I feel like I've been posting a lot asking for help lately-ahh, well.  Anyways, the year is back in full swing in all it's sleepless intensity, and I'm reaching a point where I can no longer afford to "not be ok", if that makes any sense...if you're not productive at my school, you fail, that's simply how our program operates.  Even after all this time, I still hate my body, it's still disgustingly wrong even as it moves towards being less offensive. 

There are days I feel great, but some I just can't stop crying.  I no longer have time to cry, but sometimes can't help it.  I don't have time to be depressed or dysphoric, I don't have time to take a day off, I don't even have time to see a therapist anymore.  The intensity of this place is wreaking havoc on my mental health.

I'm not trying to be healthy right now; that takes time and effort that I cannot expend.  I just want symptom control: I want to be fine when I need to be fine in order to do the work I need to do.  I don't always love it here, but it's my life.  I can't think of anything else I'd be happy doing with my life.  But school is too much coupled with what I'm going through.  How do you all make your symptoms manageable so you can get on with your lives?

Is there any way to try HRT? I ask because I do not know if you are on HRT and it helped me with my dysphonia.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on September 08, 2014, 06:53:02 PM
Is there any way to try HRT? I ask because I do not know if you are on HRT and it helped me with my dysphonia.

I'm a tad depressed I look like I haven't been.  I've been full time for two and a half years and on hormones for ~18 months.  Yeah.  Worked real wonders.  Right.

You feel stuck on waiting for GRS?

Or you are stuck on knowing who you really are?

I did not know if the avatar was actually you and I did not want to assume.

You are beautiful and I mean beautiful.

On to dysphoria, do you record your dreams? I find them extremely telling to what is on my mind. I get very little sleep so remembering dreams is a challenge.

Do you keep a thought journal? Write down your thoughts and when you see a trend put an action plan in place.

I am reading "When Things Fall part" by Pema Chodron, it is a book about mindfulness. Quieting ones mind in the face of distress.

I have a series of mantras, beautiful to and about me, and I read and focus on my mantras prior to sleep. Like my bedtime story.

Hugs.   

I've been at this for a while-I'm certainly very aware of what I'm feeling, but powerless to change it.  I don't really dream much, although I do keep a journal.  Mindfulness has helped me some, although I will say it becomes difficult to practice in this sort of environment.

I was going to be having surgery, but that fell through.  Honestly, I'm not entirely sold on the idea right now.  Besides the fact that unless I leave school to work, I won't even be able to begin saving for the next three years, the results still aren't good enough for me.  Sensation and all...but now that's not going to happen.  I've chosen a career path (theatre) that will never allow me to afford surgery, so unless my folks change their minds I'm not going to be able to have SRS.  Part of what's keeping me down.

From what I have read and heard at group last week Medicare may provide GRS in the future. Even if they do offer it you may elect not to have the surgery. Without the surgery you are depressed and this is part of what is holding you down.   

Does the school provide a therapist or are you seeing a therapist ( I do not want to assume).

I did hear about that, but it's a very, very long way off-besides, I don't really qualify for medicare.  I feel like it's an oversimplification that surgery is the only way to be happy.  A majority of trans* women never have surgery, and eventually come to terms with their body.  There is no way that three quarters of trans* women are unhappy, depressed, and miserable as a result.  My preference here doesn't really matter, as it's not an option.  Unless someone decides to donate twenty thousand dollars to my cause or I decide to completely give up the one thing in my life that makes me happy, I'm pretty much stuck with what I've got.

Yes, I do have access to one, but I do not really have time to see someone regularly.  I'm in a very demanding conservatory program, and though I would like to be seeing someone and have been in the past, it's just not something I can afford to do.  My little time off is better spent elsewhere.

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on September 08, 2014, 06:57:30 PM
I'm a tad depressed I look like I haven't been.  I've been full time for two and a half years and on hormones for ~18 months.  Yeah.  Worked real wonders.  Right.

Some people are naturally androgynous, so it's hard to tell what changes a person has gone through without a before picture. No need to be depressed. 

I wish I could help you, but I think I could use some advice on this myself. Today I just threw my hands up and laid down for a nap. You probably don't have time for naps, either.

When I was in my final semester of college, work was INTENSE. There were many days I went to school in my PJ's, and because of our strict attendance policy, a couple of times when I dragged myself to school when I was so sick I should have probably been in bed or a hospital. I'm still alive! Not sure it was the best experience for me, though, since I wasn't going for something I actually wanted to spend my life doing. It killed some parts of me, including my fashion sense...

As for being depressed, have you thought about trying St. John's Wort pills or tea? So long as it doesn't interact with any other medications you might be on... I've never used it myself, but I have a box of tea sitting in my kitchen. I bought it when I was weaning myself off zoloft, so I haven't tried it yet since you're not supposed to take both at the same time.

Sometimes I just find that keeping myself busy keeps my mind off the pain if I'm in a bad mood. If that's not working, do you have time for side projects (that aren't school assignments)? Maybe you could pour your feelings into personal artwork. (I assumed you were a painter because of your name, but you also mentioned theater, so I'm sorry if my advice isn't useful.)