Where do I start?

I'm a (soon to be) 28-year-old mtf transsexual. I have not started hormones yet, but I am hoping to get started before the end of the year. I currently dress and present as a man, but I want to have that changed by next year. I've done my research and have started visiting support groups and will be seeing a therapist soon.

I've struggled with this practically all of my life. I can remember these thoughts and feelings being present as far back as when I was 6. I was never the type who thought he was a girl, but I was fairly androgenous and did feel more comfortable on the feminine side. I remember being that young and wearing wigs and wanting to be a tomboy. So maybe that's why the thoughts of transitioning confused me for so long.

Anyway, I strongly considered transitioning when I was 18, but decided against it because there were things I hadn't experienced as a man, such as sex with women. Well, that happened, and while I can say I fell in love at times, it just never really felt right being with women. I was also very close to transitioning when I was 19, 21, and 25, but it just never happened. I was too afraid that maybe it was the wrong decision. It got worse when I told my parents a couple years ago and I had to retract what I said because I couldn't stand my mother crying all the time.

Well, after coming out to a friend and visiting group, and accepting and identifying myself as trans I have been so much happier. I don't know if it will last when I have to come out (again) to my family, but I have to remind myself how much better I've felt since knowing this is happening. I'm not nearly as stressed, I sleep better, and life in general just makes so much more sense. This has been such an amazing experience so far and I'm only on the first step. I'm still nervous about the road ahead, but I'm now 100% certain it is the road to take.

It took me a while to register here because I couldn't even think of a username. Silly, I know. I'm not even sure if this is the name I'll use since I'm still a bit away from presenting female in public. I just wanted to get on here and share a bit of my story. I'll try to post more, but my transition is going slow, so I may not have as much to say about my progress for weeks or even months at a time. I still haven't come out to a lot of people too, so I may be a bit secretive for a while. I just hope that those who are as nervous or stressed as I was in life will take my one advice: Find and talk to other trans people. Coming out is one of the most amazing feelings ever.

Sorry if this got a bit long. I just have years of holding this in and I'm just too excited to finally let it all out.

Hey Abby

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Thanks for sharing your story. I tried transition when I was 22 but it didn't work out. Sometimes we just need to wait until the right time and it sounds like you've arrived at that point.

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Cheers

Grace

Hi Abby!

It's pretty amazing to come to grips with all of it, no? I'm so happy for you that you are able to come out and really begin to live your life. Hooray for you!

Don't worry about a lengthy posts, that's exactly what were here for. Welcome to the family, feel free to post pages and pages.

Your post is interesting. I started my transition when I was 28. I also considered starting my transition at various times (19 and 21,22). But I nixed that idea the first time since my parents were getting divorced and I was still living with them. The other two times I almost took the plunge since I was out on my own by then. But, I was deep in drugs and booze and I basically talked myself out of doing it. Stupid? Yeah.

Quote from: Claire (formerly Magdalena) on September 13, 2014, 12:10:20 AM
Hooray for you!

Actually, my birthday is next month. I'm hoping I can start hrt by then, but I won't hold my breath getting an appointment to the doctor by then. Haha

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on September 13, 2014, 12:14:38 AM
Your post is interesting. I started my transition when I was 28. I also considered starting my transition at various times (19 and 21,22). But I nixed that idea the first time since my parents were getting divorced and I was still living with them. The other two times I almost took the plunge since I was out on my own by then. But, I was deep in drugs and booze and I basically talked myself out of doing it. Stupid? Yeah.

I'm back living with my parents. That's kind of what has stalled me. I just couldn't keep thinking "I'll just wait till I'm gone and I'll never have to confront them again". I'm just getting older and I can't wait for something to just miraculously happen in my life. I have to do it now. The depression, stress, and suicidal thoughts were just becoming too much.

Quote from: Abby Claire on September 13, 2014, 12:25:57 AM
The depression, stress, and suicidal thoughts were just becoming too much.

I know exactly what you mean. A few weeks after my 29th birthday, the same three things were damn near crushing me to dust. That was when I did what I had to do to get the ball rolling.

Hi Abby! Interesting story
Good to hear that you are sorting it out and moving into authenticity. I wish I had had your courage when I was approaching 28. I'm looking forward to your future posts, and, just in case this gets by me next month, happy birthday sis
-ellie

Quote from: EllieM on September 13, 2014, 12:35:21 AM
Hi Abby! Interesting story
Good to hear that you are sorting it out and moving into authenticity. I wish I had had your courage when I was approaching 28. I'm looking forward to your future posts, and, just in case this gets by me next month, happy birthday sis
-ellie

Thank you 

I hope I can share more of myself and my story in the future, but like I said before, I still haven't come out to everyone and I'm not even on hrt yet. So I'm being secretive at the moment (even if I don't think someone I know would lurk these forums, you never know). So I'll be posting about my transition experience, but probably keep other details of my life out until I'm finally where I want to be. Until then, I look forward to hearing other people's stories.

You have the right idea. Don't just let things happen, make things happen. You can steer your life much better that way.


Welcome to Susan's.


Don't mind me too much, I sometimes jabber a lot.

Welcome to Susan's

It takes time and the right moment to transition so don't feel bad. I should have done it years before I did but things never worked out. Hope you enjoy being here and get loads of help

Hugs

Sorcha

Hi Abby,

A big welcome to Susan's and congratulations on coming out to yourself, that's the biggest step.

Don't feel bad about not doing this earlier, I seriously considered it first at 13 and then at 21 but I don't think I was ready nor do I think the world was ready since I didn't want to loose my friends, family, career, etc. Feel good about the present and your future, on the positive side HRT and surgical options have gotten way better since back then so there is a positive aspect

Hugs

- Antonia

You are not alone. I also knew as a child that I should have been born a girl. And we all try but it's hard sometimes to follow thru with a complete change of identity, living as a woman, income/job, parents, society does not approve, etc..............

Start on your HRT & start on removal of ALL facial hair. Nothing is worse for any woman than to have facial hair/beard.

Good luck. 

Quote from: FrancisAnn on September 15, 2014, 08:34:37 PM
You are not alone. I also knew as a child that I should have been born a girl. And we all try but it's hard sometimes to follow thru with a complete change of identity, living as a woman, income/job, parents, society does not approve, etc..............

Start on your HRT & start on removal of ALL facial hair. Nothing is worse for any woman than to have facial hair/beard.

Good luck.

Lucky for me, I can't even grow a full beard or even much facial hair at all (only above my lip and on my chin). And even then, it doesn't grow in that full. My hair is pretty dark, but it's nice knowing when I finally go and get it lasered off that it won't cost me much. I may not even have to worry about my body either if hrt gets rid of the few strands of hair that grow on my chest and belly. I'm pretty hairless, so I'm very lucky.

Quote from: antonia on September 15, 2014, 08:18:34 PM
Hi Abby,

A big welcome to Susan's and congratulations on coming out to yourself, that's the biggest step.

Don't feel bad about not doing this earlier, I seriously considered it first at 13 and then at 21 but I don't think I was ready nor do I think the world was ready since I didn't want to loose my friends, family, career, etc. Feel good about the present and your future, on the positive side HRT and surgical options have gotten way better since back then so there is a positive aspect

Hugs

- Antonia

There is so much more information now too. In 2004 if you were searching for information about transsexuals it usually amounted to a google search full of porn.   

And I remember in 2006 it seemed like I would have had to move cross country to find doctors or specialist that deal with transsexuals. It's much more convenient nowadays than it must have been 10 years ago. I'm so glad so many brave people have come out in just the last decade to make it easier for some of us to finally be comfortable coming out.

Quote from: Abby Claire on September 16, 2014, 12:19:41 AM
Lucky for me, I can't even grow a full beard or even much facial hair at all (only above my lip and on my chin). And even then, it doesn't grow in that full. My hair is pretty dark, but it's nice knowing when I finally go and get it lasered off that it won't cost me much. I may not even have to worry about my body either if hrt gets rid of the few strands of hair that grow on my chest and belly. I'm pretty hairless, so I'm very lucky.

You are a lucky girl! You have no idea how lucky you are. But still remove every hair, every single one on your face. I had laser work in my early years & removed quite a bit of hair however I did not remove it all, later in life electrolysis is the only way & it's no fun at all GF.

Hi Abby,

I myself have wondered the same thing. Why didn't I do it sooner?

I was living by myself for a while. I did have pressure from parents which could explain it. I also didn't want to face the fear of being shunned by society.

I did gain 3 kids out of it, so it's not terrible that I waited.

Welcome and I wish you the best on your journey.

Welcome ! Your story sounds very similar, aside of my parents crying. They were quite accepting.

I didn't read it in your post if I read it correctly but if you do, don't feel bad that you waited for so long. You didn't wait for so long. 28 is still young and it seems easier over there to get HRT than in the Netherlands but all got its ups and downs. Either way you will be surprised at how you can already almost fully express yourself without hormones and just enjoy the whole road to it !

And make your own road! How delightful it might be to listen to others their stories, struggles, and how they got past it. Stay close to yourself, keep your own pace and do it in your own way ^^.