Hi there! Another burst of posts from me before I spontaneously hibernate into shyness again.

So... this HAS to be decision time as this is driving me nuts. I need to know where I'm going and need to make a peace with who I am and what decisions I will take. I can't seem to be able to make a decision or come to peace with any of my trans related issues. I'm running out of time and patience and energy. Nothing makes sense.

To sum up briefly: I'm biologically male, attracted sexually to women, yet emotionally I need to feel desired by girls and guys as a feminine/female person. My identity is fluid/queer/bi-gender (I'm a mixture of both genders that fluctuate in their ratio. I love my genitalia and deep voice. But I hate my male figure, coarse skin, body hair, fat distribution and I hate the inability to express emotions properly. I enjoy being male as long as I can date girls and be my own version of "male", and this version of male is essentially a feminine to the point of female, yet just stopping short. So technically I don't identify with being male, certainly not cisnormative, and yet at the same time I don't feel assigned to a female gender either. I feel like I'm lesbian tomboy who's been born in a male body. Initially I've found this to be great fun and perfect for my sexuality, but at the same time my identity as male doesn't feel right. So I'm constantly trapped in-between feeling good as being male because of having a penis, and yet hating being male because it doesn't fit my identity. I like playing with the toys of manhood but don't want to have to be a man, if you see what I mean.


I have to come to terms with what path I should take. Currently I won't even do electrolysis because I don't want to ruin my chances of dating. I'm scared to take even a low-dose HRT because of the fertility destruction, especially as I must have at least one child. I want to eradicate my body hair but am afraid to because I feel that I'm hurting my body. Every thing I want to do is tempered with another equally powerfully feeling to not do it. So I'm completely stuck, going round in circles, grounded in-between these two floors. Every feeling I'm certain of has an opposing feeling that I'm also certain of. And this causes perpetual decision inertia. I can't seem to just emotionally stick to one decision and come to terms with it. Even with therapy, this all feels so explosive and tempestuous in my heart and mind. Like two raging seas of hot and cold currents meeting to form a storm.

I'm also tired of dating women, but I can't help fancying women. I'm fed up with having to be the man, to be the ugly, balding, hairy, emotionally confused beast of the relationship. It makes me feel so jealous, despite my simultaneous attraction and appreciation for female lovers. I feel like my only purpose as a man is to be a sperm donor for that once or twice time, and to lift luggage on occasion. And yet I feel defensive about my birth sex because I feel its all I have, as my feminine identity is unappreciated and ignored. So I need to defend it. I feel disgust for being who I am. I feel this residual need to stand up and be manly, damn it, for my parents, for my social standing, etc.


So I watch my self decay and masculinise mostly just for the pursuit of those few seconds worth of sex with a woman which occur every so often. It make me jealous that women get deeper orgasms, bodies more suited to our modern way of life, freedom of expression, freedom of emotion, the ability to create and nurture a new life inside of them. As a male I have always felt jilted and ripped-off by this. I feel that because of our patriarchial society, being a woman can be harder socially and financially, but yet women's lives can be ultimately more fulfilling and whole. I'd prefer life that's more worthwhile even if its harder. Besides, when genuine gender equality finally arrives - women could have the upperhand for the first time ever. Women will be better suited to our technological age, better looking, longer living, more collaborative, etc etc. The female sex will definitely be the winning team. I increasingly don't see the point in staying fully biologically male due to my gender identity leanings, experiences and understanding of how females may well become the dominant sex in society in decades to come.

But... sex with women and having kids. That's what stops me. And the thought process goes full circle and begins again. Trying to rationalise. Trying to understand. To find a solution and an absolution.   

I've rambled towards the end, it just sort of spilled out. It feels like a pressure cooker inside my head, gets harder to regulate the outbursts. Thanks for reading. Any ideas or suggestions, or thoughts on what I've written please?

Stella, hugs.

I know you are looking for a solution, have you been seeing a gender therapist? The reason I ask is that these are some of the issues they can help you sort out over time.

From my personal experience Gender Therapists (good ones) are one venue another is group therapy. Group is valuable to me because most everyone there I can associate with them something about myself and their issues are my issues, mostly. I see some of the strongest and bravest people at group. There are some who are so inspiring and are like a light. They have survived what few have and show the way.

Just some thoughts, hope it helps.

I definitely see where you're coming from. It's kind of like being in a different dimension of gender/social standing that no one can understand besides yourself.

I'm kind of going through a similar situation myself where I do find myself attracted to women but in a very non-masculine way. It's odd, but it's the only thing that feels right.

How do you feel on like a day to day basis?

Like, when you're eating lunch or just watching TV, how would you want your life to be different during the mundane moments?

That's the question I've been asking myself a lot lately to see how I really feel as far as my biological and mental feelings go.

(Also, the questions they make you answer before posting are sometimes completely ridiculous, lol, right?)

Stella,

I started electo while I was steadily dating someone.  It's not that big an issue.  Try that first and see where that leads you, you may get a better feel for your dichotomous feelings.

You need to try doing something to stop spinning your wheels so to speak.