Hi everyone,

I've been lurking on this site for a few months, joined in February and just decided to introduce myself.

I'm biologically female.

I grew up enjoying playing around with the boys rather than the girls, I was a tomboy, I felt at ease until puberty totally singled me out! I then felt strange, alone and "not right". In high school I used to hang around the music rooms and shut myself away from the groups of girls talking about their boyfriends etc and felt most at ease just escaping and playing the piano in the practice rooms, chatting to anyone who cared to join me about music!

I left school, met my husband, got married, had the white, satin and lace dress with all the flowers, the long curly hair etc etc.... after the wedding I went back to work, had my hair cut short and bought a suit (lol) a pattern like this followed me all my life, rebelling against my femininity and wanting to ditch it and be more "me"!

This continued until I was 38, when I was wondering about my sexuality. I had a crisis and started to identify as bisexual but the idea of me being female with a woman didn't feel right at all! I joined support groups and realised I was very much male on the inside... a male soul... whatever. I began to identify as bigender/two spirited/genderfluid/androgynous ... so many labels! so much confusion!

My family are all aware of my issues and have accepted me and I've dealt with it using humour as I deal with everything that way.

Transitioning to male would not be an option for me as I have health issues that would cause complications.

I wear boy clothes, aftershave etc etc but the older I get the more I hate being recognised as female, I hate my bumps and curves, the high pitched voice etc etc  When I was in my mid 20s I tried to diet away the curves and ended up almost anorexic with still the same shape!! I'm sure a lot would understand that one!

I'm not butch and wouldn't want to be... I am masculinely fem.... but also see myself as a fem guy.   Some people see me as some kind of dyke/butch lesbian and though I have no problems with butch lesbians or dykes, this is NOT how I am. I'm just trying to express the invisible side... the male... which is very difficult to do in a female body, without coming across as lesbian.

Sexuality.... again this is so confusing as I love the fem guys, I also love the masculine women.... those people who look androgynous. But in a female body this is a mind mash. I think I've shut down sexually, I guess I should be called bi-romantic rather than bisexual.

This whole gender issue mixed up with sexuality issues is a total mind mash but I'm still on the journey of self discovery I guess. One thing I do know is that my spirit is definitely male! Perhaps a gender switch would be fantastic. Switch to male then back female if I wanted to. The question is would I want to switch it back to female? possibly not.

Anyway thank you for reading my insane ramblings... if anyone would like to message me, please feel free. I'm here to support people as well as look for support.

Have a nice day. 

Suitsme
Welcome to Susan's family 
Well you are at the right place for sure.
You will find others who can help and advise on matters you hold at heart.
My husband is a transman and i know the struggles. Seems harder for them then our side of the spectrum.
I see you said you went to support groups, have you talked with a gender therapist?

Well in the mean time pull up a chair and give a look over the following links for the site info...

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Safe passage on your path, popcorn?

Izzy

Welcome to Susan's, suitsme.

I don't think there was anything insane about the things you've shared here. It just seems like there's a whole lot of labels that it sounds like really confuse you. Don't let those define you, only describe you.

Whatever the future holds for you, I hope you will find the self-expression that can bring you peace. I look forward to seeing you around!

Hi Hon and welcome! Hope to see you in the Non-Binary Forum along with myself and other like minded folks, lots of good reads there that you could probably identify with.

Hi Izzy, nice to meet you. Thank you for the welcome. I haven't seen a gender therapist. I think because I have other health issues I push the gender issue to the back of the queue and trundle along as best I can. Part of me is afraid too that a therapist might just bring out what I already know deep down and then I'd have to deal with it since it would be brought to the fore. I'm not ready yet, if that is to happen. I doubt I'd ever be ready. At the moment I just keep trying to figure it all out alone. I'm glad to have found this place. To actually be able to communicate with understanding people is a Godsend. I'm looking forwards to communicating with you all and getting to know people on here. Thanks again 

Hi Jera, nice to meet you. Thanks for the welcome and thanks for your understanding. Yes, far too many labels just add to the confusion! I look forwards to seeing you around too. 

Hi Shan, Nice to meet you and thanks for the welcome. I will definitely have a look in the Non Binary forum. Thanks for pointing it out. I look forward to meeting everyone there.

Only you know for sure what you need to do for yourself. That said, a therapist will almost certainly bring these things closer to the surface. That's what they're supposed to do, if you want them to help you deal with it. Because they really do help you deal with it, and help you sort out whatever solution might work best for you. That doesn't have to be any kind of transition. Any therapist worth their salt is going to be completely nonjudgmental about anything you would ever feel like saying, too.

The longer you don't do anything about the dysphoria, the worse it becomes. I've yet to see anyone say it did anything but get worse over time, left untreated. It's certainly taken me to some very, very dark places.

If you do go it alone, please please be careful. Always know that there are a lot of very good people here, and somebody's usually willing to help at just about any time of the day. Reach out, for whatever reason, and somebody somewhere will reach back.

These really are wonderful people here.

Well just take everything as it can be done. Small steps are better then no steps.

Sometime health issues are a direct result of GD and once addressed will or can help with these issues.

Body has a funny way to deal with inner pain.

So yes therapy is hard but once you start it is like opening up your world.

So again, little steps and later those steps will get larger and larger.

We all walk a path outlined for us i feel and in that path will be all kinds of obstetrical's, it is up to us to remove them so we can continue to walk the path of life.

Hugs

Thank you so much for your kindness and support It means such a lot.