Hello, I expect I'll be hanging around here for the next few years. I just admitted to myself that I'm MtF transsexual about a month ago. Growing up I've always longed to be a girl but I had misconceptions about transitioning and convinced myself it would never work for me. I also had doubts that I was actually transsexual, I thought I just had a weird sexual fetish. Well I started becoming more introspective recently and realized it was more than just a sexual thing and there was a real longing here. Plus I stumbled upon some transitioning websites and videos on youtube and realized that transitioning is actually something that could be possible. Since then I've been immersing myself in information about transitioning including lurking on these boards. Things have been getting stressful lately though and I need someone to talk to so I guess it's time to become active here.
I'm not too worried about my job, my company has a non-discrimination policy regarding gender identity. Home life is starting to really get to me. I'm 30 years old, married for almost 4 years, and have a 14 month old son. Before we got married I told my wife about my "sexual fetish" around being a girl. I told her that it was just a sexual thing and I was never going to actually get a sex change. At the time that was the truth because I was in denial. She was ok with me having those desires but she made sure to be clear that she had no sexual interest in girls.
Once I started questioning a little over a month ago I talked to my wife about it because we try and keep communication open. She was shocked but has done her best to be understanding. She told me that I had to make the decision of whether I want to transition for myself, that I couldn't base my decision on what she wanted. She also reassured me that no matter what I'd still be able to be involved in my son's life as much as I wanted, she wouldn't try to keep him away from me. Well I did a bunch of soul searching and realized I am transsexual, this is something I really want. So my options now are transition or don't. If I transition my wife doesn't want to stay married because she is not comfortable being married to a woman. She's done a bunch of soul searching too and has tearfully admitted that she needs a man as her spouse. If I don't transition then I'll have to try and actively suppress these feelings which will make me miserable and then my wife will be miserable because she knows I'm miserable and why. Our marriage will die slowly and painfully. So basically our marriage is doomed no matter what, there are no good options.
If that isn't depressing enough there is almost no intimacy left in the relationship. My wife has told me that based on my discovered feelings and desires she considers me a woman now and she doesn't want to be intimate with a woman. This seems a little weird to me because I don't self-identify as female yet. Being female is something I deeply desire but identifying that way with my male body incongruous. It's something I want but I feel like I need to earn it and it's going to take time and a lot of effort to get there. I can't change my wife's feelings though so at this point I don't think we'll ever have sex again. She can't bring herself to kiss anymore and hugging is reluctant. I don't know if this will improve over time but for now it's hitting me really hard.
I have a close friend to talk to and he's good as a listener and sounding board but there's only so much he can do. I've got a therapist I see once a week which helps some but she's more focused on the gender stuff, not personal relationship stuff. I've found a couple support groups that aren't too far away but I'm not much of a support-group type of person. I'm very introverted so large groups of people stress me out. So here I am on these forums. Everything I've read here has seemed very friendly so I'm hoping to draw some comfort and reassurance. Thanks for reading.
-Jaime
