Ativan,
   You are beautiful.
j

no matter how many naps i take, i still cant recover from the draining

but that's the mistake you make.
naps will only drain you more.

go for a brisk walk, in the woods if there are any near you.
in broad daylight.
leaving all your worries behind, because they can't catch up with you out there.
going to a gym also helps if you're me.

physical exertion is the only healthy way of draining your energy. and when it's drained that way, you'll sleep better, and recover your energy faster.

(if you're a bird, try flying instead of walking)

翼をください used to be have so much meaning, but now I have my wings. Here is to hoping everyone finds their wings.

haha, i'm not a bird, i'm a demon for my wings are jet black and dragon like. i dont take afternoon naps just for the heck of it, my body just collapses and i can barely keep my eyes open. maybe its the sunlight because n cloudy days and dark rainy days, i'm usually up and about

it's the sun!
i would be sleeping all day every day in summer, if it weren't too hot and sunny already before summer started. kind of got used to the weather.
but i'll collapse on sunny days in any other year.
taking a walk before the nap would still be considered healthy.
drink enough water.
etc.

so you're some sort of dragon?

dragon like meaning wing spam and power. my wings are like a rorschach, jet black like the dark sky and who ever looks at them sees something different. think of those moths with those hypnotic patterns on their wings. its sorta like that. dosent matter whether its summer winter spring or fall, the if the sun is out, i'm compelled to sleep until it gets darker outside

so you're not a dragon. phew... (i don't get along with those too well)
i'm also no good with sunny days, usually i'll walk around in a daze only waking up by nightfall. or after 9pm in summer, it's not like we have nights between may and august.

but this year there have been only sunny days since... uh.. can't even remember. the rainy days are so rare here right now that i've simply gotten used to the sun. in this arctic region i live in, we even had higher temperatures than down by the mediterranean for a few weeks. giving up and going to bed kind of ended very early on this summer.

i like the color of your wings.

It takes more effort to stay in a trough of despair and darkness...
Than it does to ride up the wave of happiness into the light.
Rise to the top where flying is as easy as,..
Just letting go.
Ativan

so a moment ago i felt this familiar ping. i was cutting up some lettuce and i looked at the blade and i nearly went dizzy from breathing to fast. i'm not depressed or anything but looking at it, i sorta felt that feeling i know all to well radiating up my entire arm.

So last weekend, I felt this familiar feeling...
I looked down at my arm, and saw the blood pulsing out of a puncture wound.
Feeling the adrenaline still flowing from the rush of hitting a hole in the water that took me down into a chest high slam of a wave to my body,
I felt that all to familiar feeling of being hit, a lucky shot from a firefight, the burn of a bullet ripping through my flesh...
The pain meant nothing to me as it radiated up my arm and neck, the rush of adrenaline made me laugh.
The blood mixing with the water still running down my arm as well, it bled for a time, but time had stood still.
I was to busy watching for the next hole to slam into, because I couldn't let go of the moment, the clarity of riding near my death...
Sure, I was bleeding and it reminded me of a time long ago, when that moment had also stuck in my head.
And it was a good fifteen minutes before I had the time to stop and really take a look at it.
I knew it for what it was, the reality of what I was doing, pushing ever closer to the edge, the one that could be the last...
It was a small price to pay for being happy, knowing I was pumping ever more blood with every move to counter each new wave...
It didn't matter, wave after wave washed it away, just like the happiness washed away the remembrance of one of the times long past.
I took the next wave and rode it for all it was worth, the pure joy of being happy, cheating my old friend death out of yet another chance.
Ativan

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on August 26, 2014, 10:05:45 PM
So last weekend, I felt this familiar feeling...
I looked down at my arm, and saw the blood pulsing out of a puncture wound.
Feeling the adrenaline still flowing from the rush of hitting a hole in the water that took me down into a chest high slam of a wave to my body,
I felt that all to familiar feeling of being hit, a lucky shot from a firefight, the burn of a bullet ripping through my flesh...
The pain meant nothing to me as it radiated up my arm and neck, the rush of adrenaline made me laugh.
The blood mixing with the water still running down my arm as well, it bled for a time, but time had stood still.
I was to busy watching for the next hole to slam into, because I couldn't let go of the moment, the clarity of riding near my death...
Sure, I was bleeding and it reminded me of a time long ago, when that moment had also stuck in my head.
And it was a good fifteen minutes before I had the time to stop and really take a look at it.
I knew it for what it was, the reality of what I was doing, pushing ever closer to the edge, the one that could be the last...
It was a small price to pay for being happy, knowing I was pumping ever more blood with every move to counter each new wave...
It didn't matter, wave after wave washed it away, just like the happiness washed away the remembrance of one of the times long past.
I took the next wave and rode it for all it was worth, the pure joy of being happy, cheating my old friend death out of yet another chance.
Ativan

Poetry, scary poetry, but beautiful
Thanks,
Julie

Ativan

I love the way that you find and enjoy the 'edge',  that point between safety and disaster. It is probably the most alive, most focused that you can feel.  Riding a wave, diving deep into a cave, lying on the sand next to a large ray or a shark, riding at your limit and that of your bike.. All good, all enervating and each precious reminders of what it is to live life to the fullest and to stare down your fears.  Now getting back to our daily lives as non binary - not so different when we push to the edge of our comfort zone, growth, confidence and greater self expression and authenticity are the result.  Love the allegory.

Safe travels

Aisla

i actually feel cold, like that type of numbness that you get when someone close to you dies and crying would only proves that they are gone. i'm not an emotional person for i see emotions as mundane and useless as they only prove to get in my way or cause me to become weak and unable to survive, but this is just idk what to call it. like i've fet numb and cold before but this is just...idk what to call it. as well as yesterday,i actually sat down and played with my little niece, which i tend to be distant with her for her own good really because kids have the tendency to gravitate towards those who they feel more of an attachment to besides their parents. whenever i'm not around, she questions why i am not there or whenever i am there she tries to get my attention and for the first time i actually held her which i'm crucifying myself to this minute that i just went against my principles. its frustrating really

Emotions aren't a sign a weakness, they are a sign of being human - nothing more, nothing less.

To be emotionally numb means one is essentially delaying the inevitable. A mind's defense mechanism, from past or recent trauma, there may be too many overwhelming events in your current situation. As a result, your mind protects itself by shutting off emotional feelings until you are ready to deal with it later or more alarmingly, when you are not ready at all. The mind can be a tricky little creature like that.

I have been emotionally numb in the past. I used it as a defense mechanism because I felt feeling numb was better than feeling emotions. Yes, I once viewed emotions as insignificant and a hindrance to my ability to cope with the world and other people. I learned the hard way that I was wrong. Oh, so wrong. In the end, I was running away from my problems and only further delaying the inevitable. Sooner or later, I would have to confront the problem otherwise I would be stuck in an endless cycle of switching my emotions off, suddenly to deal with the flooding of intense emotions hitting me all at once when I least expected it - only to rinse and repeat like nothing had happened.   

Please do not repeat the same mistake I have. It is denial and being stubborn at its worst possible state.

Seriously, without emotions, you live your life as a mindless drone of society.
Willing to use you for anything society wants, never mind you, you have no emotions...
Think you're fighting back against it? Think twice about that, that's an emotion.
No emotions, you won't be hurt? Bull. It leaves you wide open without any defense at all.
How absolutely boring and lifeless living without emotions must be.
You're not earthbound, you're bound to nothingness, emptiness.
A principal of nothing but empty space, one that even lacks the sky you wish to fly in.
Sounds harsh? You should turn around and look at how hard your so called principal is making life for you...

No joy, but your niece loves you and is trying to tell you that...
People here are concerned for you, and yet you keep on posting about how hard it is to be you, that's pure emotion.
Principles? What is the endgame of that one? To be a robotized drone, napping on a couch all day?
Scared that you'll be recognized as human after all?
Guess what,... that's exactly what everyone thinks, they have no idea that you have a principle that you define them with as well...

How very sad and pitiful you are to deny your emotions to a little girl who looks for you when you're not there.
And yet you continually cry out in pain, an emotional state, and then deny it, claiming it to be against it...
A principal? That's not a principal, that's just being scared to face life, the very problem you repeatedly claim to be having.

You open your last comment with the very word, feel in the opening salvo of your flimsy excuse, a principal, to do nothing with your life.
Your entire comment is one long emotional plea, and you try to deny that you have emotions?
That's exactly what you wrote, but it is filled with negative emotions, something you deny as having, yet write fluently about having them...
Wake up and smell the fricken love being thrown at you from humanity, something you can't escape by claiming to be some fantasy vampire.
You don't get to claim to be all sad and earthbound, needing to fly but, oh so sad, you lost your wings...  A Very emotional plea...
You can't have it both ways, and the only thing your denying is the up side of emotions and crying that you have to wallow in the downside.

Because your principals aren't about not having emotions, it's a denial, that you won't accept that you have better emotions, the ones we all crave and look forward to.
The ones you wallow in are a part of your principals? To wallow in despair for your principals of not wanting, needing, using emoitions?
Wake up and look around you, life for you is tough because you refuse to use the very thing you see to your salvation.

Happiness, love, the ability to enjoy that when a little girl freely gives it to you and you turn your back on it.
Just like you do here, time after time. That is why I said you suck those emotions out of others.
It's tireing to keep handing them to you and having you throw them away time after time.
But guess what? There is an unlimited supply of those, and a very limited supply of negative unfulfilling emotions.
The good wins the day, takes the battle, has won the war. Quit pretending to be a loser in it.

Get up and live your life like it is going to be taken away, because that's not all that far away from anyone, at anytime.

The saddest thing I see in this world are the people who don't have the opportunity to live a good life.
But sadder still are those who do and throw it away.

That is a principal that you are living, not one of not needing emotions, but one of throwing them away.
Throwing away the very thing you sit and wallow around wishing you had.
Get up and grab ahold of life, not that thing that you call a principal, which is nothing more than being frightened to face life.

Even your little niece does a better job at living than you do with this so called principal.
And look at how much she wants to share that with you.
Your so called principal is the worst excuse I know of to not have a life worth living.
And you know it's true, you fail to initiate the very first and easiest step to living.
Accepting and facing your emotions, just like everyone else does, everyday, every minute.
Because that is the very core of life itself. To deny it, is to deny the very core of existence.
How much more selfish can you possibly be to yourself? Life goes on. Everywhere.
Your still standing at the station, wallowing in self pity because your principals told you not to get on the train of life.
Standing there and staring down the tracks until they converge into a point that disappears as well.
You missed one train, don't miss the next one life sends for you.
Ativan

i used to think of emotions as a hindrance, but after reading lots of stuff here, i'm thinking the emotions aren't really the problem, it's how they're expressed by my body that's the real problem. being touched by whichever movie or story isn't actually quite nice, but i really wish those tears wouldn't start falling for almost no reason at all. it almost feels like it's a different person from me that's expressing my feelings. i wonder why.