Good morning everyone..  well, it is here in AZ..

idk where to even begin...  you know, just like everyone else here, I have been struggling with..  doing what I need to, transitioning, not transitioning, reverting, moving on, stopping, restarting..  just a friggin' nightmare.. well, a nightmare no longer.

Last week, my wife and I were arguing.. again.. still yelling, accusing, lying, plays a terrible role in a horrible play, crying, whispering. talking, just the whole gamut of emotions.. marrage counselling sessions.. counselor reading up on being trans, and speaking, understanding a  little bit of my anguish.  we all came to the conclusion, it cant be saved..  yeah.. we've all been there..  well.. back home next day, that argument that began, the end.  Wife said I need to make a decision, do what would be best for me or forever not say a word..  I replied, I have to begin my hormones.. low dose to get a feel for what I need.. 

(ok.. I am a real piece of work, been on hormones, both herbal and drug for 11 months, so this statement.. well, it was for her, and yes, it was a lie, but I was just tired of saying nothing.. )

I said that i was going to start my hormones, she said then I can not remain in the house.  so last Sunday.. I packed, and left... moved in with one of my pilot friends, renting a room from her.  She is very supportive, even encouraging.  Her other roommate, also female, is too.  I am finally in an environment where I can finally stop hiding, stop lying, stop, playing a badly-cast role in a sh1tty play.

I left a lot of my .. old clothes there.. which I have to take to Goodwill this week.  Still a LOT of stuff there I have to clean out, trash, give away.  but I cant believe I'm finally, able to live as myself.  Yesterday, I went shopping for new clothes.. underwear, shower gel, looked at shoes, boots, told a handful of other friends about me, got total support from 3 of 4 I let into my Hell, now turning into limbo. 

I went back to the house yesterday too, to return the wedding album I took.. wife said she wanted it back, which surprised me.  But when I got there, my wife and daughter promptly left.  Fine.  Well, no, it isnt, but I understand.
She said I have to get to the mediator, and sign the separation papers, oh, and buy her a new car.  Anything else? I texted her..  didnt answer..   

She loves to throw around the suicide rate for trans patients, higher than any other group, she says it all the time, I finally told her, it isn't because we are still unhappy the way we turn out after we transition, its because we get no support or understanding from our family members who should love us unconditionally, right Katy Perry??
Still have heard nothing from my mom or sister.  I know they know I'm gone.  They said they will not see me if I change.  Well, I guess they are to going to see me, then.

I announced on my..  other FB page...  that I'm shutting it down soon, and that those, who want to, will know how to get in touch with me.  I didnt say why (yet), just that I was going to leave.  I think, I will say, very breifly why, when I shut it down.  I have begun to migrate over, all the friends that are sticking by me.. nearly 100 at this point, to my Paula page. 

Still no actual pix yet, as I am not out to the guys I have to fly with.  I really think I would get immediately No-Fly'd when I do.  But i can not make anyone, do anything.  I can not, will not, make anyone face this before they are ready.  But there are many more guy pilots, than girl pilots (who most have known me for 15+ yrs and are ok with me).  My company is one of the best LGBTQ employers out there.. with less than zero harassment tolerance.  Seriously.. the hint of any harassment and its the 3rd degree, another incident and that person is gone. No discussion.  And my immediate boss, has always been a good friend to me.  So. work is covered.

A couple sweet oments, my first, I hope is a long series of good ones..  Sunday I moved in, cried most of the day, consoled by my friend.. Monday, her friend came over, met me as Paula, and accepted.   'cooked us both a really fine steak dinner.  He asked a few questions, and I answered them as honestly as I could.  Tuesday, she asked me to come out for dinner with some friends of ours.. one of my buddies, I have not seen for a while (he was out on medical).  I agreed, and decided to go as Paula, again.  Black skinny jeans, a Disney print teeshirt (um, I really need to get fitted for a bra now!) , calf boots and just styled hair, no makeup yet.  L said I looked fine.   but i was .. like.. 

This was Paula's very first public appearance, and with someone who knew.. who I WAS.. and I was scared!  terrified, even.  But L got me to calm down, and just be myself.  She had told my friend about me and said he was ok with me.  Warm, smiled, we talked.. about his returning to work (he and L and are a different plane than I am), time away, our union, etc.. a nice evening, actually.  Yeah, I got a few stares during the night, but I began to ignore them.

My world.. is finally beginning to open up, the light at the end of the tunnel, is not a train, and I'm not standing on the tracks anymore.

Butsome sadness is still there.  I do not know if my family.. any of them, will come around.  but the door will always be open. 

I can only hope, right?

sorry for this being long.. but.. I've been keeping much of this in.  Don't have to anymore, right?

Paula

(EDIT)  OMG, I forgot the BEST part!  Last saturday, I went for my first, full-face laser session !!!   OMFG  oh.. ok, it wasnt thaaaat bad, but it was awfully close!   800mg ibuprofen an hour before I went..  4 minutes, and $125 later, she was done!!   4minutes?? WTH?!  $125 for 4 minutes?  I am in the WRONG line of work!! LOL
a week now and about 40% have fallen out.. a LOT lighter than I was..  and getting better each day.. 

Hugs, sucks that your marriage will not last but I sure as heck would NOT buy her a new car. She's the one not willing to work things out so why should she get her way and at the same time drain you of finances to transition with.

Glad you have support after the marriage crash.

Family would be a nice add to that support but sometimes it takes some healing time.

Get ready for a soon x fire storm. Been there and just let it burn out with out adding any fuel, that made more sweet success.

So Hugs and enjoy your life. Happiness is all we wish. Still lots if rough sections on the path but I feel you will handle them by a step at a time.

Thank you Izzy, and Megumi... but..  I am responsible for this... I did this to them, so, car, house, bills, insurance... I will forever be the provider, its just what I have to do.  Had I said, 31yrs ago, "well, it was nice meeting you, have a great life", and not  "hey, would you like to go out Wednesday?". things would have been much different, and I would not be -wanting- to provide for them.  Call me a sucker, call me a fool, call me anything you like, but it wont change what I feel I must do.

It does feel wonderful, being able to finally walk around in my real clothes, not a costume anymore.

Quote from: Paula Christine on September 21, 2014, 11:15:17 AM
Thank you Izzy, and Megumi... but..  I am responsible for this... I did this to them, so, car, house, bills, insurance... I will forever be the provider, its just what I have to do.  Had I said, 31yrs ago, "well, it was nice meeting you, have a great life", and not  "hey, would you like to go out Wednesday?". things would have been much different, and I would not be -wanting- to provide for them.  Call me a sucker, call me a fool, call me anything you like, but it wont change what I feel I must do.

It does feel wonderful, being able to finally walk around in my real clothes, not a costume anymore.

I'd say your a loving and responsible human being

Suicide attempt rate for pre-transition trans patients is 41%.

Suicide attempt rate for the general population is about 1.5%.

Suicide attempt rate for post-transition trans patients is about 4.5%.

As one smartass from the American Psychiatric Association once said, "When you can reduce the suicide rate by 90% from its untreated rate, then hell yes you have a good solution!" He also observed that the remaining difference in suicide attempt rates doesn't invalidate transition. It just validates that trans patients may need more support post-transition than the general population, plus we need greater levels of acceptance from society generally.

It sounds like you have such a good support system now..
I'm so sorry about your marriage, but you must feel such a burden off now that theres no fighting and stress from that..?
Its a nice end, or part of your journey..
I hope you can always be a pilot, I'd fly on your plane anytime...!! 

It sounds like your life now has the opportunity to move forward and find happiness.  Wishing you the very best on your new life and with your relationship with your family

Safe travels

Aisla

So happy for you.
I am currently in the same boat as you. Married, 2 kids and fighting all the time. I just dont know where to start to tell my wife i want to be a woman.
She is a little off balance as it is,and telling her i i have had these feelings for over 20 years and cant hold them back anymore.
I know the time is coming soon and i am not looking forward to it, and i will lose contact with my kids because of it. As my my mother and sister, i live in another country so it does not bother me too much if they cut me off.
Stay strong, and i will use you courage and strength to help me when the time is upon me.

Good luck on your journey Paula.  Don't ever look back.  Be happy.

I cant put into words, what your wishes mean..  I know this is a one way road, both, physically and mentally... I can never go back, either to my family, unless they invite me back, or mentally, i will never stop, until I reach my goal.. I did forget to say.. that I think i am going to shoot for January 1st for full-time.. RLE..   New Year, new start.. not sure if I'll be ready, but mentally, emotionally, I am.  I can do this.  I can finally do this.  I. CAN. DO. THIS!!!

Quote from: Paula Christine on September 21, 2014, 05:20:12 PM
I cant put into words, what your wishes mean..  I know this is a one way road, both, physically and mentally... I can never go back, either to my family, unless they invite me back, or mentally, i will never stop, until I reach my goal.. I did forget to say.. that I think i am going to shoot for January 1st for full-time.. RLE..   New Year, new start.. not sure if I'll be ready, but mentally, emotionally, I am.  I can do this.  I can finally do this.  I. CAN. DO. THIS!!!

It breaks my heart every time I hear of a marriage or family lost when one transitions.  Sadly, it is the price we too often have to pay in order to heal ourselves.  I wish you all the best on your journey, now that it has truly started.  And yes, you can do this.  You can finally kick your dysphoria square in the nuts once and for all.  My only advice is to let your full-time come organically, and not to force anything.

Hugs,
Jill

  Sorry Sis! 

Paula, I am sorry for the marriage detonation but happy for you for the support you are receiving.

Sorry Paula. It sux for sure. Sometimes what is meant to be is meant to be and other times, well what is meant to be is meant to be too. You can live a lie and miserable or you can live your truth and be happy. To tell you the truth, if I was flying from point A to point B I would rather have a happy with themselves pilot no matter who they are. I won't go into the other possibility. My marriage self destructed too and after about a week or two I realized I was free again. I was me again. I could do what ever I wanted to do because I was in charge of my own destiny. Yeah it hurt for a little while and you can grieve for a while but OMG when the grieving is over and total freedom kicks in then no more of one person controlling who the other is... Unless your wife, like Jill's decides to go through it with you and accepts you no matter what. But a lot of times that doesn't happen to a lot of us. Jill is lucky and other's are lucky. But we are lucky too in that we are now in charge of our own destiny and there will always be someone else out there for you. The possibilities of true love are endless, so why stay with who you thought you loved but can't love you for who you are?

It's too much to ask a straight woman to all of a sudden fall in love with a woman that was her husband. It's really tough.  I wasn't able to keep my relationship going. And my ex is Bi sexual.  But she wanted a man, and I wasn't willing to compromise. 

For those sisters on this board that are lucky enough to have successful marriages with their female spouses, more power to you.  But it's not realistic for a woman to just accept who we are and just love us for who we are. 

Let's say for arguments sake that you were never trans (I'm speaking in general here), and all of a sudden your wife wants to become the man that she believes she is on this inside.  How would you deal with that?  Be honest here. 

To me it's not an issue because I love men. But it's easy to say that women are not understanding or unreasonable.   I just think that once we decide to live our lives in the gender we believe we're born in, that we shouldn't fault our significant for going off the wall, or hating us. 

It sounds like there is some silver lining there.  I'm trying to get my whole face laser-ed tomorrow if I can find the time.

Quote from: Deinewelt on September 23, 2014, 01:06:41 AM
It sounds like there is some silver lining there.  I'm trying to get my whole face laser-ed tomorrow if I can find the time.

AMEN!

Quote from: monica93304 on September 23, 2014, 12:56:01 AM
Let's say for arguments sake that you were never trans (I'm speaking in general here), and all of a sudden your wife wants to become the man that she believes she is on this inside.  How would you deal with that?  Be honest here. 

To be completely honest. I really don't know. If I was straight cis, I probably wouldn't be able to handle it either. But again honestly I can say that it would have been more like a dream come true, she could have went one way and I could have went the other and we could have stayed together, just flip flopped gender roles.

But a really good question monica, kind of like walking in someone else's shoes.

Some very heartfelt thoughts and wishes.  They help to ease the hurt and pain I feel, that each of us feel when we find our spouses can not handle, understand, much less, accept what we are going thru.
Monica.. my wife has said this very thing... "what if I had decided that I was really a guy inside, what would you do?"  I told her, and I KNOW this, I would have stayed, I would have accepted. I do not doubt it for a moment.  That is who I am. Yeah, I know, and already hear the "then you're a better person than me...".  I'm not. I just love more than I judge...  But we'll never know.

But with my own heart, cleaved in two.. busted like a dinner plate, the happiness, and relief I have felt the last 9 days is more than I have felt the last 9 years.  Where I am now, I walk around finally able to wear what I want, what I've needed to.. even my heels, worn Sunday, for over 6hours... because I could!!  Yes, I am grieving the loss of my family, tho they call or text me every couple days with something that is going on, so they still speak to me, I get another friend that accepts me.  Not quite a fair trade but. .. still one I will take.

Sadness and prayers for you that are also losing your spouses, and family. BV.. I am so sorry that yours.. could not endure it either..Jesse, you as well.. prayers going out for all those that are feeling this pain
. 



And, yes.. there is a thing or two good from this.  The greatest of these, no longer being held captive by shame.

Paula