I'm having issues defining my identity. I am DMAB, and the one thing I know 100% is that I do not want to be a "man." Because of this, I've identified as a trans girl for a while, but there are some things about my identity that confuse me.

I feel like I might be female, because I do have dysphoria, mostly towards my body hair and facial hair as well as my height and deep voice. I also much prefer female fashion to male fashion, and I would love to have curves.

The reason I'm questioning myself is because I'm constantly finding myself attracted to gay men. When I see a homosexual couple, I'm more likely to feel jealous of their relationship than a straight couple. Basically, based on my life experiences, I'm not a huge fan of straight dudes in general. Also, I find the stereotypical "gay lisp" and "gay face" kind of cute if they aren't obnoxiously flamboyant.
Also, I love short hair dyed different colors. I am interested in having long hair in the future, but I very much would love to have a short, colorful hairstyle, that is fairly common in the non-binary community.
Finally, I've thought a lot that I would actually really like to be viewed by people in a way where they might wonder "Is that a boy or a girl?" I think the look I want to go for is, androgynous and cute...? maybe? I DON'T KNOW ahhhh.

In conclusion, right now I feel like I should identify as female and transition to blend as a normal female because my self esteem is very low, and I have never been one to want attention drawn to me, but I feel like once I get smooth features, curves, and lose my body hair, I'll feel comfortable enough in my body to do what I really want to. It all depends on whether or not HRT will boost my confidence and self esteem.

So do you all think I'm a transgirl, agender, trans-feminine, femeandrogynous, or something else? I'm really not sure and its making me feel kind of like I don't even know myself.



P.S. Sorry. This post was kind of a mess, but so am I, so there isn't much I can do about it.

I don't know if you have one or not, but a good therapist preferably with gender experience could help you a lot in deciding. One thing you can not do is expect HRT to solve confidence or esteem issue's. Some of the effects can be permanent as well so make sure before you start it. I wish you the best!! 

I agree with Jessica, a good gender therapist can help you sort out how you want to express. Just because you start at one place does not mean you can not end up at another or be fluid.

Ashlotte,

Think back to trans 101: Sex and gender are different things.  So being attracted to gay men, feminine men, is completely independent of your identity-this is coming from someone who is attracted to androgynous/gender-bendy people of all shapes, sizes, and identities.  And as for wanting short hair-women can have short hair.  Just because we are trans doesn't mean our presentation needs to be ultra feminine, because somehow if we aren't it negates our identity.  What I mean to say is that you can transition and have curves and a body you can be happy with, but also cut your hair short and rock that androgynous look.  It's what I've been doing for the past two and a half years.

Jessica is right-HRT won't fix your self esteem issues entirely-but in my case it really did make me feel a lot better about my body, and that does help with self esteem.  I'm just now getting to the point where I actually see myself when I look into a mirror and it's an amazing feeling.  I do feel more confident, and happier.  I want to stress that you are still going to have a laundry list of baggage to get through once you get towards the end of your transition, but it does help, it helped me a lot. 

Finally, a word on labels: Stop using them. They're great tools when you're trying to figure out what you are, but in reality it just becomes another set of things that you must/cannot do or be if you want to use a certain word.  Just do what would make you happy, and you comfortable.  The rest will come on it's own.  You'll figure it all out soon enough, and when you do it'll be a marvelous moment.  Not to be a cliche, but it does get better.

Best,
Sasha

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on September 07, 2014, 11:53:20 AM
Ashlotte,

Think back to trans 101: Sex and gender are different things.  So being attracted to gay men, feminine men, is completely independent of your identity-this is coming from someone who is attracted to androgynous/gender-bendy people of all shapes, sizes, and identities.  And as for wanting short hair-women can have short hair.  Just because we are trans doesn't mean our presentation needs to be ultra feminine, because somehow if we aren't it negates our identity.  What I mean to say is that you can transition and have curves and a body you can be happy with, but also cut your hair short and rock that androgynous look.  It's what I've been doing for the past two and a half years.

Jessica is right-HRT won't fix your self esteem issues entirely-but in my case it really did make me feel a lot better about my body, and that does help with self esteem.  I'm just now getting to the point where I actually see myself when I look into a mirror and it's an amazing feeling.  I do feel more confident, and happier.  I want to stress that you are still going to have a laundry list of baggage to get through once you get towards the end of your transition, but it does help, it helped me a lot. 

Finally, a word on labels: Stop using them. They're great tools when you're trying to figure out what you are, but in reality it just becomes another set of things that you must/cannot do or be if you want to use a certain word.  Just do what would make you happy, and you comfortable.  The rest will come on it's own.  You'll figure it all out soon enough, and when you do it'll be a marvelous moment.  Not to be a cliche, but it does get better.

Best,
Sasha

Thank you, Sasha! This post really helped me. I've identified as both male and female, and while I branded each label, I felt restricted to a certain lifestyle. I'm going to try doing what I really want for once. The problem is, it's been so long since I've felt as though I had that freedom, and I'm not even totally sure what I want anymore. I think I might need spiritual healing to be honest. Currently I'm trying to lucid dream to get a glimpse at my own subconscious. I'm excited for my revelation. Thank you so much for this reply.

Ahhh, trying to get in touch with your subconscious?  It's always a difficult feat, but the payoff is often huge.  I found that keeping a diary and writing free-form entries helped me immensely.  Sometimes, things tend to just slip out.  Intensive introspection also works well, and that's how I fully came in touch with my identity.  Besides, writing is easier to do on a daily basis than lucid dreaming!  Give it a shot-it'll help a lot, trust me.

Also.  Aren't you just 17?  I have yet to meet anyone who doesn't feel restricted at that age.  Just be patient, soon you'll be able to surround yourself with people who live without labels.