Hi all,

well, here I am . Glad to have found this place! I'm a 38 year-old ftm, pre-everything. I was a gender non-conforming child, but I think that bullying and social/family pressure to conform pretty much shut that part of myself down.

Two years ago I started developing all kinds of health issues which a bit further down the road got labeled as "psychosomatic". For about a year now, I've been peeling away layers and layers of "issues". Two months back I decided to label myself as nonbinary/genderqueer. That wasn't the end of it . I finally understood a few days ago that I'm ftm trans and I want to transition (thinking t and top surgery).

I haven't felt so "whole" and at peace with myself in such a long time. Of course, there's a catch - I'm married to my loving, straight, cis husband. We've been together for 14 years. He knows about the nonbinary bit, but this is a whole new dimension. I dread the conversation I must have with him so much, and I feel so guilty for what I'm doing to him. This is tearing me up at the moment.

I suppose I'll be lurking a lot initially.

Oh, yeah, I thought I'd try how Adrian works as a name for me.

Adrian
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Safe passage on your path, popcorn?

Izzy

Hi, Adrian, and welcome.

You've come to the right place! You'll find that people get what you're going through (whatever it is, someone has likely been there) and are very supportive and helpful. It really does feel like a family here.

Hello Adrian and welcome to Susan's.

Thanks everyone

Hello Adrian! You and I are in almost the same boat. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to chat. I'll have to figure out how this site works first...

I've broken the ice and am in an ongoing discussion with my husband. Spoiler alert: outlook not looking good. But everyone's different.  Try not to feel guilty for being you.

Thank you, Gothic! I'm sorry that things are difficult with your husband I hope you can sort this out together!

I came out as nonbinary to mine a few weeks back and be was OK with that. But to have a masculine presenting wife is a wholly different matter than suddenly being married to a guy I'm afraid.

Hi Adrian,

You're not alone! I kind of figured myself out at age 38! I'm 44 now, married to my husband of 24 years. For me, just having everyone accept me as genderfluid/androgynous is enough. My soul is definitely male. I've had issues all my life with my gender but finally fit all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together at this later age. I've even asked myself am I two spirited!! I have been accepted by all. I feel that to actually transition to male for me would be far too much for me. I have health issues so I'd have far too many complications.

Sometimes I want to scream when people only see female in me and I want to shout "Hey don't you see who I really am?"

I guess just being able to wear my boy clothes, aftershaves etc etc is ok for me.

It's not easy being like this but having people around me who I can chat to about it really helps.

I got this account on this site in February and I've only just began to use it. So if you need someone to chat with then please message me any time.

My male name is Andy 

Hi Andy, thank you! It's great having support from you guys.

I talked to my husband today and I'm a complete mess now. I feel like I destroyed the only stronghold that I had . He didn't say it, but I feel he'd never be able to love me as a guy.

It's great that you have been able to sort of carve out a place for yourself!

Hi Adrian,  welcome to the club. It's great you have worked it out. I am the same. Worked it out but now got to work out how to integrate it to my life. It's not easy but better than getting sick. I still can't work it out but counselling helps. Wish I could go back in the box sometimes but that's not a possibility. The stress is an on and off thing but I need it to go so I can live a good life. You have my support. Jx

Thank you, Jennifer

Hi Adrian

You are not alone. I am in a very good marriage. I'm a wife, mother, daughter, sister! No matter how I try and present myself I am still female to them all. Yet I couldn't live without that! I am happy in those roles. Yet the boy inside me is somewhat invisible. Some days this is very tough, other days I'm fine just dressing as I do.. (not feminine at all) and just being "me". Generally I cope with it.

My soul is male, yet I doubt I'd make it in a male world. The thought scares me. I'd still want to go to the ladies bathroom/changing rooms lol

I'm femininely male! I'd hate to have bulging muscles and I'd hate facial hair! So I guess that's why i'd never really want to transition to male.

hope I'm making sense.

Hello suitsme, yes, you're making perfect sense! Maybe going down the "androgynous" road will be enough for me. But I'm really yearning for the muscle, the male facial features, the deeper voice... So I suspect it'll be hard. I know I'll have to compromise, and so will my husband. Right now I feel I'd die if this marriage were to fall apart. But I have the same feeling about not being able to transition. Time will tell. I have to remind myself to take things step by step.

Yes take it slowly, I tend to fluctuate with my thoughts and I'm not sure if it's how I've found my way to cope or if it's truly how I feel about myself.

Some days (in fact a lot of days) I'll see a guy out there or on TV and wish I looked just like he does! I want the deeper voice and I really want people to see me as male... but not a butch male with rippling muscles.

I cope by just being androgynous. Even if I lived alone I couldn't transition. I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome which is a connective tissue disease (genetic) and my collagen is faulty and this affects my whole system. Transitioning would do me a lot of harm.

What I've found is that as I'm getting older, I want to rid myself of more feminine things that I once enjoyed! Sometimes when I've made an effort to wear a feminine top I can't go through the day with it on as I feel so yuk! At least my family understand because when I complain and go change we make lots of humour about it all. I've actually thrown all the fem tops I had away!!

I'm male... I know it. But I have learned to cope in the body I have and like you I wouldn't want my marriage to end. I couldn't give that up for anything. (I have a very understanding hubby though as our marriage isn't your everyday marriage... because of how I am, if you get what I mean)

Since 2008 when I first outed with my gender issue I have seen how I have changed. Slowly but I've changed so much, all for the better. I think nothing at looking in the guys section for clothes now and buying aftershave!

You can always message me any time if you need someone who understands to talk with. I'm on this site not only to get support but also to give it, to anyone who needs an understanding ear.

Hi Adrian!

You come to the right place! You will find a lot of support and people happy to answer and share any comments or questions you may have!!!

I was in the same place than you a couple of years ago, I was worried my transition would end my marriage, but i was lucky to have a really understanding and caring spouse! you may be surprised, sometimes love is enough to survive this type of challenges!!

Good luck!!!

I know I keep saying this, but thank you -it's so good to meet people who "get it" and who have faced the things I'm facing.

My husband has gone through quite a bit with me, all that doubt I've always felt about myself (although I was super successful in repressing it had anything to do with my gender), my mysterious "illnesses" over the past few years. He has never once failed me or let me down.