"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to anyone "
Pre apology for the following rambling, but I've found the more i talk about the initial KABOOM! moment from a few weeks back, the more blunt the teeth of doubt get, and the easier it is for me to be honest with myself.
Grab a cup of coffee or a cocktail.
Ready?
Back on Sep31 i was reading a web comic (Exiern, if anyone's familiar with it) that one of my favorite artists did some fan-art for and said "Hey check out this awesome web comic." I was part way through binge reading the archives when i hit a page were 2 of the side characters started talking about how the main character's physical & mental states were being shaped by the curse playing off of her(originally a him) cultural-preconceived notions of what a woman looks & acts like. I have no idea exactly why, but i stopped dead, click on a new browser tab and typed "how to tell if you're transgender" ....i read an article ...another ...and another And that's when the "KABOOM!" as i've come to call it, happened.
It was as if thousands of points in time collapsed into each other like a ball of fusion in a nuclear reactor... Every time i dressed up behind closed doors, every time i had asked myself "what if i had been born female like my sisters", every time i'd looked in the mirror felt like i wasn't looking at myself, every time i'd stood infront of the mirror in my room with everything tucked back, everytime i'd looked down in the shower and just felt nothing, every time i had looked at Wonder Woman, Big Barda and other female super heros wanting to be them, short stories i've written, notes & character description for a web comic idea i never got off the ground, random doodles, art work, character models i had repainted, RPGs nearly every character was a female proxy of me... The full weight and measure of these, it all became a blinding flash in the fore front of my mind.... KABOOM!
My hands started shaking, my eyes welled up with tears, a mix of fear and... joy... There wasn't a "little voice" but more like a pulse of emotion that felt unmistakably like "HEY! i've been trying to tell you something for awhile!.." What happened after that i honestly can not remember.
It's a blank until i woke up to my alarm at 0530 for work the next morning. About the time i hit the back room of work was when my brain went "So hey lets talk about last night.." Wham, panic attack. "So hey do you remember this one conversation you had with Eohl back when you played World of Warcraft..." another panic attack. "Hey ever wonder about your moderat obsession with kilts and women's long skirts?" nearly bust into tears. And that it how the first two hours of my shift went. A memory would bubble up and i'd just about loose it. My thoughts bounced along "whatdoIdo?!whatdoIdo?!" "HowthehelldidInotrealizethis?!" "Oh****oh****oh****hqowthe****ismomgoingtohandlethis,shecouldnthandlesisbeingbi!****,****,****!" My mind raced along 1000 miles a min sideways..
My friend "Jack" (who is gay, which is probably why i thought he might know where i could turn to) who came in at 0800 and was doing the morning shelf scan said "Morning", and all i choked out half in tears was "Hi" (normally i'm plucky but on the grouchy side in the morning) He looked at me fore second, puzzled, before asking me "Whats wrong?" (i must have looked as scared as i felt). I choked out "I think i'm trans.. I. i don't know what to do. ..i'm scared.." Jack looked me square in the eyes and said "*****.. take a deep breath, I'm going to get my phone and message my friend, she does outreach with a local support group. I'll get you information." (one thing i'd learn in the wake of this is that my faith in my friends is not misplaced) He zipped off to get his phone and i focused on steading myself. About the time i finished the cart of stock i was working on Jack came back and told me he'd gotten ahold of his friend, and had forwarded me the info she gave him on face book. He asked if i was going to be ok, and i think i said something like "i've got a better grip now, just check on me in a bit please, make sure i'm still holding together." He checked back about half an hour later, i was still having bad panic attacks, but i was keeping myself together enough to function. Mercifully the delivery truck showed up shorty after that and it was honestly the only time i've ever been glade that work turned into a frantic scramble. I was distracted enough with the chaos that i was able to hold a poker face through the rest of my shift. After work i txt'd a friend and said "I need to talk to you about something that you'd have insight on, only from the opposite end of things. Txt me when you get out of work" I spent most of the evening txt'ing him and relaying what'd happened to which he replied "Yeah. that sounds like definitely more than just a fascination." And i txt'd my lil'sis and gave her an abridged run down, since out of my immediate family she'd be a good starting point since she identifies as pansexual and has had to deal with our mom's inability to handle things like that (she tends to ignore it if my lil'sis mentions going on dates with other girls)
Late night that Monday i reactivated my World of Warcraft subscription, and sat there at the character screen, looking at the female dwarf, long black skirt, red blouse-like shirt w/ matching wide brim hat.. the outfit for RP nights in one of the pubs.. I was looking at me... My heart was thumping, home sick as if i'd been on a road trip for the last three years, and i was now flooding with the joy of being a block away from home and my bed. I sobbed, I just sat there sobbing tears of joy, my mind just going "its.. its me! Oh my god it's me.. How.. why didn't i understand.. How did i not figure out all this was something more... Oh my god, its me.." I spent most of the night chatting with my friend Cat who I was in a RP guild with for 4-5 years, who is among 5 people that knew me almost only as this female dwarf.
Tuesday-Wednesday i told a my closest of friends (except the two that talk to my mom from time to time, since i honestly can't trust them to not accidentally let something like this slip) the lite edition with "So if you see me acting stranger than usual, this is what's going on." Most everyone's reaction has been "Well huhh... I did not see that coming.. I'm hear for you man, I support you all the way no matter how this plays out." Which the first part is pretty understandable since for last 5ish years i've had a long beard and looked like Gimli's stunt double..
Thursday I went and hung out with my lil'sis out by where she lives, and gave her the full run down over beers and food. She's the one that clued me in that the "odd disconnects" and looking at my body and feeling like somethings askew or not right is called dysphoria, and gender dysphoria as it pertains to more specific things. Mid dinner the thought popped up that the reason i'd been an ***hole & had great animus towards her and my older sister might have been subconscious jealousy. It was a powerful thought, probably spot on the money since my lil'sis asked if i was ok since i looked like i was about to cry. I told exactly what had just crossed my mind, and almost did cry when i apologized for being an ***hole to her all those years.
Friday taking advice from my lil'sis to called my older sister, i gave her a ring then told her to call me back after she got home/wasn't driving a car since it was news that might cause a crash. So about half hour later she rings me and it was a wise move to ask her to not be in a car, i heard her drop something in that brief silence after i said "*****, i strongly think i'm transgender." I layed out everything start to finish, and apologized to her as well for being an ***hole to her growing up. She said she was happy for me, and that she supported me fully, then we ended up talking about mom possibly having NPD, and some family politics that i won't bore you all with.
Saturday i told my friend that's more of a brother than a friend. He just lit up a cig and said "I guess that would explain why you were kind of quite when you were helping me move out wednesday. **** man, do what you need to do to make you happy, i support you.."
The previous week has been a lot of mental back and forth on things. I have an appointment with a gender therapist for Oct7, so for the most part i keep trying to steer myself away from getting to far down the existential rabbit hole, and try to keep a small note book on hand to jot down thoughts & memories as they pop up to discuss with her.
I discovered this forum i think a few days or so ago, after google searching if anyone had, had xyz emotions following finding out, or it might of been googling some experience to see if it was a common thing. Either way, i ended up here, and reading a bunch of posts that while they don't stop my mind from ping-ponging around, they have reassured me that i haven't gone nutters. It's been a grim comfort to see other people oscillate between surety & doldrums. If anyone else filters in like i did, stay strong you're not alone, come talk to us, it'll make you feel better.
And many thanks to anyone that waded through my outpouring.
