***********TRIGGER WARNINGS****************

Greetings dears

What are your fears as related to being non binary trans and trans-andro?  How do you deal with them?  What works for you?  Do you need our help with one?

Mine:

Losing my wife because I am transgendered.

Counter:

Faith, My God knew exactly what He was doing when He put us together. 
I have the most amazing people on earth keeping me focused on my truth.
I know who my core is and she fell in love with that core.
I know exactly what she needs and where her comfort zones are and where mine meet them.

Associated with losing the wife:  winding up dead in a gay disco on the floor from a booze and amyl nitrate overdose.

So, this fear is never a problem, unless triggered by someone saying that full transition for me is inevitable.  According to my shrink- it is not my destiny.

I live a joyous life, for real.

Please do not comment or worry about Satinjoy here, SJ is protecting her.  This thread is meant to help others, not me.  All I am doing is providing an example fear, and the counter to it

So my loves, what do you fear?  What is the counter- the truth- that stops that fear?  How do you handle your fear?

Old saying, fear knocked, faith answered, there was nobody at the door.  FEAR- false evidence assumed real.  Or Fu-- everything and run.  Or fear knocked , truth answered, nobody at the door.

Blessings.  Who can we help today......

Nails out, hair down, head up, heart wide open.

Watch out for triggers if they come up.... have a plan to deal with them my dears...

Love, Satinjoy

A lot of my early fears about transition proved to be unfounded - that I wouldn't be accepted at work, that I'd be harassed in public, that I'd never pass as a woman, that I wouldn't be able to handle the stress.

One major fear came true - the same one Satinjoy spoke of - that I would destroy my marriage and break up my family. It was awful, and I'm glad to have survive.

My main fear is that no one will ever feel romantically toward me. I don't know how to counter it. It afflicts me daily when I come home and realize there is no one in the world who gives a crap how my day as (or even if I came home at all).

Yes, I wouldn't mind help with this one, though I don't know what anyone could do, short of making me young and beautiful or change cultural attitudes toward attractiveness and romantic eligibility of people who are part one sex, part another.

I'm scared that I'm so screwed up and broken that I'll never really be able to relax, that I'll never have stability in my life, that I'll never feel safe. I'll be trapped into this perpetual struggle to keep myself functional till the day I die. And I am so, so tired.

I'm scared that I'm failing already, that I'm letting down the most important people in my life. That I'm just not good enough or strong enough or sane enough to be of any use.

Most days I try not to think about it, most days I'm pretty okay, but down at the core I'm always wondering how much longer I can keep going, how much longer I can keep being this hurt and this terrified before I can't get myself to walk out the door at all anymore.

Cheerful thoughts, nah? Oh well. The more I'm active and the more I do and spend time with people and keep moving forward the easier it is. And the pills, the pills are good.

I'll have more later, I need to think

These fears are not voiced, now they are, but always lurk in our minds

They are not easily handled alone.  They can gain power, or not

If you trigger on the thread keep your shrinks number around if appropriate.  I have mine on call 24/7, have done that one twice in the past.

But I want to think.

And off hand with no thought - Sarah you help others, you help us, you write beautifully, and we get through this day and find the sunrise and the sunset that no one can take away

And Suzi- your fear is common to so many.  Yet, your combination nonbinary gender and your spirit is always attractive... age, presentation, all of it - its your core sweatheart.... they will love your core.  We love your core.

A flower.  Only one who chose this.  Special in our forest.

Love you both, even though I don't know you as well as some.  You are me.  I am you.  We are together and we are blessings.  We are loved, in here, maybe out there, but we are loved nonetheless.

---Satinjoy

One thing that comes to mind is that we cannot predict the future of where these will go.  I can counter with faith, I can counter with other things, but the bottom line is that there is this rah-rah tendency to raise the flag of authenticity and believe that all is roses and incense, and then we prick our fingers.   My shrink, for whatever reasons, counters  that fear can be useful, and should be paid attention to.  For me, and again no comments/advice on this or I'll trigger myself- but my relationship comes with a cost.  Satinjoy is also quite alone, yes she is there in a genderqueer presentation under the surface, actually visible through the silk curtain, but she is not nurtured, my wife did not marry Satinjoy.  Satinjoy lives here and by herself when she is out.  It is just that reality.  Suzi's comment breaks my heart.  It is the hard reality of many of us.  But on the other hand, we cannot predict what is next.

There is an old saying, don't drink before the miracle.  Outlast the bull.  It applies to us, don't give up before the miracle.

Platitudes with a kernel of truth.

When I was hitting bottom, I coped with it by knowing I had the beauty of the sun, the affirmation of being alive, of being a survivor.  That helps.  Gratitude lists help.  Friends help. 

But your fears I do share and it drives me to my courses of action.

I wish I could reach into your souls and ask how your day is and did you get through it ok and do the embrace.  Instead I am here.  Like Nero.

There are kindred souls out there.  How can we predict and disqualify ourselves?

What you are going through is probably something every single one of us is concerned about at some level.

I don't want any more losses in this forest.

So, what can we do?  Help others?  Help other trans with our experience, our hope, our strength?

How courageous you both must be.  How amazing.

So I hope I have not triggered you.  I wish I can give you something to help with this.  But I know there are kindred spirits, and divine appointments.

Blessings and Love

SJ.

All right I have another one.  And again, only time will tell.

The fear is that since I am confirmed DES exposed, early in the trimesters, that transition is inevitable.

That fear can take me right into the hospital.

The fact..... ??  Why are millions of us hitting the wall and going MTF full transition now??  Progression, physical.............. Scares the crap out of me.

The faith?  Goes back to trusting God, trusting the shrink, trusting this forum that I can stay non binary and fluid presenting.  And constantly reaffirming the core.

I am such an idiot I just triggered myself again, but it was due to another thread's content on DES.

And peaking on hormones.  Still way over normal limits for trans, but they are backing me down very carefully.  Hit a nerve on the shot this time.  Oh what fun that is, has happened several times.

That was SJ.  Every single time I feel threatened, he comes out swinging.  For which I am very grateful.

Quote from: Satinjoy on September 10, 2014, 05:06:08 PM
The fear is that since I am confirmed DES exposed, early in the trimesters, that transition is inevitable.

That fear can take me right into the hospital.

I had that too, early on. The thought of going on hormones, or SRS left me shaking. Hearing stories of how MtF members of this site saw changes in their body put me off. It had taken 50 years for me to appreciate and understand my body, now I was going to have to change it.

Oddly, what helped me was the thought that I could transition without hormones and surgery if I wanted to. For a  while that became my plan. (Until a small voice told me "You idiot. Take the pills. You've always wanted breasts. This is your one and only chance. Are you going to let your fear blow it for you?" Same voice came again when I realized that if I successfully lived as a woman for a year, I would be eligible for SRS, and, well, here I am.)

No surgery for me though.  Against medical advice.

I am ok.  Tricky thread here.  Just wanted to help counter our fears.

Blessings,  sj satinjoy

the one fear i know i had, was transition.
i wanted it so much, but the thought of it frightened me.
couldn't manage to get ready for it at all.

now i seriously want transition, though not a complete ftm one.
what changed was that i accepted all of me, and my form as it is now.
i came to an understanding, that the outward shape cannot define me.
actually, no matter what shape i have, it will always be somewhat wrong.

my reason for wanting to transition changed.
i'm not trying to become something or someone else.
all i want is to change some parts of my body from completely useless to possibly kind of nice.
and i will still be me whether i do it or not.


that one other fear i found, which made me seek out information about the non-binary, was to be stuck in only one gender for the entire rest of my life.
that would seriously not be cool.

I wanted to say that I read all the comments, everyone is so elequant in they're words and understanding of themselves and they're fears.

Mine are so repressed.. I've learned over and over that sharing my innermost thoughts and fears always push people away.. Always.. It always got me disowned by family, and truth is I don't think my wife wants to hear about it that much, yes she accepts me okay, we even watch things together, like YouTube videos, and she relates to it fine, but I still get the feeling she feels I'm not the same man she married, and she'd rather be with him.?

All I can say is that being older (and in poor health), I need my wife, without her I would be completely alone in the world, yet in my last years I want so much to finally just be my true self, and not have to tone myself down, or act anymore..? It feels like a catch-22 scinereo, where I can't win, and have to choose one or the other..??
I don't even want that much, I don't feel the urge to change genders, all I want is to be able to be a few clicks left of male on the binary scale, but sometimes that feels to me as a distant a dream, as full transition is to some..? *sighs*..

It feels like all our lives have too many of those kinds of choices in them, and it never seems fair at all...

Quote from: Mark3 on September 11, 2014, 10:31:56 PM

Mine are so repressed.. I've learned over and over that sharing my innermost thoughts and fears always push people away.. Always..

Not in here they won't dear.  In here, you can be you.

I get odd sometimes, I am not the most emotionally stable person around, I can be triggered into depression and paralyzing fear.  Its getting better though.

Probably irrelevant, but when it happens, this forum carries me.  All of me.  They get it.  They totally get it.

Then I fear that this forum will reject me when SJ has control.  Like now.  Instead of the loving and genuine Satinjoy who is the source of my emotional compassion.  I am a mess with this, I have realized that by leaving her chained, I have done a terrible thing to her.  So I am mad at SJ for doing that.  And many other things.  But I need the almost-him, he' is  the one that takes action in my life and protects Satinjoy, that is h'is job.

The rambling point is that in this forum, you will be unconditionally accepted, you have total freedom to be the authentic you, you cannot alienate us (unless you invalidate someones gender perception of themselves, that is a serious thing), you can find and be you here.

We validate ourselves, many of us do not have spouses that validate all of our components.  I am grateful for how much my wife can handle, and greatful for knowing what she cannot.  I wont cross that boundary, she gets me genderqueer.  Right now she is at work, and Satinjoy is free to express.  Although at the moment I am gq presenting, didn't put my wig on.  SJ maybe...

Bottom line- say anything without fear in here.  This is an amazing group of people in a small section of the forum.  You are safe in the forest, and we are glad you have come.  And this forum is well guarded, by the admins, by us.

Blessings

SJ.

Oh thanks, I know this is the safest place anywhere, to open up and tell all... Its such a gift for me to spend part of my day here with everyone..

I will reply more to your comment SJ, I'm too tired at the moment, and my brain is going on "stand-by"...

Quote from: suzifrommd on September 10, 2014, 08:36:21 AM
My main fear is that no one will ever feel romantically toward me.

Me, too.  If I did transition (in some form or other), would I blow whatever slim chances I have of finding someone who wants to have an intimate relationship with me?
Also, since I haven't transitioned and don't know if I ever will or, if so, how much, the idea of "dating" seems even more complicated, since even I don't know who I am.

I also have the fear that I'll transition in some irreversable form and then discover that it just makes things worse.  That I'll be even more depressed, that it will turn out that what I think is dysphoria is something else entirely and it's made even worse by abandoning the familiar, if uncomfortable role.

I counter these in my usual way: denial.  (It's not just a river in Egypt!)

Quote from: suzifrommd on September 10, 2014, 08:36:21 AM
... when I come home and realize there is no one in the world who gives a crap how my day as (or even if I came home at all).

That was how it was back when I was married.  When I first started commuting, I'd call home from the office to say which train I'd be coming home on and my wife would say, why do I need to know when you're coming home?  I learned better, eventually.

I'm going on vacation for a few days, leaving today..
But because of this topic, I'm going to pay special attention to some of my fears, and use this time away from home, where nobody knows me, to try and push myself to face them with people, and try and overcome them.. I don't know what to expect, but I feel stronger than I used to, so we will see what happens...?

My only fears are age related, I consider the possibility that some day either me or my spouse will pass away, I don't want to live without her in my life and I would not wish to leave her all alone either. We have discussed this at one time and both agree that the idea of having someone else as a spouse would not work for either of us ever after all the time we have been together.

As far as my public non-binary andro-presentation and lifestyle goes I am totally fearless, as there is nothing coming from anyone that could possibly be of any concern to me. I have faced far worse things than what this society could possibly produce, that fact makes it easy for me to always outwardly project a very positive assurance in my daily life.

Oh, had an afterthought. We're going to the Eastern part of the state for a few days to visit a friend and his wife who we haven't seen in several years she has been ill but is in remission and we want to spend some quality time with them. She is a really discerning woman who at one time several years ago mentioned that I seemed to project a certain femininity that she couldn't quite put her finger on. I've never been out to either of them and since there is no hiding anything, especially the apparent female physical characteristics, this ought to be a fun and interesting experience.

I did what is probably the first public display of myself to my peers this past week.. It may seem a simple thing to some, but it freaked me out and I've been very defensive this week about it..

I changed my Fb gender from CISmale to Non Binary, and posted some non binary graphics etc on my Fb wall....that was the first acknowledgement of my true self I've ever made to others, with exception of my family here at Susan's..  I bet some of you wondered when I joined as CISmale what was going to happen with me.? Well look at me now...! Lol.. 

I know I'm just beginning, and have far to go, but it honestly feels pretty damn good to stand up for myself, even if it was difficult...

fears related to being binary are few. most of them were actually related to binary expectations, and getting rid of them made the fear go away. of course i'm still worried about  what my family will think, but family tend to have unreasonable expectations of each other. knowing that the  expectations are unreasonable, and not having the same unreasonable expectations myself, is what will help me find my own place no matter what reactions i get.

i do have other fears though. i fear not being perfect, failing other people's expectations.
i didn't know this was what i feared, but the symptoms were killing me, and a short post in another hidden part of these forums enabled others to give my fear a name. knowing my fear enabled me to start dealing with it. first thing to do was to recognize what things the fear makes me do, and stop doing those things. the next step was to start dealing with expectations. do people really expect that much of me? can i do less and still be accepted? lessening my own expectations of myself seems to be the real answer to this specific fear that i have. people never expected me to be perfect, only my mother did, but she's an exception to the norm and i just failed to recognize this fact. the fear still lingers, but it doesn't incapacitate me in the same way that it did before.

of course, what helped even more than i could help myself, was getting a job in a place where i have great colleagues and a superior who helps me out even if i don't ask for it. he tells me to not try and take the full responsibility upon myself, there are others who have just as much responsibility, and i'm not to blame for their neglecting of their duties.

Most all of the fears that I have had have proved to be unfounded.  I learned that I was not perverted, damaged or a freak.  I learned that I was not making myself into a laughing stock and social pariah through ffs, hrt, hair removal et al.   Folk have understood and been supportive of me when I have come out as trans* and non binary.  I have not had to accept a binary mtf transition to find acceptance as NB.  I have not found myself lonely, misunderstood or unable to find authenticity in my relationships.  I have also found and welcomed physical and emotional changes rather than found them discomfiting or  problematic.

The 2 fears that still remain are:

-  Whether my relationship with my wife will recover physically.  In every other way it is strong, far stronger than it ever was before hrt,  but I do wish to be held, loved and valued for who and what I am.  My fear is that if recovery does not occur, that either my wife or I will move on, not recognising how good we are together.  (All I can do is to continue to love my wife and myself in the most powerful way that I can)

-   Whether all of my family will be supportive of me and whether they will tell the one person in my life who I cannot share this with, my mother.  She suffered severe depression prior to and following my birth.  She will blame herself for the hormone flow which gendered my brain as NB.  She was blameless, nature just decided to enrich my life!   (I can't do much about this and will accept and deal with any fall out in the most sensitive and authentic way that I am capable of)

It also occurs to me that I have handled my NB reality as a blessing rather than as a curse.  This isn't just because I am by nature an optimist and always seek the positive,  but because I find the broad perspective and duality of NB as a revelation and as a blessing.   This has caused me to take a journey and enjoy a life which has been truly enriched by those that I have met, lessons that I have learned and the love that I have given and have received.

Safe travels

Aisla

I have many fears which I can hopefully prove false someday. (I'm only a student)
*Being disowned by my family members including my aunties, uncles, cousins and my grandmother.
*Losing more of my friends due to my gender identity.
*Being outed even more at school
* Have derogatory words thrown at me
*My gender identity not being taken seriously. People calling me by my biological sex to deliberately insult me.
*People not communicating with me.
*Not Being able to fit in
All of these are the biggest fears, I go to school and bed worrying about my gender identity and if I should come out or not.