Best of luck with everything. It's been my experience that younger generations are far more accepting about this, so fingers crossed that telling your children works out well.  Also, people do soften their opinions over time as they realize transition doesn't have to mean a total loss of the person they once loved (and still do love), so give your wife time to adjust.

Quote from: OlderTG on September 19, 2014, 09:11:25 AM
The latest piece of this has been that my wife said that IF I don't transition we could stay together and that I needed to consider this with my shrink. Last shrink session as I tried to play my own devil's advocate, shrink commented that I seem the happiest and most comfortable when I'm accepting my TG self.

Next up, I've got to tell my wife that I can NOT promise not to transition; that it doesn't mean I don't love her but that I have to love myself also. Of course I'm torn. And I still recognize what a horrible situation this is for her.

Soon after that I need to face my two daughters in their mid-late 20's and my son getting close to 40. My son will be the most difficult to tell and with the most disastrous results, but who knows.

I've felt wonderful support from people here and I'm looking forward to meeting Julie this Sunday!! Finally! A face to face personal talk with someone who is further along in this process of becoming who we're meant to be!

Last night I told my married gay friends and I couldn't have asked for more love, support and validation. I've only taken those first one or two steps and am somewhat daunted by what lies ahead and yet while I'm scared stiff, I'm anxious to be on with my life.

Hi there,
As a late transitioner who has preserved both her mariage and her relationship with her three adult kids (all relationships actually stronger and healthier than before), I'd like to throw a few ideas at you.

I came out to my second wife regarding my strong identification with all things feminine almost from the day we met. That was back in April 2005 and at the time I frankly had no idea that I would end out transitioning. Like you I cross dressed a lot and felt far closer to the feminine world and to women than I did to men, that was it.

The woman who was to become my second wife accepted this side of me and when, 3 years later,  I started to test the waters regarding a transition (first experience with HRT) , she understood where I was coming from and was very much involved in the decision making process.

I did not come out to my kids until I was pretty certain I was going to transition and that didn't happen until three years later again, in July 2011, when I took the first really irreversible and very visible step in my transition process, FFS.

All of that to say that I would question the wisdom of coming out to anyone other than my wife until I am absolutely sure that I want to go ahead and transition. By coming out to too many people too early in the process, you are setting yourself up for a huge amount of grief, possibly for nothing if, like many people who identify as TG, you finally decide not to transition. There is a French expression which goes "Vivons bien, vivons caché" which translates as "Live well, live hidden..." which applies very well in this case. Right now, if you haven't decided to transition, you don't actually need to come out to anyone so why do it?

At the end of the day, like any other decision we make, the decision to transition needs to be weighed up on a cost/benefits basis. In my own case, if transitioning meant sacrificing the relationships that meant most to me (wife and kids), I am not at all sure I would have gone through with it. Most of all, it was the support of my wife that carried me through. That support came willingly because over time she saw who I was, not because I tried to force it down her throat.

So, I agree, right now you need to breath deeply, stop and think, ideally with the help of a third party who can stand back and help you identify what is really important to you so that you will be comfortable with whatever decision you finally make.
Wishing you all the best!
Donna

Do clarify what your spouse means when she says transition. Mine believes that almost any indication of being feminine beyond the metrosexual or what is commonly accepted in men (she doesn't like my shaved legs) is too much. If that is what your spouse means it may be more than what you are planning for. If she means no HRT or HRT but no surgery then maybe you have something more substantial to work from.

As before - know that you will be supported here no matter what.

Lots of wisdom here. Thanks. I absolutely do have to give my wife time and space. At this point I'm spending part of the week in 'our' house but a separate bedroom and part of the week in 'our' vacation home. Yes, I do have to get her to define for herself and for me what she means by transition. Part of that will be me helping her understand the different possibilities.

I've also got to remember that this is ALL new to me within just a few weeks. Yes, I've been drawn to the clothes for a while but all the time not even just in denial but totally in the dark about it. Now I've realized I'm TG and have told my wife.

She's told one of her friends, who I HOPE can keep it confidential. She's complained she has no one to talk with but rejected my suggestion she see a counselor she's seen in the past - she says its my problem, not hers and she 'only' needs someone to talk to. Unless her thinking changes, she will want to talk with my daughters about it. Further, I'm to conduct my daughter's wedding next summer and I feel I need to give her time to process who her father is - whether or not I've taken any steps toward transition at that point. In fact, I want to keep her in mind with any decision on transition; if and when.
Back to my wife, she's horribly paranoid about me or anything about 'us' not being 'normal' and because she is using a 'company' computer is, I think, rightfully afraid of going to this or any other TG site. Yes, I could let her use my computer and that's maybe a possibility as time goes on.

I want you to know that I appreciate all your thoughts and am not at all refuting them, but will need to tailor them for my own situation. And I need to be careful not to overthink my own situation. Time. Time for her, time for me. As I struggled to open that unknown box that is TG, my shrink asked me, "what's the rush?" My response was "I'm 66 years old and I'm just finding out who I am! What do you mean 'what's the rush'?"
I feel like a little kid opening a present at Christmas. It's a beautiful present but it's all boxed in plastic etc. And then I'm told, "No, we can't open that now. You'll have to wait until later." Dammit!!! I don't want to wait!!! And yet, I understand the importance of waiting. 
I'm beginning to understand just how painful/wonderful this process is. It seems so far that every step of the way represents a deep, deep conflict. Donna is certainly right in talking about weighing both sides of a transition. I don't want to lose my wife and family and yet can I afford to deny who I am?
To determine that, I need time, I need work with my own shrink and I suspect a few sessions at least with a TG specialist. And still, there's that pretty present, all boxed and wrapped in plastic in the package...

Hey there, thank you for the update and letting us know how things are going for you . For me this is very helpful because I see myself in a somewhat similar situation, although I'm a bit younger and don't have kids. But, wow, can I relate to the christmas gift analogy. I feel the exact same way! However, I'm beginning to accept that it's going to take time, and I actually will grant myself and my husband this time.

"Painful / wonderful" is a great way of describing the process.

It's awesome you were able to tell your friends and that they were supportive. I have pretty much decided that I will come out to more people step by step - regardless of what my decision concerning transition will be. But as you say, everyone has to decide for themselves how to handle this - we are all individuals in very specific situations, environments and relationships. For me, what I'm noticing is that with being out of the closet, some of the pressure that came from pretending to be someone who I'm not has lifted. I feel I don't have to conform to the female role anymore (not that I did a very good job at that before - which resulted in more bad feelings because I realized how much I sucked at this pretending business).

Good luck for talking to your children! Maybe your son will surprise you :-) I'm crossing my fingers!

:hugs: