Hmm - another cry yesterday.

Seams like these anti-depression meds I am on is really slowing me down. I get so tired all the time it make living a normal life very hard. Survival is what I am doing at the moment - getting through my day as best I can.

I still have not started dressing and I have been tempted now and then - but nothing major like before. Maybe I have been there and done that so I do not need to know what it feels like. I keep wondering when I should give into tempation and put on a skirt - I know I would love the feeling.

My swimming is getting hard again and I just hate going to the pool noing everything will be hard - not flowing like it use to be. I felt very tired yesterday after swimming the night before. Feeling like crap I was wondering if I should just give up swimming for now and wait till I am off my meds. Maybe I will feel better then and be able to progress rather then just struggle like I did before.

I am hoping the gender theripst will give me some idea about my depression and how long I will need to be on my medication. I am worried that he will just say continue as you are for now and noit give me any real answers about where I need to go. I am so scared to find out I am female and all it's implication - it is why I do not want to start dress - so I can play with the illussion in my mind that I am a happy male.

I got home yesterday and had a few beers and a big cry. I just want all my suffering to end so I can get back to life like it was before depression. My neigbour had to come over and calm me down - talked to me about just doing some easy swimming and ridding (i feel like I if I do any less then what I am doing now I will be do nothing), and talking to my doctor about changing meds so I can be more happy. We got into a chat about if taking medication is normal as she has been on anti-depression medication for a long time and has finally found the medication that works for her. My fear about seing the gender theripst came out - what it might bring - what it will not bring. I just hope he can give me some direction in all of this so I know how to live my life. At the moment I am feeling very confused as I do not wear feminine clothes but here I am talking to you kind people. I just want to move on - knowing that for now it is best to put my life on hold while figuring out my gender issues.

I hope what I wrote makes sense. Just typing this has helped.
Alice

It does make sense, Alice and I wish you didn't have to go through this. One thing I noticed, though, and you've posted about drinking in the past, is that your antidepressants may not be as effective if you're drinking. Alcohol can either mean they take no effect at all, or could add to that lack of energy side effect that you're experiencing.

It might help if you took a break from beer and gave them a chance to work. If they still don't work, then maybe your doctor can help you find the right ones. A lot of people go through a few medications before they find one that works for them.

Dennis

Quote from: Alice on September 18, 2007, 12:12:30 PM
I still have not started dressing and I have been tempted now and then - but nothing major like before. Maybe I have been there and done that so I do not need to know what it feels like. I keep wondering when I should give into tempation and put on a skirt - I know I would love the feeling.

It sounds like you've already decided that you're going to do it, so why are you waiting?

Quote from: Dennis on September 18, 2007, 01:15:29 PM
It does make sense, Alice and I wish you didn't have to go through this. One thing I noticed, though, and you've posted about drinking in the past, is that your antidepressants may not be as effective if you're drinking. Alcohol can either mean they take no effect at all, or could add to that lack of energy side effect that you're experiencing.

It might help if you took a break from beer and gave them a chance to work. If they still don't work, then maybe your doctor can help you find the right ones. A lot of people go through a few medications before they find one that works for them.

Dennis

I agree with Denis. It took my wife awhile to settle on an antidepressent that worked well for her (her problem was they gave her hideous nightmares every night), it would be worth talking to the doctor about it. It may be that you have not been on them long enough to take good effect, can be about 4 weeks from what I understand. Or it could be they are wrong for you. Medicating depression is not really an exact science in that the drugs seem to effect everyone differently.

I noticed you talking about your swimming in other posts and I would encourage you to continue. I've seen studies that suggest regular exersise can be as effective as taking medication in relieving the symptoms of depression. With the right meds in combination with your swimming I think you will feel heaps better.

Can I ask what's your biggest fears about accepting the female in you and giving in to it?

I can see where you are coming from. Its hard to be decisive when you aren't even thinking clearly with depression. I'm usually depressed.


One would think that the new meds you are on are doing the opposite of what you wanted if it ends in exhaustion. And yes, booze can affect antidepressants.

Quote from: NickSister on September 18, 2007, 03:31:10 PM

Can I ask what's your biggest fears about accepting the female in you and giving in to it?

Having to change my life because I am different.
Having to spend lots of money when I am OK the way I am.
Having to be on Medication (which to me is unatural) for the rest of my life.
Having to sit out swimming while my female features grow.
Having to go through all of this heartace which sometimes seams so unessiary
Having to wear a wig everyday for some time because I need to 'Pass' (Bald woman do not look good)
I do not want to watch my life go a different direction then my friends - I should be out there enjoying my ridding with them.

Alice

Yeah anti-depressants will make you a little drowsy, if it's affecting you too much talk to your doctor.  But also realize over time you'll get used to it, and reap the benefits of the drug.

I have choosen that I am not TS. This is a logical choice about the obsticles in front of me - the pros and cons ahead.

Bring on the depression.


Alice

You don't need to answer my next questions, I just want to add some food for thought:

Having to change my life because I am different.
Are you currently living the life you would freely choose? Can I choose to not be an astmatic?

Having to spend lots of money when I am OK the way I am.
Are you really OK the way you are now?

Having to be on Medication (which to me is unatural) for the rest of my life.
Is it unnatural for someone to take pills for their blood pressure, inhaled steroids for their asthma, glycerine for a heart condition, calcium supplements for their osteoporosis, mood stabilisers for manic depression, hydrocortisone for a chronic skin problem... for the rest of their life? Are they better-off without this medication?

Having to go through all of this heartace which sometimes seams so unessiary
You're living this hearache now. What does this tell you?

Having to wear a wig everyday for some time because I need to 'Pass' (Bald woman do not look good)
You do what you need to do to get a chance at a happy life.

I do not want to watch my life go a different direction then my friends - I should be out there enjoying my ridding with them.
Are you out there enjoying your ridding with them now? If your friends had the choice between you being unhappy and remaining friends with you or you being happy and not being friends with you what would they chose (assuming you can't have both)? What would they tell you to do?

I think you are absolutely lovely Alice and I have faith that you will work things out.

Quote from: Alice on September 18, 2007, 08:54:03 PM
I have choosen that I am not TS. This is a logical choice about the obsticles in front of me - the pros and cons ahead.

Are you sure you have factored in the emotional issues as well? While there are both pros and cons on that front, I'd consider your depression a pretty strong argument. Not necessarily an argument for being TS, mind you, but still one for accepting your need for some level of femininity: reading what you wrote, it seems obvious that you are not 'a happy male'. Still, there are other alternatives besides switching to fully female, and I don't -- or can't -- know what's the right path for you. Trying to put a lid on your feminine traits and needs is clearly not it, though.

You are different, but then everyone is. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to abandon your current life completely: try to figure out what you need to change and what you need to keep in order to become a happy you.
You'll make it.

  Nfr

Quote from: Seshatneferw on September 19, 2007, 01:56:35 AM

Quote from: Alice on September 18, 2007, 08:54:03 PM
I have choosen that I am not TS. This is a logical choice about the obsticles in front of me - the pros and cons ahead.

Are you sure you have factored in the emotional issues as well? While there are both pros and cons on that front, I'd consider your depression a pretty strong argument. Not necessarily an argument for being TS, mind you, but still one for accepting your need for some level of femininity: reading what you wrote, it seems obvious that you are not 'a happy male'. Still, there are other alternatives besides switching to fully female, and I don't -- or can't -- know what's the right path for you. Trying to put a lid on your feminine traits and needs is clearly not it, though.

You are different, but then everyone is. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to abandon your current life completely: try to figure out what you need to change and what you need to keep in order to become a happy you.
You'll make it.

  Nfr

Hay - I did say bring on the depression. It is an ackowlegment that I will proably never be happy as male. *shrug* Seams like all my choices are bad - Maybe I will come out of denile soon.

Alice  (who should go into hidding).

Good morning Alice.

To be honest, hon...

You've been fighting this battle with yourself for at least as long as I've been here. So a long frustrating battle for at least 18 months.
I understand. I fought myself for years too. Told myself to suck it up, enjoy being female because I knew of no other option.
What I'm saying is - I understand. I don't want to be trans either.

Alice, I'll try to put this delicately: I don't see a crossdresser going through this amount of inner turmoil. It's brutally clear that you are not happy being a man with a feminine side who wears skirts. Are you a woman? I don't know. But you seem to be experiencing some intense dysphoria.

I don't want to hurt or upset you, hon...

but do you want to go to your deathbed in tears because you put Alice in chains?


saying a prayer for peace and comfort to you,
Nero

Quote from: Alice on September 18, 2007, 12:12:30 PM
Hmm - another cry yesterday.

Seams like these anti-depression meds I am on is really slowing me down. I get so tired all the time it make living a normal life very hard. Survival is what I am doing at the moment - getting through my day as best I can.

I still have not started dressing and I have been tempted now and then - but nothing major like before. Maybe I have been there and done that so I do not need to know what it feels like. I keep wondering when I should give into tempation and put on a skirt - I know I would love the feeling.

My swimming is getting hard again and I just hate going to the pool noing everything will be hard - not flowing like it use to be. I felt very tired yesterday after swimming the night before. Feeling like crap I was wondering if I should just give up swimming for now and wait till I am off my meds. Maybe I will feel better then and be able to progress rather then just struggle like I did before.

I am hoping the gender theripst will give me some idea about my depression and how long I will need to be on my medication. I am worried that he will just say continue as you are for now and noit give me any real answers about where I need to go. I am so scared to find out I am female and all it's implication - it is why I do not want to start dress - so I can play with the illussion in my mind that I am a happy male.

I got home yesterday and had a few beers and a big cry. I just want all my suffering to end so I can get back to life like it was before depression. My neigbour had to come over and calm me down - talked to me about just doing some easy swimming and ridding (i feel like I if I do any less then what I am doing now I will be do nothing), and talking to my doctor about changing meds so I can be more happy. We got into a chat about if taking medication is normal as she has been on anti-depression medication for a long time and has finally found the medication that works for her. My fear about seing the gender theripst came out - what it might bring - what it will not bring. I just hope he can give me some direction in all of this so I know how to live my life. At the moment I am feeling very confused as I do not wear feminine clothes but here I am talking to you kind people. I just want to move on - knowing that for now it is best to put my life on hold while figuring out my gender issues.

I hope what I wrote makes sense. Just typing this has helped.
Alice

Alice, I've been having the same feelings as of late. I think everyones reply posts are some great advice. I'm just starting down this road and I look @ myself in the mirror and think "no way is this going to happen". I see my male features, I think about my family and friendships, my age, my damn hair or lack there of and say "can't do this". I've decided to take it day by day (i know duh!?!). Gotta lose the weight, get into counseling and then we'll see where I'm @ next year (39 y/o) and go from there.

I gotta DO something, I've felt the way I do since childhood.

As a side note, I work in the mental health / sub. abuse field (go figure right?) and I know you know this, but please no more alcohol. It's a depressant in and of itself especially in large quanities. Not a good companion when you're already so deeply depressed.

Hope you are doing better.

Quote from: Alice on September 19, 2007, 02:13:08 AM
Seams like all my choices are bad - Maybe I will come out of denile soon.

No, not all of them are bad. Tough maybe, but not bad. As for coming out of denial, well, a big part of it is figuring out just exactly what it is you are denying. Or, to put a more positive spin on it, what it is that you are, or want to be. This is largely a non-rational exercise: the main question is what feels right to you. The time for reason will come a little later.

For now, don't dwell too much on how hard it will be, but rather concentrate on where and who you want to be ten or twenty years from now. It's only after you've figured out your overall goal that you get to the rational phase, making plans for reaching that goal.

  Nfr

Quote from: Alice on September 18, 2007, 08:54:03 PM
I have choosen that I am not TS.

Gee!  It must be great to have a choice.  I didn't.

Quote from: Lisbeth on September 19, 2007, 09:31:40 AM

Quote from: Alice on September 18, 2007, 08:54:03 PM
I have choosen that I am not TS.

Gee!  It must be great to have a choice.  I didn't.

Sorry Lisbeth - I was having a bad moment - I do relise this is not a choice and I need to stop hiding from myself.

Alice

Hi Alice,

I know it's hard to give up the beer, it is so much a part of aussie culture.
The anti-depressants you're taking don't sound very effective, maybe you should re-visit your doctor and try something else, especially if you have been taking them for over 4 wks.  They are suppose to re-awaken you, not keep you in a depressed state. 
Why don't you give in to temptation? just a little at a time.  This 'all or nothing' is not good for you or your health, it will keep you constantly in a state of denial and fear.  The swimming and riding sounds very theraputical, atleast you are getting outdoors. 

buttercup 

Quote from: Alice on September 19, 2007, 06:41:17 PM

Quote from: Lisbeth on September 19, 2007, 09:31:40 AM

Quote from: Alice on September 18, 2007, 08:54:03 PM
I have choosen that I am not TS.

Gee!  It must be great to have a choice.  I didn't.

Sorry Lisbeth - I was having a bad moment - I do relise this is not a choice and I need to stop hiding from myself.

Alice

It's always interesting when we hide from ourselves.  Because we really do know where we're hiding, we can always find ourselves when we really want to.  But most of the times we can't find ourselves, and it's really because we don't want to.

Possibly get out of the house for a while and go somewhere to be alone and gather your thoughts. That can really help. The brain tends to be a problem solver. Write your concerns down, but DON'T just write them. Look at your thoughts from a more clear mindset later on to be sure about yourself.

Only advice I have. I'm mostly in the same boat. More like suggestions.

I have not givin into tempation yet - but I am getting very tempted to put on a skirt again.


I wonder if I should use the transgender meeting this Saturday to bring Alice out again? Should I give in or just wait till after my appointment with the gender specalist?


Alice