Quote from: Eyie on August 21, 2014, 05:34:02 PMShe is afraid of any type of hormones feeling they will change who I am as a person which is one of our major debates right now. We have also even talked about me keeping my male parts which I also told her I would be fully willing to compromise with her on. Alas after much discussion it truly seems that she is set on her way with accepting no type of drastic physical change of any kind and I really don't believe this will ever change at this point.
Hi Eyie,
Initially my wife insisted on no change at all. No surgery, no medication, nothing more than therapy.
Within a couple of months, she was the one trying to persuade me to at least try HRT. She saw it as a medication that might help me.
Looking at the hormone treatment as just another medication required a mental shift for my wife. I had tried many different medications for depression over several years with indifferent success. It is not easy living with someone suffering from untreated or poorly treated depression. She began to think that HRT might be the medication that could make me a bit easier to live with. She was right.
She is still adamant that surgery would be a marriage-ender. I suspect that that is actually the case, that it is not just a line in the sand. Fortunately for our marriage, I am not looking to seek any surgeries for anything. Ever.
After I finally did start HRT, there were several changes in who I am as a person, all of which my wife is very happy with:
[1] I became much less argumentative. I began to agree with my wife on many issues that we had been fighting over for years.
[2] My obsession with & compulsion to appear more female vanished 2 days after I started Estradiol. My wife was very happy with that.
[3] When I added Prometrium to my HRT, the depression I had had for 30+ years cleared completely 5 days later, & has stayed gone. This has transformed both of our lives very much for the better.
[4] I became much more content & self-assured, which has made my work more productive & more lucrative. The missus really likes this change
There have been some physical changes, which my wife is less than happy about. Bear in mind that I do take a full dose of all but one of my HRT meds (Still on half the normal starting dose of Spiro because my blood pressure is too low to allow more). Low dose HRT is likely to produce a much slower rate of change.
Physical changes:
[1] Loss of ability to have an erection for several months. That has returned, but the complete absence of fluid does necessitate some logistical changes. My wife has not cared too much about this because her libido disappeared completely after she became post-menopausal in 2007 (ie: no periods since then).
[2] Boobs. One of my wife's initial sticking points was that she would not be able to put up with me having boobs. They are now C-cups, & she does not complain about them (much). She still does not like them, but is accepting them as the price of the emotional & mental changes that she does like so much.
[3] Body hair. The hair on my torso became very fine & took on a female pattern (ie: V-shape pubic hair). I don't think the missus really notices this one.
[4] Skin. My skin is lighter in colour & much softer to the touch. My wife rarely notices, but does not like this change when she does notice it. I love this change. It calms my dysphoria more than any other physical change.
[5] Odour. My underarms now require very little deodorant. I sweat less, & my sweat does not smell nearly as powerful as before. The missus only noticed this once, when she saw a rash under my arms after I applied what used to be my normal amount of deodorant.
[6] Body shape. There has been some fat redistribution, which has given me a slightly feminine body shape. Emphasis on 'slightly'. I see it, but my wife does not. This is probably a good thing.
[7] Hairline. My hair has stopped receding & my hairline has moved forward about half an inch (about an inch at my temples). My hair has also become finer and tends to sit a bit better than before. My wife is OK with these changes, & would have been OK otherwise too. I, on the other hand, desperately needed my hairline to not recede. Thinking that my hair might be thinning was what finally drove me to obey my wife & try HRT.
[8] Face. I have not noticed much change in my facial appearance, but my wife & brother both have. My wife has said a few times that she misses the dimple that used to be on my chin. My brother has said that my face looks to be a slightly different shape and that my lips look thinner (the missus agreed).
Out of all the changes I have listed, the one that matters most to both my wife & I is that my depression is gone. This has improved both of our lives dramatically. Second for both of us would be the reduction in my often confrontational & argumentative attitude to just about everything. These two overshadow all of the physical changes combined.
My wife's acceptance of my physical changes is probably helped by me presenting as male just about all of the time, even at home. I dress for comfort. This usually means clothing in which I am comfortable to walk the dog or walk to the shops.
I admitted being trans in Jan 2013. I started HRT in Jun 2013. My marriage is not just still intact, it is stronger now than it was before 2013. We are working through all the issues surrounding me being trans at a pace that both of us can accept & deal with. My wife has reached out to some other spouses of trans women; she sees a therapist & a psychiatrist regularly; she has friends she can talk to (as do I). All of this helps her to see hope that our marriage can survive. She has also commented several times that even if we do split up, she would still want to stay involved with trans folk in some way because we are the nicest group of people she has yet encountered. (She works as a cop, so she often gets to see people at their worst.)
Your situation will obviously be different. I hope you can find something helpful in what I have shared.
Be well,
Tessa
