I have to confess something: when I was living as a gay man, I became a raging sex addict to the point where I was befriending huge numbers of people I had no interest in or attraction to just hoping that they would have sex with me. I slept with a number of guys, quite often after getting drunk with them, hoping to find just one who would make me feel right, and I pressured my fiance into putting up with me and my high-risk activity.
I look back through my contacts on instant messenger and the numerous fetish/kink sites I was on, and I find that now that my libido is tamed down to a dull roar, I no longer have any interest in most of these people. It's really driving home to me just how shallow and desperate I was and the overwhelming emotion I feel toward sex now is one of shame, because of how many hearts I toyed with just trying to feel good about myself and my body by being easy.
Actually, I still have a libido, though it's a bit more manageable now; however, it's also more emotionally-based as I tune into my true feelings, and I find that now I often have a negative view of sex because of the way I used it as a tool to validate myself and force myself to become more sociable rather than something I really enjoyed. I never got sick but I got way too many STD scares and drama blow-ups from some of the crazy, immature, and narcissistic types I got involved with for any of what I did to really be worth it.
It all came to a head when a former friend with benefits became a roommate, and I began to see him as he really was and not just as a kinky friend any more. I came to see the shallow, hateful sorts of people I was attracting and it really disgusted me. Things blew up completely when my dysphoria hit full force and he refused to acknowledge that this was the real me.
I'm exclusive with my fiance now, but he's not exactly the friskiest and I find that even though we only have sex once every few months or so, I don't mind as much any more because I honestly have come to dislike sex. In fact, I've been thinking of giving it up completely of late.
Has anyone else had to come to terms with this? Have you ever felt that sex was ruined for you forever when you realized that you were just using people to feel better about yourself and you finally lost the need to do that? Have you seriously considered giving up sex altogether because it just reminded you of a time when you were shallow and irresponsible?
