I'd like to start by saying right now I have been riding an incredible high so it's extremely hard to think about all this seriously until things settle more but of course the thoughts can't be helped. I have only just begun therapy and started coming out to people. My main fear the entire time more focusing on my wife just instantly dismissing me and wanting me to never see her or our two young children again (I'm only 27 if thats relevant for anyone) just for the simple thought of all this. Now after that not happening and just doing nothing but talk and try to work it all out day after day hardly even sleeping she finally has not only accepted it and believes that my mind is actually a woman's but she loves it. Like it just finally fully explained what had always kept me going in to funks of depression and why her husband is so complex and how she's finally beginning to understand him as her. All of this alone has made me feel even more in love with her that I ever have before. We are so connected now both mentally and physically, are sex life has already greatly changed for both of us. But now when we both start thinking about the future we have no idea where we stand. She loves and accepts it in my mind but says she knows she could never handle any kind of physical change and would want nothing to do with me anymore. I of course still very much wish to become the woman on the outside as I have finally accepted on the inside. So much has already changed though considering I was so focused on just losing her from the start that I didn't fully think much past that until now. Could I put my urge to transition aside and accept my body as it is for my wife and kids already being so accepted and things already changing and making me so much happier. Or am I just still to high on all this to really now regardless. Of course I have to think about it and it kills my wife that I can't give her a firm answer. I know this is all my descision but was hoping to just get the opinion of others who went through something similar and what they did and how they feel about their descision. Right now I honestly feel like I could come to accept my body as it currently is not being entirely masculine already and my wife agreeing to be fine with me shaving my body hair at least. Now the future is what scares me. I could probably accept it now but what about as I age and just continue to get more and more masculine. When I lose my hair which has already started and just continue to get fatter and hairer. I would also still sometimes feel the need to upkeep a masculine persona in some circumstances I feel like. These thoughts make me sick to my stomach but if I do decide there's no other way but to transition I lose my wife whom I've never loved more and have never felt so loved by. I really don't know what to do I know it will take time and continued therapy but I would love to hear from others with similar experiences.

I am not going to tell you what you should do.

That is yours to make.

Me i lost a marriage of 24 years (26)time of finale.

I was not the one that gave up on it.

Transitioned, happy and remarried.

Hello Eyie

You and your wife are both being very brave in how you are dealing with your dysphoria together.

My first comment would be to advocate time and patience.  You have just started this journey, and with a therapist, which is a good thing, but I think you will find that a little time and stability will help you both take the right decisions.

You talk about getting older and losing your hair and getting more masculine.  This is not a foregone conclusion, and there are plenty of ways to reach an equilibrium, perhaps with some hormonal help, but without necessarily going down the route of SRS.   One transwoman I know in Madrid remains married to her wife, presents as a woman, but has no intention to have SRS, because her wife wants her to retain her male parts.  Only you and your wife will be able to know whether you could partially transition and whether this would be mutually acceptable.

It's easy to make sweeping statements about embarking on great journeys of self discovery and growth, but try to take it slowly and help your wife evolve together with you.  But at the same time also try to not make this the focal issue in your relationship.  You are luckier than some of us whose wives would never have stuck around, so I wish you good luck as you explore, hopefully together.

Hugs
Julia

Julia you have no idea how much I just appreciated that response as well as the fastness lol. Besides my wife not being able stand me not giving her an answer yet she also feels like me continuing therapy as just a means to me transitioning and will force my descision when I can not reassure her more how much this is not the case. I hope she will hopefully soon actually come to one of my sessions.

Much if not all of what you have brought up it terms of partial transformation has been discussed from all over the board. She is afraid of any type of hormones feeling they will change who I am as a person which is one of our major debates right now. We have also even talked about me keeping my male parts which I also told her I would be fully willing to compromise with her on. Alas after much discussion it truly seems that she is set on her way with accepting no type of drastic physical change of any kind and I really don't believe this will ever change at this point.

Blehhhh why do I have to love her so muchhhh!

Hi Eyie

Love is important - cherish it!

Here's the good and bad news:  hormones are really not a magic bullet, and you can control the dosage.  Change provided by hormones at your age would probably be quite subtle and reasonably slow - you're really not going to turn into Beyoncé in six months     Or even in 6 years 

Mentally you would see some changes, and those would probably be quite subtle and I don't think your wife would find them disagreeable: having more empathy, sensitivity etc. are things that most women wish their men would have    But I think it's unlikely that you're going to undergo a personality change - you are pretty much going to be the same person, just with some additional characteristics exposed.

Hugs
J

Quote from: Eyie on August 21, 2014, 05:34:02 PMShe is afraid of any type of hormones feeling they will change who I am as a person which is one of our major debates right now. We have also even talked about me keeping my male parts which I also told her I would be fully willing to compromise with her on. Alas after much discussion it truly seems that she is set on her way with accepting no type of drastic physical change of any kind and I really don't believe this will ever change at this point.

Hi Eyie,

Initially my wife insisted on no change at all.  No surgery, no medication, nothing more than therapy. 

Within a couple of months, she was the one trying to persuade me to at least try HRT.  She saw it as a medication that might help me.

Looking at the hormone treatment as just another medication required a mental shift for my wife.  I had tried many different medications for depression over several years with indifferent success.  It is not easy living with someone suffering from untreated or poorly treated depression.  She began to think that HRT might be the medication that could make me a bit easier to live with.  She was right. 

She is still adamant that surgery would be a marriage-ender.  I suspect that that is actually the case, that it is not just a line in the sand.  Fortunately for our marriage, I am not looking to seek any surgeries for anything.  Ever. 

After I finally did start HRT, there were several changes in who I am as a person, all of which my wife is very happy with:

[1]    I became much less argumentative.  I began to agree with my wife on many issues that we had been fighting over for years.

[2]    My obsession with & compulsion to appear more female vanished 2 days after I started Estradiol.  My wife was very happy with that.

[3]    When I added Prometrium to my HRT, the depression I had had for 30+ years cleared completely 5 days later, & has stayed gone.  This has transformed both of our lives very much for the better. 

[4]    I became much more content & self-assured, which has made my work more productive & more lucrative.  The missus really likes this change   

There have been some physical changes, which my wife is less than happy about.  Bear in mind that I do take a full dose of all but one of my HRT meds (Still on half the normal starting dose of Spiro because my blood pressure is too low to allow more).  Low dose HRT is likely to produce a much slower rate of change.

Physical changes:

[1]    Loss of ability to have an erection for several months.  That has returned, but the complete absence of fluid does necessitate some logistical changes.  My wife has not cared too much about this because her libido disappeared completely after she became post-menopausal in 2007 (ie: no periods since then).

[2]    Boobs.  One of my wife's initial sticking points was that she would not be able to put up with me having boobs.  They are now C-cups, & she does not complain about them (much).  She still does not like them, but is accepting them as the price of the emotional & mental changes that she does like so much.

[3]    Body hair.  The hair on my torso became very fine & took on a female pattern (ie: V-shape pubic hair).  I don't think the missus really notices this one.

[4]    Skin.  My skin is lighter in colour & much softer to the touch.  My wife rarely notices, but does not like this change when she does notice it.  I love this change.  It calms my dysphoria more than any other physical change.

[5]    Odour.  My underarms now require very little deodorant.  I sweat less, & my sweat does not smell nearly as powerful as before.  The missus only noticed this once, when she saw a rash under my arms after I applied what used to be my normal amount of deodorant.

[6]    Body shape.  There has been some fat redistribution, which has given me a slightly feminine body shape.  Emphasis on 'slightly'.  I see it, but my wife does not.  This is probably a good thing.

[7]    Hairline.  My hair has stopped receding & my hairline has moved forward about half an inch (about an inch at my temples).  My hair has also become finer and tends to sit a bit better than before.  My wife is OK with these changes, & would have been OK otherwise too.  I, on the other hand, desperately needed my hairline to not recede.  Thinking that my hair might be thinning was what finally drove me to obey my wife & try HRT.

[8]    Face.  I have not noticed much change in my facial appearance, but my wife & brother both have.  My wife has said a few times that she misses the dimple that used to be on my chin.  My brother has said that my face looks to be a slightly different shape and that my lips look thinner (the missus agreed).

Out of all the changes I have listed, the one that matters most to both my wife & I is that my depression is gone.  This has improved both of our lives dramatically.  Second for both of us would be the reduction in my often confrontational & argumentative attitude to just about everything.  These two overshadow all of the physical changes combined. 

My wife's acceptance of my physical changes is probably helped by me presenting as male just about all of the time, even at home.  I dress for comfort.  This usually means clothing in which I am comfortable to walk the dog or walk to the shops. 

I admitted being trans in Jan 2013.  I started HRT in Jun 2013.  My marriage is not just still intact, it is stronger now than it was before 2013.  We are working through all the issues surrounding me being trans at a pace that both of us can accept & deal with.  My wife has reached out to some other spouses of trans women; she sees a therapist & a psychiatrist regularly; she has friends she can talk to (as do I).  All of this helps her to see hope that our marriage can survive.  She has also commented several times that even if we do split up, she would still want to stay involved with trans folk in some way because we are the nicest group of people she has yet encountered.  (She works as a cop, so she often gets to see people at their worst.)

Your situation will obviously be different.  I hope you can find something helpful in what I have shared.

Be well,

Tessa

Tessa you have no idea what your words just meant to me and how much I thank you for sharing them. That was almost exactly what I needed to hear it all regards and almost perfectly describes my own life right now just at an earlier stage. I really am not ruling anything out at this point in any sense at all. I think I have finally come to the point of knowing that I will never be able to know and be comfortable with either descision without at least trying hormones. I know it doesn't seem they will but if I at all ever felt they were changing who i was as a person I would never want anything to do with. On the flip side if all that occurred was I became more happy open and we'll adjusted comfortable person then how could I possibly not pursue that. It would be the only way to know if I truly could stay the way I am without a doubt and always be able to be the best spouse and parent I can be. This is obviously the only thing that I think about it what will be best for my wife and family and how much I need them to be happy no matter what the future holds. I think I know now that I at least have to do this. I have to at least try hormones or I will never know. Its my only chance of being happy and the best chance for my family no matter what My future choices entail. Thank you both so much again you have no idea.