I'm 29 and have been married to my wife for 4 years. Like you all, I have been living a lie so well that many would not know.. sure my wife has made comments about how more of the house wife I am as opposed to her but that was only said jokingly. In all seriousness I try to mimic my role as house wife-like as possible. I cook, I clean and I fuss over the small things.. I have reached the point to where I feel I'm ready to tell her but... I guess a benefit would be is that she is a LCSW therapist and may be understanding.. I can't really take time and see a therapist because I work in the same treatment agency as she.. I just feel unsure and lost.

The best thing to do is to be honest about your feelings. Sit her down and explain to her the way that you feel and the directions that you would like to go. Let her ask questions if she is willing to talk about it at the time and if not be ready to give her a little time to process the information.

Just gather your courage and let her know you need to talk. It isn't easy facing it. But when you realize the truth it's just something you gotta do. I wouldn't bother preparing too much, most of that gets thrown out the window anyway because it's not a speech you can just give to her. This is a heart to heart conversation and it'll just flow naturally once you open the way for it.

If you are at a loss for words then try and speak to her about how you feel. If you are afraid then tell her. That will help you segue into telling her why. Keep in mind the reasons you must tell her, that should give your courage the fire it needs to push through the moments when fear would tie your tongue.

It is fortunate that she is a LCSW. She should have covered this in her education which will give her a huge head start in coming to a point of understanding. I really wish you both the best. Good luck!

I came out to my wife as I came out to myself.  I had been stuffing those feelings down hard for years and remained in a state of denial until I could no longer do so.  One day, after we had a few drinks, I admitted to her what had been bothering me lately. (And she knew something was up- hey, at least I wasn't cheating on her or contemplating leaving her, which she was truly afraid of.)  I told her that I needed to try presenting myself as a woman.  And believe me, I NEEDED to.  I had never once gone there (didn't ever want to open that can of worms), but it had finally become absolutely necessary.  I told her that I had always felt like my gender identity was questionable and that it was finally time to sort it out because the alcohol abuse was getting out of control.  I said that it was possible that I'd try it and just end up feeling ridiculous, and that would be that, and that I wasn't ready to go so far as transition.  I also said that I probably needed some professional guidance to see what my options were.

I found a well-respected gender therapist who told me exactly what I didn't want to hear- that I am transgender and that I needed at a minimum a therapeutic dose of estrogen to feed my brain's starving estrogen receptors, whether I ended up transitioning socially or not.  She also told me that I needed to bring my wife along to the next session so my wife could hear it from someone other than me. 

BTW- my wife LOVES the "new me".  I'm no longer angry, frustrated, depressed, suicidal nor anxious, and I found true happiness that I can share every day with the woman that I have always loved.  It's also nice that we wear the same size bra and shoes...

That is a difficult talk,, hugs.

Have water and tissues ready. 

Remain calm and hold your ground as to who you are. Your gender isn't something to compromise.

My wife is a Social Worker. There are trans* where she works in step down but she works with early intervention. We were married 20 years when I told her. I have received compassion from my two therapists and 2 in HR. I will never look for compassion on being trans* but when it was received it felt wonderful.

My wife assumed I was leaving her, so reinforce your love for her.

Coming out to my wife followed by telling her I started HRT was very difficult. I wish I followed through telling her when I was dating. She stopped me at telling her I wanted to cross dress.  She stopped that then or I hid and did not stand up and reinforce who I am.

Practice many times then inform.

It is not easy, in my case it was the most difficult thing I have ever done (other than living in the wrong body for 35 years).

It was a difficult talk for both of us, we cried a lot but at the end we hugged.

It is not an easy felling to know that you will hurt the person you love the most, you have to be ready for the worst (that she may leave).

When I told her I asked her to go to a restaurant and I started telling her the story of my live, I started telling her when I first felt like this then what happened thereafter, I just told her everything without hiding any details.

Good luck, just make sure you say everything from the bottom of your heart and making sure you always look at her eyes.

Good luck!!!

I doubt that my wife would be accepting.

Poor you, for me that was 20 years ago. It will not be easy, good luck.

Quote from: mac1 on September 03, 2014, 08:14:30 PM
I doubt yhat my wife would be accepting.

I had that doubt as well.  It helped keep me closeted for many years until it almost literally killed me.  My wife wasn't crazy about it at first, and there were many tears shed, but she actually warmed up to it pretty fast.  I expected to lose her, as 89-95% of married MTFs do, but I found the end of my rope.  If you're as good as dead like I was, losing a marriage over it just didn't seem like the worst thing that could happen to me anymore.

I just came out to my wife a couple months ago, so I know exactly where you're at.  My dysphoria was bad, but keeping it from her was making it much, much worse. 

I did quite a lot of reading on the subject and tried really hard to prep for it, because as difficult as dysphoria is, I wasn't willing to lose my family over it.  I even started this thread here on Susans and got a lot of very good advice (you may want to read through it). 

Ultimately I have three bits of advice to pass along to you.

You've had years to come to terms with who you are.  And it probably took a long time for you to accept yourself.  But this will all be brand new to your wife.  And regardless of her experience in social work, it has never happened to her.  So give her time to come to terms with her own feelings about it.  As Jill said, she won't like it at first.  There will be tears, anger, and likely feelings of betrayal.  Those are normal.  But if you're willing to work it out together, you stand a much better chance of her coming to acceptance.

I also learned that in the initial coming out, there is a fine line between full disclosure and TMI.  Get the ball rolling, and then answer questions.  But save the intimate details for later...when she's ready for them.

And perhaps the biggest piece of advice I can give is that, if you plan to keep the marriage intact, you can't throw down ultimatums and inform her of your decisions.  This is a something I've identified as one of the key differences between those who saved the marriage and those who lost theirs.  If you want a partner in transition, you'll need to treat her as such.  Ultimately you're the one making decisions for you, but she'll be be more likely to go with you on it if she feels like she has a part in the decision-making process.

I wish you the best!  And definitely let us know how it goes.

Quote from: katiej on September 03, 2014, 08:49:34 PM
I just came out to my wife a couple months ago, so I know exactly where you're at.  My dysphoria was bad, but keeping it from her was making it much, much worse. 

I did quite a lot of reading on the subject and tried really hard to prep for it, because as difficult as dysphoria is, I wasn't willing to lose my family over it.  I even started this thread here on Susans and got a lot of very good advice (you may want to read through it). 

Ultimately I have three bits of advice to pass along to you.

You've had years to come to terms with who you are.  And it probably took a long time for you to accept yourself.  But this will all be brand new to your wife.  And regardless of her experience in social work, it has never happened to her.  So give her time to come to terms with her own feelings about it.  As Jill said, she won't like it at first.  There will be tears, anger, and likely feelings of betrayal.  Those are normal.  But if you're willing to work it out together, you stand a much better chance of her coming to acceptance.

I also learned that in the initial coming out, there is a fine line between full disclosure and TMI.  Get the ball rolling, and then answer questions.  But save the intimate details for later...when she's ready for them.

And perhaps the biggest piece of advice I can give is that, if you plan to keep the marriage intact, you can't throw down ultimatums and inform her of your decisions.  This is a something I've identified as one of the key differences between those who saved the marriage and those who lost theirs.  If you want a partner in transition, you'll need to treat her as such.  Ultimately you're the one making decisions for you, but she'll be be more likely to go with you on it if she feels like she has a part in the decision-making process.

I wish you the best!  And definitely let us know how it goes.

What she said  :-)
I'd throw in that if you make the transition slow that you give her time to adjust rather than a sudden shock to the system.  That seems to be working for me. 
I lived with my dysphoria since I was a little kid and am now much older and have been married 22 years.  I told my wife a year ago but have made small changes since before we were married a little at a time.  You might not want to go quite that slow....

Hi

When I told my wife I expected it to be alot worse then it was. I was terrified that I would lose her and the kids, it took a long time and a very rocky road to get to the point where I could share this part of my life, in the end it was totally worth it.

Me and my wife have been married for 8 years and together for 10, so she never dreamed of having that conversation with her husband, who at every step of his life exaggerated his masculinity to remain hidden to the world.

I basically spent the afternoon explaining my battle with dysphoria for the last 20 years, how when I cheated on her it was a desperate attempt to push her away at my lowest point when I was contemplating ending it all, why I have always been distant, why at times I'm very socially awkward and why I go through bouts of depression.

I then presented her with a package of research that I had previously done on dysphoria.

From there I laid out my general plan for the future making sure the she understood that she was every bit apart of it. Making sure she realised this is the road that will finally make me truly happy but at the same time will be a long winding one. And it was my hope that she will be there with me at the end of it.

She took a few days to consider it all, and her answer was simply
"I'm not going anywhere, when I said I love you in our vows that meant forever"

I am blessed to have married such a wonderful person. I told her two months ago and if anything it has brought us closer then ever.

Kaylee

I come from the ftm side, but maybe this is helpful regardless.
Coming out to my husband was a bit unplanned, I simply couldn't explain away my tears and sadness anymore without lying - and I didn't want to lie.

The one thing I resolved to do was talk about the now and how I feel at the moment. I did not want to confront him with something along the lines of "how would you like living with a guy". So I talked about my dysphoria and how I had finally understood what the root cause of all my mysterious health issues I've had appears to be.

He was shocked, sad, confused - but he did ask what it would take to make me feel better. I told him honestly that if I were living on my own, I'd start transitioning asap. The situation being what it is, we need to sort this out step by step. I was open about the fact that it still could mean a name change and hrt for me.

It was tough. I felt horrible afterwards, but I know I had to tell him. Time will tell how we will navigate this.

I hope it goes well for you!

I came out to my wife in March this year. I wanted to be sure that I will not loose her, I was willing to stop my transition if she would not agree. It was a slow process. I told her about crosdressing, and she was okay with this and even told to me that she likes that. Than a few days later I couldn't resist and told her about my need to become physically opposite gender. And that I feel like that for a long time. I was amazed by her reaction. There were no tears and she received it very calmly. She turned out to be very accepting and supportive. She assured me that she will never leave me and want to stay.
I am really happy that I have such wonderfull wife. In fact she is the person who helps me with transitioning and the only person who knows that I am transgender. I think that we have now closer relationship than before.

I'll just second everything katiej said. Give her time, communicate, and keep her a partner in the journey.

I mostly wanted to say that *my* wife found that the biggest study of late on trans people found that in actual fact, about 55% of relationships survive transition intact...  http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_full.pdf

Quote from: Jenna Marie on September 04, 2014, 07:18:53 PM
I mostly wanted to say that *my* wife found that the biggest study of late on trans people found that in actual fact, about 55% of relationships survive transition intact...  http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_full.pdf

Wow!  I didn't realize this.  It's really encouraging that so many relationships survive transition.  Although in my age group it's only about 40%...but that's better than I would have thought it to be.  It's also interesting that FTM's are actually more likely to keep their relationship than MTF's.

I almost transitioned in my early 20's, but the fear of losing my wife (among other things like lack of information) convinced me that transition just wasn't possible for me.  So I spent a solid 15 years with it at the back of my mind, and I was able to mostly push the dysphoria away. 

Then in the course of a week I discovered a few people online who had stayed with their spouse through transition.  And I learned that an old friend had transitioned FTM and his wife stayed with him.  Suddenly my excuse evaporated, and the dysphoria hit me hard.  And I haven't been able to shake it for a year now.  So learning that relationships do survive transition is what ultimately pushed me to transition.

Wow...  I had no choice idea that there was so many married transgender people. I had this (now I see wrong)  idea that there were few of us married.  This topic sure are gonna help me when the time of opening to my girl comes.  Since I started in this forum,  I made my mind about telling her,  I just need to talk to a professional first,  and that's almost arranged.
You are all great! I'm really glad I found this place.

Married here, in transition, partner and kids have me in tow thru this process! It can work, most if it relates to her person not yours. She will be her as she reacts, you can positively help her and make it easier but largely her decision to stay will be because of who she is, no judgment intended, just a fact that people are true to who they are in times of crisis.

My partner is open minded, empathetic, loyal, fluid in her sexuality, open for adventure and we really like each other.  From there I've made it easier by treating her as a partner in transition and going slow. It's working.

I don't think the first convo needs to lay it all out when you are asking for a partner in transition. I'm transgender, this is how I feel may be enough of a definitive statement. The rest of the details could be less firm "maybes" or "likely" as in "yeah , I think I need hormones, etc.  I never asked permission but I also didn't start E and AA until she was also ready so in your disclosure  dance, you may want to take this into consideration.

I think communicating the pain, and the therapeutic nature of tailored treatment and your love for her is what matters. 

If she's not supportive you can always put your foot down later and say I'm doing it no matter what.

Katie : Amazing, isn't it? She's also posted that to several partners' groups she's in, and heard lots of other happy ending stories. (She'd been saying all along "Why do I know so many successful couples if it 'almost never' happens?")

So the hope of keeping your wife allowed you to transition? That's actually pretty cool, and argues for disseminating this study far and wide.   I know I was terrified I'd lose my wife as well, and very grateful that didn't happen.

Yep it was a rough few days when I told my spouse almost three years ago, thankfully she is very understanding and what we have together is much stronger than what damage this had the potential to cause.
  She soon shared some her things that didn't fit her anymore and we have had many mall shopping trips to have fun picking out cute things side by side. The other day she commented that she has noticed what my "fashion style" is and that she is envious that I can wear smaller sizes and cuter things than her...quite a compliment since I've always admired her fashion sense.