Hey everyone I recently made a topic on to find out how others deal with dysphoria. Which helped me some but things still seem to be getting worse as the days go by. I'm pretty young the age of 19, and I'm honestly getting to the point I just don't wanna exist anymore. My face always seems like it's getting more masculine, people go out of their way to misgender me (the ones that know). I don't have many people that honestly care anymore which one of the last ones decided to go another way today (another person was the cause of this).

As it gets worse my hopes for a job go down the drain because I don't wanna work in a environment that I know will be harmful to me. But then again I think really does it matter? The school already does enough and so does my family. There isn't any local support groups or anything. I can't stand to take pictures or even look in a mirror because I break down.

People say that things do get better eventually and I don't believe that's true in my case. Because every day things just get worse, and I just can't deal with it anymore. The only thing I even do anymore is just go to school, cry, and then pass out. I feel as if I'm running out of options. =/ I don't know what to do any longer. Because since I've run into a money issue I'm unable to see a therapist and I'm unable to get help for it.

I am the same way currently. I just don't even want to talk about it by making a topic. I don't even want to live. I am thinking even I did destroy this body, I (spirit) would probably look the same (with breasts) so there is no escape for me. That's why I don't bother hurting myself more than I already do (with binding naturally).

You say you are running out of options...I suspect that is probably not true. You'll have to excuse me, I'm unaware of where you are in terms of transition but given you are young I'll presume it's not very far along (please correct me if I'm wrong - I frequently am).

Are you seeing a gender therapist or a counsellor and looking at ways forward? Are you talking to someone about your depression and trying to deal with it? Are you on HRT? Are you presenting as female? (Most people will misgender you as male if you still are presenting as male, even if you have told them you are trans.)

You are young, you have so much opportunity to move forward from this point, overcoming your depression and sense of helplessness is probably the best way forward because it sounds like it is holding you back. It's understandable because transition is a huge, huge, huge step and the cis centric medical system is frequently stacked against us. But that said you have plenty of opportunity and options to progress.

Carpe diem, seize the day!

I know its really hard but you have to keep moving forward, as Grace said you are young you may not see it now but you can succeed.

I can't afford therapy, and everytime I try to talk to someone about depression they always try to send me to a religious leader. Which that would be like taking a car to have it repaired by a librarian. I'm unable to present as female due to circumstances, and I'm not exactly allowed to talk about my HRT. I also don't believe I have the means to get anywhere from here, and the only thing I look forward to is death.

Please don't let your current circumstances block you in. Clearly you are not in a supportive environment, go to a doctor and tell them you are depressed - it's hopefully unlikely you will then be sent to a priest. It's all about finding the solution that works for you, and I understand that is utterly, mind blowingly overwhelming. One step at a time, not all at once is the only way you'll get yourself out of this mire and it will require some fortitude and courage. There is no single magic solution, not for any of us. You need to believe you can make change in your life, that there are people who can help you do this, that you are not a victim of circumstance, that you can be the person you know yourself to be.

I don't have the ability to get to a doctor or a ability to afford it. Lack of insurance, and lack of ride is typically a problem. Either way people will still do the same. So whether I'm trapped inside the house or if I'm stuck at school dealing with people it still makes me feel the same.

Hiya, I'm really sorry to hear you feel this way, it does suck as I've been there myself on frequent occasions.  Can I also say (and this may also be triggering) that last year I went through a phase when a trans friend died of feeling like I wanted to join her, because I felt I had no control over my own life.  I realised that this was related to grief though and apparently it's quite common, I felt the same way after my nana passed away.  I wish I could offer you a hug but can't because you're probably miles away (or thousands knowing this particular site hehe), can I instead offer you the hope of knowing that despite how deeply emotional and deeply devoted to that moment of feeling that death was the better option, I moved on and haven't looked back since.  We all have ups and downs and you are only very young, 10 years younger than I am.  You know you can still get to where you want to be, transition is very slow anyway and although we all want to see instant results, a lot of the time it's a lot of waiting for appointments, or waiting until you have insurance cover and a job, and then on hormones even it's more and more waiting, month after long month.  Have hope though chick, life, even as it feels at the moment is way more important than the alternative.  It takes losing close friends to realise this.  Caitx

I unfortunately live in a very bad place for trans people so it tends to bring me down further. I just don't have the ability to get out of this. Every solution I find always has a tall wall blocking me from that solution and hrt is the only reason why I'm still around now. (It just isn't the correct way of such.) (7 months in tomorrow actually.)

I have felt this way for about 6 years now, (off and on) I spent most of my teenage years alone. And the chances are I will never have a job or anything at this point. I hate seeing my face still it makes me suicidal, the people around me make it much worse. My teacher caused a severe trigger today so I left school early. I hate that place. I can never get away from dysphoria. Even at home.

I don't have any friends left to care about in such a way. And considering how my family treats me whenever one died I never felt anything towards them.

hun, it sounds like you have very very unfortunate circumstances much of it you can not control. But some you can. You have to work on figuring out what you can and cannot control.

I know from experience what it is like to have no hope what so ever. I also have struggled with suicidal thoughts. where you have almost no options and every single one seems like it will not lead to loss and pain.

The thing is though when you are in that state of mind things always look darker then they are. You develop a pessimistic view and it makes it hard to some up the courage to do what you have to do, but You have to take a chance and do something to get out the loop.

I moved away from my family with only a thousand dollars to my name and no job, hoping to start my transition. I am still struggling with the overwhelming bills but I am so much happier then I was just because I am taking steps to become the person I wish to be. The decision to move away from an area much like yours, where they don't accept lgbt people, was the best decision of my life. Suicide isn't on my mind anymore

You are still really young and one day you will become the beautiful person that you want to become. You just have to allow yourself to be that person. Things really do get better, but they  don't just get better with out effort from your end. You have to take steps in right direction before you can ever get to your destination.

I've tried to get out of the loop before and I end up worse off than I was before.  At this point I can't take another day it's just too much to live with. I don't honestly see how people can wait another day when dealing with problems like this. Because I'm not able to take it anymore.

I've tried to get income before and I always meet the few bad apples that wonderfully make things worse than they already are. I'm only around people that bring me down constantly and I'm unable to find any that don't.

I know it's not realistic for a lot of people... but if you hate where you are... you could drop out, run away, and start a new life. Move to a safer city and state with more support. Stay in youth hostels and shelters (most will take people up to ages 21-25, and some are queer/trans youth specific). Carry everything you really need in a backpack, or a guitar case. Busk and bus your way across the country. And write about it, so that those who come after you can know it is possible.

It is scary. It is exciting. It is excruciating. It can be so worthwhile. If you need help getting public assistance, or finding your way to a good place, or finding a therapist who can see you for free our cheap, there are people here for you.

I am thinking of doing this. I haven't yet, so I can't say anything with authority. But if you headed my way (Seattle), I'd be happy to meet you.

Moving won't solve all your problems, but it might help you access services that you need.

If you can't do this right now... it can still help just to fantasize.

It would be nice other than my school would probably come after me because of my financial assistance. What kills me the most is that there isn't any help locally. The closest gender therapist is about 100 miles away. Closest support group is a 5 hr drive >_<.  Then again even if there were a therapist close by I couldn't afford it. I did find a cheap online gender therapist but I can't afford her either.

Skylar, I'm sorry to hear that you're in a bad place right now. You're caught in that hole between childhood and adulthood where you're trying to be independent but held back by a lack of resources.

Here's what I suggest. You've got to try to find work of some sort. Not every environment is hostile to transgender individuals; you'll have to look around and see what you can find, because a lack of funds for therapy or basic healthcare seems to be a big worry of yours that is relatively easily overcome.

What health resources does your school have? Counselors? A health clinic? Is it a religious school?

One last question: you're seven months on HRT - are you self-medicating?

My school has no health resources unfortunately. No counselors or anything it is just a basic technical school. And the only type of job I'm qualified for is IT which I've been applying to places. They are real bad about ->-bleeped-<- though due to "Professionalism".

And yes but it isn't prescription.  It's a type people believe not to work but I have seen some evidence of such working. (Like I'm a A cup now from completely flat chested.)

Ok.  Careful with the meds please.

On the job front, IT is a career field I associated with being rather accepting of transgender folk.  But regardless, if you're finding it hard to break in and you're certain that it's because of who you are and what you look like, is there any way you could tone it down and present as a typical conservative male in order to get your foot in the door?  Unpleasant, but it might have to be done.  Once you've found a job, it's easier to transition - you'll have access to health insurance, a little money, and if you've proven yourself to be a valuable employee then there's less of a chance they'll try to fire you for transitioning.

You seem to be in such a bad place right now that taking more aggressive measures to get back on your feet appear necessary.  The cycle you're in at present will continue unless something is done to break it.  Many of us have been there: we're so caught up in transitioning that we don't take care of the more urgent things like job stability, health, paying the rent etc., and then problems caused because of unemployment, illness, and finances make it harder to progress with transition, so the gender issues get worse and so on and so forth.  Maybe focus on something else as best you can - employment?  Once you've got a job, then you can start to apply some money to your transition, which makes you happier, which makes you work better, etc.

Please try, okay?  We're here to support you as best we can.

I am not capable of being a conservative male. >_<  or even acting like one it sends me into misery when I'm even associated with such.  It's part of the reason I had problems with cutting and various other things. I am to the point I rather not exist than to be associated with that.  I've been trying for the past year while in school and I can't do it. It mentally destroys me.

Hmm. I feel where you're coming from.

The problem is, as you recognize yourself in the title of the thread, that everything is getting worse. You're in a downward spiral, and you've got to do something to break out of it. Doing nothing, or doing the same thing, is going to get you nowhere.

What breaks the cycle might seem counter-intuitive or unpleasant, but it's temporary. Taking a step back is sometimes absolutely necessary in order to choose a better path and push forwards stronger than before. There are always options, even if they look like impossible compromises right now. The only unacceptable option is giving up - you're far stronger than that, even if you don't yet know it.

It's worse than unpleasant. I am not capable of doing such it's against my whole being to be associated with such. Even if I did manage such a thing I would be on a whole other level of depression than what I am currently. I don't believe I could deal with it because I already have enough problems trying to keep myself from ending my existence. That may work for others to compromise with such but I've already compromised so much in my day to day life. To the point I don't even believe it to be mine anymore. I've grown tired of giving pieces of myself up just to satisfy others.

I already hate myself enough without any more compromise. It wouldn't be beneficial in any way (I highly doubt they would hire a very depressed individual) which is another problem I run into. :/ a job would benefit me but even if I manage to accomplish what you suggest I wouldn't have the mood to even get out of bed.