Susan's Place Logo

News:

According to Google Analytics 25,259,719 users made visits accounting for 140,758,117 Pageviews since December 2006

Main Menu

The nonbinary process- tell us of your journey down that path to the forest

Started by Satinjoy, September 09, 2014, 11:41:53 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Satinjoy

Hello loved ones of non binary trans my dears

Tell us of your journey.  Taka has recently had some brilliant posts of theirs....

How have you progressed in your understanding of being non binary, what helped you, where has it taken you?

The path less travelled maybe?

Has it taken you to your truth?

Have you found your diamond core?

Have you become a force of blessing to others?

Are you proud of your multiple gender perceptions, or your wonderful androgyn blend?

How did you get there my dears, how did you discover yourselves?

For the joy of nonbinary trans.... the good of the forest.

Love to all, nails out hair down heart wide open and eager to live free....

Satinjoy
Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the red pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the little blue pills - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes

Sh'e took the little blue ones.
  •  

suzifrommd

Well, I feel funny posting this, because people have heard my story so many times I hear a collective groan.

But you ask, so here goes...

I started out trying to figure out why I couldn't make male friends. I took a look at my life and began wondering whether I wasn't completely male. I joined Susan's and began posting in the area for non-binary folks (called the androgyne section back then). I learned a lot about the non-binary community. I've always wanted to be a woman, and I realized that was a symptom of being transgender - that we didn't all feel like "a woman trapped in a man's body". When I learned I could transition, there was no stopping me.

Once I decided to transition, I distanced myself from the non-binary sections. I was intent on passing and on bringing about my medical transition, so I concentrated on the MtF stories so I could learn how to do that. I still didn't feel like a woman "inside" but I ignored that. I knew I needed to transition, and I assumed I'd begin to feel like a woman over time. My guiding words were:

I want to be a woman.
I hope to become one.
But I can't become one,
I'll gladly pretend, for the rest of my life if necessary.

I transitioned, all the way through SRS, but I never did "feel like a woman". I still felt like a man who'd put one over on the cis world and tricked them into letting me transition and be who I wanted to be.

Once I was done with my SRS, and I realized that I'd probably feel this way long term, I made a return to my roots - to the area of Susan's where I started.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled to be able to walk the earth as a woman. But I'm also facing the fact that I'm not completely female, that there is a piece of me that may always see myself as male.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
  •  

Dread_Faery

I'm female - at least physically - and I'm trying to figure out the rest. At the moment Demigirl or queergrrrl seem to fit as gender identities. I'm somewhere on the feminine spectrum but I don't "feel like a woman" what ever that means. And to be honest I never really did, I was always just me.
  •  

Mark3

Basically, I just know that I think different from most others guys, I always have, and I want to figure out why.?

I really hesitate elaborating on myself much yet, I tried to in the intro topic, but it quickly became obvious I don't understand very much yet about myself.? And I'm in no hurry to jump into anything, its most important to just become comfortably knowing why I feel different, then I can move to another step confidently.. 

I did change my gender status on Fb yesterday and posted a couple of signs curious of the response, which was zero, and I seem to have lost a bit of popularity overnight, being a bit ignored..? So guess the struggle begins now between being honest, or going back to hiding...?

Anyway, that's all for now...
"The soul is beyond male and female as it is beyond life and death."
  •  

Shantel

This will be good for another collective groan, but for the sake of the newer critters in the forest I will go over it again. I was a paratroop in a SE Asian war zone. I was hot, tired, filthy and badly in need of a shower, wanting clean dry, sweat free clothes and socks before my feet rotted off. I dropped my rifle and gear and went in the beer tent and quaffed down two quick Australian Lagers in sweating pint cans, the outside temperature was around 110 degrees F and the 6% alcohol caused my face to lose any feeling quickly. Someone showed me a Playboy centerfold and asked me if I'd like to do her, I said, hell no I want to be her. She was beautiful, clean and loved, her chances of being shot to death were zip while I was on the other side of the world from family and loved ones and just knew that I was going to die any day. Later on I actually did take two bullets that passed right through and missed my vitals completely and I was able to recover in country and rejoin my company later. I was overexposed to Agent Orange that would later modify my endocrine system, both my boys were born with major health problems which is attributable to that and I am currently rated 100% disabled with the VA, not that it has held me back in any way.

I knew nothing about transgender people for a very long time until I saw a MtF woman and suddenly the possibilities struck me hard. I had never had a dislike for my male body like so many but was disillusioned with the prevailing male role expectations that I had been submitted to in life. I hated male styles and had always preferred the color and styles available to women and wondered why the males of every species are the ones who are so beautifully adorned when the females are always rather bland. This was always predominantly true of aboriginal types in the western hemisphere. I began transitioning to MtF at warp speed and finally after several years decided that I'm not really a woman, though I share a lot of those physical and mental characteristics. I had never cared for labels and boxes either and disliked the peer pressure and group-think mentality that the trans community usually assumed that I would become fully female, this was the point at which I said no to SRS and opted for an orchiectomy and HRT as sufficient to meet my needs and settled into a non-binary androgynous presentation and lifestyle and it is quite comfy.
  •  

Mark3

Shantel, you're one of the coolest people I've ever met...!

Thanks for your inspiration..  :)
"The soul is beyond male and female as it is beyond life and death."
  •  

Shantel

Quote from: Mark3 on September 09, 2014, 04:03:41 PM
Shantel, you're one of the coolest people I've ever met...!

Thanks for your inspiration..  :)

You're so sweet Mark, but no I'm just another critter in your new forest home, there are a lot of others here who are truly cool, I'm just my dog Cody's best friend is all.
  •  

Taka

i've been writing my story down in bits and pieces around the forums these last few days.
i'm not sure i can manage to tell the story as properly again as some of those posts do together, so...
let's go treasure hunting?
  •  

Satinjoy

Yes you are all over the threads and your story has been told very well indeed my dear....

There are a lot of really terrific posts, IMO, that have come out since we had to lock that thread....

I have learned a whole lot, and every one of them from everyone here has stabilized me, which is truly a gift for me.

Blessings, and happy treasure hunting, this place is packed with it.

--Satinjoy
Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the red pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the little blue pills - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes

Sh'e took the little blue ones.
  •  

helen2010

Without subjecting folk to yet another life story, at the highest level I had experienced significant dysphoria for many years before I found a therapist who diagnosed me as trans*.  HRT,  FFS et al followed - this took me to a great place but I really couldn't relate to the whole gender performance expected of a binary transitioning mtf and stopped, paused and considered my options and my intent.

The irony was that I have always thought and reasoned in a very binary fashion.  Analytic and structured I rarely gave much weight to nuance or subjectivity when analytic thinking and 'objectivity' appeared to offer so much more.  As E rewired my brain and I became more empathetic, more nuanced and better connected with myself and with others, I realised that the journey I had thought that I was taking was in fact far deeper and more profound than a binary adoption of a F presentation, identity and role.   In essence my real journey was to go within.  Understanding, really understanding and connecting with my soul required me to unpack years of socialisation and assumptions then reassemble myself, piece by piece.  Actually, reassembly sounds too mechanical, my journey was an evolution, a growth rather than a structured step by step construction project.

In doing this I realised that I had access to all of the gendered qualities and experiences that I desired if I let go of binary thinking, and an illogical need to conform or fit with the expectations of others.  This was a simple but quite profound learning which has led me to passionately advocate a NB identity as it seems to me to provide the greatest amplitude of human experience available to any of us.

Perhaps it may be better seen as that I started down the path buying into the popular story line of binary transformation,  however I put down this book when I realised that I could and should write my own story.  As I looked within,  rather than looked without, I didn't see a bright pink and I no longer saw a deep blue.  What I saw was the purest crystal, this crystal was in essence my soul.  I understood that my soul was not gendered as we know it, it had the potential to reflect, transmit and produce multiple colours according to situation, intent and awareness.  What made it really exciting was understanding that this crystal, this soul, this essence was connected with each and every other soul on this planet and their interdependence provided the opportunity to compose a symphony, a great epic and a rich and meaningful life if I accepted and stepped beyond the binary.

My journey within the forest continues.  The paths are no longer physical.  They are far more spiritual and best accessed through meditation and the pursuit of a conscious, empowered and authentic life which recognises and celebrates the power of a non binary reality.   When I meet a kindred spirit, my heart leaps and my soul sings.  The trees seem to stand taller and their auras seem more pronounced.

Life is very good indeed.

Safe travels

Aisla
  •  

Jess42

I don't think I ever really took the journey. I think I have always been there. Or here or wherever this place is at. Without going into a big long analysis, I will keep it short and sweet. I was all the time mistaken for a girl when I was really young. During puberty I developed Gynecomastia. Smaller hands and wrists and long slender fingers with the 1:1 ratio. As a matter of fact with my ring size and my real name, during my Junior year in high school I got sent a female class ring. The company thought that the male part was a mistake. So I had to send it back and get the male ring. Should have kept the female ring after all. No Adam's apple and on the phone or on a radio I am mistaken more for female than male. I don't wear watches because men's watches look too funny on my wrist. So pretty much nature and coincidence pushed me down the path. I guess I was just along for the ride. I just more or less looked around one day and said, wow I am really not normal. So I just accepted that I was different. Yes there have been problems and yes there have been advantages. But I guess that is just the way it is. So I've always had a fairly easy time going back and forth, but the more time goes on the less I want to go back and forth and would rather let the female take full control. That is where I am right now, tomorrow may be different and next week different still. But the pull toward female is getting stronger and the male is getting weaker. I am afraid of HRT because I would hate to think I wasted 2/3 of my life thinking one thing and finding out I should have done something else a long time ago. ???
  •  

Mark3

My journey continues....
Every day it seems, I have learned something new about myself, or about the rest of the world..
My path has had so many twists and turns in it so far, I can't imagine what tommorow will bring..?

The past week I've basically come out(strange sounding words when its me) as non binary publically on my Fb and to about everyone I know.. My family is all dead, so nothing to tell them..
But as far as all my old friends on soc. Media, 2 have told me they understood, all the rest have ignored me since, its obvious they aren't impressed, and figure theyll just move on I guess, thank you CIS friends who said we were like family....  I think the reality of what I was and where I was trying to fit in has hit me now, and it isn't as pleasant of a place as I used to think it was...  But I am growing more self confident, and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as I thought it might, in fact, I'm relived to see the truth, so I can also move on to better things..

I've read others write about how important Susans is for them, and some give this group credit for much in they're lives.. I certainly understand that now also, some of you here have literally changed my entire life..

I was up at sunrise this morning, out standing in the middle of a lovely grass field with the dogs.. I just felt so good for a change, peaceful, happy, complete... I cried.. I am now...
Im still the same person I was, but now I don't feel there must be something wrong with me for how I feel because I'm not like they are, now I know there's something special about me, and it is so so right..!!

That's where I am as of today.. I'm sure there will be more to come in the days ahead...!

Love to you all..  :) :) :)
"The soul is beyond male and female as it is beyond life and death."
  •  

jaybutterfly

Well where do I start? Always figured I was somehow different from others, relating more to girls than boys. As I got older I tried crossdressing and liked it. These days I aim for a femme presentation and it helps me massively.


I have a friend who is bi gender, she helped me a lot with coming to terms with my identity, as has the Transition Channel, this website. I found doctors pretty unhelpful but thats not my issue. For me, the truth is, I don't know where I am if I was to put myself in a category, unless we use transfeminine, but even thats not a perfect fit. My current goals are to get over the slight feeling of shame that I have over my body, and my fears of close, interpersonal relatioships.
  •  

Shantel

Quote from: Mark3 on September 16, 2014, 08:04:48 AM
My journey continues....
Every day it seems, I have learned something new about myself, or about the rest of the world..
My path has had so many twists and turns in it so far, I can't imagine what tommorow will bring..?

The past week I've basically come out(strange sounding words when its me) as non binary publically on my Fb and to about everyone I know.. My family is all dead, so nothing to tell them..
But as far as all my old friends on soc. Media, 2 have told me they understood, all the rest have ignored me since, its obvious they aren't impressed, and figure theyll just move on I guess, thank you CIS friends who said we were like family....  I think the reality of what I was and where I was trying to fit in has hit me now, and it isn't as pleasant of a place as I used to think it was...  But I am growing more self confident, and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as I thought it might, in fact, I'm relived to see the truth, so I can also move on to better things..

I've read others write about how important Susans is for them, and some give this group credit for much in they're lives.. I certainly understand that now also, some of you here have literally changed my entire life..

I was up at sunrise this morning, out standing in the middle of a lovely grass field with the dogs.. I just felt so good for a change, peaceful, happy, complete... I cried.. I am now...
Im still the same person I was, but now I don't feel there must be something wrong with me for how I feel because I'm not like they are, now I know there's something special about me, and it is so so right..!!

That's where I am as of today.. I'm sure there will be more to come in the days ahead...!

Love to you all..  :) :) :)

Good thoughts Mark, there's so much there that we can all relate to in so many ways. Those that we assumed were friends from all of their previous comments about feeling like family and so on, always seem to slink off into the shadows and disappear and those few steadfast hangers on are indeed the real McCoys, the rest were merely former associates and frankly aren't worth shedding a tear over. In a different era they would be the first ones to turn you into the Gestapo or the Vopos to secure some personal advantage. It's so much better to be ahead of the curve and know who you can really count on when a push comes to a shove, because they will be there for you. Times like this we have the choice of feeling bad about losing some "friends" or we can count the ones that remain as our blessings!
  •  

Sammy

Oh, this will be quite boring read so proceed at Your own discretion.
I was born 36 years ago in the country which does not exist anymore. Ever since I remember myself I considered myself a girl and when I was told that I am not, I desperately wanted to become one. Was told to shut that down or else doctors will be invited. Took it so serious that eventually shut down everything else and kept all my private life to myself.  Went through period of teenage crossdressing and was deeply ashamed of that. When my body started to change, stopped doing that because it brought more pain than everything else. Could never relate to boys but was not in friends with girls either. Always considered myself a "stranger in the strange land", wanderer and passer-by brought here by some mistake. Nothing could bind me or hold my interest.
Being inherent misfit, I was bullied since first grade - was never bullied as trans or gay because back then nobody knew what that meant. So it was mostly because I refused to join schoolboy gangs (silly kid games), socialise with them and play by their rules - I always made a point for myself that all rules can be bent or broken - if needed. Nothing is absolute and undertaking obligations is an act of stupidity. Also, being a serious piano player and having permanent leave from sports did help a lot of with my "popularity". When I was 15, I discovered the world of fantasy and science fiction and it compeletely transformed me. I could live in those books as other people and live their lives, full with adventures and cool things going on. I would often imagine myself as Conan, Tarzan or John Carter and think that being like them might help to solve my problems (and it also helped to deal with that tremendous amount of shame because I used to crossdress and had all those weird thought who just wont go away). And then realised that I can be like them... I started to train in martial arts and lift weights. And soon I was able to fend off those who wanted to follow the old routine and just kick or punch me because it was fun. I was physically the most developed boy in our class - yet they did not accept me. They feared me a bit but I was still the stranger. And I learned that I dont really want to have a revenge on them either - I was content with them leaving me and others alone.
Times went by, I became better at martial arts, joined historical re-enactment groups, became proficient with sword, bow, crossbow, longstaff. Took the firearm courses, cliff-hanging and learned to ride. Still, could not fit in.
Until the very graduation, could not figure out what I want to do with my life - almost joined Military Academy but realised that it would be the same "boys locker room 24/7/365" except this time I would have asked for that... By simple chance started to study law and figured out that it had certain appeal. Fall in love for the first time and could not figure out what I was supposed to do. Never told her or anyone else -it would have been easier without having to see her every day during our studies. Considered myself as a loser of a guy because those things seemed so natural for everyone else. Yet, could not figure out why most of other guys speak so bad about girls and are so obsessed with sex and everything. Yeah, I did not fit in there either, but in uni it does not really matter anymore. 
Made a lot of acquaintances but just a few friends. Tried to start relationships but either failed or got friendzoned and kept thinking about myself as a loser-guy. Got more and more numb emotionally and shuffled all inconvenient memories so deep that I forgot that I even had them. I was 100% sure that it was just a phase which ended in my teens because I forced myself to man up. I had no idea about GD but once in a while a strange, stomach turning and suffocating sadness would overcome me, driving me out, wandering outside for hours and hours, and making me instantly remember that wherever and no matter how far I may go - I will always remain a stranger.
The turning point was when I learned about HRT. In my total and absolute ignorance, I never searched anything about transsexualism (because I considered having won that battle) and GD. When it all came back, suddenly and unexpectedly, I started to search for answers (deep inside I knew all those questions) and was shocked when I realised that it was all my fault and there are very few choices, most of which would involve pain and humiliation.
To skip it, yeah, I considered myself binary MtF for quite a long time until... I realised that no matter what, but I am a stranger even to them. Another wave of shock and despair, because peace and happiness seemed so close. I will never become a girl, because I was not born as one, and was socialised as "kinda boy". I feel awkward around men, yet I feel inherent difference between me and my female friends. I am inherently different and that is going to remain that way no matter what I would do. It is time to suck it up and go on with this ultimate quest of finding purpose of my life. Now, I am here, in this ever-changing Mythago Wood, surrounded by other beings and creatures, beautiful and scary in their diversity. Many of them, I dont understand, but I know - my understanding matters little to them. Acceptance and kindness - those are qualities which matter.
And... I still dont know, if I am here to stay or I am just a wanderer, passer-by, stranger in a strange forest... But You know what? For the first time in my life - it does not matter anymore.
   
  •  

Shantel

Emily,
      I read it entirely and it was not boring, it simply consolidates you as being one of us and no you are not alone honey!
  •  

Sammy

Quote from: Shantel on September 16, 2014, 12:58:59 PM
Emily,
      I read it entirely and it was not boring, it simply consolidates you as being one of us and no you are not alone honey!

Thank You, Shantie :). You always kept my spirits up when I went low... But, we come into this world alone and we leave it alone.. What happens between - is up to us :).
  •  

Shantel

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on September 16, 2014, 01:00:38 PM
Thank You, Shantie :). You always kept my spirits up when I went low... But, we come into this world alone and we leave it alone.. What happens between - is up to us :).

So true, consider yourself loved by this old person. Maybe we can hold hands in the next life?
  •  

Sammy

Quote from: Shantel on September 16, 2014, 01:02:56 PM
So true, consider yourself loved by this old person. Maybe we can hold hands in the next life?

Lets make a wish... And who ever gets there first, will wait for the other, ok?

And dammit, but You just made me cry...
  •  

Jess42

Wow Emily. I read your entire post and did not find it boring in the least. Actually kind of interesting and our paths might have been almost exact if you were her or I was there. It kind of makes me feel fortunate in the things that I chose in that I could be the odd one, the crazy one, the one that never fit in without all the negative consequences except for the four years in the military. Everything I tried male was a great big male fail. Football, even flag football, Pfffttt. Yeah right. I heard Wussy and another name that starts with "P" and I just thought to myself, "we are what we want to have the most". ;) I was on the bench watching and after the first game never got to play again. Didn't really want to anyway. ::)

Everything purely male I have ever tried, I failed desperately at. Just couldn't put my heart into it. Don't even really know how I made it through basic training to be completely honest. :-\ Maybe I am just weird, off, odd or whatever else. I guess I'm just me though whatever that is worth.
  •