So in a fit of hysterical facebooking, I basically set the stage for people to approach me. I essentially said, "Leaving this Facebook behind, How would you describe me?"
The responses from friends and family were absolutely amazing and heartbreaking all at once. Statements like:
"Awesome, smart, and fun"
"Amazing 100%"
"Dramatic"
"Kind"
"i'd say BRO"
"A true friend!"
"on a grading scale i'd say you get an A+"
"better than a friend ? (wait, that sounds awkward)"
"Kind, funny, gentle, smart, friendly. All my favorite stuff: D"
"I can only describe you as "**Last**Name** , you are you and screw it if someone can't accept that! Deactivate all you want, I know you can still text!"
"Amazing and one of the nicest people I have ever met"
"One of my bestest friends in the whole world. You're so selfless, kind hearted & hilarious! There's not one memory of my childhood where you don't come to my mind. Love you
to the moon & back!"
These responses left me both stunned, and feeling truly blessed in their own right. To see that people loved a broken me.. I didn't think that was possible. This is when I "set the stage" and prompted the one on one's.
My description of myself? Emotionless, Fake, Uncomfortable, a Shell, Phony, Lost....
My mom, who I was NOT prepared for quite yet, called me up and said now John M***** R******... You better f***** tell me what is happening right now. Right now, I'm shocked and lose all motor function in panic as my wonderful mother does not swear, nor use my middle name.
So I told her... I just blurted it out without a plan, without structure, and without control. She sit's on the phone for another 30-40 seconds in silence. Awkward, deafening, and dramatic silence. Then she just says, " IS that all??? Seriously?
I thought you were saying goodbye!!??" Then the moment came where she asked me why I didn't think I could tell her for 32 years. I'm sitting here absolutely stunned and have lost ALL control of the conversation at this point. She had managed to rip it right out of me, then flip turned and basically said the only thing she can't understand is why I couldn't tell her.
Turns out, it made all the sense in the world to her. The sudden shift from happy child at 3, to distraught confusing gender bending 4 year old. I could see the lightbulb in her eyes through the phone over the span of 1,500 miles. She said she loves me and that if I even keep anything from her for 32 years, I'll have hell to pay.
So after some conversation and honest to goodness smiles, she asked for a picture and the name of her daughter. I sent these to her.
And this was her response.
Other than a few key comments, the following conversations with my sister, cousins, and best friends from back home, the storyline is almost identical. I have had such overwhelming support in the last 48 hours that I can't hardly contain myself. I've spent 32 years knowing what to expect, and 48 hours having all of my expectations blown away. I don't think I could be any more blessed right now. I don't know what else to say but
Thank you Susans. Thank you to all you wonderful guys and girls who make this such a wonderful support system. I don't think I would have made it 32 years without you.
