Hi everyone, In my short time here, I have a great family of support and mutual help and sharing of feelings.

I feel ecstatic happiness about my HRT of 10 weeks, and becoming a girl physically and emotionally.

I have asked for help from some of you, and you have cheerfully given me that help.

Some of the girls, especially those who are even newer than I am, have found the story of my transition to be inspirational for them.  How do I know this?  They have told me so, either publicly or private.  You have asked for my help, and I have cheerfully given you my help.

Unfortunately, I seem to have offended some of you in the process of sharing with you the story of my transition, and my happiness.

Some of you have found what I write to be highly inspirational.

Others of you have reacted in a more or less neutral fashion.

I don't want to leave this great community.

But for the foreseeable future, I am likely to keep the details of my transition mostly private.

If you wish to become my friend on Facebook or Skype or other social media, for example, I am open to this, and having private conversations that won't offend anyone.

Or, you can PM me here, and keep it private.

As an example, I have some great new info I received on Saturday from a client of mine regarding progesterone. It is NOT dosage info.  But it is great info, IMO.  However, while progesterone is used by many doctors in HRT, imany doctors don't use it in HRT.  I am having GREAT success with micronized progesterone.  But sometimes people seem to get offended when I share this aspect of my transition.  So I won't be posting this info publicly.  If you are interested, you can communicate with me privately.

I make no money when I share my personal experiences.  I am trying to help others with their transitions, and I feel a sense of comraderie here when I share certain feelings of exuberance and euphoria I feel now during my transition.

But since a significant number of people seem to feel offened by many of the feelings I feel or the way I express it, I will take it mostly private, for the foreseeable future.

I sure have some BFF's from here.  But now I will mostly open up my life privately, to my BFF's.

This will probably be the only thread I post about this topic.

All the best with your journeys,
Johanna.
I am female.

I think the problem Johanna is, if you talk a big game, and you're called out on it, then you should back it up with some proof.

It's hard to take you seriously. Your personal boob fascination is kinda over-the-top, hon. We *all* have them as well.

Johanna,
HRT can sure mess with our heads ... I know after 10 weeks I was a mess.. cried all the time.. at a drop of a hat... the changes chemically in the brain had begun.. and we are not used to dealing with the roller coaster ride that CIS women have to deal with.. thats why now I think women are much tougher than men.. for sure.
Anyway, hang in there.... even though my skin is thinner on HRT mentally I have much thicker skin.. I have learned to just laugh at myself when I get out of line and I do..
I got called out on my behavior by a very good friend....I seem to talk about myself to damn much and have gotten a little bit conceited..
We are all human and going through some seriously emotional issues.... so good luck to you.. I am sure you will do fine...
Love
Carrie

Johanna, I do not think I posted to you in the past. I read your posts and think they are very good. The reason I have not posted to you in the past is I felt I could not add to or provide support to the dialogue. This post is different.

I respect all the people here and sometimes in social circles people disagree or want validation. One reaction is to withdraw but there are other reactions too. I understand your feeling of not being supported and being taken down or called out. I remember a wise man wrote a post a while ago and he said he thought deceptive avatar pics were miss leading. There were many replies and if you read through what people were saying there were feelings being expressed, some good and some bad. Point being we are all looking for validation and want someone to accept us.

Johanna, feel free to write what makes you special. Those who are not supportive can choose to not read. I for one read all of your posts.

Quote from: Evelyn K on August 25, 2014, 09:10:43 AM
I think the problem Johanna is, if you talk a big game, and you're called out on it, then you should back it up with some proof.

It's hard to take you seriously. Your personal boob fascination is kinda over-the-top, hon. We *all* have them as well.

I disagree strongly with this. Johanna, I love your posts and your threads. I hope at some point in the future, you feel freer to say what's on you mind. I do not need you to "prove" anything and I love hearing about women who are thrilled with their transition.

I, for one, hope your posts keep coming.

I think those who have the most to hide, have the least to show...

They're also the ones who tend to side with so much secrecy. That's fine, but when it's framed with exuberant self talk, you just have to wonder.

In poker circles it's called, "calling your bluff"

Quote from: carrie359 on August 25, 2014, 09:41:54 AM
Johanna,
HRT can sure mess with our heads ... I know after 10 weeks I was a mess.. cried all the time.. at a drop of a hat... the changes chemically in the brain had begun.. and we are not used to dealing with the roller coaster ride that CIS women have to deal with.. thats why now I think women are much tougher than men.. for sure.
Anyway, hang in there.... even though my skin is thinner on HRT mentally I have much thicker skin.. I have learned to just laugh at myself when I get out of line and I do..
I got called out on my behavior by a very good friend....I seem to talk about myself to damn much and have gotten a little bit conceited..
We are all human and going through some seriously emotional issues.... so good luck to you.. I am sure you will do fine...
Love
Carrie

Hi Carrie, I am crying just a little as I read your post.  Maybe you are right that these hormones make me want to shout TOO much to the world about ME.

I mean, I don't know if this is selfish, but I also want to help people too, as people have helped me.  I don't think I am conceited, but I will concede that maybe I have been talking to much, publicly, about myself.  To me, sharing some of our deepest feelings is part of feeling comraderie.  Most of the world doesn't like trans girls, and with more changes it will be harder in many ways -- particular as to the significant economic risk of "coming out" at work and with clients (which is another form of work).

Yes, as I have reported extensively, I now cry at strange and unpredictable times.  But you too, Carrie, have had this experience.

Thank you for your strong emotional help.

Love to you too Carrie,
Johanna.

Quote from: Evelyn K on August 25, 2014, 10:39:32 AM
I think those who have the most to hide, have the least to show...

They're also the ones who tend to side with so much secrecy. That's fine, but when it's framed with exuberant self talk, you just have to wonder.

In poker circles it's called, "calling your bluff"

Hi Evelyn, I have opened up with more personal information about the specifics of my life, publicly posted, than many here.  I also have opened up about some of my deepest feelings, and this is with you and others I have never met face to face.  This may have been a mistake, as I am now feeling a little depressed about the reaction of some people here.

Two people from this site have seen me, LIVE, on Skype.  So I am "hiding" nothing from those who feel they can trust me enough to be a BFF of mine.  I won't go into specifics, because if I do, some people here might get offended.  They have physically seen me.  I will just leave it at that, because if I say more, I will probably offend someone.

I have played poker.  I don't agree with your analogy, to this situation.

Johanna.

I'm sorry to say this ,but all you really talked about was your breasts and how your 6 year old kept staring, just thought you should know why some triggers were pulled

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 25, 2014, 10:15:29 AM
I disagree strongly with this. Johanna, I love your posts and your threads. I hope at some point in the future, you feel freer to say what's on you mind. I do not need you to "prove" anything and I love hearing about women who are thrilled with their transition.

I, for one, hope your posts keep coming.

Hi Suzi dear, Wow do your words of support give me inspiration.  You have a ton more experience than I do with this journey, you have been here a LONG time.

You don't want "proof" of my mental feelings or physical condition, you TRUST me enough to accept my feelings and descriptions of my transition.

However, I am VERY open about my feelings and physical appearance with anyone who trusts me enough to talk and see me via Skype, for example.  One warning about THAT, however, is that I have not yet undergone any female voice training which I understand is a rather involved process.   So my voice certainly won't sound feminine to anyone who speaks LIVE with me, via Skype.

To repeat, I AM NOT READY YET TO "COME OUT" AT SUSAN'S WITH A PHOTO.  The reactions of some of you makes me a little depressed and apprehensive about whether I really want to do that at ANY time, I don't know yet.

I AM thrilled, Suzi, at your strong support, and YOUR strong support is making me feeling better right now.

Because the reactions of some people has made me feel kind of depressed during the last 24 hours or so.  Well, in part it may be these hormones probably.

I have never experienced anything exactly like this in my life before.

Suzi, thank you ever so much.

Johanna.

Quote from: stephaniec on August 25, 2014, 03:12:23 PM
I'm sorry to say this ,but all you really talked about was your breasts and how your 6 year old kept staring, just thought you should know why some triggers were pulled

Thank you for the thoughts, Stephanie.  I am sorry to say I cannot respond to the content of your post, because some people might be offended.  I will respect that.

Johanna.

Your posts have been very ebullient, there's no denying that and they are positive and entertaining too. From the moderator side of the fence there was concern that perhaps it all seemed "a little too wonderful" and we have had people here like that before who have spun a fairy tale transition and we have a strict policy against fantasy personas. For what it's worth I have been ready to give you the benefit of a doubt, like all of us your ability to express who you really are has been closeted for many, many years and is now finally getting a taste of freedom. HRT can be exhilarating and confusing, and like everyone here you have expressed that bountifully. There is clearly a cultural difference in that though and for some it has stirred the pot. Never shy from expressing who you are, but maybe consider sometimes how those things are being expressed might be interpreted as not how you intended. Hugs.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on August 25, 2014, 10:05:42 AM
Johanna, I do not think I posted to you in the past. I read your posts and think they are very good. The reason I have not posted to you in the past is I felt I could not add to or provide support to the dialogue. This post is different.

I respect all the people here and sometimes in social circles people disagree or want validation. One reaction is to withdraw but there are other reactions too. I understand your feeling of not being supported and being taken down or called out. I remember a wise man wrote a post a while ago and he said he thought deceptive avatar pics were miss leading. There were many replies and it you read through what people were saying there were feelings being expressed, some good and some bad. Point being we are all looking for validation and want someone to accept us.

Johanna, feel free to write what makes you special. Those who are not supportive can choose to not read. I for one read all of your posts.

Cynthia Michelle, You make me feel better.

Except for maybe THIS very personal thread of mine, it might be better to speak privately with those who like what I have to share.  Outside of THIS thread, I probably shouldn't share more about my transition for the foreseeable future.  People who trust me enough to share my thoughts, and physical appearance, well -- there is this great little invention known as Skype -- and I am sure there are many similar services, as well, that I am not yet familiar with.

I suppose that part of the reason so many people that are here, are here, is for some validation of our transition experience.  I think you are SO correct about this probable psychological necessity that many or most people here, have.

What constitutes "validation"?  Well, I am certainly no expert psychologist, although I did take some formal University coursework in psychology years ago, as part of my undergraduate degree (I have a Master's Degree).

I think part of what constitutes "validation" is:

1) Feelings of acceptance.

2) Feelings of comraderie about a powerful shared experience (in this case, MTF transition) that most people in the world cannot really appreciate or understand well.

3) Feelings of trust.

4) Feelings of venting some powerful emotions, under the psychological effects of these amazingly strong hormones.

There are probably other aspects of "validation," too, that I am not thinking of right now.

I feel plenty of acceptance from YOU and many others here, and ESPECIALLY with my BFF's from here -- you know who you are, my dears, and I will be forever grateful to you for SO many hours of sharing nearly all aspects of our lives.

I think I am developing some life-long BFF relationships as a result of this great website.

The MOST and greatest feelings I get, is "validation" and shared experiences, with those with whom I have a mutual trust strong enough to result in hours and hours of conversation.

Some of my BFF's from here -- well, we have some private conversations on vairous social media that last anywhere from 1 hour to 3 or even 3 and a half hours.  On multiple occasions.  In not too distant future, I might even have the joy of meeting some of my BFF's from this Website, in person.

But I won't be discussing the details of any of this, publicly.  Only privately...because I might offend someone, and I prefer to only interact extensively with those who feel mutually, as I do, that we are BFF's -- that might even be for the rest of our lives.  Life lasts a long time, but I honestly feel close enough to a small number of you gals here, that this might come true!

Cynthia Michelle, I feel very grateful for your strong support.

Hugs to you my dear,
Johanna.

Quote from: Ms Grace on August 25, 2014, 03:20:39 PM
Your posts have been very ebullient, there's no denying that and they are positive and entertaining too. From the moderator side of the fence there was concern that perhaps it all seemed "a little too wonderful" and we have had people here like that before who have spun a fairy tale transition and we have a strict policy against fantasy personas. For what it's worth I have been ready to give you the benefit of a doubt, like all of us your ability to express who you really are has been closeted for many, many years and is now finally getting a taste of freedom. HRT can be exhilarating and confusing, and like everyone here you have expressed that bountifully. There is clearly a cultural difference in that though and for some it has stirred the pot. Never shy from expressing who you are, but maybe consider sometimes how those things are being expressed might be interpreted as not how you intended. Hugs.

Ms. Grace, You are one of the best on here.  You are almost always SO positive.

It is better for all concerned that for the foreseeable future, my deepest thoughts and descriptions of my mental, psychological, and physical transitions stay mostly private, with the except of THIS thread.

Those who trust me enough, can get mental validation and physical validation through Skype, or other similar social media.

Yes, Grace, many different countries are involved here, and for sure there can be cultural differences.

YOU, Grace, are nearly always so positive.

I understand that as a Moderator, you sometimes have to wear the "police" hat. 

No problem, and I feel no offense at all that you had to delete a few posts from various people including me and others, from at least one of my recent threads.

Well, it is NO fantasy.  At least not now.  Sure, prior to HRT starting 10 weeks ago, this was a "fantasy" in some aspects for me, because while I had the right female clothing a lot of the time, and the right mental feelings as "ready to go" with HRT, I had not yet come under the powerful emotional influence of these hormones, nor did I have any physical changes.

I didn't even JOIN Susan's until I had already started HRT in the real world.  To be honest, Grace, I was too embarrassed.

NOW I have emotional and physical reality in the real world.

I will continue to share vast amounts of my life, with my BFF's, privately.

Thank you so much, Grace.

Johanna.
I am female.

Well, after reading this thread, I am somewhat disappointed that a new sister of ours feels she has to hide her thoughts and feelings. Come on girls, I say girls because I see no gents here, but come on, we're a support site, we are supposed to be supporting each other, not criticizing one another! While I'll agree some of Johanna's posts have been a bit self centered and repetitive, but have we forgotten how so excited we were when we began this wonderful journey? I for one find her posts a refreshing jolt of fresh air because they are positive. She's not bringing up the horrors of her past nor the difficulties she's suffered as we all have, through her years up until she was able to start hrt no, she is being positive and sharing with us how wonderful and feminine she feels now after putting up with years of living in the wrong body, wrong smells, wrong look, wrong parts, these are familiar to all of us (cept the smell in my case, lol). Johanna has brought to us an innocence I feel we've all lost along the way. Let's try to give her a break and benefit of the doubt okay? We've all been there. We've just been able to quell our feelings of joy and femininity better. Hers are just bursting out at the seams -wonderful femininity. We should be happy she is sharing these wonderful moments with us.

And as to her Skype thing, Yes, I have seen Johanna on Skype Video chat. Her booby's are growing. She's not misleading anyone about that. She has some difficulties to overcome physically and emotionally. Like we all do. So let's be supportive instead of being critical. I have faith in every one of you here in this so so wonderful community.

@Ms. Grace: Thank you for your words. I know I appreciated reading them, and I know Johanna appreciates them as well.

Ali

Hi again Joahanna
I really hope you stay on Susan's..... One thing my wife just said to me is she is tired of my adolescent behavior.. she says it in a nice way but we all know that HRT and going through a second puberty can be a wild ride but also so fun too.... I figure I am about 16 now hoping I can get to at least 20 by October....  I just love life so much not having my secret issue anymore and discovering me.... and taking the walls down...
So what I am saying.... its amazing how adult we keep the forum in the first place.. I mean heck.. we are on female hormones and changing..
So as my therapist tells me.. enjoy the ride.. its gonna last a while..but isn't it wonderful to be on our way!!
Carrie

Quote from: JohannaJohn on August 25, 2014, 03:00:26 PM
Hi Carrie, I am crying just a little as I read your post.  Maybe you are right that these hormones make me want to shout TOO much to the world about ME.

I mean, I don't know if this is selfish, but I also want to help people too, as people have helped me.  I don't think I am conceited, but I will concede that maybe I have been talking to much, publicly, about myself.  To me, sharing some of our deepest feelings is part of feeling comraderie.  Most of the world doesn't like trans girls, and with more changes it will be harder in many ways -- particular as to the significant economic risk of "coming out" at work and with clients (which is another form of work).

Yes, as I have reported extensively, I now cry at strange and unpredictable times.  But you too, Carrie, have had this experience.

Thank you for your strong emotional help.

Love to you too Carrie,
Johanna.

I have to admit that I haven't followed your threads that much after the original posts, but I think I've read most of them and I found nothing that out of the ordinary about them. But as said, I haven't really read the replies, so I might be missing the whole point.

I myself am endlessly psyched about having boobs finally and pester my friends to the point of boredom about them probably, although they continue to assure me I'm not. They kept telling me not to approach hormones as these magic pills that suddenly fix everything about your life, and I did take a very practical approach to it. But it turned out that, actually, in my case they did turn out to be a bit of a magical thing, because they've fixed almost everything about my life. Obviously they didn't affect anything except my body and mind, but that peace and confidence I got from them actually ended up pretty much fixing a lot of my other life as well. As the latest thing, I finally got a job after almost 6 years of looking for one. At a point where I thought it would be the most impossible, because my physical changes have been to the point where I look externally like this androgynous gender explosion that people stare on the street and I thought that would pretty much put my job hunting aspirations to a halt.

They do run a pretty tight ship around here, sometimes I personally feel that they go too far with it since we're all pretty much adults. But at the same time I do understand it, because this is a very large forum with a potentially volatile subject matter and I've seen, and been staffing, forums that have imploded because the reigns weren't held tight enough. And the cultures differ within communities and forums as well as countries. So we're working with double culture differences when someone is new and hasn't adapted to the culture of some forum or community yet as well as having their own societal cultural background. I'm still acclimating to this forum's culture and have been accidentally gotten myself thrown out of the chat once and have pulled back from making some posts on the forum. Interestingly I do hesitate making positive posts more than I do negative ones.

These things happen and sometimes there are a some clashes as we all get used to each other. It's pretty inevitable, so I hope you won't make any rash conclusions.

I think (hope) that the contents of this thread can be used for/ be seen as some non critical, non personal feedback.
I'm sorry to admit I am also one who tends to avoid the TA's threads.. I too assumed it to be mostly a cultural thing, maybe the Latin ebullience clashing a little with my New Zealand reservedness.
However I get to choose what I read and have no issue with or need to clash with the TA. My 2c would be that; yes life is amazing but not to sound too much like trog, but it gets a little boring to read about.. I'm personally more interested in threads where questions are asked as often they can reveal some very interesting insights and information

We'll hugs to everyone, I'm really not a terrible person in real life! Claire.

Quote from: carrie359 on August 25, 2014, 04:51:58 PM
Hi again Joahanna
I really hope you stay on Susan's..... One thing my wife just said to me is she is tired of my adolescent behavior.. she says it in a nice way but we all know that HRT and going through a second puberty can be a wild ride but also so fun too.... I figure I am about 16 now hoping I can get to at least 20 by October....  I just love life so much not having my secret issue anymore and discovering me.... and taking the walls down...
So what I am saying.... its amazing how adult we keep the forum in the first place.. I mean heck.. we are on female hormones and changing..
So as my therapist tells me.. enjoy the ride.. its gonna last a while..but isn't it wonderful to be on our way!!
Carrie

Hi Carrie...again...hey, so nice of you to share your feelings and experiences with me...I will at least publicly be here a little...privately it is full speed ahead in sharing my life and transition with some great BFF here from this site.

Sure, you feel you are 16.  Well, I feel like I am more like 12 or maybe 13 since this is all so new for me.  Ally said I still have some emotional and physical issues to overcome, and she is right, but then many here have these issues...and it is as Ally said I like to share my positive exuberance to feel comraderie, to be validated, and to help others who might be newer than I am.

I felt really depressed for much of today about all this.

I did my work fine as usual, with positiveness to my University students and positiveness to my private clients.  But, inside, I felt really depressed.

Maybe a professional psychologist in the audience could better explain than I can, how I could feel great about my work and students and clients for much of today, yet really depressed about offending so many people here.

Carrie, I chatted online with one of my several BFF's from here about all this, and I sure felt better.  I cried a river during the online chat with this particular BFF.

I cannot help it.  I almost never did this before HRT...my brain patterns and emotions are changing, that is for positive sure, in the real world...

The result was that while I felt better, I still had, a couple of hours ago, some kind of -- how to say it? -- "woozy feeling of depression" -- like I was recovering from from something.  I am better now, I am not crying right now...

I still feel somewhat depressed though, to be honest.  Cannot help it...

Carrie, like a 12 or 13 or 16 year old (in your case).  I feel SO happy with you that your wife UNDERSTANDS you...this is marvelous, you NEED this in your great transition journey...

You said..."but isn't it wonderful to be on our way!!" -- YOUR words -- but these words echo in my heart, and maybe in the heart of many others here...

I am still depressed right now, so I am sorry I cannot express things as positively as I would like to, but your words STILL echo in my heart...

An embrace to you,
Johanna.

Oh, Johanna, I'm sorry to see this. I won't second-guess the moderators, but I think your enthusiasm is sweet.

(I do wonder if one of the problems people had was your tendency to repost the same exact comment in more than one thread - I do the same thing sometimes, since it's easier than typing it all out again, but I usually include a warning that "this is a repost to save on typing" or something like that. So it can come across, unintentionally, as adding paragraphs about your boobs or whatever to every conversation, even though you're actually just reposting.)