Hi!

My entire life I never had problems being who I was and I was always cheerful, happy and liked sports.
Only now at the age of 21 I suddenly start to get issues. I feel like I don't want to be male, but neither want to be female.
Its hard to explain, I love the strength I have and I'm a really good runner. On the other side I sometimes love to wear female cloths for both sexual pleasure as well as it just sometimes feels good. So I really got confused as everything about me feels so contradicting.
-I hate proving myself, but I want to be the best at things
-I love singing, but i'm afraid to do it with anyone else.
-I can get emotional from watching even stuff on the news, but I can also make myself immune to it (for example: with friends/family)
-I'm not an alcoholic but I feel like I'm more myself when I'm have been drinking a bit cause I feel less limited to dance/sing, and my friends even say I'm good at it. (witouth alcohol I wouldn't even dare do it)
-I'm really a lot a lot more filosofical, I wonder about everything.
-I just feel different like I'm not myself when I'm not alone. Everyone likes me tough, but I feel like I'm acting mostly and it does make me feel alone at times.
-I love to look good but its not like I would stand houres in front of a mirror.

I really got no idea what is going on. Its not like this is comming from nowhere, it feels more like it builded up over the years. I just feel different from others?
Why is this happening? And what is this? Will this become worse?

thanks and greetz!

Chronicle

Will it become worse than,.. what? Feeling different from others?
Worse building up? Out of nowhere?
Or will it feel better if I told you what was happening? And maybe even why?..
How long have you been trying on feminine clothing?
Do you always get sexual when you wear them, or do you sometimes just enjoy the moment, the feeling you have for yourself when you do?
There's a couple of different ways of looking at that, actually more, but a couple simple explanations.
One is simply sexual gratification, which is in the range of very normal for a lot of people.
The other is that you are experiencing a feminine moment, one that you recognize as who you are.
Also within the range of very normal for a lot of people.
Non-binary is the current term used for that. Recognition of your feminine side, for you.
Some current thinking from studies suggest that around 80% of the population report at least a 20% recognition of the opposite gender in themselves.
Could this be what it is? It does seem to be a very rough cut-off line for many as to whether they consider themselves to be non-binary.
For you, do you think that your feminine side is like this, or do you think the % could be higher?
There isn't a definitive way to know, except for yourself if you think you're non-binary, having definite parts of both the so-called genders.
A lot of what people consider to be one gender or the other are simply social constructs that say you are one or the other.
We know this isn't true at all, that most everyone have various attributes that are usually given to either male or female genders.
The standard models of each have over time, been divided into such harsh differences that it's hard for anyone to be just one or the other.
Social constructs of gender. They are imaginary in reality. We all have some of each.
But it's really your call as to whether you think that you have enough to consider that you just may be a non-binary gender.
It doesn't have to be a 50-50% kind of thing, some non-binaries consider themselves in the 90-10% range and are comfortable with that.
Others look at something closer to a 50-50. Even then, some of those would rather be or think of themselves as binary in gender anyways.
They are male or female to themselves, they just accept that they do have other attributes of the 'other' gender in them.
It's kinda your call on this one.
Something to think about, while you hang out here in the forest of non-binary people who also hang around with the binary people who come to visit.
In other words, welcome to the forest, look around and check out some of the topics, both current and the older ones, they tend to answer a lot of questions that you may not even thought of yet.
Ativan

Thanks for the answer. And while it sometimes is sexual, its mostly not and I feel like if I could be female at times and male at others I would live the perfect life. I would like to try out living like a female for a bit to see if it really does appeal me as much as I think it would. But how can I even do that? Its not at all simple with friends, brothers/sisters, family, ... .(what if after all this I just say, I was wrong, I'm male anyhow Oo) And it would help a lot to try this out with some others but again, its a huge step to trust a total stranger. But then again I do feel good as a male too, especially the strength helps a lot in daily life, I just hate the idea of being seen as a man who has to not show emotions/challenge everything and so. Thats just not me. And perhaps that makes me non-binary, but that makes me feel like someone who can't decide what he/she wants for infinity. So much confussion.

Be yourself, the rest will follow.
It takes a lot of thinking, self examination and such to alleviate the confusion.
In the meantime, hang around here and go check out the MTF Transsexual boards to see how they might fit as well.
A lot of knowledgeable people in any area you explore.
And of course, questions are always welcome, as well.
Ativan

life is a road to travel, not a decision to make. being non-binary isn't the same as not making up your mind, it is being true to yourself, if you're a person who isn't strictly male or female in mind or soul, or whichever part of a person this gender identity really is.

it might not be your gender identity that's making trouble for you. maybe crossdressing really is just a hobby/interest kind of thing, and it would be fine as long as you have a partner who accepts a little bit of that. or maybe you'd want to dress up as a woman in public too on some days, without turning woman forever. it usually takes time to find out, and it's also often best to take the time needed to find out.

maybe all you really need it to let go of your mask and stop pretending to be some mr. manly man. this is a lot easier to do than changing sex, but can also feel a lot scarier as a solution to problems. because people of the opposite sex won't be questioned at all, so if you were a woman, all these things you feel are weaknesses to a man, would be justified. i did some stupid thinking of that sort, stereotyping everything and driving myself into a corner where i could only see full transition into a man as a solution to things. but something more female held me back as well, and i got seriously confused.

a whole lot of self searching, and gradually letting myself be who i am, meaning my personality, has helped a lot. transition does no longer seem like the solution to all of my troubles, i am a total weirdo, sometimes i say odd things that make people's jaws drop (people that i'm slightly closer to than any odd acquaintance), but i'm well liked. quite interesting how people started liking me more and talking to me more, when i started chipping off that rigid mask which i'd hidden myself behind in order to fit in. i can assure you that men will get away with showing a whole lot more emotion than what you have limited yourself to.

transition is still something i want, but now only as a solution to one little problem, not a way to fix my life. i got out of depression, anxiety, and confusion. now i'm ready to live, and life will be great no matter what, though it could get totally awesome if i can just get a little closer physically to the opposite sex of what my body developed into.

I can recognize myself a lot in what you just sed. Altough I don't actually like the term crossdressing as that suggests its some purely fetish thing.
I keep reading stuff about these gender issues being about having a female and a male and your scaled on a % towards one of them. To me it feels more like some need to allow emotions.

When I was young I would always be the one cheering up people, trying to understand what they feel like and be positive even if bad stuff would happen. It all felt so naturally and easy to do. I never liked playing against friends, but always prefered we played like one team for a common goal and seeing others being happy/sad made me almost mimic their feelings inside me. For some reason from 17+ onwards people start seeing you as a man who shouldn't express much, don't show that you feel how others feel and do manly things. The longer the harder I always felt to upkeep that and I felt more and more censured to who I actually want to be. From that point onwards I always felt like wanting to be able to share my story with a woman as I felt they would be more understanding. But from every relationship I tried, I felt so much pressure to act like a man all the time(and at times I want to but there are times I just want to be seen more like a human). Its like there is some barrier that doesn't allow to talk about it and then of course you don't feel honnest and break-up witouth a clear reason. Its not that I want to say 'I like to wear woman's cloths' at all. I feel like cloths don't even matter if I could just say what I want to say.

After that it felt like a search to a solution. And thats probably where I stand today. Do I actually show more simmilarities to a woman, I don't know cause I never felt like openly talking to one. Perhaps being able to be happy and do fun stuff with someone you love and knowing each other in and out would solve my problem completely. But then again, how realistic is that? Its also not like I'm overemotioned, but I just feel so frustrated/angry/... often and sometimes I don't even know why. I just wish that I would meet people who don't care about 'weird' stuff and just dare to talk openly about everything. And so my search to an answer probably continues...

Look for that person who you can talk to. They don't need to be a friend or relationship.
Doesn't have to be anyone close, but sharing how you truly feel is a very freeing experience.
If one person doesn't get it, it's not a big loss, but it will make you feel all the better to just let it out.
There are a surprising number of people who do get it, despite how they may seem up front.
Don't forget that they are probably restrained by those same kinds of things as you fell as well.
Sometimes it takes them by surprise, but they know and understand it themselves.
I have told and talked to a lot of people about it in passing.
Found a couple good people who I can trust with how I feel about a lot of things that way.
You just never now until you open up, a difficult thing to do, but the rewards are substantial when you find those right people.
Ativan