I am at that crossroads that all transgender people must face. To HRT or not to. I've signed the consent forms, I got my prescription, I have a gender therapist but here I sit with the pills inches away and I still don't know if it's the right choice. I'm married to a beautiful and wonderful woman who loves and accepts me for who I am, we have a three year old daughter who I often dress in front of, I'm out to everyone except my parents. This should be an easy decision but it's absolutely not.

I was on Prozac and Paxil for years as a teen to fight GD related depression (only I knew the root cause,) and I overdosed in college in an attempt to end my misery. I've spent my life binging and purging the girl in me over and over again. 3 years I went, mostly happily without putting on so much as a lipstick and yet... I'd always find the way back to my true nature eventually. But things are different now. Since coming out in April, people in my life accept me for who I am, encourage me to express my gender however I want, and have given me permission to be myself without reservation. Isn't that enough? I dress up on documentary shoots, go to parties, dinners, whatever and use the women's restroom without incident. I don't pass but, no one seems to much care. Why should I??

I have more women's clothing than men's at this point and my hair is growing out in a feminine style and this is all still permitted. But there are those pills making promises I'm not sure they can keep. Begging me to become dependent on them. I don't like messing with my body or my mind through drugs, prescription or otherwise. To commit to taking two pills twice a day for what could conceivably be the rest of my life seems like too much. Also I hate surgery. I've only ever had my wisdom teeth out and I was terrified. But if I made a commitment to being a woman on the outside I would need to shave my trachea at the very least. Yet, I can't help feeling that maybe I need to take those little miracle pills in spite of my fears.

I like parts of me as a man: My voice, especially. I can't imagine how exhausting it must be to suppress that. Will I ever be in control or as expressive? And although I shove my man parts away and hide them while dressed, I don't hate them. I could live without them, but I like what they do for my wife. I'm afraid that without them, we'd lose that intimate connection we have now. But I'm also a girl in bed and i always have been -no matter how I was dressed. So would it really change anything except the packaging?

I can save everyone so much grief if I just make do with the freedoms I've been granted which is more than a lot of transgender people get. Yet here are those little pills, whispering their pillow talk into my ear again.

I have no idea what to do. I am not used to being this outwardly distressed.

Boo,

Yes it is a huge step you will take in your life.

Transition is so hard to deal with at times and is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.

To start hrt or not is your question that you need to ask and answer yourself.

You know the side effects, that is why we use cross hormonal medication.

Can you and your wife live with the effects?

So maybe put them back in the bottle and take a walk to a park with your spouse and talk about your feelings and listen to hers.

Then that bottle can always be opened once you know it is truly your path to walk

i wish you the best.

Hugs

I can see why this would be a big decision for you. I don't like medication either and also by taking them you may be taking a step that there is no going back from. I would say take some time and think it over. Only you can decide if this is right for you or not. I will say that if you are out to everyone taking hormones probably wouldn't shock them. You are right about the mental changes too though. You may stop liking certain things you used to love to do or start liking things that you never had any interest in before. Which ever you choose, take the pills or not you will always be you. There is no right or wrong answer on this.

You may find that the feeling you get from taking them is worth the hassle of taking them. Drugs used for the right purpose can do amazing things. If you take them for a couple weeks and find that you do not feel some ease of your GD feelings, you can always stop with little to no physical changes.

I started HRT almost 7 years ago and detransitioned twice when I stopped HRT. However, I could not excape my past and my inner demons were overwhelming. For me, it was one of, if not the most important parts of transitioning and I could not imagine life without it. Taking those pills is something that is routine for me now, but still a crucial part of my day. Hopefully your decision will work out for you. 

I appreciate the show of support everyone. I hope once I figure out my path that I'm able to help others as you all have helped me. I'll let you know where I land on this difficult issue. Much love to you all in your own journeys.

-boo

Some people have started on a low dose and have found it has made them feel good enough to not want to consider full transition. Not a suggestion, but an option. All the best!

Quote from: Ms Grace on August 25, 2014, 05:14:36 AM
Some people have started on a low dose and have found it has made them feel good enough to not want to consider full transition. Not a suggestion, but an option. All the best!

^This.

If going on a full transition dose of HRT seems insurmountable, but you feel that you _have_ to do more then try low dose.  YMMV of course.

You're looking at the rabbit hole, and you're wondering how far down it you'll go.  The answer is always going to be as far as you want and need to.  Remember all your other life goals at the same time and balance it out.

Best wishes!

Boo, Hugs.

I had wanted HRT for a very very long time. I got clearance with my therapist. I discussed it with my wife. I made the appointment and finally got the script. The pharmacy is next door to my Primary Care. I thought I would take the pills at the counter; I did not.  I thought I would take the pills in the parking lot; I did not. I though  would tale them in the car on the long ride home; I did not. In my bedroom I sat with the pills in my hand and finally put them back into the bottle.

I felt sad and very apprehensive and not happy. I felt, this is real and I finally have a choice in something I never wanted and hurt so much. I thought for a few hours and came to the thought, I just want to be me and free of the torment.

For me, I had to do something because life was not working and it was a matter of time if I did not take a chance.

You are normal in questioning a very important step. HRT is just a step though and there are many more.

When I started HRT I knew in about 3 weeks I was going to not go off it and I wanted a full compliment of medicine. I now have a new normal and my wife, daughter and I have adjusted.

Boo, this is your decision and your life, I wish you the best.

I had my script filled for almost a month before I took them, for me just getting the pills to my house was the transition step I needed to take at that time, nothing more.  I eventually took them and haven't stopped.  I can't imagine stopping now.  Take your time and do what's right for you in your time

UPDATE: I have put the pills in a drawer and will postpone any type of chemical or surgical transition indefinitely. My wife is extremely supportive of me expressing myself as a woman, but drew a line in the sand at the thought of losing me as a husband and man in her (and our daughter's) life. For the sake of her, I'm shelving my plans. I guess that puts me in the non-transitioning category, although I AM transitioning in my own way by dressing on a much more regular basis, growing my hair out and getting it cut in an even more blatantly feminine style once I get some length, keeping my legs and pits clean shaven, continuing with my beard removal (now three sessions deep) until I have none left, wearing my nails longer, getting my ears pierced and generally just being myself. I know I'll never be fully satisfied with this situation but it's a relief to finally know where she and I stand. Now that I'm firmly on this side of the line I can make every effort to maximize my potential. We recently went shopping at a cute accessories shop for stuff to go with my birthday party dress and neither of us pretended I was a man out of place. We're learning to fully embrace the dual nature of my gender identity and having fun to boot.

Thanks for the support and I hope I can be an example of someone for whom this tough choice was the right one.

We all have had to make hard choices.

Take everything a day at a time.

Just never give up on life for a life.

We are here to support and as i always say, only transition to the point that you find that inner peace to your soul.

Hugs

As I keep saying - you go as far as you need to.
If you can be happy and stable in your current arrangement, great!

Best wishes, and happy you've reached a conclusion of sorts.

It's all about finding inner peace. Sometimes you gotta take what you get, Maybe not everything you want, but just enough to keep going and functioning..