Where do I go?

It started when I was very young, maybe 5 or 6  I would beg my older sisters to play dress up and dress me in dresses. They told I was a very pretty little boy and could easily pass for a girl. That is my first memory of something that was different. Something that now makes perfect sense but then was... then it was just weird.  Weird and normal all at the same time because it's all I knew.

I was very shy and I hated having my picture taken, still do. Now it's because I hate my masculine features, then because I was so shy. I cried a lot too. Way more than normal. I think back now and realize why. It makes me cry.

Memories have faded but around 11 or 12 I started shaving the body hair that had started growing. Things did not seem right until everything was smooth down there. I started tucking things away around then, I didn't know why, I just did it. It seemed normal.

I also enjoyed using female mannerisms. I'd swing my hips.  I'd avert my eyes. I'd twirl my hair. It was long then. No more.

I enjoyed wearing my sister's underwear and bras on occasion but it was not a drive and it was never sexual. I so wanted to be a girl. I remember lying awake at nights thinking about it and then daydreaming during school. I look at old pictures of myself and see a beautiful girl wearing boy's clothes with a boy's haircut.

I managed to keep my thoughts and shaving a secret for the most part till high school. I think my sister knew but never said anything until much later. High school and the rush of Testosterone came along around 15 or so. Testostorone and high school changed everything and I stopped shaving my body hair. The boys in the locker room just would not have understood if I displayed myself naked without any body hair. Naked in the locker room... that's a whole other set of mental trauma.

I think the testosterone allowed me to play the part of the boy, dating girls and doing all the things that boys do at that age. I was reckless and even picked dangerous sports but all non-contact during my late teen years. I was never once in a fight, it was not me.

The whole time I felt girly inside, that's the best way to explain it. Even though sports and weight lifting had transformed my slender feminine body into a mass of muscle. I was extremely competitive and very successful in athletics. I started the 9th grade at 5-10 110lbs and by the 12th grade was only 130lbs but was the strongest person in my class. Ripped and fit I was all male.

But one of my memories from that last year of high school was sitting in the weight room, alone, all alone, so utterly alone, with my legs crossed like a girl, a tear running down my cheek, flexing my bicep, wondering what I had done to myself.

I have many memories of wearing very short shorts. A lot of guys would also go shirtless. I liked the attention from the girls but I was never comfortable without a shirt on even though I had by all accounts an impressive body. In addition to feeling naked, my nipples are very large for a genetic male.

Outwardly I think I acted in a masculine way during these years. Inside, I felt my girlish strut, my hip wiggle. The way I touched my hair. The way I smiled. I saw a beautiful girl in my minds eye.

Fast forward a few years, I dated and then married my soul mate. I married the girl I wanted to be and the girl I wanted to sleep with, the girl I wanted to be best friends with. I had hit the jackpot. She had a body to die for and a girly girl personality that would not quit. It was my life's achievement and I was on top of the world. I did not know it at the time but she became the most amazing mother too.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda. But things were too perfect to change. Any thoughts I had about sharing my feelings were pushed down. Way down. I tried wearing some of her things and makeup after we were married. I felt like I was cheating on her. So I pushed it further down.

My life with my soul mate progressed. We would go to "chic-flicks" together. She would cry. I would reach over to comfort her, my hand on hers. Tears rolling down my cheeks, silently. She never knew.

We would fight. She would cry. I would clam up. The fight would be over and she would go to sleep. The emotion would burst out, the sound held in by a pillow. A release of all my female emotions I could not hold in. She thought I was the coldest person but I just could not tell her. Not then.

Only a couple of times during our marriage has she seen me have an emotional melt-down. A complete, all female, all out, crying emotional fit. One time soon after we were married. I could tell it scared her. I tried not to do it again.

My career was on a fast track in large part due to my competitive nature. Our life's rocked along for about ten years. Ups and downs like any marriage for a while then I grew more and more depressed. I did not know why. All thoughts from my younger years were re-pressed. Deep inside. My soul mate and my children came first.

I had to make a change. I left my safe, stable career in my early thirties to strike out on my own. I thought that is what I wanted, that that is what I was looking for. At first I was afraid, I hesitated. A wife, children, a huge mortgage. My amazing wife encouraged me. She said "It does not matter if we are poor, all that matters to me is that you're happy".

Twelve years now and multiple successful ventures later(software engineer) and I'm still looking. We have a good life. Not overtly rich but comfortable.  One adult child left at home and all of my children are some of my best and closet friends. I'm proud of what we have accomplished.

The feelings started again about a year ago. They must be deep seated. What do I want?

I weigh about 165 but I'd love to have my slender body back. I'd love to have my pre-pubescent face back. I'd love to have breasts. I'd love to wear sexy clothes. I'd love to be a total female.  I can't do this half way. If I start it's whole thing. It's the way I'm made. All or nothing.

And there is this most incredible women. A women that every one of you would be
so proud to call a friend. A women whose happiness means more to me than mine. The woman that has put me before herself so many times. Too many times. The woman I can barely stand to see hurt by others. She does not have a clue.

The women that loves me. I ask myself does she love me for who I am on the outside or who I am on the inside? I know the answer. I truly know the answer. She would be steadfast by my side as she has always been for nearly 20 years.

What about the kids and friends and people who know me?

So here I am confused. Afraid and alone. So utterly alone.

Am I what I think I am?

Inside I say yes.

Some of my traits say no.

Or am I still looking?

Or is this just a male mid-life crisis at 43?

I ask myself these things each night as the pillow forces my head down straining to keep the noise inside as I cry myself to sleep.

Where do I go from here?

maybe Amanda

Hello, Amanda,

IMHO it's not "maybe Amanda."  It *is* Amanda.  How can I say that and be so certain?  I just read my life in your words.

I knew that I wasn't truly a boy when I was five years old, and was positive that I should have been a girl when I turned 8.

Body shaving started at 12 and stopped only for high school PE class.  Sometimes I'd just be lazy and skip a shower because I wasn't ready to show-off my hairless me in the locker room.

Like you, I bought into the image that was projected on me.  Marriage, home, (no kids = divorce #1) cars, mortgages, career ladder jumping, everything almost exactly like you.

The true me remained inside of me, hidden under a false exterior, Canadian Club, Genesee beer, making rude noises with the other guys in my workgroup, listening to gutter-talk about how they viewed women, suppressing the urge to commit mayhem when I heard how they treated women in their lives.  My perception of how the world would view me kept me in my container through two more marriages.

When I turned 50 I knew that I had all of the fakery that I could handle and I decided to come out and start whatever I had to do to transition.  Keeping the true me inside was not the long-term solution so I talked with my psychiatrist (I had been in therapy for a long time) and she sent me to a specialist in gender identity disorder (GID).

I have not looked back since that day.

Nothing is ever as easy as it looks and transitioning is not easy but to me it is worth whatever it costs me.  I have lived my life for others for far too long and now it's time I lived for me.

I neither want to dissuade you nor do I want to give you only part of the picture, Amanda.  If you decide to follow your heart and, again IMHO, your soul, it will cause dislocations in your life.  Marriages, families, and friendships seldom survive transition intact.  The workplace can be like tip-toeing through the minefield, and socializing might get a bit uncomfy.

My only regret, and a weak one at that, is that I didn't do something sooner, but then, how did the medical community and everyone else treat transsexuals in, say, 1974?

Think things over and ponder and look within your heart until you feel sure enough to begin transition.  You already know it's not just external, it's mainly internal.  Whatever you do, **do not try to begin using hormones without a doctor's supervision as they can kill you.**  Changes to your body will be permanent.  The changes within me are profound, down to my very soul.  They are how I now see the world and deal with it.

Amanda, I have only one piece of advice:  Find who you really are then be the best her you can.

Wishing you well,

Wing Walker

no offence, but how can you live 45 years as a man, and then suddenly become a transexual? doesn't add up to me. I think you need to think alot harder about what path you need to take.

there is a currently unspoken problem within the male role in society, that it does not really allow men to express femininity without some kind of stigma attached to it. I suspect this is the problem you are having from what you have said, although only you really know.

its very easy to confuse a restricted male gender role with being a transexual. I suspect if you've managed to get to 45 and done nothing, its because you are not a transexual. We find it impossible to live in male roles, in any form. You have proved capable of doing that. Its a good thing, and i think you need to look at both sides of the coin. You have to explore every option of remaining male, and i don't think you've done that?

[removed quote about vibrator removed from post above]

this part really scares me.

i would suggest you get involved with the ->-bleeped-<- community and explore that side of being male before you do anything else. That way you will be able to seperate what is a sexual fantasy, and what is a gender identity.

Being 45 isn't a bar to transitioning. Lots of us transition late, having managed to suppress the feelings of being the other gender. I suppressed it quite successfully until I was 43. And from Amanda's story, this isn't coming out of the blue at age 45.

But I do agree that you should explore the feelings before doing anything precipitous, with a therapist trained in the area preferably.

Dennis

Amanda, it's not my place to tell you what i think you are. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU MUST DO , IS TO SEE A GENDER THERAPIST. After reading your post, i think you know in your heart what you must do to be happy and be you.

Thank you wing walker, it sounds like your situation was very much like mine, I guess I'm not alone. And I will ultimately follow my heart.

Furity: it has  only been about 23 years for me as a man and I think it was more to please others than myself? I really really think have been suppressing these feelings.  I don't understand why you would be scared by the vibrator talk? Please tell me more??? I've never had any sexual desire from cross dressing... it just feels right. I also never really cross dressed after puberty. So I really don't think there is ANY TV in me. But please do tell me more and thanks for your comments. I am searching and every point of view helps!

Thanks Dennis and I do plan to see a therapist but I want to do a little more on my own.

And Diane, I do think I know, maybe not fully able or ready to admit that to myself and thats why I'm here. I feel a real
warmth and caring attitude here and could really use the input.

Thanks all for listening!!!

maybe Amanda

 Amanda! I know where you're comming from. I too have kept my true self suppressed for a long time,
Because of family, friends,the way I was raised and my desire to date women (that might not understand me). I am also in my late 40s.
Back in the 70s while growing up as a teen the resources weren't as available as they are now. Some of us knew that we were different but we just didn't know what it was. The way I was raised, crossing gender boundrys was sort of taboo.
Years ago I've tried the crossdressing ( in private though), It was satisfying but I felt like I needed more, crossdressing just wasn't enough. I didn't feel right with out the real look and parts to go with it. I've been on this rollercoaster for years, denying it and accepting it. It took all these years to finally accept it, because if I weren't transgendered these thoughts of being female wouldn't have kept comming back. They would have left me and let me go on with my
life.
So you see Amanda , many of us are or have been the same as you.
Where to go? You came here to Susans and that's a pretty good start.


Oh! by the way Fruity, there are many reasons for people not giving in to their true self until later in life. Some people are in their 50s and 60s when they start. In many cases, certain situations just wouldn't allow them to transition. That doesn't mean that they became transexual at 50 or 60. It means that they could been dealing with it most of their lives but just couldn't do anything about it at the time.

You raise a really really important point Karla.

I think the current 20 something's have it so much better than we did in the 80's when we were making decisions. There was not an Internet and the amount of information was very limited. I know this sounds like a cliche but had I had the resources that are available now things might have been so different.

Just knowing there are so many others with the same issues and problems... that's so amazing!

Anyone else think they might have dealt with things differently?

And yes I aggree... my thoughts of being female would have gone away also... I think my drive or maybe bravery is not
as strong as some of you. I really admire that you girls have been able to make that change.

QuoteOh! by the way Fruity, there are many reasons for people not giving in to their true self until later in life. Some people are in their 50s and 60s when they start. In many cases, certain situations just wouldn't allow them to transition. That doesn't mean that they became transexual at 50 or 60. It means that they could been dealing with it most of their lives but just couldn't do anything about it at the time.

unless you've been locked away in some dungeon somewhere in an iron mask or something, you can do something about it. If you didn't, its because you were choosing to do nothing. I don't think most of us ever felt like we had a choice to wait till we were middle aged. Its obviously not that important to you?

i dont know, i wish you luck, but i have my doubts about so called late transitioners.

QuoteFurity: it has  only been about 23 years for me as a man and I think it was more to please others than myself? I really really think have been suppressing these

amanda? how old are you 43 or 23?

pleasing others is very nice, and it shows your a caring person. Perhaps you have developed a sense of self-hatred because you care so much, and you feel you have been taken advantage of. You've perhaps got this mixed up somewhere and centred all your self hatred on being a male, and are desperately trying to escape that man?

thats why i say, you have to explore other aspects of being a man. Men aren't all caring, nice people. Some of them are total bastards. Maybe you should learn from them.

Quote from: Karla B on September 22, 2007, 04:43:05 PM
Back in the 70s while growing up as a teen the resources weren't as available as they are now. Some of us knew that we were different but we just didn't know what it was. The way I was raised, crossing gender boundrys was sort of taboo.

I'm not sure about things being taboo in the 1970's, but I do think the era in which we grew up as teenagers in the 1970's is different to todays era. Today we have the internet and more available contacts. On the other hand I didn't conform and was presenting myself as female from 13 years onwards. No one thought I was otherwise and you could actually push the bounderies far more back then as the fashion was very angrogenous. In the 70's I used to wear girls tops, jeans and shoes and had very long blonde hair which I could almost sit on.....I'd turn up to school like this.....I don't think it would be so easy today..

The late 1970's was the first time I learned about gender changes. We were actually taught about it in a biology lesson. I thought that's it but I was scared to talk to the biology teacher about my feelings. It wasn't until I was 24 that I actually went and told a doctor about how I felt and they made the diagnosis of gender dysphoria..

I still didn't know what to do about it or who to see and the contacts were hard to find. I tried contacting private consultants who seemed way to expensive.  I started stealing contraceptive pills in my mid 20's from girlfriends and not at any time did I feel male or want to be male. I was always in a panic about the timescale of things. It still took me up until the 1990's until I finally started to see someone. I thought it would be a case of 18 months for a transition and if I reached 40 it was too late...

Nothing went the way I wanted it to and I was put through the U.K NHS system which was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Months turned into years and I got to my 40th birthday and I still hadn't recieved any treatment. The clinic I was attending had no treatment program or timescale but I was running out of time..

Sometimes you can end up at 40 or over 40 and still not achieve your goals. I had my goal at 13 and couldn't believe how long it's taken. I can sympathise with fruity (Danielle) who cannot understand people starting out at 40 and having no prior experience of gender dysphoria or trying to get treatment before 40 and I can understand her analogy of that situation. A lot of people managed to supress their feelings for all those years (I don't know how they did it). I personally could never supress who I was and stayed true to myself from the start when I first turned 13...

Quote from: fruity on September 23, 2007, 04:10:06 AM

QuoteOh! by the way Fruity, there are many reasons for people not giving in to their true self until later in life. Some people are in their 50s and 60s when they start. In many cases, certain situations just wouldn't allow them to transition. That doesn't mean that they became transexual at 50 or 60. It means that they could been dealing with it most of their lives but just couldn't do anything about it at the time.

unless you've been locked away in some dungeon somewhere in an iron mask or something, you can do something about it. If you didn't, its because you were choosing to do nothing. I don't think most of us ever felt like we had a choice to wait till we were middle aged. Its obviously not that important to you?

i dont know, i wish you luck, but i have my doubts about so called late transitioners.

I am sorry fruity I have to disagree with you I am still fairly young 32 years old but I just started activly transitioning in the last two years and every day it is scary for me and I haven't even went full time yet. I cannot imagine what it would have been like 30 or 40 years ago to go through this as much hate and discrimation as there is now it would have been infinately worse then. if I had to face being TS in those times I don't know if I would have had the courage to continue living much less the courage to come out about anything. I think it is extremly rude to try to asses how important it is to someone else to transition we have no idea what others have been through or how they feel. life cannot be viewed through such a narrow scope as to think that everyone has had the same exact situation as ourselves. you are entitled to your own opinions but I am sure that some of the things that were said here were very hurtful to the people who had no choice but to wait as I am sure all the time some have had to wait seemed like several eternities for them and it was completely heartbreaking to have to pose as thier oppisite genders that entire time.

I had the operation in 1967 it was so new no one had even heard about it let alone wonder about it.  It would be harder today as everyone has heard about it now.  I  dont think you become transexual as an option,,,you either are or your not.  It is not an elective in my book.  I gave up all to become who I am, and would do it again in a heartbeat.  If surgury is for you than you go get it, if you feel its somthing you think you MIGHT want than dont have it as its not for  you.  It should be so clear in your mind that their is no other course for you to take, after all if you change your mind later,,it wont grow back (personally if mine grew back I would run for the meat cleaver)  That would be the stuff of nightmares.   If you are undecided than it its not for you, as ALL aspects of your life changes, not just your body.

Good Luck to you. I hope you find some solutions and peace, Amanda

well, Maybe Amanda, you don't sound all that sure about what you want.

the problem with going directly to a gender therapist is that you may get fast-tracked into transsexualism. which can be good or bad, depending on the person. if my therapist had tried to slow me down or dissuade me in any way, i would have just gotten a new therapist. i am stunned when i hear that some people have have been in therapy a year a more before getting their letters. but it's not one size fits all. some people actually do change their minds, and find that they are not trans or, as recently happened with __________, they decide that their families are more important.

i would suggest seeing a regular therapist first, because being trans will very likely put an awfully big strain on your relationship with your wife and your children. in regards to loved ones, you stand to lose a lot, and at the moment, you don't seem to realize just how much you could lose.

I can see both sides of the coin.....I understand Danielle's (fruity) point of view (especially when I visited gender clinics and the type of people who go to them)  and I also understand everyone else's point as well.....

Fruity, no offense, but as much as you state one of the problems with people is they impose these "doubts" on transsexuals quite a bit.  It comes off as extremely transphobic for people who know exactly what you are putting forth.  One comes to a decision to transition out of their own personal history, which is often quite long and quite confusing.  This has nothing to do with the restrictions of femininity in men.  Trust me, I was probably one of the most androgynous people on the planet, I still had to transition to female (at age 28 is when I started).  While I could not suppress things as well as some people, I was basically closeted since age 11, and I could go on about personal history of being extremely androgynous in dress and appearance between 13-22 (and between 22-27 well that is more complex, as I made incremental steps towards possibly transitioning only for circumstances to get in the way).  I did not find out about transition until I was 18, and honestly I did not find it in reach until this year, and it took quite literally 10 years of planning to even get to this point and honestly its only because I have the financial resources to transition.

What you are putting forth is ideas that have been used against transsexuals, from people that often do not have a clue of why this is so important, especially something that is put on transwomen. 

No offense Fruity, society was very different even ten years ago, nonetheless twenty.  The information was imperfect but society was much less friendly save for a few isolated places. Personal circumstances often get in the way.  I could go on and on and on.  But the very fact you put these ideas forth is kind of bothersome. 

By what definition is it exactly a late transitioning late?  Somebody over 25? 30? 40?

Fruity, I'm glad your life was all planned out and chiseled in stone for you. There are many and more than you think, that weren't and aren't that fortunate. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, being transexual was confusing, you didn't know where to go for help, most didn't even know what it was or that they were and you didn't even know other transexuals that you could get info. from.
It sure wasn't like today where you could get on a forum and communicate with other TSs and in just a matter of minutes or seconds. The experience from professionals(Docs & Therapists) just wasn't there like today and a few years ago. They're still learning today about this.


Berliegh, When I mentioned that crossing the gender boundries was taboo, I was speaking about living at home with mom and dad. Not speaking of the seventies in general. Yes,here in North America, back then people weren't as open minded, but they were beginning to be. That also depended on where you lived at the time.( large city) Even today In 2007, I live just outside of a fairly large city, the area is a rural area with a strong religous community as in most rural areas. When you listen to these peoples attitudes and their lectures about what's natural and what isn't , it absolutely boggles my mind that people, in 2007 , still think like that and here in Canada we consider ourselves to be more tolerant and open minded than our friends south of us. We even allowed Gay marriage, when down south they were trying to ban it.
So if you didn't want to be treated like the hunch back of Notre Dame ( you ever see that movie?) You fought your true self and learned to suppress it. The way they treated that poor fellow still happens today in many parts of north America.
Therefore I would have thought that another TS like Fruity would be more compassionate and understanding to others that might of had a harder time to deal with their true self than what she did, but I find in our little community that there are people that have almost the same attitudes as some of the people I mentioned above.

;)Gee, I can almost see a block being put on this thread.

Quote from: Karla B on September 24, 2007, 01:59:24 AM
Berliegh, When I mentioned that crossing the gender boundries was taboo, I was speaking about living at home with mom and dad. Not speaking of the seventies in general.

I was living with mum and dad and as it was the mid to late 70's, I was about 13 or 14 and too young to leave home. I had long hair right down my back and wore girls jeans and T shirts at home with mum and dad no problem..

Quote from: Karla B on September 24, 2007, 01:59:24 AM
Yes,here in North America, back then people weren't as open minded, but they were beginning to be. That also depended on where you lived at the time.( large city) Even today In 2007, I live just outside of a fairly large city, the area is a rural area with a strong religous community as in most rural areas. When you listen to these peoples attitudes and their lectures about what's natural and what isn't , it absolutely boggles my mind that people, in 2007 , still think like that and here in Canada we consider ourselves to be more tolerant and open minded than our friends south of us. We even allowed Gay marriage, when down south they were trying to ban it.
So if you didn't want to be treated like the hunch back of Notre Dame ( you ever see that movie?) You fought your true self and learned to suppress it. The way they treated that poor fellow still happens today in many parts of north America.
Therefore I would have thought that another TS like Fruity would be more compassionate and understanding to others that might of had a harder time to deal with their true self than what she did, but I find in our little community that there are people that have almost the same attitudes as some of the people I mentioned above.

;)Gee, I can almost see a block being put on this thread.

I think maybe people were supressed in America far more than they were in the U.K which is why they may sometimes ive in denial longer....the U.K is more liberal in that respect...

Yeah Berliegh, although European, My parents weren't as open as yours, I think you're a very lucky girl that they were so understanding. Anything that had to do with gender bending, You were considered to be Homosexual or out of your freaking Mind. they figured, you were born as a male and raised as one that's the way you should be. There are no alternatives.
It's true, that in europe many of the countrys are and were more libreal than us here, like the UK,Sweden,Denmark,Holland and Germany. I would consider Canada, the Europe of north america but we still have a ways to go yet.

QuoteI had the operation in 1967 it was so new no one had even heard about it let alone wonder about it.

you have my complete respect lorelei, and you are complete proof that if you are truely transexual, you will find a way, not because you want to, but because you HAVE to

QuoteI  dont think you become transexual as an option,,,you either are or your not.  It is not an elective in my book.

exacto

QuoteIf surgury is for you than you go get it, if you feel its somthing you think you MIGHT want than dont have it as its not for  you.  It should be so clear in your mind that their is no other course for you to take, after all if you change your mind later,,it wont grow back (personally if mine grew back I would run for the meat cleaver)

spot on again.



Posted on: 24 September 2007, 18:17:11

---

QuoteFruity, I'm glad your life was all planned out and chiseled in stone for you. There are many and more than you think, that weren't and aren't that fortunate.

you see i dont see it like that. i think older transitioners are the fortunate ones, they have obviously been able to live some kind of productive lives as men, and now they want to change over. Its a lifestyle choice.

I think some people like the idea of being transexual and live the lifestyle, but never suffer the reality. Its a bit like being heterosexual and saying your gay to get all the benefits and attention that come with it, but never have to be hurt, or feel rejection when things go wrong. They go to gender clinics, with their beard not even shaved properly let alone removed by laser, wear their wives clothes, and they dont even reallycare that people think they are men. It doesn't hurt them. They like the thrill, the lifestyle. They don't feel the rejection that i feel.

Maybe im wrong, but im just explaining what i feel about this.

my life isnt chiseled in stone karla, Im sure if you think a bit more, you will know that the life of a m2f could never be 'chiseled in stone'.