Oh, this will be quite boring read so proceed at Your own discretion.
I was born 36 years ago in the country which does not exist anymore. Ever since I remember myself I considered myself a girl and when I was told that I am not, I desperately wanted to become one. Was told to shut that down or else doctors will be invited. Took it so serious that eventually shut down everything else and kept all my private life to myself. Went through period of teenage crossdressing and was deeply ashamed of that. When my body started to change, stopped doing that because it brought more pain than everything else. Could never relate to boys but was not in friends with girls either. Always considered myself a "stranger in the strange land", wanderer and passer-by brought here by some mistake. Nothing could bind me or hold my interest.
Being inherent misfit, I was bullied since first grade - was never bullied as trans or gay because back then nobody knew what that meant. So it was mostly because I refused to join schoolboy gangs (silly kid games), socialise with them and play by their rules - I always made a point for myself that all rules can be bent or broken - if needed. Nothing is absolute and undertaking obligations is an act of stupidity. Also, being a serious piano player and having permanent leave from sports did help a lot of with my "popularity". When I was 15, I discovered the world of fantasy and science fiction and it compeletely transformed me. I could live in those books as other people and live their lives, full with adventures and cool things going on. I would often imagine myself as Conan, Tarzan or John Carter and think that being like them might help to solve my problems (and it also helped to deal with that tremendous amount of shame because I used to crossdress and had all those weird thought who just wont go away). And then realised that I can be like them... I started to train in martial arts and lift weights. And soon I was able to fend off those who wanted to follow the old routine and just kick or punch me because it was fun. I was physically the most developed boy in our class - yet they did not accept me. They feared me a bit but I was still the stranger. And I learned that I dont really want to have a revenge on them either - I was content with them leaving me and others alone.
Times went by, I became better at martial arts, joined historical re-enactment groups, became proficient with sword, bow, crossbow, longstaff. Took the firearm courses, cliff-hanging and learned to ride. Still, could not fit in.
Until the very graduation, could not figure out what I want to do with my life - almost joined Military Academy but realised that it would be the same "boys locker room 24/7/365" except this time I would have asked for that... By simple chance started to study law and figured out that it had certain appeal. Fall in love for the first time and could not figure out what I was supposed to do. Never told her or anyone else -it would have been easier without having to see her every day during our studies. Considered myself as a loser of a guy because those things seemed so natural for everyone else. Yet, could not figure out why most of other guys speak so bad about girls and are so obsessed with sex and everything. Yeah, I did not fit in there either, but in uni it does not really matter anymore.
Made a lot of acquaintances but just a few friends. Tried to start relationships but either failed or got friendzoned and kept thinking about myself as a loser-guy. Got more and more numb emotionally and shuffled all inconvenient memories so deep that I forgot that I even had them. I was 100% sure that it was just a phase which ended in my teens because I forced myself to man up. I had no idea about GD but once in a while a strange, stomach turning and suffocating sadness would overcome me, driving me out, wandering outside for hours and hours, and making me instantly remember that wherever and no matter how far I may go - I will always remain a stranger.
The turning point was when I learned about HRT. In my total and absolute ignorance, I never searched anything about transsexualism (because I considered having won that battle) and GD. When it all came back, suddenly and unexpectedly, I started to search for answers (deep inside I knew all those questions) and was shocked when I realised that it was all my fault and there are very few choices, most of which would involve pain and humiliation.
To skip it, yeah, I considered myself binary MtF for quite a long time until... I realised that no matter what, but I am a stranger even to them. Another wave of shock and despair, because peace and happiness seemed so close. I will never become a girl, because I was not born as one, and was socialised as "kinda boy". I feel awkward around men, yet I feel inherent difference between me and my female friends. I am inherently different and that is going to remain that way no matter what I would do. It is time to suck it up and go on with this ultimate quest of finding purpose of my life. Now, I am here, in this ever-changing Mythago Wood, surrounded by other beings and creatures, beautiful and scary in their diversity. Many of them, I dont understand, but I know - my understanding matters little to them. Acceptance and kindness - those are qualities which matter.
And... I still dont know, if I am here to stay or I am just a wanderer, passer-by, stranger in a strange forest... But You know what? For the first time in my life - it does not matter anymore.