Story time!

I'm new to the community here, but I've been struggling with finding the road to transition for the better part of this year. After going through the whole process and having my doctor tell me he'll start me on androgen blockers and estrogen tomorrow, I should be feeling relieved, right? Excited maybe? I'm finally doing something to make whats on the outside fit who I really am. I know the transition is going to be anything but a cakewalk but after getting the courage to talk to my family, my doctor, therapist about this I thought this part shouldn't be the hard part.

Just a few pills right? I don't know why I feel so scared about it. I'm so nervous I'm almost to the point of putting off the appointment, yet I KNOW I will immediately regret it. I've seen many transition timelines and they've been inspirational and I can honestly say I'm envious of every single woman who had the strength to push through. I know this is what I need to do.

Everyone seems excited and impatient about starting their hormones - I was too until today. Somehow its a fear that my boy mode will all of a sudden fail me before I'm ready to come out publicly to my social circle and at the same time a fear that I might never pass. A hundred different fears really. What if it's not worth it? I know it what I need, but at the same time I don't know what struggles I'll have to go through in the journey.

I've thought about these things over and over and I know if I just keep living my life as a man I won't be happy and I know I will regret not transitioning for the rest of my life but I don't know why my mind is trying to look for any excuse to back off now.

Having a hard time falling asleep really... I'm probably gonna be dead tired for the appointment in the morning.

Hi Nevara,

Pretty typical situation you're going through at the moment. Any decision that will create a major change in your life will or should be met with equal doubt. Doubt is a good and health self check mechanism. It allows us to take an honest look at the future, based on our present understanding.

Revisit those doubts and fears that are playing in your mind, in a positive perspective and see the difference. One major positive conclusion you're drawn already, is the regret you'll face if you don't move forward. Sometimes, a so called negative perspective can be a good motivator in which to move forward on.

Keep up the good work, and stay connected. We are all with and for you.

Huggs
Catherine


P.S. To answer your topic title; not necessarily. Your relief, excitement, exhilaration does not necessarily have to be now. It may come later in greater abundance when you've lined up all the dots. Everyone journey is the same; but with unique differences.

Hi!

I just wanted to pop up a quick message to say, what you are feeling right now is pretty normal... or at least it was normal for me, I've never actually compared it to a lot of trans people, but I imagine it's pretty normal. I'm at 7.5 months, so this is all pretty recent for me, but I pretty distinctly remember that night before getting my script was a lot like what you are feeling now. Trust me, after that first set of pills, you'll know pretty quickly that this is what you want to be doing. By the second day all that anxiety and doubt had cleared up

Hon, a thing to remember.. you will not turn into Dolly Parton, Rachel Welch, or even Roseanne Barr, overnight, or with a week, or months worth of hormones..  not a year, even.. so It took me a couple days (I started with herbals), to really begin to feel calmer, and that feeling.. is better than anything I felt, ever, as a guy.

I translate that from the "bad day fishing" saying..

Quote from: Kaylin Kumiho on September 08, 2014, 12:03:19 AMTrust me, after that first set of pills, you'll know pretty quickly that this is what you want to be doing. By the second day all that anxiety and doubt had cleared up

I really hope so. A little reassuring that my feelings aren't too far out of place.

Maybe I won't be restless ALL night. 

Nevara, welcome to Susans.  You should stick around.  This is a pretty cool place.

My guess is that you're realizing that this whole thing just got very real.  Until recently it's all been in your head, not something that other people could see, comment on, or even know about.  This is the part that takes courage and a lot of hard work.

You mentioned coming out to family.  How did that go?

Quote from: Paula Christine on September 08, 2014, 12:38:17 AM
Hon, a thing to remember.. you will not turn into Dolly Parton, Rachel Welch, or even Roseanne Barr, overnight, or with a week, or months worth of hormones..

Paula, I'm actually lol-ing at the Rosanne comment.  Well done. 

*giggles*  Thank you Katie!!   I had to show each of the extremes..  I really like Roseanne, and despite a few of her views, I respect what she does and how she does it.

Quote from: katiej on September 08, 2014, 01:02:49 AM
Nevara, welcome to Susans.  You should stick around.  This is a pretty cool place.

My guess is that you're realizing that this whole thing just got very real.  Until recently it's all been in your head, not something that other people could see, comment on, or even know about.  This is the part that takes courage and a lot of hard work.

You mentioned coming out to family.  How did that go?

It was about as awkward as you can imagine, but they probably took it better than I expected.

They didn't fully understand it at first and I still don't think they fully do, but my mom was supportive and actually helped me along the process through contacts. She's an MD herself though and has gotten herself (and me a little) absolutely terrified about the risks and side effects of hormones. Once I moved past therapy and just talking about it to actually doing something she's gotten more worried... I guess she feels the same way about it just getting very real.

My dad took it a bit harder... I think most dads do from the experiences I've read. He's been kind of been kind of depressed the past few months over the whole thing. I can see his emotions eating away at him and it really hurts to watch. I can just see him fall into one of those mood every time he knows I'm leaving for an appointment with my doctor. So yeah, most of my conversations about this have been with my mom since my dad's coping by being dismissive. He's still searching for solutions to make me "get over" feeling transgender.

They don't really agree with me transitioning but they've said they'll support me and love me no matter what my decision is. For the time being I am living with them (year off in between undergrad and med school) so I'm super grateful for how they took it although it's really strained my relationship with my dad.

the funny thing about pills is that even if your doc gives you them, nothing will happen at all unless you take them every day for a long time.
there really is no reason to be scared of getting the pills. getting them doesn't change anything. only your choice to swallow them will start some changes.

i'm sorry about your troubles with your dad.