I transitioned when I was fourteen. My parents supported me so I never completed puberty, thanks to HRT. I've been living stealth for many years, changed my birth certificate, etc. However, as girly as I maybe, I fear every second that someone will clock me. Maybe it's because just recently I stopped wearing make up? But I'm trying to see how passable I am without it. So far so good. I started a new school, and my two BFFs did not know till I told them. Even then, thought I was lying. How do I gain confidence?

I pass 100% of the time and it constantly stresses me out. I think it's something you just have to get over or accept as is. I don't know if I'll feel better when I actually have facial hair and can take my shirt off. But for now I'm constantly worried, even though nobody ever guesses that I'm trans.

I've been full time for eight years. I began HRT when I was fourteen. I am legally a female, birth certificate, passport, etc. Even though I am passable, I still fear people will find out. Outside my family, I am stealth. I just began a new school, nobody knows (I hope). My two friends did not believe me when I told them. Since I started this school, I've only worn make up twice. That's probably why I feel so lousy. Lol.

I guess if one is anxious about being outed then it would increase anxiety. I'm not stealth and don't expect I'm ever likely to be, but I do pass (or so it would seem) so that in and of itself does not make me anxious.

18, 9 months on HRT, and "passing" is the least of my worries. Yet, I know what you mean... Being read as male anymore isn't as real as a thing as it used to be for me, so I get super distraught when I am misgendered in public. It seems to be more of the thought of being under the radar and then found out than just looked at funny for "crossdressing" that is nerve-racking anymore.

Did that make any sense? I hope so. My mind is flying in 40000 different directions at once at the moment.

To me, passing and stealth are two different things.  Passing means people who haven't been told wouldn't know you're trans.  Stealth means you do your best to not tell anyone.  And I can see why that would be stressful.  It's like being undercover investigating a drug cartel.  If they find out who you are...your cover is blown and some s**t is about to go down.

I only really worry when I'm with people who know I'm trans and we are all going to be around people who don't know I'm trans.  I've definitely been outed by people who know I'm trans to people who don't know I'm trans, often times unintentionally, so it definately makes me very anxious and worry those who know I'm trans will slip up somehow. 

I pass fine, apparently, and knowing that makes me more at ease when I'm out and about.

Passing has eased my social anxiety a ton. Now the question whether or not someone knows is something I'm not concerned about. There are friends in my life that I have yet to disclose to but I'm not very close to them so I don't see the point. But if for whatever reason they do find out and I'm outed I won't deny it, it'd be the perfect opportunity to give some education. The only person that I'm willing to tell right off the bat is someone I'm dating but I'm not dating right now so that's not even a worry either.

I look at my transition as something deeply personal and it's not something I'm willing to share with every person I meet or barely even know. Plus it's not a subject that I can summarize in a 5 minute convo but I'm more than willing to educate people about our community given the appropriate time and I don't have to do that by disclosing either.

Quote from: Lady_Oracle on September 10, 2014, 12:16:48 AM
I look at my transition as something deeply personal and it's not something I'm willing to share with every person I meet or barely even know. Plus it's not a subject that I can summarize in a 5 minute convo but I'm more than willing to educate people about our community given the appropriate time and I don't have to do that by disclosing either.

I think this is a really healthy attitude.  Nothing to hide or be ashamed of, but no reason to force the issue on people either.

I don't pass, I'm largely in receipt of cis privilege. I simply assume that my trans status is really obvious and that everyone is too polite to talk about it (which is obviously a lie), which means I don't need to worry about people knowing.

Maybe your problem is not anxiety about being perceived as cis, but maybe down to not disclosing your trans status to anyone. If you're like me and you view it as an essential part of what makes you a person, actual and whole, treating it like a dirty secret can get you down. It's essentially like being in the closet all over again. This is not saying that you should tell everyone you meet, or that you have to tell anyone if you don't want to, but there is something extremely powerful about being open about who you are and treating trans status as neither something to be proud of or something to be ashamed of and just something that is.

Not for me, not any more..

The anxiety evaporated when I gave up being ashamed of being trans. I'm also not stealth.

Quote from: kelly_aus on September 10, 2014, 02:44:55 AM
Not for me, not any more..

The anxiety evaporated when I gave up being ashamed of being trans. I'm also not stealth.

This 

I'm not ashamed so why act like it's shameful

Not only am I not in stealth, I've publicly stated I'm trans* on national TV, the effect?

Zero; except even more acceptance.

As someone who basically restarted their life when she came out, there is always a fear that someone will find out.

For me, I never worry that someone I don't know will find out, I'm not even worried that my friends will find out, I'm more worried that my friends like you, only a select few know) will be upset because I with-held the truth from them.
99% would be fine with the trans thing, but they'll be upset at me never telling them.

No.. But I don't assume I pass.

How to gain confidence? Own who you are.

Quote from: kelly_aus on September 10, 2014, 05:40:26 AM
No.. But I don't assume I pass.

How to gain confidence? Own who you are.

I need a like button so I can hammer it a few times

Since you started at 14 I don't even know why you're worried.

Does passing give me more anxiety? Not nearly as much as not passing would haha

My main reasons for wanting to be stealth and not out and proud:

1) I don't want the first thing people think about me is "what's in his pants?"
2) I don't want people to ask me about my former life when I was forced to present female.  I'd rather forget all that, thanks.
3) I don't want the inevitable pronoun slip-ups
4) I don't want to be though of as "less than" or "other"

Even though I live in an accepting area and have many trans friends who are out and proud with no obvious problems, it's just not my thing.  I'm out in the trans community, but out in the world at large as gay.

If I had the good fortune to have had started T as a young teen there is no way in heck I'd ever tell anyone.  And nobody is going ot know unless somehow they see you naked (unless you've had surgery), and even then there are intersex women with large clitoris out there.

And plenty of women don't wear makeup. So don't sweat it. Trans is NOT the first thing on people's minds, anyway.


Jay