Sometimes, in the night, when the censors are down and I can't sleep, I wonder if all the stuff I say here and all the GNC stuff I do is just the product of some neurosis, like they used to say about trans-ness in general.  And if they manage to extract my neurosis (like some psychic splinter), I'll realize I don't really belong here, it was all just stuff I made up and convinced myself of to avoid facing my Real Issues.

I'll get Adjusted, because that's Healthy.  'Bye, folks, gotta stop thinking I'm the King of Hearts and go back to my platoon.

I'll want to live in black-and-white.  I'll chuck the skirts and dresses and bright colors and only want to wear L.L. Bean khaki pants and denim or cambray shirts in various shades of drab.  I'll hang out with other Guys and drink beer and talk about football and say sexist stuff and -- well, whatever it is Guys talk about when they hang out with other Guys.  I'll acquire me a girlfriend (or wife), and I'll enjoy the sandwiches and sex she gives me and it won't even occur to me to wonder or care what she goes through.

It seems like a living nightmare.

But sometimes I kind of wish for it.  It would be a self-obliteration far more complete than, say, swimming out to the middle of the river and ... well, you know.  Maybe at least it'd stop hurting.

i'm facing my own real issues. dealing with them makes me happier, more balanced, and lots of good things.
but it also makes me realize that trans is still there, and i still want to be the person i really am.
i'm more secure about who i am. i no longer feel like i need to prove something.
i'll just insist on my right to be, even stronger as other issues are dealt with.

of course it could have been caused by some sort of neurosis, but... that isn't a very likely explanation any more.

I come from that world you describe. I don't ever want to go back to that..? If this is a neurosis I have now, I want more of it..!  I will hide the pills they try and give me, I'll pretend to be like them until I'm free again, and me..!

If they removed that psychic splinter, and all I have become would just disapeare from my mind, It would likely shock my system so badly, I would just drop dead on the spot..

I don't want to go back to my place with the platoon, I don't want a platoon..? I want to be king of hearts.! I love being king of hearts, especially now that I know why I am the way I am..!

I'm like you, I often wake at night, can't sleep.. Some things hurt.. I feel scared.. The coming day scares me, I have nightmares about the people I'll meet, how they will act, how I will act and react..? Its hard, even being basically happy inside, sometimes I dred those first rays of morning light... I know what they mean, and its not going to be easy getting through the day...

But then, I realize it isn't a neurosis, disorder or disease I have.. I know there are others like me out there, not many, certainly not enough to make me feel like I am normal (whatever that means?) and not an outsider in a strange land..? But enough to make me know I'm okay, I can stand tall, have a few nice moments I feel I've succeeded at something during the day, but at the very least go through the day as the real me, knowing no one can take that away from me..

So as my necrosis flares, and the psychic splinter goes deep into my flesh, I know I will get to be me, at least one more day...!

If You dont want to get adjusted, then for Heavens' sake - dont! Make Your own rules and live by Your code. There are no super-imperative binary or non-binary trans narratives You might need to conform to...  Just be Yourself, feel and live Your life, day by day, sharing virtues of kindness, love, acceptance and friendship. Be strong and righteous, but dont get overzealous, because even black and white have many shades. Be a good person and dont let others be bad guys and succeed in that - restore justice and undo wrong deeds (Yours and others') if necessary. Be spontaneous and nonpredictable. Be alive. Be free.

losing a part is a very disturbing feeling.
there was a sootball once, who was very entertaining and the cutest fuzzy creature. even i liked it.
but it disappeared. that felt seriously weird, even i i didn't really identify with it.

and there are times when my empathy just suddenly decides to take a break.
i'm left, rather stumped, not knowing how to react correctly to other people's writings.

if adjusting means letting go of parts, i don't want that.
let me be me, even when there are a few parts too many to fit the social norm.

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on September 17, 2014, 04:09:07 AM
If You dont want to get adjusted, then for Heavens' sake - dont!

I don't want to get adjusted.

But I do want to stop hurting.

I do want to feel like there's somewhere I belong, where I won't feel like the lone extra-terrestrial in a sea of Earth-humans.

I do want to have things that I look forward to in my heart of hearts besides the day I won't exist any more.

I want to put down the ever-increasing load of bricks that I carry (for some reason, I think of Giles Corey from The Crucible saying "More weight") and romp barefoot through fields like a child (but no child that I ever was.)

I do want to be able to cry when I'm sad, and know why I'm crying and have it pass like a summer thundershower.

These invisible splinters have been festering so long I have no idea what it would be like if they were gone.  Would I still be me?  Or would it be like in The Child Buyer, where they wipe out your personality and have it grow back the supposedly better (or more useful) way they direct?

Ah, You are another stranger in a strange land . Godspeed, fellow traveller and remember - "we are just passin' through"