Well, being honest, I will not start HRT until the 23rd of this month, as that is my final doctors appointment before I start. That said though, even though after seven months of therapy and knowing for sure this is the right thing to do I still find myself going WTF are you doing at times. But then I look back at the miserable person I was before I started this adventure. I think if I wasn't a little scared about transition there would be seriously something wrong with me. Fear is a good thing I think. But with that, conquering that fear is wonderful feeling as each day I become more the person I was meant to be.

Not anymore. A little at the beginning but not now. But as estrogen and anti-androgens calmed me, and began to settle my mind and give me more clarity, I realized I never wanted to be dependent on testosterone ever again.

Now I keep hoping the facial hair will come to its end soon (soon being maybe the next 6 months or so).

Never anymore, but seven years into it I had a major wtf moment, pulled my ear piercings, cut my hair to white sidewalls and a quarter inch on top and lived like that for two years sans testicles until I became very ill and repented for my evil ways and resumed female HRT. I had other issues at the time and was suffering from emotional overload.

I actually feel like I know what I'm doing.  My journey has been very deliberate and too long delayed.  What we don't really know is how this trip will turn out and I have sometimes shocked myself by the changes I have embraced.  Having allowed myself this freedom it feels both wonderful and astonishing how fun it is to be a girl all the time. 

For the first year on HRT i was mostly euphoric and now life is becoming more routine and much of the novelty and celebrity is reduced.  It feels great to be out and even just blend in with other women as no big deal.  We're here, we're queer, get used to it!

Never. Ever.

I wasted enough of my life trying to be something I wasn't. Now I am able to really LIVE for the first time, and I would rather die than face the possibility of losing this.

It's been six years since my doctor diagnosed me as hypogonadic - Low testosterone.

Six months after I started HRT with testosterone, I was growing boobs and feeling very girly.  All this was caused by the conversion of testosterone to estradiol by the agency of the enzyme aromatase.

Through this accident of biochemistry I discovered the wonders of estrogen.  I began adding in Oestrogel and later injections of estradiol valerate.  I then weaned myself off testosterone.

Last Spring I had my free testosterone checked and it was lower than normal for a 65 year old woman.  Pretty close to zero.

I still take a testosterone shot every once in a while.  Healthy people have a mix of estrogen and testosterone.  It's only the relative ratio of hormones that make up male and female.   I believe that transwomen who try to get to zero testosterone are misguided.

I would like to note that when my testosterone was very low and my estrogen in a normal female range, my dysphoria disappeared almost completely.  I felt totally comfortable with my body and my place in society.  For the first time in my life I was comfortable with who I was.   I was just "me" and lacked discomfort with my sex or gender.  I wasn't interested in crossdressing or reading blogs or forums about transsexuality.

I had, however, become somewhat lazy and indolent.  I was sleeping more than I wanted to, and not exercising as much as I thought I should.

I added in some testosterone - just a little bit, and they dysphoria came back, even including a bit of (horrors!)  ->-bleeped-<-.  While I had been rather indifferent to my gender, the testosterone made me REALLY want to be girly.

I've posted this link before, but I'll post it here again.  Psychologist Anne Vitale has written on the connection between dysphoria and testosterone.  I think it's worth reading.  It certainly rings true with me:

http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm

Randi

It makes sense to me, Randi.

Quote from: Randi on September 03, 2014, 01:40:34 PM

I still take a testosterone shot every once in a while.  Healthy people have a mix of estrogen and testosterone.  It's only the relative ratio of hormones that make up male and female.   I believe that transwomen who try to get to zero testosterone are misguided.

You're absolutely right about that! My spouse applies a very low dose T cream along with her HRT to boost her libido because her ovaries no longer produce any hormones. Women with no testosterone which is normally created along with female hormones in the ovaries will have zero libido. I had advised a post-op trans woman some time back who was complaining of having no libido and great difficulty having any orgasms to try a small amount, later she thanked me and said she was feeling like a real little sex pot.

"I had, however, become somewhat lazy and indolent.  I was sleeping more than I wanted to, and not exercising as much as I thought I should. I added in some testosterone - just a little bit, and they dysphoria came back, even including a bit of (horrors!)  ->-bleeped-<-.  While I had been rather indifferent to my gender, the testosterone made me REALLY want to be girly"

testosterone isnt bad and women need it too it effects motivation and drive, it can effect a persons thinking in a positive way too much testosterone is bad but a tiny bit every once in a while all women need . people need to seek balance . to be a woman is to also have some testosterone . the hormones that are naturally in a woman , both estrogen and testosterone , is what should be duplicated when a person becomes a woman ...... dont change nature just duplicate it we are only humans not God - a perfect combination of hormones exists for both men and women so be advised and monitored by a professional who knows exactly what a healthy balance of each is and if you do need to add or subtract anything  . you may have to take some form of testosterone if you find yourself sluggish and unmotivated or passive to the extreme or less competitive/agressive at work and thats causing a problem for you . post op each woman is different and a doctor would know the levels of testosterone you are producing post op .  testosterone is also produced by the pituitary gland in very small amounts as needed in social situations and your body produces what is needed when your mind says that its needed , but if you are having any trouble in your energy level or motivation you might have to take a dose of testosterone every once in a while until your body adjusts .

One time in four years. I think it was right after the third or forth time my boyfriend broke up with me.

I have yet to question my decision to transition or go on hrt in the last ten years. I question a lot of other stupid things I do in life, but not that.

Well I regularly wonder how in the goddess' name I've managed to lose my phone for the 3rd time that day, but I've never questioned being on HRT.

I don't have any doubt about hrt. But I do keep wondering on how I am going to transition socially

Never had any doubts, never had a negative thought about it; life as a male was killing me, and the moment I got on HRT I was relieved. I am an infinitely happier person than I was before, and I can finally look at myself in the mirror without crying. Best part: I don't hate myself anymore.

best depression treatment I've ever received; the only thing that could bring me down is if I somehow was taken off HRT

well, I never want to  quit because my whole life has dealt with this issue.  I found out  by accident that  if I skip estrogen on the  third day of not having it I start spiraling towards severe  depression. Its happened twice on the  third day so far .  I really need it for  my mental health.

I never say it. Injection day does not come fast enough every week!! 

Never!!!

However before HT it was extremely frequent.

Huggs

I think that for me these moments are actually incrememtal jumps in perception.  What I mean by this is that the socially enforced and ingrained male perception (ability to understand/insight etc.) is eroding away and being replaced with a new perspective.  This very real biological change is directly due to hrt, it's just that it is so gradual that my perception of it comes in segments.  Fortuneately for me there has not been a misinterpretation of perception that would be a 'oh jeez what have I done', but more of a stopping at the mirror...deep breath....pause....rapid realighnment of thinking...grin.... then proceed with whatever the heck I'm was doing (if I can remember that is). Dani

Quote from: Newgirl Dani on September 04, 2014, 10:31:33 AM
I think that for me these moments are actually incrememtal jumps in perception.  What I mean by this is that the socially enforced and ingrained male perception (ability to understand/insight etc.) is eroding away and being replaced with a new perspective.  This very real biological change is directly due to hrt, it's just that it is so gradual that my perception of it comes in segments.  Fortuneately for me there has not been a misinterpretation of perception that would be a 'oh jeez what have I done', but more of a stopping at the mirror...deep breath....pause....rapid realighnment of thinking...grin.... then proceed with whatever the heck I'm was doing (if I can remember that is). Dani

I get that Dani! I used to tell the newbys that were considering HRT that the experience can be compared to rolling a snowball down a steep snow covered hill, it increases in size and speed, so it goes with those of us on HRT as it can be most addictive to those with GID, eventually there is no turning back.

socially enforced and ingrained male perception (ability to understand/insight etc.) is eroding away and being replaced with a new perspective.
really hormones play a more important role in how a person actually thinks than social expectations and proof of that is that your thoughts just very easily change completely despite society around you . it has not changed but you have despite that. and if we were plucked out of this society and placed into an entirely new one we would still think the same based on our hormones which controls our thoughts and feelings you can get on a hormonal rollercoaster ride and can go crazy literally if your hormones are all out of wack