I have 3 sisters.

One accepted me with open arms.

One is married to a guy that told me that we need to stone gay people, yet she has remained civilized about her treatment of me. She has told me that I'm not welcome as Ashley that she will not let her newborn daughter know me as Ashley, yet she's left it at that. We are still talking. I'm concerned that because of her husband and the fact that she is so submissive to the person she's married to (she's been married twice and I've known her as 3 separate people one for each marriage as well as herself) it will never get any better.

The other has continuously tried to tell me she isn't rejecting me, but she will not let her 9 year old son know about me being Ashley. Every time the issue comes up, she twists it in a bad way. Tells me that I'm sinning and I embarrass her because she's the pastor's wife. (Her husband is a unpaid youth pastor that hasn't lifted a finger to make a dime for his family in over 10 years.) She's abusive and judgmental. She tells me its ok because she has lesbian friends. However she doesn't accept their choice or mine. I told her its not a choice this is who I am. Today I told her I had enough. I blocked and removed her on Facebook. I told her don't ever contact me again unless your willing to accept me for who I am and everything that goes with that acceptance including the fact that its not a choice.

At the end of the day I realized I haven't been this mistreated by anyone since high school. I graduated in 2000. I refuse to be treated this way by anyone. I'm really frustrated because it didn't have to be this way. I kept telling her that transgender is not in the bible. That my sister's divorce and remarriage is in the bible, yet we no longer accept that part of the bible. I even asked her who is she to decide which parts of the bible to listen to or even make up?

The part that really pisses me off is that I've never been more well treated by every other person in my life ever. I'm used to being treated like crap and rejected. I can't even comprehend how every random person I pass in the neighborhood can be so awesome, yet my own sister treats me like ->-bleeped-<-.

Hiya Ashley

Family can be very funny about all of this.  My sister is full-on supportive to my face, yet my mother tells me that she's recently seen tantrums from my sister relating to my transition.  And both my sister and her husband have this batty idea that telling my really small nephews about me would leave them traumatised. 

Putting aside the religion and sinning bit, which I think is simply crazy, I think it's incredibly difficult to understand what's going on in a hostile family member's head, or to be able to develop a positive strategy to counteract it.  Disappointment, social embarrasment, revulsion are all things that people deal with in different ways.  It's much easier to reject than to look at onesself and reevaluate one's prejudices, and it's my opinion that many people are phychologically and intellectually incapable of analysing and putting aside their prejudices.

I know you are hurt, but rather than burn bridges we should just try to drop the barriers on our side in the hope that the storm will blow over.  I totally get your need to unfriend your sister on FB, but rather than treat it as an act of aggression and exasperation, I hope you will see it as a temporary need for protection.

Sigh, the things that are sent to test us, but be positive that there are still family members who care for you!

Hugs
Julia

Similarly my sister believes her daughter - my niece - shouldn't lose her "uncle" since I've been such a great "male" role model for her and therefore may not tell her for years let alone let me see her. I'm still hopeful I can swing her around on this. Sadly there is not a lot we can do to change people's minds except live our life to the fullest and still be there for them when they come to their senses.

Sorry Ashley, it shouldn't be like that, but it always is with families. Hope you will be well and cope with it gracefully, no yelling, screaming or drama, let them do all that. Eventually they will get over it once they realize that they have alienated you to the point that you no longer come around, no longer even acknowledge that they are alive and then perhaps they will have a change of heart. You have to take care of Ashley and move on with your transition and your life. Family can be too toxic and emotionally manipulative to remain close to until their hearts turn back again toward you.

I'm hoping it isn't permanent, but I was hard on her because its important for her to know how serious I am. Even though I gave her a list of requirements and told her she has to comply with all of them, I'm not going to hold her to all of them. We'll see how far she's willing to go, but n the meantime I refuse to be mis-treated.

You know, people do come round... life is too long to go through all of it standing on some weird principles whose only result is that people you once loved need to stay away.  Some stews need to cook for an awfully long time to get tender.

My goal for next week when I see my sister and her husband will be to remain dignified, calm, and non-accusatory throughout, to at least leave as many of the bridges intact as possible.  It will be hard, since what I really want to do is give him the kind of multi-handed slaps that you see Obelix metering out to Roman legionaries ( ), but I will control myself, and if we don't advance, I will gather myself up and leave.

But on a BRIGHTER NOTE, sisters, people DO come round.  A few months ago a friend of mine did something unspeakably transphobic and I had no choice but to break off all contact.  Last week he called.  We met for dinner.  We talked. He realised what he'd done and asked that we put it behind us, which we have now done.  It is possible.

Unfortunately things have only gotten worse. I woke up this morning with a message from my other sister who's rejected me. She is mad at me for my actions regarding my other sister. She's not being as nearly nasty about it as the other, but still. Its bad enough that I lost most of my day yesterday being unable to focus on anything. Then I get to start this day with that.

Its odd. When I was growing up I was rejected by the world. People hated me and yet I could always come home to my sisters. Now I'm rejected by two of my sisters and accepted by the world.

I'm also uncertain as to how this can improve. They are making a religious stand. How do you correct someone's misguided religious beliefs? I was taught Jesus and love. Love is something I've struggled with, but at least I know that's what the deal is. My sister's don't get it. I'm concerned they never will. Especially with the one being married to a guy that says stone all the gays.

Quote from: awilliams1701 on August 31, 2014, 12:12:51 PM
I'm also uncertain as to how this can improve. They are making a religious stand. How do you correct someone's misguided religious beliefs? I was taught Jesus and love. Love is something I've struggled with, but at least I know that's what the deal is. My sister's don't get it. I'm concerned they never will. Especially with the one being married to a guy that says stone all the gays.

I'm Christian and know that man's comment and attitude is 180 degrees out from that of Jesus. Too bad so many so called "religious" types exert so much energy giving Jesus a black eye just to make us feel miserable and unloved. It will come back on them in spades eventually.

Quote from: awilliams1701 on August 30, 2014, 05:56:59 PM
I have 3 sisters.

One accepted me with open arms.

One is married to a guy that told me that we need to stone gay people, yet she has remained civilized about her treatment of me. She has told me that I'm not welcome as Ashley that she will not let her newborn daughter know me as Ashley, yet she's left it at that. We are still talking. I'm concerned that because of her husband and the fact that she is so submissive to the person she's married to (she's been married twice and I've known her as 3 separate people one for each marriage as well as herself) it will never get any better.

The other has continuously tried to tell me she isn't rejecting me, but she will not let her 9 year old son know about me being Ashley. Every time the issue comes up, she twists it in a bad way. Tells me that I'm sinning and I embarrass her because she's the pastor's wife. (Her husband is a unpaid youth pastor that hasn't lifted a finger to make a dime for his family in over 10 years.) She's abusive and judgmental. She tells me its ok because she has lesbian friends. However she doesn't accept their choice or mine. I told her its not a choice this is who I am. Today I told her I had enough. I blocked and removed her on Facebook. I told her don't ever contact me again unless your willing to accept me for who I am and everything that goes with that acceptance including the fact that its not a choice.

At the end of the day I realized I haven't been this mistreated by anyone since high school. I graduated in 2000. I refuse to be treated this way by anyone. I'm really frustrated because it didn't have to be this way. I kept telling her that transgender is not in the bible. That my sister's divorce and remarriage is in the bible, yet we no longer accept that part of the bible. I even asked her who is she to decide which parts of the bible to listen to or even make up?

The part that really pisses me off is that I've never been more well treated by every other person in my life ever. I'm used to being treated like crap and rejected. I can't even comprehend how every random person I pass in the neighborhood can be so awesome, yet my own sister treats me like ->-bleeped-<-.

Glad I'm an only child.

I learned a long time ago that being christian means exactly two things. Believing in Jesus and Loving everyone. I've had trouble loving everyone, but I think I've done well. I wish more people could see it that way. My dad brought up the fact that when Jesus said let he who is without sin throw the first stone. Jesus was the only one and he didn't throw any stones. Instead we live in a society where christianity means hating people who don't adhere to a twisted interpretation of a politically translated version of the bible (king james).

Quote from: Shantel on August 31, 2014, 12:17:27 PM
I'm Christian and know that man's comment and attitude is 180 degrees out from that of Jesus. Too bad so many so called "religious" types exert so much energy giving Jesus a black eye just to make us feel miserable and unloved. It will come back on them in spades eventually.

Actually while that's true, its not nearly as true as it used to be even 10 years ago. However Christians and religious people in general are more resistant than non religious or atheists. I've actually noticed that more often than not atheists are better people than Christians.

Quote from: awilliams1701 on August 31, 2014, 01:33:47 PM
Actually while that's true, its not nearly as true as it used to be even 10 years ago. However Christians and religious people in general are more resistant than non religious or atheists. I've actually noticed that more often than not atheists are better people than Christians.

Sadly so at times, I'll not dispute that hon!

I know the crud that you are going through all too well. My close family are the only ones who actually have a "real" problem with me transitioning. The sad thing is that society sees me as a woman, I'm out at work and 99.9% of the people there treat me well and I work with around 400 people every day, when I came out on facebook my relatives all accepted me and have kept in contact with me but It's still just my parents, sister & brother in law who don't want my niece and nephew finding out about me but they will see and be around me as long as the kids aren't there.

I don't know why they still feel the way they do as they have seen me transform from being a 100% socially withdrawn, morbidly depressed and unknown to them at the time highly suicidal man to being one of the happiest, talkative, nice and wonderful woman who is no longer depressed or suicidal and actually can't be shut up because I'm so talkative now Even so they are worried that I'll "taint" the kids with my transgenderness and somehow force the kids into thinking that they are transgender.

It's very painful to deal with but I can only move forward even if that means I will have limited contact with my close family that I care about the most in this world. If they don't want me around because I'm so awful then I will find a place where I am loved and wanted and I have found that in the multitudes of friends & supporters that I have met over the last 10 months of my life.

sounds a lot like me, except its only about half of my immediate family. I've been withdrawn and isolated my whole life. I'm hoping things might change when I start HRT, but who knows.

Quote from: awilliams1701 on August 31, 2014, 06:48:50 PM
I've been withdrawn and isolated my whole life. I'm hoping things might change when I start HRT, but who knows.

You should feel so much better when you start HRT! I knew transitioning was the right thing for me to do after one week of being on HRT at half the dose that I am on now. It solved many of the dysphoria and anxiety problems that I had and as time has gone on I have gotten so much better because of it. Like anything it just takes time. Keep your head up, you are the only one who truly knows who you are and even as painful as it is dealing with all of the issues there is hope in the future.

I really understand what you are going through Ashley!  I have lost contact with my two children, their mother, my father, ad to varying degrees my sister.  It is just the two of us and she never married.  My son is married with a child, (guess I'm a grandmother!) that I've never been told about, but learned through FB.  As far as I know my daughter is still single, but they all see me as an abomination and a sinner.  Fair enough, though it hurts like hell, I can accept that.  Unfortunately, they were raised as conservative Christians and I guess I truly was.  I always struggled with my identity until I was finally caught crossdressed.  That opened my eyes!!

But what is worse is that my dad has now told me that I have taken away that joy he felt when he was passing out cigars and gum after his son was born.  He has accused me of lying to him when I divorced after 27 years as far as the reason goes.  So I haven't spoken to him in 5 months.  My sister on the other hand told me that she has no sister, but then expresses anger when mention of my last trip to my hometown happened that "we didn't get together" and says that as long as we text or email each other she is fine but she can't speak to me because all she hears on the phone is her brother.  Well - NEWS FLASH - he's gone and you have a sister whether you can accept her or not.

Bottom-line, I agree families are the hardest!  I work in an industrial setting in a very conservative area and I am better treated by strangers than my own flesh ans blood.

I hope that your relationships improve and everything I have experienced is just an anomaly!  Sarah

I've never understood the need to overly gender a child at birth. As long as a diaper is on, you can't tell the difference. Wouldn't he pass out cigars anyway even if you had been born a girl? At the end of the day he was celebrating the life of his child. It shouldn't matter what sex it is.

Quote from: awilliams1701 on September 01, 2014, 12:51:45 PM
I've never understood the need to overly gender a child at birth. As long as a diaper is on, you can't tell the difference. Wouldn't he pass out cigars anyway even if you had been born a girl? At the end of the day he was celebrating the life of his child. It shouldn't matter what sex it is.

Right on!

My god, three sisters? I would feel somehow like I got messed over. But seriously, take it from someone who could care less what anyone thinks oof me, be thankful for the one sister that accepts and loves you.

As for your brother-in-law, give him a stone and ask him to throw it at you, but have a stone of your own too. Because, it sounds really cliche' and kind of stupid, but we all live in glass houses. Usually hon, when people think and say stupid things like that, there are way more skeletons in their closet and it is nothing more than cheap talk. Usually they are truly what they speak the loudest against. I won't go into how I know, but I know.

The only advice that I can give is love the sister that accepts you and the others that don't, just don't accept them. So instead of three sisters, you have one really good and loving sister and forget the rest.