So, about me, I'm 35, and been gender confused my entire life.  Confused because I don't know if I should even express outwardly my desire to be a woman... how does one even be a woman?  I really don't treat girls any different from boys.  It just never seemed to me to be the right thing to do.  I really think I would like to transition, but... what am I transitioning too? 

I don't care which bathroom I use, I don't care how others see me in any particular way.  I just see somethings women do and have and really really wish that was me.  I can't even imagine it really changing my life at all, and, I wouldn't want too really.  I love my job, I wouldn't change my friends, but, just this one little nagging detail, all the time, in the back of my mind.

Would I change my name?  I don't have any adversion to Ben.  I even kind of like it.  Not too many Ben's around, but then, maybe Beth, or Polly would be better.

The other problem is, I just can't see myself being a very good looking girl, if ever passing as one.  I'm 6'1" and 220lbs.  So, I get to the point of buying womens clothes, wearing them at home and feeling so much better but don't go out in them because I just feel so ugly.  Which is dumb because, so what if nobody see's me as a woman, i'm ok with being a guy in girls clothes.  Also, I'm doing this for me, to fix that one little thing nagging at me all the time, is passing even really important?

Also, when I say girls clothes, I'm not a dress and high heels girl.  I'm a cargo shorts, t-shirts, hicking shoes girl.  (girls hicking shoes come in way better colors than mens, as do bike helmets!)

It's just like, my life is really going my way, save for one little detail.  I push that feeling away for months, sometimes years at a time, but it always comes back.  But now at 35, it all just seems too late in life to even bother.  I'm so self confident in every other way, but in this way, I just struggle with confidence so badly.  I'm a good looking guy.... but, I don't want to be a guy all that much.  So, I've kept playing the hand I was dealt, and winning for the most part, i'm going home with the chips so to speak.  It doesn't feel like winning though.

Then I saw the Navy Seal that changed his gender. He passes fine.  She looks fantastic even!

I'm not married but I am in a relationship with another man.  An FTM man.  When these feelings come back it kind of drives us apart because i just loose all interest in sex, and with him on hormones, his sex drive is about a bazillion.  My role in our sex life just doesn't work for me.  It seems as I have aged anal has become more painful, thanks to hernia surgery.  I've kind of beat my body to death over the years because I just don't care about it.  Also I fealt that if I couldn't be a woman, i would just be the manliest man in history.  Not that I don't enjoy it, it's just not, winning.

I came to the conclusion on my own, I'm a tomboy in a man's body.  So... again,what would I be transitioning too again?  Would a doctor even allow me HRT not being a girl in the strict sense.  There are plenty of real girls that walk like a man, talk strongly like a man.  Then I come on here and see that it's not the barrier I thought it would be at all!

Sorry for being long winded.  I'm that way anyway, but i'm in another one of those moods where it's really bothering me.

First and foremost, welcome to Susan's! We are glad to have you join our community.

I can understand your feelings of confusing and frustration in regards to your gender identity. We've all been there, and many of us still are! From what I understand, you don't mind how you are, but a part of you wishes to dress as a woman (though you are too scared others will not accept or consider you as a woman)? Whatever decision you make, you should think about yourself first. Make your choices based on your wants and needs rather than those of others (the way I phrase this sounds selfish, but when it comes to yourself and your identity you are the only one that matters). Realizing my gender identity was really difficult when I kept thinking about how those around me would react. As soon as I pushed those worries aside, however, I felt much more confident and just went for it! With all of this said, it will not be easy. There will be challenges and there will be doubts, but you will find your way eventually. It is not too late to transition if you wish to do so. You are still young, and even if you weren't: it wouldn't matter! It's never too late to make changes. And there is a lot of flexibility when it comes to gender identity, so you can really just do what makes you comfortable. You don't have to fit into any one category. Take as many or as little steps as you'd like. 

I wish you luck with everything!

Hang around here long enough and you'll find that:

- You're never too old to transition.

- You're not too masculine to transition; neither you nor anyone else knows exactly how hormones will affect your body. You could be surprised.

- You don't have to transition to female; there's a whole set of non-binary genders you can transition to. Find the right doctor and they'll write you the letters you need to get hormones/surgery.

- If you do transition to female, there are SO MANY ways to be "female" (and male)!

- Passing doesn't matter; what matters is that you feel great.

Even if your life is going smoothly otherwise, don't push your feelings aside! Don't do that to yourself. You don't even have to transition in the end, but don't repress this--let her out however you feel most comfortable!

I can relate to not having an aversion to my birth name, and not wanting sex whatsoever when I'm feeling dysphoric. Anyway, welcome to the forum!

Hey Polybun

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Plenty of cis and trans women are not girly so I can only suggest you find the expression of femininity that suits you.

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Cheers

Grace

Quote from: Jay27 on September 12, 2014, 09:01:29 PM
First and foremost, welcome to Susan's! We are glad to have you join our community.

I can understand your feelings of confusing and frustration in regards to your gender identity. We've all been there, and many of us still are! From what I understand, you don't mind how you are, but a part of you wishes to dress as a woman (though you are too scared others will not accept or consider you as a woman)? Whatever decision you make, you should think about yourself first. Make your choices based on your wants and needs rather than those of others (the way I phrase this sounds selfish, but when it comes to yourself and your identity you are the only one that matters). Realizing my gender identity was really difficult when I kept thinking about how those around me would react. As soon as I pushed those worries aside, however, I felt much more confident and just went for it! With all of this said, it will not be easy. There will be challenges and there will be doubts, but you will find your way eventually. It is not too late to transition if you wish to do so. You are still young, and even if you weren't: it wouldn't matter! It's never too late to make changes. And there is a lot of flexibility when it comes to gender identity, so you can really just do what makes you comfortable. You don't have to fit into any one category. Take as many or as little steps as you'd like. 

I wish you luck with everything!

I think I want to transition in some form or another.  I don't know why it's so important to me but I really would like my body to have some of the attributes of a female.  I do want to be a gentler person but I struggle with that.  Especially during the times where I'm really thinking about how I should be dressing, speaking, etc.  I get really snappy with people, say htings I don't mean, get really hurtful to myself and others.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not just attracted to the most superficial things because of the desire to have breasts and hips.  To wear clothes that really only slightly different.  Just cut a bit higher, the neck a bit lower, the colors a bit softer.  There is some emotional thing that does for me that I can't explain.  A thing that makes me smile and really feel like I love myself.  I'm not being honest with myself in some way and I know it, and it hurts.

I'm kind of going through the same thing atm. While I don't really like the person I am, I like how the person I am means something to those I care about. I realized though that for me to be happy as a man, I need a woman to have a relationship with to sort of live vicariously through. I've come to accept that that is just wrong to do though. You need to think to yourself if you had nobody else in this world what would make you happy? When you look in the mirror what do you want to see? Don't be concerned about what others will see, just think about what you want to see and strive for that. For me, the answer was basically clear when I realized if I were the last man on earth I would eventually become the last woman on earth because there'd be no fear of the transitioning process then.

Quote from: Abby Claire on September 13, 2014, 01:22:31 AM
I'm kind of going through the same thing atm. While I don't really like the person I am, I like how the person I am means something to those I care about. I realized though that for me to be happy as a man, I need a woman to have a relationship with to sort of live vicariously through. I've come to accept that that is just wrong to do though. You need to think to yourself if you had nobody else in this world what would make you happy? When you look in the mirror what do you want to see? Don't be concerned about what others will see, just think about what you want to see and strive for that. For me, the answer was basically clear when I realized if I were the last man on earth I would eventually become the last woman on earth because there'd be no fear of the transitioning process then.

Yeah I have this feeling sometimes as well.  I know in the past I've tried to accept myself as man under the condition that I was with a woman.  This never really did it for me.  I am happy to be with a woman but despite that, I myself still want to be a woman.  Maybe for some people it is good enough, but for many, it is not.

Welcome to Susan's. You are not alone in your feelings, nor is there anything wrong in what you are feeling. There are so many ways of dealing with it. The more you read here, the more you will learn that.

It is possible that you could be perfectly content on a low dose of hormones. You would see changes but likely very gradual ones. You can try talking to a gender therapist to help sort it all out but in the end, you get to choose how you transition and how far.

Sometimes once you start on hormones, everything gets clearer and you want more, other times it takes the edge off so you can think and be content with what you have, and yet other times, you decide that it isn't what you need after all.

Quote from: LordKAT on September 13, 2014, 01:51:07 AM

It is possible that you could be perfectly content on a low dose of hormones. You would see changes but likely very gradual ones. You can try talking to a gender therapist to help sort it all out but in the end, you get to choose how you transition and how far.

I'm not sure about that either.  I feel that if I do transition, I'll have lost time to make up, and the faster the better.

Is it strange to want to experience a girls puberty?

I keep trying to remember boy puberty and it's kind of a nothing in my life.  It happened without me really noticing.  I got some hair and my dick got hard sometimes.  That's about all I really know of it.  I was so caught up in electronics and mechanics and cars, and etc....  I don't know if that's normal or not.  Is it any different for girls at all?   Maybe I was just a really dense kid.

Quote from: Abby Claire on September 13, 2014, 01:22:31 AM
When you look in the mirror what do you want to see?

What I want to see in the mirror is a strong, independant, intelligent person, and I've got that.   .... but.... just this, one little detail.... I would prefer it to be a woman too.... this all just seems so, first world problem.  I should just be happy that i'm healthy, intelligent, and becoming more of a success every year.   I am happy with it too, but.... this one detail....

It's like climbing Mt. Hood on a cloudy day.  Ok, got through the scramble, got across the glacier, didn't get killed, had a great freakin' time, but... didn't get the view... That's easy wtih Mt. Hood.... you go up another day... and hope you don't get killed that time either!

I just don't get why that gender detail is so important.  It's not outside influence, it's not gender role bs.

I'm so glad i'm not the only one.... then again.... to think others have to feel this way, that's not pleasing either.  Can't I just feel one way about any of this?

At the end of the day, I think you'll be the only one who can answer your questions, no matter what advice others here can offer or what therapists diagnose you with. I think there is definitely something driving you to transition and you should probably look into it more closely. I'm finding the more I'm heading down this road the more I want to keep going. The more I learn (negative and positive) still drives me forward. You may be confused now, but it'll be more clear if you keep looking for the answers. I think the only warning would be: Is what you want worth possibly losing what you have?

Quote from: Abby Claire on September 13, 2014, 02:45:24 AM
At the end of the day, I think you'll be the only one who can answer your questions, no matter what advice others here can offer or what therapists diagnose you with.

Exactly. It's great to have support and people you can talk to about these things, but the only person who can truly help you is yourself. Take some time to think and get in touch with yourself. What is important to you, what things you are unsatisfied with, what kind of a person you want to be, etc. I used to write these things down and look over them every now and then. If my feelings are still the same after several months, years...then I know that it's not just a thought that I can simply ignore. 

Welcome !

This might not be a popular answer because I often hear how badly testeron damages your body and you should do HRT as soon as possible but you do not have to make that choice right now.

You don't seem afraid or shy about others so how about you first experiment and see if it is for you? Let your hair grow, wear different clothing (I went for unisex for quite a while) and go from there? It isn't like HRT is a magic pill and suddenly gives you that female body you desire but you can already give yourself the feeling of being feminine.

Quote from: Kirey on September 14, 2014, 06:15:38 AM
Welcome !

This might not be a popular answer because I often hear how badly testeron damages your body and you should do HRT as soon as possible but you do not have to make that choice right now.

You don't seem afraid or shy about others so how about you first experiment and see if it is for you? Let your hair grow, wear different clothing (I went for unisex for quite a while) and go from there? It isn't like HRT is a magic pill and suddenly gives you that female body you desire but you can already give yourself the feeling of being feminine.

I've been doing that off and on for a very long time actually.  Wore unisex clothing, tucked, painted my nails, wore a bit of makeup.  It's a very fullfilling way to dress.  It's not that I'm making the choice right now, this is something that i've been thinking over since I was a child. 

In fact, until 6 months ago I had a pony tail, but decided to cut it.  I'm letting it grow back out a little bit now so I can have a femanine short hair style.  I work as a machinist, so, long hair is a real pain, and has to be shoved under a hat while at work.  So my hair would never get more than half way down my back anyway because it gets damaged so badly at work.  Also, when the pony tail would pop out from under my hat it would get soaked in oil and grit, get burned from hot chips fying around.  I finally decided to just cut it.  It was the first hair cut I had had in over 10 years.

I make the big things on earth.  For example, the most recent job is a 15ft diameter boat propeller.  The machines needed to work with parts of that size are true monsters.  Monsters that drip and fling oil constantly.  Ladies though, you have to sweet talk them to get them running their best.  Any way, that means the size of the chips and the amount of dirt and filth I crawl around in is too the extreme.  My coveralls are black at the end of the day.  It's not hard work really, and being a senior member of the team, if it gets physical, we get one of the kids to go deal with it!

Some have mentioned, would I give up my job to transition and I don't think I need too.  My mom is a machinist!  So was my grandfather, so was one of my uncles.  My great grandfather was a machinist as well on my grandfather's side.  There is just something about the job for us, we can't not do it.  The smell of a shop is more comforting to me than the smell of my own home.... although If I could get some cutting oil and coolant in the place, we could fix that!

I went out this weekend and got pretty much the same clothes I already wear, hiking shoes, cargo shorts, performance t-shirts, only got them from the women's side.  Goodwill is great, scored some $110 shoes for $7 and tops for $5 each.  Also, here in portland, we have Next Adventure, and they have a basement full of like new used gear including clothing.  Some of the clothing IS new, still has the tags on it!  Anyway I scored 3 bottoms for less than $20

I got gifted with small feet for a guy, and size 11 women's fits just fine in some makers, an 11.5 would be better in others, but, not many make 11.5 in womens.

Quote from: Polybun on September 14, 2014, 02:01:11 PM
I've been doing that off and on for a very long time actually.  Wore unisex clothing, tucked, painted my nails, wore a bit of makeup.  It's a very fullfilling way to dress.  It's not that I'm making the choice right now, this is something that i've been thinking over since I was a child. 

In fact, until 6 months ago I had a pony tail, but decided to cut it.  I'm letting it grow back out a little bit now so I can have a femanine short hair style.  I work as a machinist, so, long hair is a real pain, and has to be shoved under a hat while at work.  So my hair would never get more than half way down my back anyway because it gets damaged so badly at work.  Also, when the pony tail would pop out from under my hat it would get soaked in oil and grit, get burned from hot chips fying around.  I finally decided to just cut it.  It was the first hair cut I had had in over 10 years.

I make the big things on earth.  For example, the most recent job is a 15ft diameter boat propeller.  The machines needed to work with parts of that size are true monsters.  Monsters that drip and fling oil constantly.  Ladies though, you have to sweet talk them to get them running their best.  Any way, that means the size of the chips and the amount of dirt and filth I crawl around in is too the extreme.  My coveralls are black at the end of the day.  It's not hard work really, and being a senior member of the team, if it gets physical, we get one of the kids to go deal with it!

Some have mentioned, would I give up my job to transition and I don't think I need too.  My mom is a machinist!  So was my grandfather, so was one of my uncles.  My great grandfather was a machinist as well on my grandfather's side.  There is just something about the job for us, we can't not do it.  The smell of a shop is more comforting to me than the smell of my own home.... although If I could get some cutting oil and coolant in the place, we could fix that!

I went out this weekend and got pretty much the same clothes I already wear, hiking shoes, cargo shorts, performance t-shirts, only got them from the women's side.  Goodwill is great, scored some $110 shoes for $7 and tops for $5 each.  Also, here in portland, we have Next Adventure, and they have a basement full of like new used gear including clothing.  Some of the clothing IS new, still has the tags on it!  Anyway I scored 3 bottoms for less than $20

I got gifted with small feet for a guy, and size 11 women's fits just fine in some makers, an 11.5 would be better in others, but, not many make 11.5 in womens.

The more you explore the less confused you will be!  Machinist sounds like fun.  Currently I'm a programmer and I may retain that profession beyond transition, but I've also thought a lot about changing careers.

Quote from: Deinewelt on September 14, 2014, 02:36:05 PM
The more you explore the less confused you will be!  Machinist sounds like fun.  Currently I'm a programmer and I may retain that profession beyond transition, but I've also thought a lot about changing careers.

Mamaaaaaas don't let your sons grow to be machinst.

It is, the most tedious, annoying, frustrating, dirty and at times, at least in the heavy industrial end where I work job you could have.  I kind of like it.  I do some coding myself, and, the big difference is, you make a mistake in code, you can fix it.  You screw up some 10 ton chunk of metal and at the very least you've caused days maybe even weeks of delay, possibly scrapping it.  And then there is the cost of the tooling.  Push a wrong button and there goes a $1000 cutter and $100 worth of carbide.  And the part usually moves, so there goes possibly hours of man time.  The pressure to get it right every time is pretty high.  The worst part is you know it's comming, you know it's going to happen, your boss knows it's going to happen and we all just kind of sit around on pins and needles waiting for that bang, growl, screech of horror.  That said, if your the type that thrives under stress and takes great pride in his work, it's damn rewarding when it all goes right.  I can point at bridges, dams, street cars and ships that all have some of my work on them.