I wasn't approved for HRT today (so my day is pretty much ruined), the two doctors(that evaluated me last month) basically told me I'm not ready yet. I had trouble defending myself, because once I found out that they weren't going to approve me I was speechless and overcome by my own emotions (which I tend to internalize, I really wish I could've shown my emotions at that moment) and lost in thought.

     It felt like a dagger had just been driven straight through my heart. I don't think I've ever been quite as upset/angry/depressed as I am tonight. It's hard to make people see something you know and feel in your own heart. From the profile they took on me, they also believe I may have depression on top of my social anxiety. Great, like I didn't have it bad enough already. 

     Now I need to find a new therapist with experience in dealing with GID. They tell me I need to talk things out with another doctor for awhile before they'll even consider writing me an HRT letter (though I don't see any reason to come back to them if I can get a letter from another gender therapist, but that would take another 3 months minimum). I'm running out of qualified gender therapists in my area (only two more I can try, It's too bad their both male, since I have trouble opening up to them.) I just feel like I'm getting nowhere fast.

Hopefully things will go better for me with a new doctor.

     I just hope I don't get so desperate that I use hormones or herbal supplements unsupervised, despite all the warnings about doing so. I really can't stand much more rejection in everything I try to do in life. The only thing I do know for certain is that suicide wouldn't solve anything, and I love my mother to much to hurt her that way.

     Maybe their right though, that I'm not ready yet, but I think I'm at least going to start experimenting more with things like clothing, make-up, etc. Maybe even build up enough confidence to go en femme outside of my own home, instead of only when I'm alone. I've already done a little bit of experimenting, but apparently I'm still not good enough for the Gatekeeper's yet.

    Since HRT may be awhile off for now, I should probably consider getting my facial hair removed with a home electrolysis kit or something, since getting it removed  professionally is a bit cost prohibitive for me at this point. At least then I wouldn't be wasting my time until I'm "worthy" of HRT.

With all this time to kill, what other steps could I take to better prepare myself for HRT?

~Marciel

I know emotions want their way. A successful transition takes a lot of money. Plan very careful so you will be successful and not halfway in the middle , it can be very painful and lead you to give up. Just take things slow. You do not need hormones to clear your hair or change your voice. Those things will need to be done for you to be comfortable to pass. If your therapist hears you voice and see a female in his mind you will have no trouble getting a letter for hormones.

P.S. at 26 you could work two jobs and get the money for electrolysis, the home kits just do not do the job. I would think that you are motived to work hard to get what you want if not maybe you need not transition.

It kind of sucks that I waiting ten years and being told I'm not ready yet. I can still learn something from my failure I guess, but I still feel like it's unfair.  I probably have more mental baggage to clear than I thought, before I can transition.
All I know is something has to change, before I slip back into the shadows I've been hiding in for the last 10 years.

I do feel a little better after a good cry in bed last night, but I still feel like crap today.

~Marciel

Quote from: Marciel on September 20, 2007, 11:04:12 PM
     Maybe their right though, that I'm not ready yet, but I think I'm at least going to start experimenting more with things like clothing, make-up, etc. Maybe even build up enough confidence to go en femme outside of my own home, instead of only when I'm alone. I've already done a little bit of experimenting, but apparently I'm still not good enough for the Gatekeeper's yet.

Do you know what their objections are?

Being feminine or appearing female *shouldn't* be a requirement at all. The main thing is to be absolutely positive this is what you NEED to do, and to be emotionally stable enough to handle it. But yea, I know, hard to be emotionally stable while dealing with all this.

I do understand your frustration. It took me something like 11 months to get an HRT letter, which I'm still very angry about. It all worked out better in the end, but... I remember the desperation and dispair I felt while waiting

Maybe ask the therapist what the problem is? Find out what you need to address to make them happy?

~Kate~

      They basically think I haven't talked about it with a therapist for long enough (I thought 3 months was enough, but apparently I was wrong). I had trouble talking with the psychologist and psychiatrist that preformed the evaluation(the one I took last month), probably because I couldn't trust two doctors I'd just met for the first time.

Last month I had asked my psychiatrist to send them a letter detailing everything I told her to help support my case, but she failed to ever send the letter. I didn't find that out until I wasted my time yesterday. My trust in my psychiatrist took a huge hit, I feel somewhat betrayed. It's just time for me to find a new doctor (as if it wasn't bad enough that she frequently has to change my appointment dates, she often comes to her office late/runs over with other patients, and she even sometimes leaves her cell on during sessions. I'm a bit surprised I put up with her BS this long, but not sending that letter was the last straw.)

     Once I found out that they decided they weren't going to approve me I was so distracted/upset that I couldn't even answer any of their questions (I could've answered them normally, but I was just drawing a blank. It seems to be a common stress reaction for my mind to go blank on me.)

      They also told me I don't fit the usual profile for a transsexual, they wouldn't tell me why I didn't fit into it though, but instead they told me I have depression (How can I not, given what I'm dealing with?). Why should I need to prove myself, my knowing this is what I want should be all that counts. If I wasn't serious I don't think being turned down would've had such a huge impact on me emotionally, I mean I'm used to disappointment in life, but this was on an entirely different level than I'm used to.

I'm a little bit scared that I may eventually try to kill myself again, because I know the potential exists in my mind. I'm hoping I can stay strong enough to avoid that fate.

I hate how psychologists/psychiatrists never seem to be able to do anything but ask questions.

Apparently they see not fitting the profile as being too confused (along with my inability to answer their questions yesterday, which just seem like a blur in my mind now) to go on HRT, so they basically told me to seek out/ talk with another therapist and come back to them In 5-6 months. If I can find another gender therapist, I really don't see any reason to ever go back to them again.

It does make me feel a little better though, that you said it took you 11 months to get approved, so there's still some hope for me yet. I've only been dealing with this officially for 4 months now, so what did I really think was going to happen so soon.

~Marciel

Just to let you know it took me 13 months to get approved

And I'm 19 so they really drilled the crap out of me.  So don't feel bad, everyone doubts you probably just like they did me.  My therapist even told me once that I wasn't old enough to make the decision. 

well, beginning estrogen therapy is a very important step in the transition process since it produces irreversible changes including sexual dysfunction 90% of the time.  therapists have to be absolutely sure that you meet the criteria of the soc & are ready to take the risks; thus, extensive therapy is needed before being approved for hrt.  my gf waited a period of twelve months before she was approved.  not too long compared to some of our friends (one of them had to wait for more than two years)  hormones are serious business; therapists know that and so should we.

I guess I just had some false expectations of how long getting approved would take. Now I just need to find a therapist and take things slower.

It's just frustrating knowing that the longer it takes me to get approved/start hormones the less effective hormones may become, even though I only just turned 26 this month.

I feel better now that I know my expectations were just too unrealistic.

~Marciel

Quote from: Marciel on September 23, 2007, 05:33:54 PM
It's just frustrating knowing that the longer it takes me to get approved/start hormones the less effective hormones may become, even though I only just turned 26 this month.

I still think that's mostly a myth (once past puberty anyway). But if not, the other rumour I've read is that after 26 or so, the effectiveness is the same. That is, while it might be better to start at 20 rather than 26, starting at 26 or 46 may not matter.

But still, you'll see SO many people here posting that they've had great results even when older.

~Kate~