was furious. I think it was when mom and dad split and I lived with my dad that I repressed my fem side because my dad was a pretty rough, unpolished male stereotype. I also never really dated in high school, apart from going to an all boys school I was always afraid of rejection, and I had this stupid notion in my head that a girl would ask ME out. Eventually in 5th and 6th form I made a lot of friends who were girls, I think I had maybe one or two guy friends out of about 20 girls. I just got along much better with them. 

Oh yeah, my dad used to write short stories, and once he wrote one about our family but changed the oldest child (me) to a girl, a little older. I liked that too, but was confused as to why he did it.

Anyway, in my early 20s I met wife #1 over the internet, and I emigrated to the US and married her. I figured I'd have a family with her. She was very beautiful, spunky and a little crazy. Turned out that was for the worse, and after a year or so we split and divorced. Wife #1 was slightly older than me (7 months). We never really had sex because apparently she was so crazy she'd cry when we wanted to take it further than 3rd base.

After that I picked up wife #2 who was a few years older than me, but I found myself compatible with her. Eventually through the years we got married and had a few kids. It just happened because I was in a hurry to "beat" my siblings to produce offspring. I still love her and she is my best friend and all, but truth be told there isn't much of any "spark" in the bedroom anymore. We hug and cuddle but that's about it. Sex has become a chore and I often imagine it the other way round. However we are pretty much the same size so her clothes fit me and I crossdress, quite a lot.

What's keeping me from fully coming out now? Fear of rocking the boat. I really do want to be a woman (even if I'm the ugliest woman in the world) but I love my kids and my wife. I really don't want my kids removed from my life at all. I love them and they need me around. So it's tough. I am going to see a therapist soon to sort out my gender issues but my wife won't know about it yet. I want to slowly "come out" to her but I realize that some things are just inevitable. I'm thinking of gradually adjusting my presentation to androgynous and then proceeding from there.

Quote from: jname on August 19, 2014, 04:23:02 PM
To those who transitioned later in life, i fully appreciate that times are different and that their was a lack of information and awareness on being transgender, but how did you manage to potentially start a family and push on so far into adult life as your birth gender?

I personally was subjected to extreme "reparative therapy" techniques and beatings. I assimilated as a male under the relentless attacks. My male life was just survival, period. I became a robot and my previous life seems like a nightmare which I finally awoke from. Now that most of my antagonist's are dead and gone I am living how I should have been allowed to all the this time. Why did it take so long you might ask? Quite simply the "programming" was just that good. My Therapist even had to remove subconscious triggers from my mind which compelled me to remain assimilated even as some of them failed and allowed me to find a therapist period. I was basically a walking version of Star Treks Borg.

I had it hammered out of me by unaccepting peers.

I was very much gender-nonconforming between the ages of 10-14 or so... wearing short shorts, singing soprano in choir, shaving my legs and my arms, and openly admitting to people that I pretended to be a girl on internet chat rooms. I got teased about it a lot. But unlike the kids who demand their rights, I didn't have the fortitude to put up with the constant teasing and constantly being called the "gay" kid. So I basically stopped doing all of those things when I entered high school, and threw myself into the closet. And I started viewing my trans desires as sinful and dirty and unnatural, and turned to Christianity to try and get over them. And that is how I coped for the next 10 years... living in denial, trying to pray them away.

I've known I was trans since I was about 15. But I always falsely believed that I couldn't do it, because I thought it was too late, and I thought I'd never be able to put up with the social ridicule if I didn't "pass." That was my other coping strategy, was to constantly tell myself that transition was impossible even though I knew I wanted it. So I decided to try everything I could to be happy as a guy... focus on following my passions, possibly getting a family, everything that I thought I needed to be happy as a guy.

And, well, I survived. My life as a guy wasn't the best, I felt emotionally brain-dead and antisocial most of the time, but again, I survived. I was reasonably able to be happy by focusing on the small joys in life, and immersing myself in various projects to keep my mind occupied even though the pain of dysphoria was always lingering there in the background. And it took me reaching the point where I really did have everything that I'd always thought I needed to be happy as male, and yet I still wasn't happy, to finally admit to myself that I had to transition.

Thank you everyone for sharing x

1. I was raised in such a way that I put proving myself to others above pleasing myself.
2. I didn't understand my feelings (see 1).

my mom told me i looked so nice in that dress. there was never any other choice than to wear it, when she had decided so.
she has serious problems, and an abusive nature. she a real energy vampire, so bad that one of my brothers has to mentally prepare for her visiting just for one short weak twice a year. ten minutes in the same room as her has given me headaches. and 6 out of 6 children of hers have been made to suffer.
a totalitarian despot who almost ruined my life. but i've taken it back from her, never again letting her do as she wishes with my life.

kids who can wear whatever they want are lucky. they must have great parents. my younger brother got to wear dresses when he was little, i was forced into them when i was a little bigger. but my brother isn't trans as far as i know, and he was damaged in other ways by this woman who never learned to listen to others.

some times, it's really not the kid's fault if they couldn't express themselves properly in childhood. many adults or other kids put up barriers that it's near impossible to get through alone.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on August 19, 2014, 10:35:07 PM
And, well, I survived. My life as a guy wasn't the best, I felt emotionally brain-dead and antisocial most of the time, but again, I survived. I was reasonably able to be happy by focusing on the small joys in life, and immersing myself in various projects to keep my mind occupied even though the pain of dysphoria was always lingering there in the background.

I can totally relate to this, I can be very anti-social at times but try to catch myself when that happens, especially after spending 2 years as a total recluse.  I don't want to go there again.  I've always been the quiet one, shy, never pushing myself forward.  Definitely not an Alpha male type, but I have survived up to now. Life should not be about just surviving, its the joys and the pains and all of life's little experiences that define us.

I don't want to live my life like that any more.  I don't want to just survive, I want to live!  43 years of being who others expect me to be is enough, time to be me dammit.

Waiting for the therapist to call me back to set up my first appointment, found out my employer covers up to 5 visits through their employee wellness program so that will definitely help with some of the costs!