So I got up all my courage and sat down to talk with my wife. I've just - within weeks - determined that I am TG. I've got a shrink, though not a specialist in TG, and it is through him that my revelation came. I talked with him just this morning and I said I felt I needed to tell my wife.
It was a disaster. It was pretty much all that I've read here already; well, the not so good stuff. She asked a bunch of the same questions as I've read on here that spouses ask, but she wasn't really interested in answers. She asked what my plans are and I said I had hoped that we could work together. Somewhere in there was the response that we can't be married; she's not a lesbian. When I said "I love you" she said not to say that anymore because she can't even imagine what that would mean.
I could go on and on, but that's the gist. She wants me out of the house; she's not leaving - it's not her fault. She did back off on fault, but none of this is heading in the right direction. Still, I'll work with her, but I'm not totally folding either. If she wants to split, I guess I have no option but I'll hold out for fairness and equity.
Without her support at all, I can't even imagine approaching my kids (adults), especially my son the not so closeted red-neck.
I'm feeling everything slip away right now. I'm trying to hold on to what so many here have said - this is the worst but eventually it will get better. Maybe.
Heck, maybe she'll wake up tomorrow... or the next day... and decide we can work on something. Not likely but I've got to try for hope.

I feel pretty much bottom of the barrel, but I've been here before. I will say I'm 'safe' in that I won't consider suicide though the word has run through my mind. I can't do that for what it would do to survivors. If I started feeling a leaning that direction I'd call my shrink and a hotline if need be. I'm not going that way.

Now why am I writing this?? I guess to vent. I know just about all of you has gone through this kind of devastation - and you're still here. I know you are here to offer support as much as get it and I know you mean well. I'm just not sure what anyone can say right now. One of the things my wife ranted on was that she's got no one to talk to. I suggested a professional, but I know from the past she's done with that herself... now she says it isn't her problem (yeah, I know that makes no sense).
I'm trying to leave room for her to have any and all emotions she's going to feel and I'm trying not to be mad with her in any way (and I think doing ok).
I want to be supportive of her, even if she's not going to support me - I can only imagine how devastated she feels. At the same time, I can't completely fold and concede everything she might want. If there's a divorce, I guess I've got to face it. I went through one before and feel I was a fool in many respects. But so did my spouse, so this may be difficult. OK... S T O P !!!  B R E A T H E !!!
Let me end this here on that note. I need to give this time. I need time for her and I need time for me.
note to me: keep repeating "this is NOT the end of the world..."

Thanks for the place to vent.

Well you told part of my story.  It got much worse before it got any better.  For me my daughter and grandkids kept me mostly sane but it took a while for my wife to decide that I wasn't a freak after all.  She and I live on the same lot and since the house is mine she will eventually go, but we are something like friends now.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.  The women who stay are amazing, those that leave are not at fault, it is a lot to ask.  Those that leave scorched earth need help and maybe a restraining order.  I wish you well and if you need an ear send me a pm.

You know the mantra...BREATHE

Peace,
Julie

I get the gist that it's rare for this sort of thing to go well. Mine wasn't pleasant either, although I have mixed feelings about it. We have an ongoing dialogue about our feelings regarding my transition, but a lot of it is just my spouse telling me why he thinks I'm not trans, or giving his opinion on why transsexualism is sad. Hang in there!

It will be tough, but don't give up yet.  I went thru the same sort of thing in March, adding in some conservative religious stuff as well.  But we are still (nominally) married.  We don't hate each other and we respect each other.

Give your wife some time.  This is going to be tough on her whatever the outcome.   But she is going to need some time to get past her immediate reactions (fear, anger, loss) and calm down enough to think rationally.  Then hopefully you can talk about things and see if there is some room for compromise.

I know how tough it is.  You have just discovered something enormous about yourself and want to share it with the one you love.  But give her time.  Things might work out yet.

Yeah, just BREATHE..

In the days ahead she will have time to better digest everything, I imagine it would be quite a shock for anyone..

We will keep you both in our thoughts, and wish the very best for you..

I'm sorry things didn't go well. Give it some time, hopefully you and your wife will be able to talk a bit more calmly then.

Is there a friend that both you and your wife trust? Maybe this is a person she could talk to (because you mentioned she said she didn't have anyone). I've been thinking about this as well (I think it would be beneficial for my husband to talk to someone about this) - but he doesn't seem to want to talk to anyone. He just pretends nothing happened, which has it's own disadvantages.

All the best to you and your wife - I hope things take a positive turn!

Thanks for your words of support.
The sun actually rose this morning in spite of all this, though one of my wife's last statements to me this morning was that she kind of hoped for an early death for me - but not to worry, she wouldn't actively seek it. I didn't say that I've casually thought about bridge abutments, but not seriously - I am NOT suicidal.
She was a little more calm but I'm still having trouble trying to answer what have to be desperate, vague questions from her. I know she's still in shock and will be for a while. Meanwhile, I'm upset enough to make my end of the communication less that it needs to be.
I just ordered two books from Amazon with 2 day delivery at her request... she doesn't 'dare' use her computer to order as she feels it would lead back to her with negative results. I'll respect that.
She acknowledged that we'll need to talk a lot more about this, even if it's only to organize a separation. That we can't truly afford a divorce at this time is no consolation to either of us. I'm just hoping for things to improve - I know they'll change.

We have a friend who is gay and I've given a lot of thought to reaching out to him. I'm so far away any firm plans for transition - other than waiting until I can absorb the whole concept of TG - that I have wanted to keep the number of people I tell to an absolute minimum. I'm hoping this guy and his husband might be some support.

Kaydee, I am so sorry that you've got the conservative religion thing going on. I am a pastor myself in one of the most liberal denominations and feel bad when I see what I feel to be Jesus' message (no offense to non-believers! I do understand!!) twisted and misused to push people away who might want and need the love I feel Jesus offers.

Again, thanks to all!

I thought you were behaving awfully rationally.  That you have a grounding is a wonderful thing.  My step-father was a pastor at UCC and that community supported me when I disclosed who I am and continues to support me as a human being and as a seeker of truth.  My more fundamentalist cousins, are convinced that I am doomed to hell, and want nothing to do with me.  It saddens me that the beatitudes get lost in the begats even for followers of the carpenter.

That your bride cannot see that you remain the one she loves, is infinitely sad.  That may change, It also might not.  You, however, are a pilgrim to authenticity, and while pilgrimages always have challenge, but are ultimately transcendent. Thank you for being a part of this community.

The gay community and the trans community are not the same, but my gay friends are both supportive and affirming to me.  I hope you find that too.

Shalom,

Julie

I'm glad that things are a little more calm now. And it's a good thing you're still on speaking terms (and I'm not being sarcastic!).

Maybe entrusting what is going on to your friend and his husband is a good idea. I decided I'll be fairly open about my trans*ness, even though it is not currently clear to me if and how far I will (be able to) transition. I can afford the luxury of being open because I live in a society and have a circle of friends who I know will be fairly accepting. So I know I'm privileged there. Anyway, what I wanted to say is for me personally coming out is not a necessary evil to go through with in order to get to the next "level" (i.e. transition). To me it provides the opportunity of tapping into a support network for myself and - hopefully - my husband. I'm still selective in who I tell (or plan to tell), but I want people to acknowledge who I am - also in the hope of alleviating some of the dysphoria I feel.

Talking to cis friends has also helped me to better understand what must be going on in my husband.

So of course this absolutely depends on the individual situation, but friends can be very helpful!

Julie and adrian, thanks for your follow-ups. I'm sure posts like mine get tedious after a while. That people care enough to respond to the same old stuff time and again speaks volumes about you as people.

Well, I need to vent. I think my wife has moved into the denial stage of grief, bringing alone the anger as well. I'm totally crazy in her book and I need to decide what I'm going to do so she can get on with her life. I ordered two books from Amazon - she had requested I order one for her - but that was met with a roll of eyes as if this was something I'd thought of to get her to 'buy into' my crazy thoughts...
She says I need to go to a gender specialist, which I think of as a good idea just not as she imagines which is to have that person tell me I'm crazy but not TG. My thoughts are simply that getting confirmation from someone else would be supportive to me personally.

Also, it occurred to me her attitude of I've got to decide what I'm going to do isn't going to work out. I've to remember that at the very least, I've been cross-dressing since I was in 7th grade, regardless of the fact that somehow I managed to suppress any thought that I was really "cross-dressing". God only knows what I thought I was doing! At any rate, having done this all my life, I realize that is NOT going to go away. She is NOT going to accept a husband who is a cross-dresser either, so the marriage is pretty much doomed.

I'd hoped to take my time - with her - and work things through. It seems increasingly likely that that won't happen, so even while I want to work at playing out things with her I need also to start planning how to do it all on my own without her.

So, if anyone out there knows of a particularly good gender therapist in central/south central CT, let me know. Meanwhile I'm going to start some serious investigation myself.
Also if anyone here knows personally of a good support group or even real, live, in the flesh individuals in this part of the world who might help, I'd be ever so grateful.

Yes, Adrian, we're still on speaking terms, but I feel like the anvil with her as the hammer. I know she needs to do that but it sure does hurt! Life - in whatever form or way - WILL go on. How is another matter and scares the daylights out of me.

Thanks to anyone who even reads this.
a grateful 'OlderTG'

Good Morning,
I'll be in Demming most of Saturday and Sunday week after next (20-21).  I'll be visiting a friend, musician, activist who also happens to be trans.  I will send her a note asking for a referral, and will include your post as background if that is OK with you.  I can meet you for coffee somewhere if you would like to talk as well.  Just let me know.

Becoming the authentic me took sixty-one years.  It is never too late and never easy.  But the opportunity to live in a way, with a shape that fits, makes whatever steps are necessary worth the struggle.
I wish you Fair Winds and Calm Seas,

Julie

Quote from: OlderTG on September 10, 2014, 08:01:33 AM

Thanks to anyone who even reads this.
a grateful 'OlderTG'

Hi there OlderTG

A lot of us read posts but feel unqualified to make any meaningful contribution.  However, what is clear is that you are who you are, and you have had extreme courage in coming out to your wife.  I salute you for your honesty.

My frame of reference is very different to yours, so I wouldn't even hazard any advice, although I think you're doing the right thing by being patient and trying to get your wife to a point of sufficient acceptance to permit rational discussion.

I do wish you luck on your journey to self-realisation.

Hugs - we all need lots of 'em -

Julia

Quote from: OlderTG on September 10, 2014, 08:01:33 AM
Julie and adrian, thanks for your follow-ups. I'm sure posts like mine get tedious after a while. That people care enough to respond to the same old stuff time and again speaks volumes about you as people.

Well, I need to vent. I think my wife has moved into the denial stage of grief, bringing alone the anger as well. I'm totally crazy in her book and I need to decide what I'm going to do so she can get on with her life. I ordered two books from Amazon - she had requested I order one for her - but that was met with a roll of eyes as if this was something I'd thought of to get her to 'buy into' my crazy thoughts...
She says I need to go to a gender specialist, which I think of as a good idea just not as she imagines which is to have that person tell me I'm crazy but not TG. My thoughts are simply that getting confirmation from someone else would be supportive to me personally.

Also, it occurred to me her attitude of I've got to decide what I'm going to do isn't going to work out. I've to remember that at the very least, I've been cross-dressing since I was in 7th grade, regardless of the fact that somehow I managed to suppress any thought that I was really "cross-dressing". God only knows what I thought I was doing! At any rate, having done this all my life, I realize that is NOT going to go away. She is NOT going to accept a husband who is a cross-dresser either, so the marriage is pretty much doomed.

I'd hoped to take my time - with her - and work things through. It seems increasingly likely that that won't happen, so even while I want to work at playing out things with her I need also to start planning how to do it all on my own without her.

So, if anyone out there knows of a particularly good gender therapist in central/south central CT, let me know. Meanwhile I'm going to start some serious investigation myself.
Also if anyone here knows personally of a good support group or even real, live, in the flesh individuals in this part of the world who might help, I'd be ever so grateful.

Yes, Adrian, we're still on speaking terms, but I feel like the anvil with her as the hammer. I know she needs to do that but it sure does hurt! Life - in whatever form or way - WILL go on. How is another matter and scares the daylights out of me.

Thanks to anyone who even reads this.
a grateful 'OlderTG'

Sorry that things are rough. I can relate to much you write, even though I'm not faced with the anger your wife is directing at you. I hope you're able to find a therapist soon!

In a way what's happening is that we are threatening our spouses' identity - they have to redefine themselves along with us and I imagine that it's as painful as what we are going through. This is not "our fault", but it's also not our spouses'. They have no control over this, and that must be extremely scary and threatening.

Give her time, but pursue your well-being. I hope her anger will give way to something less destructive, so you can start talking.

Hang on in there!

deleted - sorry, for some reason my response posted twice!

My condolences to you. You're on the same side of the fence as myself, one of those who experiences very early and total rejection by the person you've loved so many years.

My only consolation to you is this -while it hurts now, just about every transwoman I've met who was rejected by a spouse yet moved on with their lives ended up happier than before.

This too shall pass. You have a future before you as you, not as some fake shell. Focus on that. If she wants to be there, she will; and if she doesn't, it's not your fault.

Hello from another aged and not yet transitioning TG struggling with and currently living with a longtime spouse. Statistically the older you are when "the light goes on" that you are TG the less likely you will be successful in staying together. Does she feel deceived? Mine Knew I had cross dressing fantasies almost 40 years ago when we started dating but when she couldn't accept it, I spent a lifetime trying to bury it. The last 5 years were the exploration (on my own) to come to the conclusion I am TG. Mine is most angry about being deceived, that I didn't trust her when I first started exploring and she (somewhat optimistically) believes I wouldn't have gone down this horrible path if I had spoken honestly all along. Hard to say now though. I absolutely understand the vague questions. here too. And my answers never satisfy....leading to many questions over and over again. So sad.

Enough whinging from me. Good luck on your journey. I have to work on the assumption that it is never too late to be real in real life.

Huggs and best wishes. I am sorry you are going through this and hopefully you and your wife will be able to come to at least some sort of amicable arrangement.

Well doesn't that suck,  . I'm sorry, but hopefully you can make it work out, or at least in the end I think you'll be happy knowing that you transitioned. I wish you good luck however it may go.

The latest piece of this has been that my wife said that IF I don't transition we could stay together and that I needed to consider this with my shrink. Last shrink session as I tried to play my own devil's advocate, shrink commented that I seem the happiest and most comfortable when I'm accepting my TG self.

Next up, I've got to tell my wife that I can NOT promise not to transition; that it doesn't mean I don't love her but that I have to love myself also. Of course I'm torn. And I still recognize what a horrible situation this is for her.

Soon after that I need to face my two daughters in their mid-late 20's and my son getting close to 40. My son will be the most difficult to tell and with the most disastrous results, but who knows.

I've felt wonderful support from people here and I'm looking forward to meeting Julie this Sunday!! Finally! A face to face personal talk with someone who is further along in this process of becoming who we're meant to be!

Last night I told my married gay friends and I couldn't have asked for more love, support and validation. I've only taken those first one or two steps and am somewhat daunted by what lies ahead and yet while I'm scared stiff, I'm anxious to be on with my life.

Good luck telling your kids! Hopefully they will be understanding and compassionate about the situation. Coming to grips with things makes you anxious to get the ball rolling, especially when you live with it for so long, but understand it's going to take patience to transition. It takes a while just to get appointments and then hrt is a slow process too.