Main thing sweetie is that we are here for you.  Lots.  We care. You have lots of advice, and you know we are here, and that we care.

Blessings dear.
  When we can.  Someone is here.

I have to rest now...
We are here.  For you.

I'm too scared to "come out" too. I've been living alone for long, long periods of time. I thought I used to be comfortable being alone, but really, I'm not. I've tried the best I can to make friends, and still I've never been successful, though at least I tried. It's hard to describe, but sometimes you just know you don't belong, like you were a mistake and that, despite everything you've tried, that for the sake of everybody else, it's better if you just stop trying.

I wish I could find something to really hold on for.

I used too feel like that. Now I don't.  And we are here.

Stick with us.

Then don't worry so much about coming out...
You will when the time is right for you.
Right now, stabilizing the effects of depression should be your main concern, something to hold to.
Once you have that done, you will find other things you can hold onto, as well.
It's a tough thing to do when you're depressed and when anxiety takes hold...

You're not a mistake, but I know as well as many here, what that does feel like.
You're talking to people from here who understand that because we have gone through it as well.

Stabilize the depression, the anxiety and then dysphoria when you need to, in that order.
It does work, there are ways to do it.
I'd like, as well as so many others here would as well, to have those discussions with you when you are ready.
We will be here to talk about coming out, to talk about the things you want to talk about.
When you do know what you want to ask, when this depression is out of your way and you're ready...
And you will be. Those feeling you're going through are symptoms of depression.

Do everything you can to take care of it, it's hard, but once you start, it does get easier as you go along.
Stick with your therapist and talk about these things with them, they should be able to help you find the right professionals you need to take care of it.
I live with it each and every day, and it took finding the right meds, doses and coping skills to be able to continue on and have a better quality of life.
Follow this like a plan, an outline of your future. as who you want to be, as you see it as the way to live a good life, one that has certainty to it, one that has the quality you'd like.

Once you have a depression like this under control, and you can, there isn't a limit on how your life can be.
I know if feels pretty futile right now, geez do I ever, but you can do this.
Breath, take one step at a time. When it feels bad, breath... keep moving forward and you'll be there in no time and look back at this as a bump in the road.
It is hard to get this all started, but you have no choice. You need to work on getting this depression under control.
Trust yourself that you can and are going to do it.

It is one step at a time, no matter how hard it feels like it is to take each step.
But every step does bring you closer to your goals.
You will find friends along the way, you will be able to come out when it is your choice, when it is time for you.
Take this and own it, it yours to have, to be everything you have ever wanted to be.

Everyone who has ever felt trapped in the darkness of depression has taken the same hard to do steps in the beginning.
It really doesn't take very long before you feel like you're running with it.
But it does take making those first really hard steps to take to get there, I know.
I've taken them myself, just like others here you have talked with. Ask them...

Breath deeply and slowly, do it as much as it takes, and then step forward.
All the possibilities and more are waiting for you, just keep on stepping forward.
I wouldn't tell you this and neither would anyone else if it wasn't true.
I can say trust me until I can't say it anymore... Trust yourself that you can do this.

I know you can. I can feel it. I can see it. I know your going to fight this and keep moving forward.
Find the strength, it's there, the depression might be hiding it, but it is there.
It's always the first step that's the hardest, no matter what you do in life.
You know this is true, and it's true this time as well.

We're here, you can lean on us anytime you feel like it, anytime you want.
We'll be right there, right in step with you as you move forward.
I'd like you to trust in us, but I want you to trust yourself even more.
You can do this...
Ativan

Quote from: Alexi on August 31, 2014, 03:47:35 PM
I'm too scared to "come out" too. I've been living alone for long, long periods of time. I thought I used to be comfortable being alone, but really, I'm not. I've tried the best I can to make friends, and still I've never been successful, though at least I tried. It's hard to describe, but sometimes you just know you don't belong, like you were a mistake and that, despite everything you've tried, that for the sake of everybody else, it's better if you just stop trying.

I wish I could find something to really hold on for.

You have a friend here always.

I know it is hard getting past the loneliness.

I was married for 24 years and the last year with my X was like that, i was basically living each day just to breath. Even though we lived in the same house i felt so alone.

Again anytime you want to talk just give me a message. There is somehow we can find ways for you to get back in life. Its there and i am willing to help work on ways to make it happen somehow.

Hugs
Love ya
Isabell

I see you peeking at the board again my dear Alexi....

The fairy sees you in the forest, and smiles when sh'e does.

Quote from: Satinjoy on September 03, 2014, 04:29:41 PM
I see you peeking at the board again my dear Alexi....

The fairy sees you in the forest, and smiles when sh'e does.

I've been looking at some of the things I wrote. They're so depressing! I have a meeting with my therapist next week and my MD not soon after. Does anybody feel dissociated from their body? Is that unusual to feel? It's difficult to describe, but I'm hoping someone else might have felt the same. I'm still no closer to "coming out" and I can't find anyone to speak to who might understand.

It's weird, and it is really hard to describe, but once you know how it feels,..
It comes from stress, there are different levels, like with most things.
It is almost always temporary, but it can last from minutes to days.
Here's the wikiwhatever link for it, it kinda explains it, as so many wikithings kinda do...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)
It can be induced by stress very easily, it can also be from med side effects, or induced by mild hallucinogens.
Some say that the forest is a symptom, but that has never been proven and I don't care if it is... 
Ativan

i've had this feeling that my body didn't really belong to me. i was not in the best state of mind whenever that happened.
learning to love my body as mine, the only one i have, has helped me.
i couldn't keep thinking that my body is a prison that i'm trapped in.
because that would make me imprisoned for life. transition or no transition.
because my body is still this one body no matter how much i change it.

in a mental health perspective, this isn't a very good symptom.
in any other perspective, it's not really that unusual, and probably a common symptom of a whole range of disorders. or substance use/abuse.

there's nothing weird about you, all that you're experiencing are just proofs that you're human.

don't worry too much about your posts being depressive. that happens all the time to many of us.
though i like to pretend that my life is all sunshine, so i try not to let all my moods shine through.

do consider though, to write something new with each post.
now we know you have a hard time handling stuff.
are there any words you can use to describe the feeling?
did something happen? or not happen?
how did that make you feel?

typing out these things can help just as much as talking to a therapist.
the anonymity of the internet has helped many when they were too scared to talk to any person face to face, or even on the phone.
share your feelings, your experiences, what is so difficult. instead of just saying that the future looks bleak. i think we all know that feeling.

i once took the risk, and told people here about my failure.
the response i got was validation.
you could try that too.
tell us why your future looks so bleak, and let us tell you that even this can be overcome.
give us a chance to give you some hope, now that you have a hard time finding this hope on your own.
i'm here for you too, from now on. i was only a little late because i haven't had time to sit down and read properly before.

and if the above was too much to read and remember, one last piece of advice:
answer ativan's questions. it will hurt, just like it hurts to remove a glass shard that keeps a wound from healing.
but it works. i know because i've tried it.

And don't get worried about saying anything wrong dear, just say.  Anything you want.

Yes that is me in that pic, and under my hand is a beard.  We can be anyone, and be beautiful.

You just have to realize that you are.

Blessings and Love

Satinjoy

I've been thinking a lot about different things but I never did write down any of it to look at if I needed to. It's typical of depression. I've felt not so physically depressed though, but neither happier. I'm still as lonely, but I'm feeling numb about it. I'm scared I'll look like a really horrible androgyne. I'm scared about getting older and if I'll still look androgyne, as much as I feel it. I'm scared of "coming out" but more scared of not. I'm scared of not finding clothes. I'm scared of "passing", and not be able to do it.

I'm going to work on my hair and try to find some advice about softening facial features. That does mean I'm going to need to tell someone and I can't find anybody I trust enough to tell.

You can trust the people here, ask the questions you have...
A lot of people are so helpful in so many different ways around here.
I can't give advice about hair... I just let mine grow since, well I don't really remember anymore.
Neither can I answer questions about softening facial features.
I have a face that shows my age, and it's very distinctly male after all those years of testosterone doing it's thing.
So I don't know how to answer a lot of questions, but there are people here who are interested and will have answers.
Trust the forum. Go and look at the areas that do deal with stuff like softening your features.
The general area has some good advice on a lot of things that you might want to try.
Hit the home button and then look down the list of different places that there are where a lot of questions are answered.
Ask all the questions about non-binary you want here, it's what it's for.
Some really good people who can help with a lot of that stuff.

But right now, I want to know that you are moving forward, that you will make the effort with your therapist and MD.
Happiness will come, a lot of people have come here to the forum not knowing, unhappy with life.
They have succeeded, as you will too...
It is just like I told you, one step at a time, you'll get there.
There are other people here who don't have anyone to confide in, so they do here as a way to help.
There are a lot of people who start out like that, but do gain the confidence they needed and do have friends.
There are people here who met here and now they are a part of their lives outside the forum...

I really like that you have looked back at your comments, you have a sense of how far you've come since the first one?
You should, you're doing good, trust us on this.
There are people here who are dying to give advice, you simply need to be engaged in the topics, or start a new one about your questions of how...
There are a lot of answers right here by people you can trust, just simply ask the questions.
I know things aren't the best yet, but they will get better, I promise.
Stick with therapy and think about low dose HRT for your dysphoria. It isn't for everyone, but you won't know if you don't try.
Once I started, things turned around for me in ways I didn't even think about. It might for you as well.
But stick with the plan, therapy and antidepressants to see you over this. You'll get there and most likely you will be able to stop the antidepressants.
You're several steps closer, keep taking them, one at a time, you'll get there.
A lot of us are looking forward to it.
Ativan

i'm really glad that i've written lots of stuff here. one thing is the responses i've gotten. people forcing me to think by showing me a different view of the world, often so fascinating that i can't help but try to climb another peak to find out what can be seen from there. and then there are my own posts, the thoughts of a person who was and still is me, but is also completely different from who i am now. seeing how i change was at first scary, but now i find it fascinating and inspiring.

Quote from: Alexi on September 04, 2014, 07:32:18 PM
I've been thinking a lot about different things but I never did write down any of it to look at if I needed to. It's typical of depression. I've felt not so physically depressed though, but neither happier. I'm still as lonely, but I'm feeling numb about it. I'm scared I'll look like a really horrible androgyne. I'm scared about getting older and if I'll still look androgyne, as much as I feel it. I'm scared of "coming out" but more scared of not. I'm scared of not finding clothes. I'm scared of "passing", and not be able to do it.

I'm going to work on my hair and try to find some advice about softening facial features. That does mean I'm going to need to tell someone and I can't find anybody I trust enough to tell.

Ummm... how to start with this... Well, ok lets try it this way. Alexi, You have one very distinct benefit - at this point You kinda know where You stand and what You want to achieve. Meaning, You will not have extreme expectations and will be able to avoid surprises on Your road. Not all of them but the nasty ones. Now, lets move on with some of Your questions... You see, once You start rolling many questions will disappear or just seem... less relevant? If You are androgyne in Your heart then "passing" gets kinda moot point, because...  Pass like who? You will be Yourself, unique and being Yourself You will pass as Yourself 100%.Now, if You will suddenly realise that You want to shift towards the other gender, then things get more complicated, but You dont even know now if You will have those desires. The same about clothes and hair and the rest. Once You start taking Your first steps You will grow more and more confident and figure out what works and what does not. Now, it might seem scary but it actually is not because if You are NOT changing Your presentation 100% it simply cannot out You since essentially You will bet adjusting Your style step-by-step. And really, given Your age and current trends - there is a lot of stuff which is perfectly permissible for men novadays which would have labelled one as queer even 5 years ago. Truly, this is the perfect era to be gender nonconfirming adult . Heck, I could even get away with both ears pierced...
Now, about softer features. Facial hair removal helps - a lot. But I dunno how permanent it is with testosterone still flooding Your system as technically T should spam new hair follicles as the older ones get destroyed (otherwise transmen would not be getting facial hair, right ). Of course anything with anti-androgenic properties will help to smooth and clear skin as well but we are venturing into HRT meds here which may or may not be Your choice.
Hair? You dont need to tell Your haircutter... Just say that You want to grow it out evenly and ask for help to crop it down from time to time instead of having that standard male cut which will leave You with no options afterwards. A lot of men novadays go for longer hair so that would not raise any eyebrows either (see, I told about this being the perfect era?).
What else advantages You have? You are still pretty young and can prevent further masculinisation. As You will grow into Your skin You will figure out what works and what does not - and most important - how You feel about that and Your feelings will change with time too. It might not be that scary in the end - it is just instead of flooding Yourself with questions You cannot answer yet, You just deal with them one at a time and then it all starts getting manageable .

easiest thing ever to do with hair, is to simply let it grow. you'll probably get lots of split ends and stuff, but that problem should disappear as your hair starts to renew itself. new hairs that grow out after the old one has fallen off naturally, will have a closed tip that doesn't split.
or you could get a slight trim a couple time a year, a little more often when the hair is still short.

permanent hair removal is permanent. trans men grow beards because they already have hair follicles. lots of them. they just don't grow those robust beard strands without some androgen to reprogram them, and instead keep producing lots of annoying fine peach fuzz. but a damaged hair follicle could still suddenly decide to repair itself enough to grow hair again, so it's not permanent unless the hair follicle is properly destroyed.

softening your facial features is most easily done with a genuine happy smile. which would be one reason why many trans guys avoid smiling in pictures... there are tons of makeup videos on youtube, go look at those for advice, and the try out everything you can find. you'll find out that way what you like best. do try to avoid too much color and glitter though. the best makeup looks like a smoother and slightly more accentuated version of your own skin. dark brown can work just as well as black for making your eyes stand out, a colorless lipgloss will make your lips look fuller too.

I see you in the forest Alex I

Depression. I'm sorry.

There is no need to be sorry for depression. You didn't choose it.

I sympathize, though.

Alexi dear if memory serves you have some important appointments coming up, and we would love to hear how they go for you.  Be honest sweetie, the more you trust your therapist the more they can help, it took some of us a while to do it, but as the process unfolds, it gets easier.   Once the risk is taken and  the secret exposed, it feels like some kind of anvil has been dropped that you have been carrying.  Those are your chains breaking and falling to the ground.

So take heart my dear.

I would very much like to write you into the forest thread, as I percieve you to be in your character.  Can the old playwright have permission to do that my dear?  It would be an honor.

---Satinjoy

I'm feeling numb. I'm neither happy nor sad. I've also been thinking about HRT. I don't feel I need it. I think clothes are the most important thing to think about at the moment. I'm having trouble finding androgynous clothing. I don't have a problem finding clothes to fit my body, but it's scary trying to find clothes which work.

I also got triggered earlier too by something both stupid and unexpected. I do have an appointment soon, so I might try to find some time to write everything on a piece of paper and take it.