I've been reading up on what it means to actually transition. I've started growing my hair out getting to know people in my local community as well as seen a therapist.  She is not experienced in trans but mental disorders so she has a basic understanding. I understand the hormones, psychical changes. Voice modification, hair removal, srs, post op dialation and the pains it can cause. I am also aware of the fact my family is 100% against it and it will end my marriage.

When I first started looking into all this full time and letting my family and close friends know I didn't feel any different bug the longer I go the more I feel it building up inside of my and now I feel ready to move on but keep having last moment jitters. I was planning on telling my Dr tomorrow when I go in for some other issues but is there any advice you can give me before going on to attempt to ease mg mind a little bit.

The only way I know how to ease my mind is to distract it. I usually do so by playing games and watching YouTube videos... However it's not for everyone, and it probably is a bad habit... I should be handling it head on, not distracting myself from it, but I'm not sure how to do so.. I need to speak with a gender therapist first.

But that's just me.

All I can really say is even though we have a lot of losses and hard times living as the true you is so worth all the pain and effort. 

I am in a sort of similar position in a way. I have done the tests. I have had the appointments with doctors and psychologists. I have done the research. I have come out to a select few friends and family members. Today is the day I will get my first prescription. I know the changes that I must be ready to accept, both physically and emotionally. And I too have the jitters in a way. But for me, I plan on discussing this with the doctor. It may just be nerves to do with such a drastic change on my life, like when you quit a job, start a new job, propose, get married etc...but despite the jitters, you need to know in your heart, that you are doing the right thing.

Thank you ladies. I have been feeling this strange anxiety for a while and now that I'm starting to accept it more as fact vs desire that is going away. The strange part is I don't feel any different but my wife has noticed a dramatic change in my personally as well and even though I'm not on hormones yet my body does feel a bit different.  Its a really strange feeling to be excited, terrified, happy, and sad all at once. As mentioned above my therapist is not a gender specialist and she is going the route of bi-polar or depressed but admits I do sound trans. I'm still looking for one that is experienced in mtf patients though. Sadly most of the ones my friends used have left the state or stopped practicing.

Here is a question out of left field but I'm still wanting to make my relationship work making growing breast and losing my penis a hot button topic. So to my question: does anyone here know of a good source or method for feeling better about my body that would be achieved without going through hrt yet making me feel fine being male since right now every part of me is screaming out to become a woman as fast as possible. It's a real tough spot I've found myself in and the way I see it now my options are limited but I'm sure there are options somewhere.

Unfortunately for us, (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), being trans* is a brain thing.
Short of a lobotomy, nothing will remove your need to be a woman. You might find some things ease the pain, but at least in my experience, transitioning is the only way to make it bearable.

As much as it sucks, and my word can it suck
It's part of who and what we are;
So we either live with it, or give into it,
and giving in to who we are is nothing to be ashamed of.

Hugs
Jo

You are likely to never truly be rid of these feelings, Releca. You may find a way to "cope" with the issue and not transition. Some do. Some think they've got it under control then 10 or 20 years later the pressure gets so bad they have to transition anyway.

But if you are trans, it's in your inherent brain structures, like the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis of the hypothalamus (BSTc). If you're trans, then your BSTc is female, plain and simple. And likewise for several other brain structures. Yours are female, not male. You can fight that, maybe succeed for a while or even your entire life, but talking to people who never transitioned, I get repeated admissions that they made a mistake, that the biggest regret in their latter years is realizing they lived their lives for someone else and not themselves.

So good luck trying to cope. I did that and still failed. I did that and still am losing my spouse. I did that for 35 years and I've lost my sons. If I knew then what I know now, I would have transitioned out of high school. But you're you and you get to try it your way, so all I can do is wish you good luck and hope that you aren't one of the very many who at the end of your life will regret what you did to yourself for the sake of others.

Liz I completely understand what you mean. If I knew 20 years ago what I know now I'm sure I'd never have looked back. Growing up I had a very passive personally where girls wanted me as one of them and guys hated me because I could get any girl to want to hang out with me. My great aunt bless her soul may have been a full game of marbles (long story) tried a few times to get me to try on dresses and I so really wanted to be a pretty princess back then but turned it away because "guys didn't do things like that" as I grew older it made me quite sad when the gender divine happed at puberty. My body must have known though since I've kept a slinder face and no Adams apple. It seems coping for me is ignoring the issue and hope it goes away.

Its like you said some can cope but after 24 years its becoming harder to hold it back but with getting married and a strong southern upbringing I'm hitting impasses that hurt in both directions.  I know its quite a bit of talking but I'm just not sure what to do with both hurting just as bad and ending up in tears nightly. The Drs I've seen all say I'm just depressed and have misguidedings about who I am. One did mention dismorphic but then prescribed anti depression meds.


Tldr: I agree with Liz and wonder if I'm just being silly.