This topic may contain slightly sexually explicit language, so please don't read if you feel uncomfortable about the topic
Hi girls,

I know I complain a lot. So I am actually gonna be positive and write about my maybe not so innocent story.

So I have this male friend of mine to whom I have been close since I am 11. We have a really deep rich dynamic, though I think the relationship is kinda fried now, and I'm not saying I love him, because I don't. I don't really find him attractive. However, we've shared moments of intimacy. Like pure intimacy. I have always suspected he was gay or bi. There was a time he was at my house and we just layed in the same bed, and I started hugging him and I felt so tempted to kiss him, so we just cuddled there. Another time I went to his house and also started caressing him but my brother was there so nothing really serious happened, or else it would have been awkward.

Then I just came along one day when he was all by himself. His mom and step-dad weren't at home and I decided to pay him a visit, and ended up staying over. He had this huge bed in the attic, so we slept together. Er, what. I mean, we slept together in the same bed only. I just did the same and started caressing his chest, pulled his shirt up and just massaged him. Then... he moaned in what I think could be a pleasurable tone and just vented to the toilet saying he had "something stuck in his bladder". He stayed there for maybe 5 minutes, I just heard him washing hands, water and flush sounds. He came back and we just continued and then I fell to sleep. It was really hot hot hot.

We were very close to having sex. I don't know why, I just sense it. Had I reached for his penis he'd would have allowed like he was allowing all the other stuff. I guess I have been probably burying desire under the carpet for so long that I felt this way. But I didn't want to lead him on and mix up feelings, ruin our friendship and we're just friends or maybe "just friends"? Anyway it didn't feel right, I wasn't and am not in love with him, and I'm sure he wouldn't ever fall in love with me, but a purely physical/sexual relationship just didn't feel right. If this happened again I don't know if I could resisit the temptation to give him a BJ, so I have been avoiding it and it helps that we have not beeing seeing each other so frequently. And it helps that I have no real libido.

Anyway, I wonder if this proves I am a woman. Most guys would probably have jumped for it. Some girls too, I know. What I mean is that maybe just confirms my gender identity in some sort. Many guys would have no problem with being only physical with someone, but I do and it's just one of those things that reinforces my gender identity. I'm not a guy anyway. I don't actually mean to stereotype and I know I am. But um, it's just the way I felt. It was what my friend told me too.

I felt confused, but these experiences molded my sexuality. Was this the way you all knew for sure? I think this is was the way I knew for sure I was into guys. But I had always been sure of my gender indetity already.

I had a friend I grew up with and ended up having great sex

Nothing is gojng to "prove" you're a woman. That's an absurdity you've got to relinquish. Who you go to bed with is unrelated to who you go to bed as. Just be you. Who you are can't come from outside. To allow that, is to surrender your agency and become a tool for someone else.

Quote from: Isabelle on August 25, 2014, 08:16:24 PM
Nothing is gojng to "prove" you're a woman. That's an absurdity you've got to relinquish. Who you go to bed with is unrelated to who you go to bed as. Just be you. Who you are can't come from outside. To allow that, is to surrender your agency and become a tool for someone else.

I know, I know. I really didn't mean in that way actually. Just sort of validating, I guess, I don't know.

Also, Stephanie, good to know.

What I really mean from this post is that I am glad that I have at least some intimacy. I wish it could be more genuine and I could be myself with someone I loved. This was just pure sexual desire, if even that, maybe neediness. I don't feel like I could go into an only physical relationship or satisfy someone's wishes while staying unfulfilled myself emotionally.

EDIT: I never meant sexual orientation made yourself more of a woman. But if that's my post implies it's not what I mean. Just that I wasn't the sex-oriented and it'd probably be something guys would have a harder time controlling, and it just confirmed my gender identity. But I know this is all flawed. It's my mind still thinking in simplistic ways.