TRIGGER WARNING!!!

I know I don't come here often anymore, I'm well along into my transition and am now preparing for bottom surgery next year. I wish I could say everything is going amazing and that I'm happy with loved ones, unfortunately I can't. These have been the worst two years of my life, I am knowing nothing but abuse and neglect. I don't know what happiness is, Everyone I've known has hurt me in one way or another.

This past Friday took the cake. A friend whom I knew since I first started college four years ago, who I was developing a sexual relationship this summer raped me. I told him I didn't want to have or experiment with sex at all but he ignored me. He went in and took advantage and forced himself on me. I feel extremely hurt and everything, all the abuse and bullying I faced is crashing down on me.

I don't remember my childhood because I completely blocked the trauma I experienced. With a few exceptions most friends I had bullied and/or used me in one way or another. Boy scouts was horrible because I was reminded constantly of how much of an incompetent idiot I was at most everything and was never given a real chance. I never fit in, I was bullied for everything I didn't get and I was never given a chance to learn. No one gave me a single ounce of respect, I was outcasted and getting Eagle Scout was painful.

Two years ago myfriends I had at the time turned on me after I came out and was hospitalized for suicide. In the emergency room where I spent a almost two days in abused and hurt me. I recieved no treatment whatsoever, they just dumped me in this cold room with others. When I was freaking out all they did was threaten to restrain and drug me. The hospital I was transferred did nothing except send me off to a therapist who did ->-bleeped-<- and my wonderful psychiatrist whom I love dearly for helping me so much, she is the one professional who I feel truly cares.

My friends at the time hurt me in so many ways, saying horrible stuff about my depression and transition. They were scared I would assault them, told me they'd always see it as a man hitting them, told me I was confusing for coming out as a lesbian. Slowly they drifted from me and put all the blame squarely on me. I couldn't relax because every little thing I did was wrong and I was called stupid and an idiot to no end.

Last Thanksgiving I was experiencing a bad breakdown, I was caught by this one person from the support group I go to. She was just as unstable as I was, she fell too hard for me and went too far with sex. After the Thanksgive party at group we all went to her house to party. There was so much alcohol, I drank so much and barely remember the night. All I remember was flirting a little with my crush at the time and everything went to ->-bleeped-<- and I was left hurt. Later in the spring I was chilling with her and smoking some pot. It became obvious she still had feelings and as I was passing out and still high she took advantage . She sexually assaulted me before I came to my senses and left.

I do have my best friend Erica whom without her I would have killed myself. The problem is she lives in NYC for college and has so much on her plate. She struggles with mental illness and it is so hard to receive emotional support from her. I have struggled so much just to connect with anyone, the one person I started to moved just as we got close.

Right now I'm struggling bad to pick up the pieces, I'm left broken. I don't know what love feels like, I feel that I can't trust anyone because I'll just be taken advantage of. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any hope because every time I do and things are starting to look nice it gets dashed away and I'm left abandoned and hurt. The only thing I have left is my transition, I'm finally becoming happy with my body. I just want life to start going my way for once. I just don't know about life anymore, I guess I just needed to rant and try to get my story out. Thanks for just reading and listening to me ramble on.

Hugs. Sadly some health institutions fail in their duty of care and some people put their fears in the way of friendship while others are predators of the worst kind. Unfortunately it can be hard to discern the danger until it is too late. I hope you can find some supportive and safe environments soon.

*Holds close* I feel so much sorrow for you sweetie.  I wish you had better friends and more support.  Ever since I began my transition, I've been mainly getting support from my mother, brother, friends.  I know my dad will most likely disown me, though we've been drifting apart for years, and he lives in another state.  So I'm preparing myself mentally for that.  I prey that you find happiness and love, and don't go the statistical way.  You will forever have a true friend and sister in me.  *Comfort hugs* - Christina

First of all report the crime with the police.

Things are better then years or even a year ago and hate crimes are not accepted anymore.

No matter how you look at it, it is a sex crime. When one person says no it means no.

So report and then talk to your therapist to help with the PTSD.

Hugs

I'm just unsure what to do. Life just seems to relentlessly attack me. All I wish is for support and every time I get hurt. I'm autistic so I can get overwhelming too. No one just seems to understand that and I get blamed for everything. I feel like I've been designed for failure my whole life. Never once did any of my peers encouraged or even congratulated me for anything

Hugs. I'm sorry you have gotten hurt every time around instead of getting support. I have been fortunate to have great support from those around me. I suppose that is partially a result of how selective I was over the years with choosing my friends. As far as the abuse, you really do need to report it and then as others have said please do talk to your therapist about this. I know it doesn't make up for the lack of support from you friends and family, but it will help.

My one and only wish now in life for one person to understand care for and just be there for me.....

life can be hard. I've never had anyone on my side except for my mother and father and my therapists. I've had to rely on myself and God, I'm a survivor.

My one wish is to have someone who's nice and gentle and supportive who lives by me. I'm really hating life and have been suicidal for a long while

Riley, this is one of those times I hesitate to say anything because what can you say to someone who's experiencing the stuff you are?  But I suppose I will say what immediately came to my mind: you need to relocate.  Dump those people who are worse than useless to you.  Go somewhere else where perhaps you can start making a life for yourself.

I don't know how practical this would be for you.  It was an idea I was considering at one time, and it wouldn't have been the least bit practical for me.  So it may not be for you.  But if it's a possibility at all, maybe you'd want to think about it.  Maybe not straightaway, since you've got your surgery (and perhaps other things) to deal with.  But once those things are out of the way, then maybe it's something to think about.

I hardly know what to tell you, except to echo the others and assure you you have all my sympathy.

Best wishes,
Foxglove

Riley,
Lets talk about this for a minute.  You were violently assaulted.  You were violated and raped.  This is beyond wrong sweetie, It is evil.  Remember this, you were treated with evil by someone you loved and called friend.  Beyond that you are alone and feel abandoned by everyone who matters.  It doesn't get much worse.

So what to do? 

First, it isn't your fault.  You did nothing to warrant this.  There is no excuse or justification that can be put forward that has any validity.  Did he even apologize?  Even if he did it is inadequate. It is insufficient.  Whether you go to the police is your decision.  I would, but I'm not there.

Second, You are your best resource.  You deserve to be happy joyous and free.  What do you need to do to get there?  Feelings of abandonment do not leave without action.  You are beautiful, there is a place for you in this amazing world.  If I was closer to Long Island that 3000 miles, I would be there for you now.
Even though you don't know me, I know you.  I have been you.  When they put me in 72 hour hold, I was with people who were hallucinating, and completely scary.  Nobody talked to me. Nobody!!  I have never been so humiliated or angry in my life.  I told myself that the next time there would be no asking for help, there would be no witnesses.  I'm grateful that the next time there were people, that someone was paying attention.  0kay, you have my attention.  Send me a note and you'll have my phone number. Use it!  I love you. 

Third, Be gentle on your soul.  The anger, pain, fear, sadness will pass.  Not all at once, but it will pass.  Who is nearby?  Do you have a counselor?  Do you know other trans people?  We are everywhere.  We exist, and by and large exist for each other first and always.

Fourth, Breathe, gently and intentionally.  When the panic comes breathe.  When terror comes breathe.  When all is lost breathe.

I wish you peace.

Julie

I feel hurt, beyond anything I could imagine. My trust in people has been shattered. I have known nothing but abandonment, abuse and neglect by everyone I knew. I can't connect with my parents as they were just so distant and I judge them hard because of my autism. I know the world is not a fair place, it is a cruel and heartless place that does its very best to kill you, even if you are still "alive". I'm angry and upset, I have a few friends that are scattered and not near me, other people I met at a trans support group don't want to be with me are are so ->-bleeped-<-ing busy that they can't see me. I'm trying my best to survive but it is killing me, it is slowly killing me and dragging me down

I just ask if one person, just one that I live by can be understanding and unconditionally care about me. I want the torture to end, I want to be treated gently and lovingly but I have no hope that it'll ever happen, it is just a silly little pipe dream. No one will love me, I'm autistic, severely depressed and have many years worth of baggage. I constantly think that it would be better if I were to just die, that way I couldn't feel pain. To me it is better to feel nothing than this pain. The only reason I'm alive is because of my friend Alissa, she is the only person who truly understands me but she is far away

Will I ever find love, will I ever be treated with kindness and do I even deserve it?

Okay, Listen up.

You are worthy and will find love.  Autism makes connecting sometimes almost impossible.  Work with your counselor and others to try.  Never give up.  Never give in to fear and isolation.

Depression is a disease and treatable.  Yours probably comes from abuse and being disconnected from people and the world.  Never give up.

Be grateful for Alissa, for me the special ones make going on possible.
Never give up.

Don't sell the love and support available here short.  I haven't received your message yet.
Never give up.

You will be treated with kindness and respect here.  Always.  The only requirement is honesty and willingness.

You deserve kindness, love and happiness.  For some of us it is harder to find than for others, It will always be found if we search for it long enough.

Peace,
Julie

I don't want to be hurt again. I don't have any trust for people. I would rather just stay inside than go out meeting new people. I'm scared they will all end the same. I can't handle that anymore. I don't believe a deserve anything good and that all this is what I deserve

Quote from: Riley Skye on September 10, 2014, 02:55:21 PM
I don't want to be hurt again. I don't have any trust for people. I would rather just stay inside than go out meeting new people. I'm scared they will all end the same. I can't handle that anymore. I don't believe a deserve anything good and that all this is what I deserve

Hold On! You CAN and you WILL get through this.  We, as a group, are among the most courageous people on the planet right now.  Why?  Because no matter how afraid we are we push through.  We continue.  That is the epitome of courage.  And you are full to the brim with it!  Just keep going.  Still get out there and meet people, try to make some connections.  I understand it is difficult for you, I'm on the spectrum as well, and know exactly how hard it is to make connections with people. 

To keep on going, find something you can focus on, like making music or participating in a hobby.  For me, I found friends through getting involved with a Dungeons and Dragons group.  We play, socializing at the same time, and the roleplay allows a lot of frustration and other negative emotions to escape.  From my personal experience, non-electronic gamers (i.e. D&D, board games, etc.) tend to be pretty open minded and accepting.  The friends I've made have been deep ones, and accepting of who I am, and always there when I need them, in whatever manner I do, just as I am for them. 

Stay strong Riley, and stay Courageous.  I hope this helps. 

Quote from: Riley Skye on September 10, 2014, 12:56:49 PM
My one wish is to have someone who's nice and gentle and supportive who lives by me. I'm really hating life and have been suicidal for a long while

well, suicide is not the answer , there is no doubt  life can be bitch, but there is a lot of good to be had. volunteer at a hospital help someone by  going to the grocery store for them give someone a helping hand. take your mind off your own problems. I can tell you a hard life story . the world is full of them, but life is so precious even if your the only one that hears your voice. I'm not lying to you, I've suffered the abyss of  loneliness ,but I've  also seen radiant joy.

Riley Hugs, I am so very sorry this happened. You are not to blame for what happened. Someone did this to you and deserves to be punished. Please do not blame yourself.

Riley, you are a good person and don't deserve this. I know this is very difficult and coping with the situation can be overwhelming; especially with so many negative things that have happened.

Please try to concentrate on what just happened not not all things that have been difficult. The recent event, it is important to repeat when the bad thoughts fill your mind that you are a good person, you did not deserve this and the perpetrator is to blame. Please put the horrible event into its rightful perspective. Next, and this is very important, find an therapist that is skilled in Gestalt therapy and release the energy and create an alternate ending. I have used the technique for sexual and physical abuse with a trained Gestalt therapist.  The therapy takes time and is very draining and emotional and a life saver.

Sweetie, please believe me, you are a beautiful person and there is a match waiting for you. You need to get well and you need help to do this,

Love Cynthia.

Sending you many cyber huggles! Riley hun, none of this is your fault. I truly wish I lived close to you and I could be that friend your looking for. Just hang in there. Things can and will get better. Take it from someone who's been through a literal hell.

When I was young on my adopted fathers side of the family we had what everyone called a "funny uncle," who would grab and touch us kids in inappropriate places. He was especially curious about my private parts, and I and other kids were left alone with this pervert. So I have some idea of how your feeling. Don't get me wrong I feel you had it way worse lately. But I do know things do get better if you give them a lil time.

In the meantime please know we're all here to support you any way we can. Feel free to pm me anytime if you need to talk, rant, cry, or just yell at someone. Don't worry I can take it.

Many huggles!
Ally

Thank you guys, I've sought out some help. I just have so much on my mind and a ton of anxiety and depression. I just wish people by would understand me, I have no self worth anymore unfortunately. But today I saw a counselor to seek some therapy to heal from my rape and then expand so I can heal. I may be an atheist but I'm praying everyday for healing, it is time I begin to learn to love myself

Good on You!  You might as well join the crowd of people who think you are something special.

Later
Julie