Quote from: LordKAT on September 21, 2014, 11:07:27 PM
I had no idea of terminology, but then the sky is blue whether or not I know that color is called blue. I found out I wasn't seen by others as a boy when I was 3.

This is worth noting.

When we are toddlers, we have no idea about basic biology, nor do we know that our brains and our bodies didn't match. But we knew what felt right and who we are. So a lot of people realized what was going on early but didn't have the requisite knowledge to put it all together.

I spent the first 8 years of my life not really understanding the difference between genders,  people were just people to me, and they still are. Around 11 years old I wasn't allowed to just run around in tshirts alone anymore, and suddenly I was treated very differently from my brother. It never dawned on me that we were different until then.

I found myself hanging around with boys much more than girls and the teachers always said that I should find some girl friends. Id play lots of video games and choose the male character over the female one, whenever we played mmos together with the one girl friend I had, I was always her older brother in game.

It was less weird. Never wanted breasts, cried when I first went bra shopping.

But it wasnt until I met my friend in high school that I actually realised I was trans. She kind of encouraged me to talk to her when dysphoria got bad, and eventually she asked if it would be better if she just called me a boy, and it made the day so much more bearable. 

A bit of thinking and therapy and googling later, here I am.

Oh by the way I grew up in the 80s, and I used to watch America's top 10 on TV. My favorite singer was Boy George and I remember asking my parents why he dressed up in girl's clothing and if I could... of course the answer was NO. LOL.

I have a memory of being 4 and frequently praying that I would wake up female. That was in the 1950s. That never really went away, I knew from that time forward that something wasn't quite right, but didn't really understand it. I spent years hiding in altered states of consciousness never really facing it. Things got really bad in my 50s and I sought out counseling. That's where I learned that I am trans. I didn't want to accept it. I was in therapy for maybe 4 years before I accepted the offer by my therapist to write "the letter", the dysphoria was particularly pronounced and I was becoming suicidal, so I thought what the heck, let's see if this works. Well. It works. I'm a girl. My brain is happy on E.

My earliest memory in life was when I was 5 and I went to my mothers bedroom, put on some of her clothes, smudged on some lipstick and heels that were way to big, then proceeded to do an impromptu fashion show for my mom and her best friend. I guess I was always different but it was at that point I got the talk about what little boys do and what little girls do so I discovered that I was different.

It wasn't until I was 13 that I learned what being trans was so I guess that's when I realized I was trans.

(Ayden your avatar gives me nightmares :shudder:)

I first started to dress/act like a girl at a very young age, before preschool. I didn't understand my genitalia and wanted it to disappear. I wanted to look and dress like my friends (mostly girls) and played like them too. Understanding the terminology came way later but the narrative has been with me for as long as i can remember.

I suppose tenish or elevenish.  I don't exactly remember the precise moment.  It's something that I came to understand as I went on and examined my life and feelings.  Even at that point, I wasn't able to say trans.  I was more in the line of thought that I was a gay boy that really wanted to be a girl.  It wasn't until I turned 18-19 that I came to realize that I was trans as I became more educated and understood the term that best fit me.  Before then, I thought transexuals were all like Rupaul  and I couldn't associate with that for the most part.  Most of my prior knowledge on this community was pretty negative and it has done a number on my own self esteem as I have to combat internalized transphobia that's been programed into me as a child.

One thing I would like to note is that the age of realization isn't too important.  When I was first looking into transition, the fact that I have had these feelings almost made it feel like it was okay for me to transition or that I passed the test.  But that's stupid.  IF this is what you want or who you are, then the future is all that really matters.  It's funny because I used to think a lot about my past as a way to justify my transness when I began my transition and now I only think about the future.  If there is one thing I would caution those starting out, it's to focus on future and not the past.  I mean the past is important and it helps to analyze you, but your life in the present and hopes for the future also matter too.  Just my opinion on the topic.

I've known since I was 3-4 years old. I had no idea what it was called, I just knew I was supposed to be a girl from my earliest memories..

It was hidden from me all my life until I was fifty-seven.

I always knew I thought differently and felt differently, but I couldn't pinpoint it until my late 20s. Honestly, I didn't know much about what transgender or transexual was until then. I knew there were people who changed genders, but I didn't know all of the details and I didn't think it applied to me.  I found that I loved androgyny in my late teens, and that never stopped. I think it's highly symbolic of the Masculine and Feminine united. Eventually, I started realising that I didn't identify with men or maleness and would say I was a "sentient being inhabiting a vessel". Then I started thinking of myself as Androgyne, but today I'd rather be seen as female. I don't want my gender to be a subject of confusion, and I don't want to use "they" or invented pronouns.

I liked some boyish things growing up except sports, hunting, and rough playing. I had moments of "dress-up" in the bathroom, but I never really wondered why. Sex was never a comfortable subject for me, nor was it something I was comfortable exploring. My mind was primarily on learning, writing, music and art. I was a sweet kid and was much closer to the women in my family. I just wish I had known things far earlier. I know many say it's never too late to transition, but the older you get the less effective HRT becomes, especially when you have the genes that cause hair loss. That's one of the biggest causes of dysphoria for me.

Realising that I am transgender is something that I'm not sure is a positive or a negative in my life. I'm lucky to have very supportive friends and family, but the desire to transition is still kind of scary. That means I have to learn so many new things and endure new obstacles. I just wish I could go to sleep and then wake up with everything the way it should be, but it won't. I even feel some embarrassment in having to learn makeup and changing my wardrobe. I want to, but I've been this guy for so long that other people have got to think I'm mental despite how supportive they are. It's not a fetish for me despite the joy I get from cross-dressing. I don't do it for arousal. This isn't some case of  ->-bleeped-<-. I genuinely prefer clothing that is either unisex or made for women, because that's who I am. It's just such a huge change.

Anyway, there I go again; exceeding the point of the question.

When I was 4. I knew I was "born in the wrong body". I fought myself and was in denial till my early 30s when I started the transition process.

I've always known I was/am a girl/woman from my first waking memories in very early childhood around late 3 or 4 years old. However I also knew I was different than other girls "down there." I didn't have a name tho for what I was nor knew the full extent of my genetics until I was 9 tho when a nurse who saw me crying while my adopted father argued with the Doctor because he wasn't told what he wanted to hear. This nurse who was present for my tests wiped my tears and explained it all to me. Afterwards I spent a lot of time in the library reading everything I could on transgender and intersex conditions. Funny part is, I actually have my adopted father to thank for this knowledge so early on, for it was he who insisted I have that battery of tests to find out why I looked and acted so girly, as he put it.

He would go on to take me in for the same tests from 3 more different specialists hoping to get the answer he wanted. However they all told him the same thing giving me the same diagnosis. He finally gave up on this strategy after the 4th one.

Ally

I didn't have the realisation moment till I was 28. Biggest self-face-palm moment of my life.

Was always very confused. Sometimes I even thought I was an alien or something.
Thought I was gay for awhile too (probably still am ). Always knew that I had boy-equipment, thus assumed that 'boy' was what I need/had to be. Put on a real good act about being 'boyish' too - but always felt empty.

Probably would say the first time I really noticed that was about 12-13.

Like others, 4 or 5 when I started with mom's clothes, boots, 'hose, panties.  Continued in a viscious binge/guilt/purge cycle til I was 25.  At 25, a miracle happened in my life, one day, no more want to CD.  A miracle, (PM me for more details) yes. 

But something never let go inside me, and it wasn't CD as I had no interest in CDing.  When I was in my mid-late 30's I saw depression creeping in heavier than it ever did.  Only when I was about 40 did I start looking at CD/TS as two separate entities.  It was obvious to me I was not CD at all, rather I am TS. 

From there the depression got worse, the denial became stronger until the last few months where I gave in and couldn't take the depression any longer.  Now at 43 years into this process, I fully admit I'm TS. 

I probably realized at 12 or so. Previously all the characters I created in games or stories would be female, but I never really thought anything of it. Maybe I figured it was just an escape. But since then I've been working hard to tell friends and family, but I'm not very good at that sort of thing...

I don't think I'm trans but I have severe genetile dysphoria and even though I'm technically male I tampered with wearing tampons at 13.  You just gotta love dysphoria lol.

Quote from: whatever on September 22, 2014, 05:24:27 PM
(Ayden your avatar gives me nightmares :shudder: )

:O who doesn't love the Dark Lord Walenstein?? Aside from people who hate murderous, overweight partridges. I keep meaning to change it, but every time I see it I giggle. Maybe I'll make it a picture of my snake instead.

It's interesting to read the different stories. We are such a varied group and I really enjoy reading the different experiences.

I knew I wanted to be female when I was around 12.  I'm sure there was also a bit of this happening when I was even younger, but it is hard for me to remember.  Way too much pressure back then to do anything about it without having a huge amount of bravery and courage, which I didn't have.  I had so much repressed and compartmentalized until I met some trans friends in my 20's.  I didn't think I could go through with it due to all the pressure.  I'm older now and it just kept getting worse and more clear what needs to be done.

At this point I have an incredible compulsion to start HRT, but sitting here waiting for it sucks.  My therapist is more like a GK, but I am going to beg her to put me on HRT next appointment anyways. Going to try laser tomorrow if I can find the time. 

The truth is I've had severe depression all my life.  I pretty much avoided everybody, would run home to my small group of transgender friends every day until one of them, my best friend, passed away.  At this point things got much worse with the loneliness.  Lots of mistakes, now trying to correct the course.

As a kid I was always off in my own little planet - I didn't understand why I had to be excluded from female activities just because I was a boy and I really didn't want to be a boy at all. I didn't have a sense of being trans until I started to learn about what was involved at university and a couple of trans women briefly came into my orbit. So by about age 22 I finally understood what was going on for me.

I found the term transgender when I was 15 I think, but I've felt "wrong" since I was like 10