Hey there! Trying to get my way through a fairly sharp dysphoria attack by typing and keeping my hands + mind occupied.... Results are mixed... Heh....

On one hand, I'm not making a spectacle of myself on this commuter train.... On the other hand, I feel this incredible tension inside me and I can feel the old lake of tears just trying to burst out from behind my eyes....

It's part my own fault, part triggered....

The part that is mine is simple.... I didn't shave this morning. I'm at a stage where I need to shave daily to try and minimise this feeling and try to minimise any masculinity in my appearance. It's kinda hard, because the beard shadow curse is always there when stuck in mandrag, which I need to do for now professionally (have to pay for everything somehow, right?)....

The other, external trigger was simply the everyday girls that I'm seeing this morning. Seeing them just being who they are, wearing what they want, going about their business.... No chance of any of them being called "the man", "dude", "mister".... Every time someone calls me any these, I die a little inside, which is just GREAT because in my cisfemale-heavy workplace, they tend to call all the "males", mister.... Which drives me completely insane, but.... It's not like I can protest it without raising questions I'm not ready to answer just yet....

That aside, I'll get back to the "girls on the station" trigger.... Well, it hurts, it makes me jealous, it drags me back to unhelpful thought patterns about the life I was denied (Need to think ahead, not back!).... It makes me feel like an alien among all these humans.... Well actually, I normally feel like an alien among humans, this emphasises that thought, I guess.... lol

I feel like I've gone off topic and lack the mental clarity to check over what I've written, but yeah.... That's how this li'l lady feels this morning! Feels a bit better to get it off my chest...

Hope you are all well!
XOXO

I know exactly what you're talking about. Summer especially is the worst! And to top it off, I was discussing something about gender with one of my very glamorous cis coworkers... then I got triggered like a loaded .357 - the actual words were, "girls are the best." Ugh, I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the day.

Heh, that reminds me of the day that my store decided that to push their cosmetics sales, they would have the female staff members wear particularly striking make-up.

I was in the office when they made the decision. The joke was made that male staff members could too, and then it was laughed away. I don't think anyone noticed me shatter, move into the bathroom and proceed to cry and indulge in a little self-harm.... Not a day I look back on fondly.... :/

I get this a lot too. I have to shave quite frequently or else I feel gross about myself and seeing women like the ones you described trigger me as it's something I can't really have right now and I get envious. I hope you're okay and that things can get better for all of us in time. <3