Hello Susan's community. I wanted to take a minute to introduce myself. First off, I have no idea what I am doing here, so I apologize in advance if I do or say something that goes against the culture of Susan's place. I'm not really very comfortable with forums in general. But I'm really looking forward to spending some time here.

I am... I don't know what the heck I am. I just turned 40. I've been a cis guy all my life... or at least I thought I was. Over the last year I've been coming to terms with the fact that, well, maybe it's not quite so easy. I have had fantasies about being a girl since, well, pretty much since forever. But I never tried cross-dressing, never thought about transitioning, or anything like that until this year. I always figured I would only feel comfortable if I was really a woman, not just a man dressed as a woman.

Anyway, I reconnected with a friend of mine who is plugged in to the LGBT community, and she helped me to understand that you can actually transition pretty well. So I started thinking about it, and then thinking about it pretty seriously. Last year I talked to my wife about it. She has not rejected me, but she does not want to be with me if I am going in an MTF direction. We have seven kids together and she is my life.

Last night we had my parents over and I told them everything. That was probably the ardest conversation I have ever had in my life. They told me they will always love me no matter what, and when it was all done we hugged.

I really don't know where things are going to go from here. I'm really eaten up about it and crushed at this point in my life. I feel hopeless to find a solution that will let me keep the person who is most important to me and also be who I am. Do I really have to choose one or the other? *Sigh.*

Anyway, that is who I am, and just a little bit of my story. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

A big warm welcome to the family! I was 47 when I started my transition and don't think I am doing too bad.  It is not only possible to be successful, but to have a happy life afterwards. Most here got their start by seeing a Therapist preferably with gender experience. In my personal opinion they are invaluable and you may need their help with letters for HRT or SRS if you decide later this is for you. They do so much more than listen and just sit there. Mine has been instrumental with legal issue's and things that may happen in daily life I was unaware of or ever considered. Next I found a great real life support group to help me on the bad days and keep me positive. If you are seriously considering transition we have all the information here you could ever need so use it often.

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Hi Jessica. Thanks SO MUCH for your reply. I read the posts you linked to, and it all seems like common sense, like, "be nice to people and don't do anything stupid." I know that a lot of people online lose sight of what should be common sense though.

My parents brought up the point about seeing a therapist. The problem we have is that we just can't afford it. I saw a guy a couple times, but it turned out that he wasn't particularly knowledgable about gender experience. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if that was the issue when I saw him. Or maybe I was just afraid to admit that that's what my issue was.

I just finished reading She's_Not_There, by Jennifer Boylan, about her transition. The hardest part for me was to see how it tore apart their marriage. Right at the point where she transitioned to Jennifer, her wife shifted to being a friend instead of a romantic partner. I discovered that my wife feels the same way, except she says that the line is at cross-dressing.

Ever since I read that book, I started talking and thinking pretty strongly about cross-dressing. I told my wife that it's what I wanted to do. Her first comments were that I couldn't wear her shoes because she didn't want me to stretch them out, and I couldn't use her make-up because you can end up passing things like pinkeye. Okay, I said.

So I ordered a wig. Not super high-end, but enough that I could go out and feel like it wouldn't be immediately obvious. We ordered it together, but she was extremely unhappy about it. Then I raided her "secondary" make-up kit, the one with all the stuff she doesn't use. I had to buy my own foundation, eyeliner, and a few other things. I am so clueless about this stuff, but YouTube has been a big help. I got to the point where I would feel comfortable going to a trans-friendly bar.

The problem is that, once she realized I was serious about this, she started saying that, if this is the route I'm going to go, then I need to find my own apartment. So I have grudgingly said I will pack all my new stuff away while we sort this out.

I... I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. But I can't go on like I was. This gender thing... I don't know. It's going to come out somewhere, somehow. I don't want it to destroy my marriage and my family.

I'm in a small community in the Midwest. I don't really have a lot of options for support groups. If there are some, I don't even know where to find them. I guess I'm looking to start by making some connections on the forum to see if I can at least get pointed in the right direction.

I guess I didn't realize how completely confused I am until I started typing this all out here. I don't even know if this is what I really want. It seems like most trans folks have this thing that consumes them. For me, I feel like 80% of me thinks it doesn't matter and is fine being a guy. I think that part of me would also be fine being a woman. That part of me just doesn't care that much, and doesn't think that much about it. I feel like there is only 20% of me that wants to be a woman, but that 20% REALLY REALLY wants to be a woman. I don't know. Is that normal? I guess we're all different, and I shouldn't expect that my experience will be exactly like anyone else's. I don't know, I'm just really confused, and now that I'm here, it's like opening the flood gates and it all comes gushing out and I just don't know what to do.

Welcome YourfriendRyan to the family,

First breathe.

Jenny wow great read.

Second relax and see where you belong. A cart before the horse rings in my ear.

There are Skype therapist if you can not find any.

Never underestimate knowledge in a small town.

Third if you fit a diagnoses of GD and then transition I am feeling you will not be doing it with your spouse support, but I hope she is stronger then that and stands proudly by you side.

Hugs

Mrs Izzy, thank you so much. This is great advice. "First breathe." Thank you for the reminder. Sometimes it seems like I need to get this figured out today or tomorrow. I think if I decided to transition, I would retain her friendship, but I would be losing a spouse. For right now, I guess I'll just take it easy and hang around here for a little bit and see what I can pick up. Thanks so much for your support! I feel a little better just having posted here.

Hello YourFriendRyan

Firstly, a hug and welcome!  Breathing is an excellent idea, preferably in and out, and repeating it.  There are many of us who transition late - I am 45.  It's perfectly fine and fully workable, if this is ultimately the route you decide to take.

So you're kind-of saying that the 20% of you which wants to be a woman is much more powerful than the 80% of you which doesn't think it matters (let's forget what the gender of that 80% is for the moment ).  In that case, the 20% sounds like it could be rather a lot more...

I'm a frequent proponent of a good therapist to new sisters and brothers on this site.  Not because we're nuts, nor because we're going to spend years trying to figure out who we are.  Many of us just need someone to help us open the right doors and find our way to the answers which we will provide for ourselves.   Although a therapist who specialises in gender/orientation issues is useful, frequently it's just a good therapist you need, someone with whom you have trust and a good professional vibe, seriously!

Although you are probably feeling a very visceral and urgent need to explore, fix, and correct the issues you are faced with, my recommendation is to try take it slowly, and keep your world drama-free.  You WILL get there.

Feel free to IM or email.  We're all going through shades of the same thing and are happy to help where we can!

Hugs
Julia

Hello and welcome to Susan's. I was a late comer to the trans experience having coming out at age 56. I never cross dressed or thought about transitioning. Today I'm 66 and never been happier. I'm not going to have surgery and I am happy where I am. It's not too late to find out who you are and where you want to go. God luck in your journey.

Hi Julia and Gennee. Thank you for the very warm welcome! I've been thinking a lot about your question this week, Julia. I've been turning it over in my mind to figure out what I'm trying to say. I guess it comes down to this: the stories I often read from transgender folks are basically that they were uncomfortable with their biological gender and always felt like they should be the opposite gender. I have never felt that way. I'm indifferent to my gender, and socialized to be a man in social situations, and I've never felt terribly uncomfortable with that. That's the 80% I'm talking about. But when I think about being a woman, or reflect on the few experiences I've had where I was able to present myself as a woman, I am thrilled, full of joy, happy. Is that typical? Or does that mean I'm dealing with something different than most folks in the community?

I will look into seeing a therapist. That seems to be the general consensus here. Honestly, I'm a little skeptical, having had a couple of bad experiences. But I understand that you need to find the right person, and I trust the consensus of the community that it is the right next step for me. Thanks so much!

Hi Ryan
Welcome to the forum. The first step is realising that something doesn't feel right about the gender you identify as and the one you have been born to. I know you said you couldn't afford a counsellor  but I would suggest that as a good way to get some insight into your feelings and a possible next step whether that be transition or not.

Welcome Ryan. Yeah fantasies as long as you can remember? With me it has always been and even knowing from an early age and pretty much expressing myself how I wanted. It is definitely getting stronger for me to go more. I have always dressed, never saw myself as fully male but somewhere in between and have been pretty satisfied with that until recently. Except for a few years that I suppressed it. I couldn't anymore and that cause a divorce, but I am happier with the perceived feeling of freedom to go farther. For me on that it was one or the other. Anything can happen. My Ex fell in love with the woman, she just didn't know it and thought it was the man she fell for. But it wasn't. I was way too emotional and so on. I can remember at one time she even told me I should have been born a girl. But when it came down to the real deal, she couldn't hack it. So... Bittersweet.

Quote from: YourFriendRyan on August 23, 2014, 07:26:51 PM
I'm indifferent to my gender, and socialized to be a man in social situations, and I've never felt terribly uncomfortable with that. That's the 80% I'm talking about. But when I think about being a woman, or reflect on the few experiences I've had where I was able to present myself as a woman, I am thrilled, full of joy, happy. Is that typical? Or does that mean I'm dealing with something different than most folks in the community?

This is why you need to see a gender therapist. The thrill, full of joy and happy was pretty typical for me but also real, natural and true to who I am. And the biggest part was I felt normal. But we are all at different levels of the spectrum and a gender therapist will really help you realize where you are on that spectrum. But I hate to tell you though it is extremely dynamic and what feels right today, may not be far enough tomorrow. Or maybe too far tomorrow. But that is something you will figure out with a therapist.

Quote from: YourFriendRyan on August 23, 2014, 07:26:51 PM
Hi Julia and Gennee. Thank you for the very warm welcome! I've been thinking a lot about your question this week, Julia. I've been turning it over in my mind to figure out what I'm trying to say. I guess it comes down to this: the stories I often read from transgender folks are basically that they were uncomfortable with their biological gender and always felt like they should be the opposite gender. I have never felt that way. I'm indifferent to my gender, and socialized to be a man in social situations, and I've never felt terribly uncomfortable with that. That's the 80% I'm talking about. But when I think about being a woman, or reflect on the few experiences I've had where I was able to present myself as a woman, I am thrilled, full of joy, happy. Is that typical? Or does that mean I'm dealing with something different than most folks in the community?

Hi Ryan

I guess that it's not so common to be indifferent to one's gender - most guys like being a guy and most girls like being a girl, but honestly, if that's how you feel compared to how you feel when you've had opportunities to present as a woman , this is worth exploring.

It's also worth stating that while many transgender people appear to have known from very young who they were, it's not the only model.  And similarly, while many hate their bodies and despair at them, many accept their bodies until they're ready to make a change. 

I don't think it's necessary to fit yourself into any category quite yet.  Find a good therapist - you really need one with whom you have a good vibe - and explore.  It sounds like metaphorical nonsense, mixed at that, but doing this kind of therapy properly, so that you get true meaning from it, is a bit like setting sail with no destination, or finding yourself on a roller-coaster.  You learn a lot about youself.

Hugs
Julia

I'm reposting a comment I made recently, in case it's helpful...

I used to believe you had to be suicidal to be "really trans" or make transition worthwhile... and it nearly scared me out of doing one of the best things in my life. (I also didn't decide I wanted to transition until I was 32, and I was a cis guy before that. My story is a pretty uncommon one compared to the standard trans narrative.)

I transitioned because I thought I'd be happ*ier,* not because I was utterly miserable and suicidal as it was. And I ended up deciding to take it one step at a time, literally. Instead of saying I was going to transition fully, I'd think about the next thing I wanted to do (ear piercing, women's panties, whatever) and whether it'd make me more happy. Then I'd try it, and if I did indeed feel better, I'd think about the next thing, and so on. But I wasn't deathly depressed as a guy, and I wish I'd never listened to the people who said you had to be hardcore suffering in order to "qualify" or "deserve" to transition.

I had GRS a couple years ago, so I think I'm really trans.

I just wanted to add a quick update to my original introduction post. When I first got on, I was presenting everywhere as male, and my username was YourFriendRyan.

Last Saturday morning, I presented publicly as female for the very first time. I was freaked out beyond belief, but I made my way to the MAC counter at Macy's, and the woman there did my make-up. I was so thrilled! My new profile picture is a selfie I took later that evening. While I still have plenty about my appearance that I'd like to change (don't we all?), I can say that I think this is the first selfie I have ever taken in my life that I actually feel good about.

Now I think to myself, maybe I can actually DO this. Maybe being happy with my gender is not just a pipe dream. So I changed my picture, gender, and username to reflect this. As long as I close my eyes to the turmoil this is causing in the rest of my life, I can honestly say that I am SO HAPPY with this decision.

This whole thing is so strange for me, because up until recently (about a year ago, give or take), I never would have even considered the possibility that I might be transgender.

Hi   

Welcome back to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thanks V M!

QuoteFor me, I feel like 80% of me thinks it doesn't matter and is fine being a guy. I think that part of me would also be fine being a woman. That part of me just doesn't care that much, and doesn't think that much about it. I feel like there is only 20% of me that wants to be a woman, but that 20% REALLY REALLY wants to be a woman. I don't know. Is that normal?

~Ryanne

Based on this statement alone, I would venture to guess that you have an 80% chance of avoiding all the terrible angst an upheaval usually associated with a later in life transition.

Transition, just in an of itself is a life changing endeavor of epic proportions, beyond even most people's capacity to even contemplate.  I would echo the advice of others here to find a good, knowledgeable therapist and realistically assess the  emotional as well as the financial cost for not just yourself, but also your family.

You look so pretty now... :3
Welcome (again) Ryanne! ^_^

Hello and welcome    well first of all no one becomes  MTF that's something no one controls when you are you just are, but not everybody is "Transsexual ", and labels also doesn't help and can confuse lot of people now on days everybody wants of thinks or think they are Trans when they are simply Travesties, homo, or have only fantasies, you should really get slow with all of that this "MODE" can be very dangerous and some people regret it deeply after, first you should do is to be true with yourself it can seems to be fun being Trans but it is not when you can live as you always lived and that brings you no pain no hurts you better keep it for the good of you, your kids, your wife and maybe your hole family, search for professional help than can help you finding out the best for you!  Good luck