Guess it's time for an update. It's over.
So this month we've been chatting pretty much as normal except for that her replies became fewer and fewer. I kept my distance by eventually just sending good morning mails and just making sure she knew I loved her.
I had suggested a meeting the 16th so that we could talk things over (I misinterpreted what she meant with the counselor thing - she got a letter with a psychiatrist appointment the 25th). She agreed at first but canceled it a few days before. I asked whether it was because meeting would feel bad, or if it was just too much for her. She said it was too much, so I thought I'd just wait for next week or so.
The following week she barely communicated at all. On Friday morning I was just so sad and desperate I sent a mail about how afraid I become when she doesn't talk at all, how I really love her and that I want to meet her so we can talk about everything. She actually replied that we could meet in a park the next day, and I was so happy. After that she started replying to my messages, so I thought things would turn out well.
So I take the train to the town on Saturday, and it's raining quite a bit. I ask her what to do. She suggests that we go to a café instead, so I definitely think things will turn out well now! (I mean, why would anyone break up at a café?)
But when she arrives, she's so emotionally cold to me. I just instinctively try to get a hug, but she's like a rock. I just break down and become a cold, silent rock as well. I just want to disappear. She eventually catches on and suggest we go to another café because it's so crowed. We walk, but halfway there, she asks me what to do and what's wrong. I burst out in tears and tell her I just don't know what's happening, that I feel like I'm invisible, that maybe she'll break up now. She holds me and we decide to go to her place, even though I didn't want that originally because she lives with her mother.
In her room we just sit and cry. Long story short, she tells me she's never imagined herself having sex with a woman and only have fantasies about men, and that the sexual part is important for her. She's repressed this and tried to be a man for most of her life, but now she has realised that she can't keep living like this. That she still loves me, but not in that way.
My reaction, I just wanted to disappear. I felt tricked, and kind of "a tool" to convince her of her being a man, no longer needed. It feels so unfair - now she gets to live the life she wants, and become who she truly is, and I'm left behind by my love. And after all the unclear communication on her part - sometimes as before, saying that a meeting is just "too much" and suggesting a café - I felt even more deceived. Like I always believed more or less that things would resolve in a good way.
She said that she still hopes we can be friends, and I said that I don't think she should count on that. And that's genuinely what I felt, I just never wanted to have anything to do with her again, because I want to love her, not be her friend. She followed me to the bus stop, we stood there, she asked me if I wanted her to leave. I said yes, but it wasn't the whole truth. I did want to be left alone to think, but, I also wanted a hug. I missed her embrace so much. I didn't dare to, or rather, I was so angry, sad and confused, I just couldn't.
When I came home I chatted with her and stuff. Late at night I suggested that we meet sometime in the future, like in a week or month or so. She didn't seem to enthusiastic and of course I felt even more confused (of course my sudden turn regarding friendship was confusing too, but I can't really blame myself after all confusion). We cleared it up a few days later. We both want friendship, and after Sunday I've been pretty ok with how things have turned out. Like, it's sad it became like this, but it's biologically impossible, so why care too much? Looking forward to doing things together as friends.
But this night, I just broke down completely. I've been crying for almost two hours straight. My logical part accepts this outcome, but my emotional doesn't. My logical part wants her to find a good, loving, caring man, but my emotional wants me to be the one she wakes up with every morning. I want her to be a part of my life forever, and the thought that maybe someday I won't have any contact with her breaks my heart. Remembering everything we've done together and wanting to do those things again. Sometimes I'm so sad and angry I never want to speak with her again and throw things at her, sometimes I just wish she was here to hold me.
I wish we can have a true friendship someday, but right now it feels really far away. I don't know if I can ever find someone (and a girl at that too, with my newfound sexual preference) who makes me happy like she did.
Thanks all for your support and farewell
