I see so much of my old self in you, Alexi, sometimes it's like looking in a mirror.
I understand the depression, the feelings of the non-existent self-worth, the low-self-esteem, the wishing of no longer being a part of this world... I understand it all too well.
Hating my body transformed into a hatred for myself. Depression sunk in after years of struggling to fit in with my female peers. I struggled with watching people around me succeed at school, their career goals and successful relationships while I am stuck in the same place I had always been. I felt worthless, I felt there was no redeemable features about myself at all. Whenever a therapist would say I am intelligent, I would doubt them. Whenever someone would compliment my appearance, I would doubt them. I doubted all the compliments and all the insults, I let them justify my negative views of myself.
Going into relationships was difficult because I had enough issues as it was. I was selfish back then and wallowed in my angst, being blind to the suffering of my partners who tried to support and console me. It was to no avail. One particular relationship ended and the partner spoke of suicide so frankly, it made something inside of me snap. I was angry that she was talking about taking her life so easily - over a short-lived relationship no less! I realized it must have been equally frustrating for her to watch me wallow in self-pity and not do anything to fix it.
I needed to make serious changes to my life. Sitting around and moping in my problems isn't going to help me reach my goals faster. Don't worry about what you are to other people. To be frank, other people most likely do not care - they are struggling with their own issues as it is. Can you imagine they would spend every waking minute thinking about how much pain and misery you bring to them? Of course not, that would be illogical. The thought that you will be giving them pain and misery is the depression talking, trying to justify your existence is not needed in this world by saying you are a burden to others. It is not true and you should not buy into it but I understand it's easy to believe that silky smooth voice when it has been your company for such a long time. Depression has become your very close friend but it's time to cut off ties as the influence has become toxic to your health.
Inhale, count to three and exhale. Repeat this as many times until you feel yourself beginning to calm down. Once calm, spend some time introspecting on your thoughts and how you can manage your emotions in a way that you can still experience them but also not let them hinder your progress. Try experimenting with different styles of clothing and gender expression you'd like to express inside your own mind. A mind's imagination can be a useful tool for introspection of your identity (or lack there of - also not a bad thing!) It may take a few days, weeks, months or even years for you to come to a conclusion. And you know what? This is okay! Exploring one's identity should not be rushed, it will take time, effort, experimentation and of course, a therapist is always helpful for advice, guidance or just support.
Don't feel like you have to do everything at once - you will only end up overwhelming yourself and placing unnecessary stress where it's not needed. You are certainly allowed to go at your own pace and there is plenty of time. If you decide half-way that a certain identity is not for you, there is no shame in that. I have originally thought I was FtM and after four years on Testosterone, I now happily identify as non-binary. I used to feel like I was a "fake" for not desiring complete binary transition but that's the thing - transition is different for everyone. There is no cookie-cutter mold you have to follow.
If you can, make a plan for the future (travel plans maybe?), start a new hobby, make some new friends, chat to an elderly strangers or smile at people walking past. It might sound ridiculous but doing something small as smiling and making casual talk with others can brighten another person's day. Smiling is universal. If they smile back at you, there's that connection you have made as human beings... it is wonderful. So many people go through the motions everyday and forget that each and every one of us are only human - some even forget to smile! We all have up and down days - how we deal with those emotions is what defines us as who we are.
A psychiatrist once told me something that was in a very similar theme as one that was used in a comic strip,
"Just because you haven't got it all figured out, doesn't mean you never will. Some day, you may even look back and wonder why you were ever worried." Believe me when I say you are not alone and this feeling, even if it feels terrible now, I assure you, it
will get better. I am on the other side of depression, waving to you through the dark tunnel, even though you can't hear or see me, I'm yelling that it is better on the other side - you just have to brace yourself and walk through the darkness to the light. At the end of the day, your life and your future is in your hands to control - it's solely up to you if you want to move forward or stay in the same place.
*Hugs* Support is always here for you. I hope you feel better soon and I hope I wasn't too harsh in my post.
Kind regards,
Jacey
