Well, I'm at the stage of living on an emotional roller coaster. Quick background (ftm)...as a kid was a tomboy, new I was a boy at 6 and was into girls at 9 then was informed gay is of the devil at 10. Welcome to the next 30 years! Growing up I always stayed as close to the line of being a girl as I could without realising who I really am and lived the straight life, until last year when I came out as liking girls. On went the label of gay woman. Just after that I came out as genderqueer with a personal definition of mostly male mentally with just enough female cos I'm an emotional person with no dysphoria, so I thought. I stayed open minded-ish as to being trans but rationalised by telling myself that I'm glad it's not me cos thats a cross I couldn't bear. Then I was reading a webpage that was talking about hysterectomies. My initial gut reaction was more of a jump out of seat reaction saying yes, please!!!! Ah, had to ask myself why. And here I am finally seeing me. Since coming out last year I started transitioning (socially) without even knowing. Now here I sit less than a year later...men's clothes, guys hair, binder off for the day, embracing my natural testosterone levels that I always despised, etc. Told a very good friend who is an amazing support for me and he wasn't surprised at all and my best mate has already guessed but I dodged that one cos I'm not ready to tell him yet. My mum accepts me as lesbian genderqueer so not too much of a jump for her to make when the time comes and I'm pretty okay with me all things considered (this realisation and talking to my friend all happened within the last week). Anyone have a clue why my head is all over the place still and I can go in an instant from being over the moon finally being free to extremely sad and anxious with tears in my eyes hoping there is another label for me? Please tell me this is normal and will go away so I can get on and live my life! 

(Sorry if this is in the wrong place. Don't usually do forums.)

Welcome to Susan's,

Transition is a very emotional process.

I did not follow fully your story, are you on injectable T?

A gender therapist is always helpful understanding what is occurring and perhaps it may be a good place to start.

Hi, thanks. Sorry for not being clear enough. I have high testosterone levels as is so not on T. When the time comes, if I choose to go down that road, I'll have to discuss with my doctors if going on it is an option. Unfortunately, seeing a therapist isn't an option right now or the foreseeable future as I'm moving soon and won't have health insurance for a bit (if covered) and no extra money. So, reaching out where I can. Best way to describe where I'm at is that I've accepted me but not the label or other's reactions of the changes coming. Plus, when the time is right, coming out to more people which is unavoidable. I keep having thoughts of "what if I'm mistaken." I know I'm not but then I'll pick one thing that I may be uncomfortable with, like people's reaction to facial hair, and start to question myself. I've never felt more comfortable and alive as I do today. My days of not being able to look in a mirror have been gone for a while now. I actually like it now; I recognise the person looking back at me. So far concerning sexuality and gender I've had no negative reactions from family or friends. In fact, the opposite as all are not only accepting and see me as normal just different to them but supportive as well. With so many positives in my life, that I am immensely grateful for, I don't understand why I'm going through this up down ride of emotions. I've spent all my life fighting to be someone I'm not and don't want to waste another second. Although I know what I want as far as major changes such as surgery, I'm taking my own sweet time before doing anything like that even if money were no object. I just don't want to ride out these emotions that I don't understand when, apart from a few things such as where I'm living right now, I'm happy with my life. So confused.

Hey jetz,

I only figured it out for myself (how on earth it can have taken me 38 years to understand that I'm trans is a mystery to me) - my feelings are absolutely similar to yours. I'm all over the place emotionally - euphoric, incredibly sad, scared, proud to have figured it out, and so on. It's a rollercoaster. For me a lot of the sadness and fear is related to what will happen to my relationship with my husband, but I also had this phase that I cannot describe other than as mourning. This probably sounds weird, but I think I mourned the little girl that my parents saw and loved, and that I now know never existed.

Give yourself time. Don't feel you have to rush. A therapist may be helpful to help you figure out which path you want to take.

Roller coasters are natural especially once we figure out who we are. A good gender therapist should be consulted before any permanent changes / hormones / surgery. In the shorter term finding someone who can help you stay grounded is important. This can also be a LGBT support group (which I always avoided) or just some open minded supportive people who can listen and watch your emotions and respond personally.

Hey adrian...all over the place is a good way to describe it. I can understand what you said about the girl loved by her parents although I'm a bit the opposite. I'm scared of my mum's reaction when I tell her but at the same time I don't think she'll be surprised. As a child I refused to wear girls clothes so she had to get mine from the boys section and now thinks I'm genderqueer. I have a lot of anxiety about that. I live far away from her so don't see her. When I move back to the same town as her I won't be hiding anything. I either have to tell her or wait for her to ask where my boobs went and then end up on the defensive. I don't know when I'm moving yet (it's complicated) but will be somewhere between 2 weeks and 2 months. After that move all immediate family will know. Not sure if your husband knows yet or not. Was just saying where I'm at. See this is my problem...I don't want to give myself time, haha! I went through all this last year when I came out as gay/genderqueer. I thought it was over...I was wrong! 

Hey Monkeymel...thank you so much. Hearing that this is normal is a relief to me. I would never do anything that was permanent or required a doctor without taking my time and going into therapy. All the changes I have made (almost all before realising I'm trans) aren't permanent but help with the dysphoria and/or help me be me. I just want this emotional stuff to go away. Having said that, I've just clicked on that I have a bit more to get through...I can say I'm trans now both here and to my friend. Apart from in my head, I've yet to say that I'm a guy. Time for me to sit back and try to enjoy the ride.  I think as far as people to talk to I think I'm just gonna have to deal for the time being. Not gonna go into specifics but my living situation is er, less than ideal and I'm pretty much isolated at the moment. I can always talk to my friend who knows. Just need to limit it cos he has his own stuff he's dealing with. He would never turn me away but it's a respect thing.

Quote from: jetz on September 09, 2014, 03:58:33 AM
Hey adrian...all over the place is a good way to describe it. I can understand what you said about the girl loved by her parents although I'm a bit the opposite. I'm scared of my mum's reaction when I tell her but at the same time I don't think she'll be surprised. As a child I refused to wear girls clothes so she had to get mine from the boys section and now thinks I'm genderqueer. I have a lot of anxiety about that. I live far away from her so don't see her. When I move back to the same town as her I won't be hiding anything. I either have to tell her or wait for her to ask where my boobs went and then end up on the defensive. I don't know when I'm moving yet (it's complicated) but will be somewhere between 2 weeks and 2 months. After that move all immediate family will know. Not sure if your husband knows yet or not. Was just saying where I'm at. See this is my problem...I don't want to give myself time, haha! I went through all this last year when I came out as gay/genderqueer. I thought it was over...I was wrong! 

Just after I had finally figured it out for myself I was like "I have to start  transitioning RIGHT NOW", but I have since accepted that this will take time and that I need to give it time too. In a way, the fact that I'm married and care about my husband slows me down, but I'm accepting it as a good thing keeping me from rushing into something I'll regret later (not that I think I would, but....).

My husband knows but is in denial pretty much.

Lol, I can relate though - I just want get over and done with this too. I too started out by identifying as genderqueer, told my husband, told my therapist, then realized that wasn't all of it. Arghh!

You all must be in my head. For 47 years I have lived as a bio female, feeling oddly dissociated w myself n my body especially in sexual situations. I have long Id'd as a gay man in a female body but recently have come to realize its more than the way I think. Just real unsure how to proceed from here. Thanks for your thoughts they help

Patrick, as I mentioned, being married I'm determined to take things slow and get support - both for myself and for us as a couple. I have a great therapist who I hope will help me navigate all of this. I'm determined to take one step at a time - although I want to rush through this really...

That said I'm planning on coming out to people step by step (already started, in fact). I have an accepting and supportive circle of friends, I'm blessed there. I don't want to hide who I am because that makes me feel worse. I feel trapped as it is. But one thing I don't feel is ashamed, and I'm very grateful for that.

PM me, guys, if you feel like it.